I applied for a few jobs in London and I’ve had two interviews, both went well. Both in scientific publishing. One for a smaller ‘radical’ place, and one… for one of the industry giants. The pay for either wouldn’t be great initially but it would be a step in the right direction for sure. I’ve never been keen on the prospect of moving to London but I feel I’m at such a loose end now that there needs to be a shake-up. The new chapter hasn’t engaged just yet, and this inbetween stage is bothering me.
Another reason why I’ve been a bit quieter is becauseee I don’t think journalling my headspace is helping me much anymore. At least not at this time. I become cyclical and my ruminations/sadness/recall of past events pulls me back to a darker headspace. I think it’s best to keep more of a lid on it and try to process my thoughts privately. Even though all this is technically private in public. Nothing has really like… shifted, but I’m recognising my patterns that I think help me maybe.. don’t. Or aren’t as effective as I thought. I haven’t found a real alternative, but I guess imposing more of a filter on what I actively project into the world might feed back and holistically change my outlook? I don’t know. Maybe practicing being more ‘professional acting’ is helping me grow or something.
but earl, nothing has changed really. and I think that’s a problem. Birmingham could suck me in for life if I allow it, but there’s nothing for me here aside family. There’s no career or active close friends. I was thinking last night about how whatever I invest in I seem to invest 100% or really not at all. Some things surprise me, but for the most part unless I really care, I can’t afford to care. which is maybe me having low capacity or being too selfish, I’m not sure yet. Like, whatever close relationships I have mean the world. My hobbies (ie basically gaming or reading social commentary) take over my free time, and my career has to ethically resonate with me. which is why I’ve been so picky and taken time to work out what I’m doing with my life. That, I think, is a good personality trait, but it also makes me more scared and more cautious. and penalty that much bigger if something goes wrong. Not to harp on, but the Joe situation (I wasn’t going to go there because of what I said above but w/e). It’s so cold now, very cold. A curtesy. Before, we used to see each other every weekend for drag race. I know it’s the most stupid thing in the world, but I’ll give a little glimpse. I was rewatching Allstars 2 this week, which we watched together when everything was good. The episode where the eliminated girls come back and there’s the lipsync where Alyssa and Tati are double saved after the most incredible performance ever? I remember us both, genuinely mouths open, glued to the screen, and when they were saved Joe jumped up and started dancing around like a loon and we were so, so excited and happy. It’s crystal clear. It’s memories like that, recording music, extended youtube lana sessions, gymming together, just appreciating his companionship, where I feel I had someone I could be so in sync with. I really love and cherish those times. Whatever that quote is… something about appreciating what you had, rather than mourn what never was. I’ve been stuck in the mourning element for too long. I don’t recognise how fucked up my headspace must have been in, but I know I felt I was approaching an impossible-to-balance situation. Purely through jealousy and not being able to moderate that adequately. It felt like the worst breakup because I was calling off something that made me so happy, for no reason but my own expectations running away with me. He was my best friend. No one has ever felt that close. Now, I barely have what I’d consider friends. Let alone anyone I have anything in common with. Now, that comforting warmth between us has gone. What we do say, few and far between, is met with curtesy. Surface. I care about how he’s doing, I can guess and second guess his opinion of me now, because I did turn so possessive and a major clusterfuck. Part of the move will be a good thing to introduce physical distance. Knowing he’s only a few miles away doesn’t help; that will help exorcise the ‘i want to go and see my friend and chill’ part of my brain. Submerging myself in a different environment and lifestyle unlinked to the past might close that chapter fully. There HAVE to be other people in the world I can form a bond with that aren’t a million miles away. Maybe ones I don’t go nuts over. Other people I actively want to be around, rather than, as everyone else in my life, have to take in doses. That’s what got me fucked up, I think. ultimately, I felt comfortable to want to spend my time with someone indefinitely - something that just doesn’t happen. Then, self-inflicted abandonment has me all like wow no THIS is what the default is like. good, lifelong friends are arguably more important than romantic relationships and I seriously got my wires crossed over that. fuck sakes. I don’t mourn because I had a crush on him and that part of me wanted something more, I mourn because what he meant to me. I felt acceptable and free. BUT that mourning has to end. With lee, it took two solid years before I felt I’d cast him out of my system. It’s around 18 months since joe and I last were on solid ground. I’m not happy that this is it and how it’s left. He’ll know that, but we aren’t people to just forgive and forget; our friendship and trust was years in the making. As much as I’d just want to smooth it over and talk like we used to, I did this. It’ll be up there with one of the top 3 biggest regrets when I’m gone.
ugh. this, earl, is why I’m keeping a distance from spilling my guts. That was cathartic but you got me feeling real sad you bitch! ha. nice to jot down my thoughts though. end scene.