acceptable condition

Like in most things, I am but a voyeur on the fringes of your periphery. That tonight is serving INFJ realness. Cellularly and Molecularly Medicinal.

[scattertheheart]

the same day my iphone glitches out to breaking point, i find out my macbook charger is dead so I can’t attempt to update/restore it, phone died midupdate, can’t log into my windows account to download itunes without a windows ID that has apparently been compromised and the only way to verify who i am in it is to outline emails i’ve sent from the account from an account i didnt know i’ve sent emails from. COOL. buying a new phone. this has been a very expensive little month. 

[scattertheheart]

Say something nerdy and scientific

In the 16th century, when participating in unprotected gay penetrative sex, the correct terminology to declare when reaching the point of coital release is “Yes daddy, please inseminate my pooterus with your homunculi”. In honour of tradition, do it for Paracelsus. 

[yugiohnoshebetterdont]

“Master, Dobby’s a cock destroyer.”

[jturn]

“Dobby has given master a gobby!”

[that-twink-over-there]

[scattertheheart]

I couldn’t control laughing on my tactical toilet break at work people think I’m mad

[scattertheheart]

Hello I’m still alive excuse the hair but peak my new work shirt isn’t it cute

[scattertheheart]

blarg

wah. hello i’m still alive! I’ve been so busy. work is pretty crazy and tiring but I’m enjoying it. Tonight is the first real night where I feel I’ve hit a bit of an emotional brick wall and I’m all reflective and sad. i’ve been very focused and self-sufficient lately. Like, enjoying my job, feeling I’m getting reasonably comfortable with it and have some nice colleagues.

I think the problem was when i started getting a feeling like maybe i don’t have to be alone and maybe i can start putting the feelers out for menz/companionship. and with that comes like... this locked away inability to navigate how i’m supposed to deal with that. So for instance. and this is all in the space of literally 3 days. There’s a really nice, cute INFJ gay on reception who i started talking to initially on grindr after deliberating for ages. Then like 24 hours later plucked up the courage to message him on the company systems seeing if he wanted to join my gang for after-work drinks, no pressure. He was doing actual real overtime, but we talked for the rest of the night on grinds. Anyway 24 hours later and nothing really, but still saying hi at reception a lot. i think i’m just super curious to make a) a gay friend b) a male infj friend c) a friend i can open up with potentially. and i start feeling all hung up because they’re not hounding me, then i remember i’m not really very pretty and he probably already has a lot of friends already (he seems quite sociable) and probably has people throwing themselves at him. I message him after work because it was raining and, clutching at straws, i ask if he got soaked - he responds, i respond back, then nothing and I’m checking my messages all night. blah. i forget people aren’t me. ANYWAY. earlier this week the gang at work decided we’d do a secret santa where we buy each other a plant for our desks. I got super excited over this, and we all eventually sit down and it’s really sweet handing our plants out (i also bought myself an extra plant because i sit between two people and wanted to be parents with both of them), and like... it’s just a lovely but stressful day. over lunch, the crew are quite dirty and gross and for some reason Flo came up (i always regret bringing her up because they seem to have some kind of ownership over it and keep bringing it up and wanting to embellish it... no. you don’t know the brand) and i mentioned Swollen and Doughnut, how Doughnut is unfinished and they started all saying they knew people who could finish it. And i remember getting a little choked up for a moment because i was like no. that was a me and Joe project, no one’s allowed to touch it. And one of them, probably the one I’m closest with, mentioned that it’s reasonable because it must be quite sacred and quite raw (i’d mentioned to a couple of people how i kinda went a bit nuts and ruined our friendship). and like... i guess that’s true. it stirred something in me. because it WAS ours and we had so much fun making it. anyway, the moment passed, i stopped being awkward around it and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon. the systems broke down and we just sat around talking to our plants. 

