Being Schizofficial

"Hey, your mental health is showing!" Don't I know it. 30s. She/Her. Personal writer. "Everyone needs a mom like you" -a nugget

[schizofficial]

I'm more or less going through my day to day on autopilot. Functioning as expected but not as I want to. The sensory overload. The psychosis. The crippling anxiety along with the overwhelming physical symptoms. The daily stress I'm under that no one seems to see is all too real and weighs on me more and more everyday. A modern-day Atlas.

I do all of the things because I am expected to. I love my family. I am quite exhausted, and I am doing what the normal people do because I am far from it. The struggle is all too real.

Slogging through work, day in and day out. Dual jobs at this point, and I never thought I'd be here in this realm of life. I have to interact too much. I'm sick way too often for my liking. I wander with no real purpose...something's always missing. The chaos is lonely...if that even makes sense. Hmm.

I can only make sense of this on my own with pen and paper. Fine point and college ruled only, please. There's a voice or two that can claw to the surface and process the notions and suspicions. It makes sense in my noodle, which matters.

One step at a time, I guess...

[schizofficial]

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

What does it mean to you, actually? That above term holds a lot of weight for many people. So really think about it. I'll give you a minute *mindless whistling* Got it yet?

Is it something you demand? Is it something you expect? Is it something that you even deserve? Hate to burst some of y'all's bubbles, but some of you deserve what you keep dishing out over and over by someone with a quick wit and no shame. Ya' know?

Let me tell you that you both willingly have to give and gratefully earn respect equally. Has anyone ever told you that? Probably not; I learned that business on my own. No, not everyone deserves it. Yes, that part is VERY true. But we want to pride ourselves in being the best human beings, yes? Yes.

Now, let me go on by saying this. I grew up around a lot of older people that loved to make a point in saying this stupid crap, "You need to respect your elders." Well, don't make everything you say SO offensive while saying that statement in the same breath, and maybe you could garner some respect from this human. Why would I want to give a good part of me to a person that shamelessly has nothing but negative stuff spewing from them?

You learn in the customer service industry that respect (fake or otherwise) is REQUIRED. It's a sense of professionalism, so you kind of need to figure it out now. Bite your tongue, at least, and not let your facial expressions and tone get you into trouble. Keep that in your personal world. No, you don't let someone talk to you like a dog, but you don't give someone the business because you think their opinion is wrong. Don't come into work or quit your job if morality and belief systems are an issue, but don't you dare put your belief systems over policies in the workplace. What do I mean by that? You need a concrete example. Short example, a lady in a county clerk's office refusing to give out marriage licenses (and being hateful to) same sex couples because SHE didn't believe in it, even though it was perfectly legal. Yes, that happened, and no, I don't know what happened to her. That is unprofessional disrespect, and that is NOT okay.

Pick your battles. Battles are exhausting, and the war will never be over. Always be respectful, even if you know the jerk in 2B is too loud, and you just want to sleep. Simply knock on his door and ask him to quiet down nicely. He gets belligerent, just tell him "Have a good night," leave, and proceed to let the non-emergency police line deal with the ordeal after explaining the situation. Respectful behavior can be given towards a person even though you don't necessarily respect them. Life is too short for stupid mess, and you're too cute to wrinkle your good shirt.

[schizofficial]

I apologize for my long absence. I say this wondering if anyone really cared that I was missing in action...haha.

Anyway, a lot has been going on between my mental health plummeting and within my family. I guess these things will all figure themselves out in due time. They usually do, right? That's how these things work out in the long run, I imagine. For the "normal" folk. Hmm.

I think this is great time to work on de-stressing myself, my world because goodness knows I am being hit from all sides. The energy doesn't work well when I don't work well. Well, it functions, but no one tends to like it. I bet you can understand that, but you should learn from that very mistake as well. Overall, balance is best.

I hope to be back in regular rotation now. Posting normally. Ya' know?

