the real ones know nancy wheeler's story isn't about breaking barriers or bucking societal norms or whatever, it's about learning how to forgive herself.
the righteous anger she begins to display in seasons 1 & 2 is more than just an emerging of a truer stronger nancy- it is, at its core, a coping mechanism. it's a way to stay distracted from the guilt she feels over what she "let" happen to barb.
this guilty conscience spilled out onto steve as well- he was there, too, after all- which is why she couldn't appreciate his desire to move on at the time. she was still drowning in her need to make amends for what she viewed as an unforgivable transgression against her friend, and the person who committed that transgression with her was still too afraid to do anything about it. this conflicts with nancy's drive for justice, which is one of her core traits (we'll kinda circle back to this conflict and how it no longer applies to steve, but just for funsies, you can read about nancy's core values here)
now it's important to remember who nancy is when we first meet her, before the tragedy. she's just a girl. she DOES want to have fun, go to parties, try out new experiences, be intimate with her boyfriend for the first time. like many teenagers, she wants to branch out and explore who she is.
but how do the people around her react to these perfectly normal developments?
with shame. with disappointment. with, "this isn't you. now go back inside your box."
this is just another example of how her arc is cloaked in these themes.
identity is a big thing for nancy. she has people telling her who she is all the time, especially in the earlier seasons (see barb, j*nathan, murray). i think sects of the audience prefer to take these assessments at face value, therefore interpreting her journey of self-discovery as an evolution from 'girly romantic teen' to hardened badass... but in my humble opinion, with the clarity of hindsight, it's more an examination of the effects of guilt resulting from grief.
nancy doesn't sharpen her edges until after barb's death, during a time when she is angry and desperate and determined to right the wrong that was done to her best friend. to get revenge. to kill the monster. to restore balance. this is largely misdirected anger at herself though, because while the demogorgon is what killed barb (and as a viewer is 100% to blame for barb's death), nancy feels that she committed a moral failing by choosing to have fun that night with steve rather than go home early with barb. as a direct result, she's conditioned herself to believe that allowing herself to experience joy- real, uninhibited joy- isn't safe. the last time she did, her best friend paid the price. there could be consequences if she lets her guard down.
that is trauma. that is nancy's unhealed wound. understanding this is key to understanding her character.
(side note, but this is another reason why nancy couldn't go along with steve's coping mechanism in s2- because she was in the process of cutting herself off from all the things that brought her joy, as she felt she no longer deserved them)
placing a disclaimer here that i entirely disagree with nancy's perception of what happened that night, lol. i do not think she deserves to be punished for a choice she made when she was 16 years old and none the wiser to the existence of any supernatural dangers. my hope is that she will free herself from this line of thinking in season 5.
nancy's tactic for outrunning her guilt is to avoid anything that forces her to confront those dark emotions. she jumped straight into a justice-seeking investigation and revenge plot rather than truly sitting with her grief. she was drawn to and eventually started a new relationship with the insular cynic who doesn't require her to deal with her guilt the way steve did (author's note, it is so so understandable that she wasn't ready to face any of this just yet).
season 4 emphasizes for us that nancy's guilt over barb still looms like a shadow; it's the very thing vecna uses to manipulate her in the swimming pool. for much of the show, nancy wanted to avenge barb's death with an external call to action. she has accomplished this goal several times over because she is awesome.
but what the vecna swimming pool scene tells us is that nancy has not resolved her internal, emotional trauma surrounding that night, which means all the good she's done will never feel like enough. that emotional wound is what she has to face in order to successfully complete her arc.
the love triangle- like any love triangle worth its salt- represents a choice for nancy. a vital, character-defining choice that will ultimately determine whether she is ready to move forward and learn to forgive herself, or stay perpetually frozen in her grief.
so if the goal for nancy's character is to finally face her emotional wounds, to release the burden of guilt and allow herself to reclaim happiness-
and if her relationship with j*nathan has not encouraged her to do so in 2+ years, during which j has dodged tough conversations and even been known to condemn nancy for her privilege and priorities, rather than proactively support her in pursuing leads or fighting misogyny-
and if steve has outgrown his old self-preservational mindset to step into the role of protector, who readily jumps into action for his loved ones and embraces accountability for all his mistakes, even choosing to exonerate nancy from any blame in how their relationship ended-
the choice that is more aligned with her story feels obvious to me.
nancy throughout this series is FAR from perfect, but she puts a lot of pressure on herself to do the right thing despite her mistakes. that's her default setting. she doesn't need a partner to hold her accountable, she needs a partner who will show her grace. that is the one and dare I say only thing she struggles to do for herself.
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