But this evening i feel i’ve just kinda.... stopped. reception man is having his weekend without a care in the world for me (how i’m projecting it) and i’m twisting myself in knots because i really wanna talk to him and find out more. And like. I can sense that I’m in hot water with myself over it. i’ve been here before. 3 days ago, i was happily burying myself in work, doing unpaid overtime at home to manage my workload, coming in 30 minutes early, again to manage my workload and just enjoy myself, generally. But now I feel a shift, a hollow and this grain of ‘what’s the fucking point’ is sitting in my minds eye. do i really enjoy the job? it seems kinda pointless. half the people at work are annoying and show off, are too loud and trying to prove something or get something. that’s how i feel right now. 

i bought these really good wireless headphones the other week, and because doughnut was on my mind i thought i’d try them out - it sounds amazing. swollen sounds amazing. so much more detail than I have heard before. i checked the chat with joe for the first time in months, and got caught in a bit of a rabbit hole reading through our conversations. i skipped the bad bits, of course. i’m so petty! honestly i dont know why he put up with me for most of it. BUT. we had such a good friendship. mostly. i loved that it really was a case of like.... ‘i’m not doing anything, wanna come and hang?’ like... all the time. and we’d just chill, and look forward to just putting on some lana and talking. i mean undoubtedly it was much bumpier than that but there WAS an understanding. i don’t have an understanding with anyone. And whilst i’ve BEEN content just... in a bubble of getting on with things, living quite simply and self-contained..... i miss feeling missed. or wanted to be around. 

and I feel guilty because i know stacey wants to see me all the time, but we’ve grown apart considerably. we don’t really have things in common and i feel avoidant more than ever. mostly because of her brexity family really, but still. it’s not the same. and our relationship, ultimately, is more or less based on absurdist ripping into each other and laughing at humiliation. She’s thinking i’m her maid of honour. i’m not a sideshow. as much as i want to celebrate, i feel it’s a mistake to box me in. I don’t like feeling pressured into an obligation. 

anyway, i can feel these intense and highly distracting yearnings to be seen and understood and i guess.. valued. my sister, in a jokey but actually quite sincere way said that i’m probably her best friend, which i do think is reciprocal. We’re always talking and processing together, but ultimately she’s still my sister, and she’s the authority. right now though she’s the one person that understands me, even if i am putting on something of a brave face. her and Wax. i do feel like most of my relationships are withering though. i feel i’m doing OK at adulting, mostly, but i’m still adapting to managing the balance. being funny and goofy is fine at work, but when people (mostly one person) thinks they have me sussed I’m just like... fuck off you really don’t know shit. stop trying to one-up everyone and sit down. 

i know i’m not having a reality check moment, and i know this moment of glum will pass over. it’s almost nice in a way to feel something, even if that feeling is confusion and concerning. I’ve been going through the motions very productively recently and i forgot that I am actually desperately emotional and have been sort of forced to keep it under my hat for a lot of the time recently.

i feel everything generally is quite solid, but this feeling of ‘wtf is coming next’ is starting to gnaw this evening. i could easily be in this exact situation in a years time. 5 years time. i dont feel stretched thin, but i do feel in some ways i’m finding things a bit of a test, regardless of how generally comfortable my situation tends to feel. I dont want! to be a time bomb.  

eidt - i slept, i’m no longer a drama queen. 

[scattertheheart]

Endgame was v good, v sad and v confusing

[annabellehectorworldofweird]

[suppermariobroth]

In Super Mario Odyssey, whenever Mario does a single jump, he always raises the arm that is further away from the camera (top). This is likely due to Nintendo-internal guidelines that state that Mario is not to be depicted with his arm covering his face while jumping. Compare a selection of official artwork where Mario raises the arm that is further away from the viewer (bottom). Main Blog | Twitter | Patreon | Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, special thanks to twitter.com user “HEYimHeroic”

[mirage-saloon-zone]

wait what about this one

[blackyossy]

[scattertheheart]

You've stopped posting as much recently, what's going on in your world?

hiya earl! happy valentines!

It’s been a bit of a whirlwind. not so much 0 to 1000 but I’ve been busier recently and sense that change is coming. 