[schizofficial]

Ask yourself, "Is my relationship toxic?" Be it friendship, romantic, family, or...siuation-ship. With my own listening vestibules, I don't hear of many healthy ones going on. So sad.

Parents and other adults in y'all's lives obviously don't communicate well with y'all, so why on earth would y'all communicate well in your situation? Right? I mean, that's how I look at it. You can't mimic what you're not even taught...or maybe refuse to learn(?). SPEAK TO OTHERS HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE SPOKEN TO. Direct, honest, open, and without judgment. It's really not that hard.

If people are afraid to hear the truth, then that's a problem with them, not with you. The truth is truly hard to hear sometimes, but YES(!) it needs to be heard. And no, it's not mean to tell someone the truth. If someone can't handle the honesty, they need to look a little at the reason it hurts so much. A discussion needs to be brought to the table, apparently.

I went off on a small tangent, but it was a good one, nonetheless.

Do they make you question yourself? Doubt yourself as a person? Make you do something wrong, against your better judgment? Does, literally, everyone around you know they are a horrid person while you are sitting there trying to defend characteristics you know aren't really there? Does little to nothing positive ever come out of your mouth when speaking of them?

You, my dear, may have a toxic human in your relationship walls. Don't hold onto them. Don't give them more chances. Don't try to change them. Don't let them pass Go! and collect $200 that you know they won't spend well. You are beating a dead, bloated horse with a broken stick and expecting it win races. JUST STOP!

If they are family, the only thing that links you is DNA, and that is just some strands, not a paying contract. And even that is kind of flimsy by the end of it with a really good lawyer. If they are your parents, you will be respectful and cordial, but you don't have to be completely buddy-buddy. Just smile and move on until you can move out. Simple and easy. Blood may be thicker than water, but you CAN choose your family at the end of the day. (And blood is easily thinned out with blood thinners...haha! Just saying.)

We come to a point in our lives, whether you figure it out now or later on down the road, that games with people aren't fun. Words that tickle the mind and heart are amazing, but using them to toy and manipulate with a person is a cruel art. It's not worth the time and effort people put into it because there are so many better things that could've been done with that wasted time. And if you wasted time with someone you knew was doing it to you, you're an even bigger fool.

Life's too short for toxicity and unhappiness. I'm not a crunchy mom, all peace, love, and rainbows. Far from it. But everyone deserves a someone and a little serenity in their lives.

[schizofficial]

Do you make friends easily? No? Neither do I. Trust me, you have a hard time making friends now, it doesn't get any easier as an adult. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but that is just the truth of the matter. Unless you are social butterfly, expect delays at the train station A LOT.

When you are at school, you are surrounded by people to talk to. Most of the time, there are at least one or two people that share your same views. If you get truly lucky, you find a TRUE best friend in there somewhere. I'm not saying that it's like that for all of you, but nine times out of ten, that's the case. You walk through the halls with these same people for years sometimes. You have to pair up with these people on projects. You go on field trips, personal outings, whathaveyou. What I'm trying to get at is, you're surrounded by people, so there is usually an opportunity to make some kind of friend(s).

But in all honesty, if you do have friends, how many of those people are REAL friends? I mean, really analyze the way they treat you on a day-to-day basis. I bet you've ignored the red flags surrounding certain people. Let some people skate by treating you unkind the majority of the time, yet they play it off as "a joke." You've let them trash talk you right in your presence yet stay quiet. You get ignored in conversations. You get added to group chats as the butt of the jokes. You're "the friend" that they dump all of their problems on, but you can NEVER come to them with anything because they say you are being self-centered or the like. The racial jokes could be unbearable, but you grin and bear it. Are any of these hitting home? Should I keep going? I really would rather not because it is really upsetting even typing red flags of horrid people. None of these things I have mentioned are things a true friend would do. They aren't even things a generally good person would do, to be honest.