I applied for a few jobs in London and I’ve had two interviews, both went well. Both in scientific publishing. One for a smaller ‘radical’ place, and one… for one of the industry giants. The pay for either wouldn’t be great initially but it would be a step in the right direction for sure. I’ve never been keen on the prospect of moving to London but I feel I’m at such a loose end now that there needs to be a shake-up. The new chapter hasn’t engaged just yet, and this inbetween stage is bothering me.

but yeah. There’s literally no decent work in my field around where I live and I would have to relocate regardless - london just happened to be the first place that has requested actual face-to-face interviews. 

Another reason why I’ve been a bit quieter is becauseee I don’t think journalling my headspace is helping me much anymore. At least not at this time. I become cyclical and my ruminations/sadness/recall of past events pulls me back to a darker headspace. I think it’s best to keep more of a lid on it and try to process my thoughts privately. Even though all this is technically private in public. Nothing has really like… shifted, but I’m recognising my patterns that I think help me maybe.. don’t. Or aren’t as effective as I thought. I haven’t found a real alternative, but I guess imposing more of a filter on what I actively project into the world might feed back and holistically change my outlook? I don’t know. Maybe practicing being more ‘professional acting’ is helping me grow or something. 

but earl, nothing has changed really. and I think that’s a problem. Birmingham could suck me in for life if I allow it, but there’s nothing for me here aside family. There’s no career or active close friends. I was thinking last night about how whatever I invest in I seem to invest 100% or really not at all. Some things surprise me, but for the most part unless I really care, I can’t afford to care. which is maybe me having low capacity or being too selfish, I’m not sure yet. Like, whatever close relationships I have mean the world. My hobbies (ie basically gaming or reading social commentary) take over my free time, and my career has to ethically resonate with me. which is why I’ve been so picky and taken time to work out what I’m doing with my life. That, I think, is a good personality trait, but it also makes me more scared and more cautious. and penalty that much bigger if something goes wrong. Not to harp on, but the Joe situation (I wasn’t going to go there because of what I said above but w/e). It’s so cold now, very cold. A curtesy. Before, we used to see each other every weekend for drag race. I know it’s the most stupid thing in the world, but I’ll give a little glimpse. I was rewatching Allstars 2 this week, which we watched together when everything was good. The episode where the eliminated girls come back and there’s the lipsync where Alyssa and Tati are double saved after the most incredible performance ever? I remember us both, genuinely mouths open, glued to the screen, and when they were saved Joe jumped up and started dancing around like a loon and we were so, so excited and happy. It’s crystal clear. It’s memories like that, recording music, extended youtube lana sessions, gymming together, just appreciating his companionship, where I feel I had someone I could be so in sync with. I really love and cherish those times. Whatever that quote is… something about appreciating what you had, rather than mourn what never was. I’ve been stuck in the mourning element for too long. I don’t recognise how fucked up my headspace must have been in, but I know I felt I was approaching an impossible-to-balance situation. Purely through jealousy and not being able to moderate that adequately. It felt like the worst breakup because I was calling off something that made me so happy, for no reason but my own expectations running away with me. He was my best friend. No one has ever felt that close. Now, I barely have what I’d consider friends. Let alone anyone I have anything in common with. Now, that comforting warmth between us has gone. What we do say, few and far between, is met with curtesy. Surface. I care about how he’s doing, I can guess and second guess his opinion of me now, because I did turn so possessive and a major clusterfuck. Part of the move will be a good thing to introduce physical distance. Knowing he’s only a few miles away doesn’t help; that will help exorcise the ‘i want to go and see my friend and chill’ part of my brain. Submerging myself in a different environment and lifestyle unlinked to the past might close that chapter fully. There HAVE to be other people in the world I can form a bond with that aren’t a million miles away. Maybe ones I don’t go nuts over. Other people I actively want to be around, rather than, as everyone else in my life, have to take in doses. That’s what got me fucked up, I think. ultimately, I felt comfortable to want to spend my time with someone indefinitely - something that just doesn’t happen. Then, self-inflicted abandonment has me all like wow no THIS is what the default is like. good, lifelong friends are arguably more important than romantic relationships and I seriously got my wires crossed over that. fuck sakes. I don’t mourn because I had a crush on him and that part of me wanted something more, I mourn because what he meant to me. I felt acceptable and free. BUT that mourning has to end. With lee, it took two solid years before I felt I’d cast him out of my system. It’s around 18 months since joe and I last were on solid ground. I’m not happy that this is it and how it’s left. He’ll know that, but we aren’t people to just forgive and forget; our friendship and trust was years in the making. As much as I’d just want to smooth it over and talk like we used to, I did this. It’ll be up there with one of the top 3 biggest regrets when I’m gone. 