Okay, let's talk. Mom to you. Just like I do with my own. These people are not your friends, and YOU DO NOT NEED THEM IN YOUR LIFE. Yes, it will be a little bit lonelier. Yes, your phone notifications will be a little bit quieter. But guess what? The toxicity is gone. You will feel lighter, and your mind will feel clearer. Your complaints will be less. Honestly, how many of your complaints in a day are about these people that we speak of? What did they do today to piss you off? I'll wait for the list because I know it's long. I know it's bubbling up inside of you right now and on the tip of your tongue. It sux to feel this exhausted about people that you supposedly label as a friend. And you let them treat you this way. You allow them to do this to you. You tell them everyday this continues that it's okay to put your self-esteem a little further down into the toilet. Is that okay? Is this the metaphorical neon sign you want plastered above your head for the rest of your life? Because this will only continue and get worse and be what you attract. I don't want that for you. You definitely shouldn't want that for yourself.

You deserve a true friend. And despite what anyone will tell you, you don't always find that right away. You might walk the halls alone for a while. Friendships are hit or miss. You don't have to keep people around. Friendships are trial and error, much like a DIY project. And yes, some people are seasonal in your life, only there to stay for a short period of time and drift away a while later. It happens. Ebbs and flows happen. It's okay. Friendships are NOT a marriage. There is no contract, and they definitely are not conditional. Sometimes they can be business oriented, but that is completely different. There is definitely no "build-a-friend" workshop where you get to pick only the traits you want. You take the person as they are or not at all, but you do NOT get to change them into what you want. (No Chik-fil-A orders here.) Heck, be your own friend first, your best friend.

To those of you that have entered the world of online friendships, I say this to you. PLEASE be careful. Not everyone has good intentions, and not everyone is who they say they are. And this is not my paranoid nature coming through, this is just where this world is right now. This creepy, morally bankrupt world. I don't want to sound like a counselor's poster, but internet safety exists for a reason. Sharing too much personal information too soon. Trusting too much. Being way to friendly and generous. These are all things you need to keep close to your person. (I mean, this even rings true in face-to-face relationships as well. Duh.) Don't be that person that "ends up on the back of a milk carton" or as an Amber Alert passing through mass texts. Please practice internet safety.

Now, how do you make friends? Umm...I'm even asked this at home, and I don't have a concrete answer for this. Does anyone have a truly solid answer for this that is tried and true for all individuals? I don't think so because EVERYONE works differently. If someone cannot accept you being your normal self, your masking self, your quirky self, your whoever-you-decide-to-be-that-day self, then do they honestly deserve your time? As long as yourself isn't full out b' mode with a hint of a-hole, then you're probably lovely. Anyone should be honored to be your friend, and vice versa. Just sayin'.

[schizofficial]

How do you feel about social media? Facebook? TikTok? Instagram? Is it your second skin? Do you feel the need to check it constantly and make everyone aware of things? Or do you feel the need to feel part of EVERYTHING by doing absolutely nothing? My bet is that it's part of your everyday life, and you can very much answer a megaphone loud "YES!" to that last question.

As an adult, this is the most annoying thing to deal with just in the working world because it is quite unnecessary (for the most part). As a parent, to watch your children being torn down by people beyond a screen that know not how to navigate life even on a good day, it's disheartening.

Let's delve into this from two different perspectives. As an individual in a professional setting, I'll peel open a part of the skin you don't see (and probably no one will ever tell you because they don't want to be honest about it). And as a parent, I'll uncover layers that I witness daily just by watching everything unfold day-to-day.

At work, I hear the word 'Facebook' almost daily, like it has meaning. More people tell me that I need to post more for my department. Now that someone is posting more for us (not that it's anything new than what was already on there to begin with), I get "congratulated" on the sudden inrush of posts that are on the feed. Let me paint it from my side. Facebook is made up of a bunch of people that enjoy reacting to and sharing a multitude of things but doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to remedy any issue. They want to have an ego inflation from a mere push of a button by sitting on their behind, but once you ask them to physically DO something, they are all up in arms and have every criticism under the sun. My department meets the brunt of those very people. No one wants to donate time, money, or supplies; but their faces are plastered to their phones not helping not one soul. Not one person that has like, shared, or commented has donated time to the actual living beings that need the physical comfort of human contact. But don't dare ask them to do that; that's not allowed. But when I am working overtime and giving my all, they want me to stop the ACTUAL CARE I'm giving to POST something on Facebook for people that don't really care for my place of business or anyone or anything in it. Make it make sense.

This same thing can be seen with you younger people today. You're seeking gratification amongst masses that are just as damaged and want to do damage to make themselves feel better. People are crueler, and NOW, they can hide behind a keyboard and never show their face. They never even have to confront the person they claim to have a problem with.

Let me ask. Why listen to someone that does not guide you through life in any way? My oldest's For You page is littered with depressing content feeding her mental anguish because she related to one post and hearted it. It adds fuel to the fire of how she feels about herself because it's like "these people don't feel better, so why should I feel better?" kind of thing. You are relying on the amount of likes you get. You are relying on the ego-boosting comments, but what you don't see is that you are zeroing in on the negativity of it all in the end.

Social media is not the end all, be all. It is definitely not what it used to be. You can barely find original thought anymore. Entertainment? Yes. If you are strictly on there to make yourself smile, brighten your day for a few minutes at a time, then by all means, social media can be your best friend in a pinch. Don't make yourself feel bad by staring at what you don't have, what you see as the depressing rhetoric...heck, even diagnosing yourself (because that seems to be a thing nowadays...sigh) for hours on end. Just scrolling.

I'm not extremely old, but yes, I am a millennial. I don't like what the generation label has been boiled down to, but that is what my year has been lumped into. I am from the world of Myspace. You got to design your backgrounds to your page. Be your own unique self. Blog. Design. Show off your music, style, great hair...just what made you who you were, and no one was telling you that you were this, that, or the other. (At least that was what I noticed, my personal experience, and just the nostalgia of it all. I speak in opinion, not watered-down facts, and if that hurts you, you apparently never had an opinion of your own. Yes, I speak to my kids openly in this same manner, so say something to me if you want. You might just be mad at the honesty of it all and not exactly at what I'm saying.)

If social media is not making you feel connected, but yet keeping you in a miserable place, maybe you should rethink your priorities of being there. It isn't that important. If your friends want to contact you, there are PLENTY of other ways to communicate these days. Heck, you don't even have to give out your real phone number anymore to actually text, and personally, that is the best way to communicate. Screw [shady] Snapchat. Screw [fake] Facebook. Screw [toxic] TikTok, if you're on that side of it anyway. Screw it all.

Now, before you even go there, yes, I do use social media. Look, I'm on Tumblr for glob sakes. I'm not posting for likes and numbers though. I'm not hunting down the next big trend, and I try to encourage you to do the same. Have an original thought. I won't tell you my favorite app because I feel it's like sacred ground. Call it gatekeeping or whatever you want. It's a place where there is only original thought allowed, no reposting of content and no pictures allowed beyond a profile photo. If you already know, then you know.

Mental health is taken less and less seriously as years seem to go on, even though more and more people are talking and advocating for it. There are so many more people though that are taking advantage and thinking it "cute and quirky" to pretend to have more and more serious issues. It's all fun and games, but now it's been put in the public eye ON SOCIAL MEDIA. It's the boy that cried wolf. Those that need the help can't get the help, can't be heard. Worse...won't be believed because of the those favorable few that kept "playing the system" for petty reasons. Kids, get it together!

Social media has helped us find friends, connect with loved ones, get a giggle. But it has also brought upon darkness and hatred that has only seemed to dig it's claws deeper and deeper into some of you, and it breaks my heart.

[schizofficial]

I identify as a human first and then a mom. I'm logical and honest. I'm loving and warm. I hate people through-and-through (but i know there are gems amongst the sand), so I don't trust easily. But I'm kind to all, and I'm always respectful. Why do I think YOU (yeah you, young reader) need to stay a while, read what I have to say?