ugh. this, earl, is why I’m keeping a distance from spilling my guts. That was cathartic but you got me feeling real sad you bitch! ha. nice to jot down my thoughts though. end scene.   

[automatic-caution-door]

[venezuelabulge]

[inshala37]

Perfect specimen

[nappesworld]

@staff is probably going to flag this.

[ray4pay]

Oh …… my god…?????

[boringangel]

olivia de recat for the new yorker

[brooklynnbaby]

The rumbling from distant shores sends me to sleep But the facts of life can sometimes make it hard to dream

Heroin // Lana Del Rey (via brooklynnbaby)

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

A fish we need to appreciate more:

Prickly dogfish (Oxynotus bruniensis). Look at this idiot.

[no-chill-at-all]

[queenofallswans]

14 minutes

[scattertheheart]

Tell us all something nerdy you’re excited for this year, king

hmm I don’t know if this is nerdy but.

I am ofc going to see all Marvel films when they release but I am ofc most excited to have End Game destroy my bootypatootie when I finally sink in that the upcoming reshuffle is permanent. I like anguish.

I have just bought 8GB of ram for my macbook and i am VERY EXCITED TO INSTALL. I would have gone 16, but idk why there’s such a hike from 4 to 8GB sticks. Maybe because they’re less common? who knows. who knew. 

I am becoming lowkey hyped about Anthem and i’m getting tempted, but also i dont like playing games with like... random people because i feel obligated to not play at my pace or do things at my leisure. It’s the reason i had such a hard time sticking with Destiny and have yet to be swept away by Destiny 2, as fun as they are. 

I am REALLY EXCITED about eventually unlocking Bayonetta in Smash. I think she might be my alt-main from Peach. I’ve only been playing world of light because i have no friends to play with, and oddly I’ve only really been playing as Link, Lucario and DK (his L/R + A still has the best power/range combo). As far as I’m aware Bayonetta is one of the last ones to unlock. Somewhere said WoL takes like... 20 hours to complete, but after 25+ hours I’m nowhere near unlocking everything. I mean... I’m shit but yeah.

I really hope my ram upgrade allows me to play Twopoint Hospital on my mac. Like. It reccs 8gb so I’m wondering just how capable my 7yo machine would be with it. Probably not great. wah.

I really, really want my Langraab residency in The Sims 4 to work out. I moved Gerty in with them because she managed to scam her way into living with them, and that house is like... ridiculously fucking posh and expensive with like 11,000 simoleons of bills a week. I had to scrap everyone’s jobs because they were only mid-levelled careers and basically bringing in shit-all money, so I have the dad and son both as authors at the moment with the mum staying true to being a crime boss. I used most of their funds when I moved in to build Gerty a doughnut restaurant shaped like a bleeding cervix. Unfortunately, I didn’t realise how horrible it is to maintain a playthrough like that when I want to just like... mess about with my business but the whole family is under some active control - makes it messy. So instead I decided to turn my restaurant into a doughnut store, but to do THAT i had to sell the store for 1/3 of the value, to rebrand it as a retail outlet, then I can buy it back... but as i have bills i cannae afford it. So I’m working on their lives to basically be slaves of Gerty’s doughnut empire and bring in the dough, eventually. It’s still fun, just stressful. I eventually want her to marry Bernicio, my scientist man. I don’t really like the whole careers implementation in the sims 4 (loading screen shit) so i might skip that. But I am very excited for him to marry her and tinker with all of her things. 

I mean I can’t really plan geeky things more than about 2 weeks ahead since I literally do nothing but play video games and apply for jobs, but most of these things will happen within January at least.