I pretty much raised myself. I was a latchkey kid. Had emotionally neglectful parents. Not any faults of their own, I guess, being raised in two different households packing clothes back and forth all of the time...it was a lot. They tried. The internet and the television raised me. Did quite well. Not saying my parents didn't instill good work ethic in me (also feed and clothe me and whatever basics) because 😏 look at me. I beast-mode it OFTEN. Ask anyone.

This is not a bragging session. I in no way think I'm amazing, just look good on paper. That's a resumé joke...keep up. I try really hard for my own kids. I try really hard to function in day-to-day life because it's hard.

I have a good idea I understand what you're going through. The trauma. The hurt. The neglect. The pain. The anxiety. The depression. The everyday. The mundane. The happiness. The aches. The woe. The anger. The fears. The blahs. The whatevers. I've personally done it, am going through it myself, or I'm easing my own kids through it. I don't mind being your virtual mom if your parent won't be there for you.

I didn't search for anything like this, but I wish I could have found someone that could be honest with me and teach me things I needed to know my own parents wouldn't, should've.

My kids' friends honestly think it's weird that they can openly talk to me about stuff, and I'm not talking about in a best friend kind of way because a parent should never be best friends with their child (not their place-discussion for a different day) and vice versa. Sometimes it's not well-received, but they're things that need to be said.

Anyway, I believe I've droned on long enough. My oldest felt like this was truly the best of ideas. She more wanted me to start a Twitch or a YouTube channel to do videos to talk to people (like a one-on-one vibe, I guess), but I write better, so this was the compromise. She would love me to adopt her friends. I don't have much money. And unlike most women who have read the books, I don't know what I'm doing half the time, but I seem to have this mom thing figured out sometimes. Allow me to share what I know with you, too. I fumble the ball, yes. Like I said, I'm human. So, don't get hurt so easily by it; we use our words to let someone know what is wrong and what they have done, but not in a hurtful and demeaning way. Tada. I'm all about communication, a back and forth...a dialogue. You should learn to be, too. 🤓

[funnytwittertweets]

[schizofficial]

I'm still here just trying to keep my head above water. Gasping heavily and taking on way more than I really need to. Ugh. Trying to get through the day with nothing more than my wits intact and trying not to shovel more food in my face than necessary. Ya' know? That is not where I want to be in life right now.

Everything seems to be falling apart, as far as my weight loss goes. I'm doing everything WRONG in the eyes of me. My eating has gone back to the disordered binge and restrict pattern that I was so used to. I totally hate it. I was doing so well. What happened? Stress! Stress of work. Stress at home. Stress of life. It's all just STRESS. I need it all to calm down just a little.

I still walk and listen to my books, and still just as satisfying. I'm trying to find other habits to extend my evening further, I guess. I know I need to get back into meditation. That would truly help, but I need to do that BEFORE my walks because I fall asleep during my sessions out of pure exhaustion when I do it after my stretching after my walk. Sigh. I also need to do my regular blogging because that has also fallen by the wayside. [My apologies.]

What more can I do? I am asking you honestly. Who exactly am I talking to, I'm wondering. Does anyone even read this?

I'm in the middle of writing a book. Nothing special. Just poems and short stories that intertwine with my mental health issues in a way. It works, I guess. It seems silly now that I write it out like this, but the work is solid. My daughters read the works so far, and they said they were good. I trust them on this. I hope that I can keep working on it and get it big enough where it can become a good-sized book. Ya' know? Eh.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get back on track with everything. I'm going on a 6+ mile walk in the morning on the trail near my house and just try to enjoy the morning. I want to listen to my book, and try not to die putting one foot in front of the other...alone. Haha. I want to come home and do a mini workout and then stretch. I say all this on here to kind of stay accountable. If it's here, then I have to do it. I also put it in my journal. So tada.

[schizofficial]

Hey, it's been a while. I could apologize, but I don't think anyone would care. Anyway...let's get into things.

I have been dealing with morons. My bosses are morons. They hired me a moron. The majority of the people that I deal with on a daily basis that think they can do what they want are [say it with me] morons. I swear people decide that reading is optional. People stare at signs, ignore them, and proceed to ask me the exact thing the sign answers. Ugh. Some people came to the door, and I told them the service that they were asking for couldn't be fulfilled today. One of the girls legit just stared at me like I was just speaking a foreign language. The answer wasn't going to change. The guy with her just said "thank you," and the group finally scooted along. I got frustrated enough to finally move another sign not only in the display case but on the door. DIDN'T WORK. Someone still came to the door and asked for the same service. Needless to say, I was done with everyone for the day.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm more or less just trying to make it through the rest of this evening with the rest of my wits intact. My kids are in rare form as well, so...it's going.

I'm still going on my walks. I'm regularly walking 2 1/2 miles everyday, which makes me feel quite good. I'm trying to incorporate a little workout. Today it was a 10-minute dumbbell workout. Nothing terribly difficult. I try to set up new challenges for myself. I'm getting there though. We'll see where I go from here.

[schizofficial]

I'm at the point that I've lost 21lbs. Can you believe it?! I sure can't. I've struggled to work hard to get to this part of my journey, and I am quite proud of myself.

I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents, although they would say otherwise because we actually have a conversation or two every now and then. My relationship with my dad is literally holding on by a frayed thread, and my relationship with my mom is...well, it exists. She would say it is wonderful (our relationship, that is), but she is a pretty judgmental and controlling person. I don't too much divulge my life to her, never really have, and I find myself cringing when my phone rings and her name pops up. And while I am VERY appreciative for all that she does for me, I wouldn't be hurt if she stepped out of my life. She wasn't too much "in my life" while I was growing up, so why so much now? My kids even kind of find her exhausting because she won't let them just be kids, just be themselves. No one wants to be around someone like that. Ignorance is truly bliss.

I've been taking work one day at a time. I'm completely frustrated, but I'm dealing with it. I thought I was done being isolated, but I'm sure I will always be in some sort of isolation as long as my bosses are in charge.

I've come to the conclusion that there are certain people that just aren't meant to be special or respected or whatever. Just pawns. I am sadly one of those tiny specks on this rotating marble. We don't make waves. We are only here to make everyone else's lives easier, no matter how hard we try to demand respect. Nothing works for us. It's not meant to. We're nothing to no one. I know...a very grim perspective, but it is mine. You don't have to agree.

[schizofficial]

Two panic attacks, tears, spiraling into a dark place. This has been my day. The stressful, obsessive thoughts were just too much, and I just broke down. I haven't felt this way in a while. I think the exhaustion is breaking me down, allowing all the stress that I normally am able to just carry (much like Atlas) to crush me. Oh the joy. Gotta' love that.

I was able to stop thinking for about 40 minutes on a much-needed walk. It was hot, but I don't even care anymore. I know that I get my time. The only time I don't walk is during inclement weather.

I will be at work everyday for a while, but I guess that's better than being bored at home. Umm...not at the moment. I need a break. I need time to decompress. I've been go, go, go for months, and I am just to the point of snapping. I almost called a woman 'stupid' over the phone because she thought she could just change the dates that were specifically told to her and agreed to. Things don't work your way because you have a snotty attitude with me. At the end of the day, what I say goes. I'm learning how to take charge. It's a work in progress.

Hey! I'm almost at 20lbs. of weight loss. Now, I know it's all just water weight, but it's still an accomplishment. Right? I haven't shared that with anyone really because it's been a true process. I've fought my mind and body to get here. But...I'm doing it, and I'm going to continue on this path because I am in a good place. I still need to work on some better coping mechanisms and work passed my binging issues, but work in progress. I have a lot of baggage to unpack and work through on my own because NO therapist has ever wanted to help me through stuff. So, shedding physical weight and mental weight is always fun. I can't "fix" my mental health, but I can learn and better manage on my own. I'm doing pretty well, I guess, from what I've dealt with over the years before the deep dive. Just thought I'd share.

[schizofficial]

This has been the most stressful few weeks. The other day my issues (mental, I mean) were extremely amplified. What do I mean by that? The voices were louder. The pressure in my head was pronounced. Things around me were going from big to small in waves. The weirdest new thing was happening-I could taste things that weren't there. Things around me were moving so slowly when I was honestly moving at my normal pace. Luckily, I was alone, but I was so embarrassed that I was crumbling so fast. I'm not used to this amount of sensory overload at one time anymore. My medication has pretty much kept me on the low end of failure. Yes, I have my bad days, but THIS...this felt like the old days. Sigh.

Being exhausted is nothing new now. I never drink anything with caffeine for the jolt, just for the flavor, because it does nothing. Haha...how sad is that? At this point, I just pretend to have energy. So...fake it until you make it. Rather, fake it, and yeah, that's about it.

I tried jogging for two weeks. It didn't work out too well. I'm just made for walking, I guess. I'm not severely obese or anything. It could be that I'm kind of out of shape for it, my asthma is too bad, or...nope, I'm just not made for jogging anymore (thanks, children!). Haha. I'm not mad about it. I enjoy walking. I go at a good pace and feel good doing it. I'm always in a good mood when I'm out there, too, so that is a plus. I get a good enough workout walking in this southern summer heat anyway.

Back to the box tomorrow...alone. Not too much looking forward to it, but I can't really much change that. I'll make it though. I've got one of the best people to keep me company through text, so it will be perfectly okay.

[schizofficial]

I have had a few binging days, which made me feel some kind of, but I'm bouncing back. I'm not punishing myself by restricting my intake of food. I'm not going to start counting every calorie that enters my body. I'm simply getting back on track. For lunch, I'm having, what I have amazingly dubbed, loaded oatmeal. What is that? It's cooked old-fashioned oats with almond butter, a banana, craisins, pecans, and a little ground cinnamon. Pretty tasty stuff, and quite filling. Way better than that crap pre-packaged stuff and it's flavored apple pieces. (Yeah, look at the ingredients. You're eating apple bits with flavoring, not the actual fruit. You're welcome.) By the way, I normally hate the texture of oatmeal...HATE...but making it this way has made it tolerable. I found this idea from my weird habit of watching "how I lost" YouTube videos. Some guy that was practically starving himself to lose water weight really fast (like most of them are) had this similar recipe, and I thought it was a good idea to add to a list of recipes AND make me try oatmeal again. Who knew...not me.

I'm still at the point where I am losing water weight, so I am yo-yoing all of the time. I accept that. Some foods react to my body better. I accept that. It's more than just calories in and calories out. Your body holds onto things differently. I'm no expert, but I learn as I go. I've been doing this much too long to not learn anymore. I used to be a complete nutcase thinking you could lose ALL the weight in a short amount of time by just starving yourself. Live like you did when you were high school with no consequences and just work it off. NOPE! That was so many years ago. I've evolved from that catastrophe and nonsense, thank glob. Haven't I?

I walked this morning, and I felt really calm. I didn't rush it, and I didn't go on an exceptionally long walk, just my average path. I listened to my book and let thoughts just flow. I don't even remember the thoughts. It was just organic and peaceful. It wasn't even that hot outside. Yes, I did get warm by the end of it all, but the outside air itself was not too hot. Everyone was awake by the time I got back home, so an after-walk mini workout was not in my future because I always feel a little embarrassed still doing things in front of anyone. I will do what I need to do this evening though. No worries.

[schizofficial]

Have to tell you about my tiny accomplishment for the day. I went on a 3.26 mile walk this morning. Say what?! I even did a small in-home workout on my yoga mat for my abs and including a dumbbell afterwards...with a good stretch in the in between. (That seemed like a really complicated sentence. Sorry.) I felt good, accomplished. BUT then, I napped a few hours later. Sigh. I bored myself to sleep. Rather, the girl on the screen bored me to sleep.

I have an odd habit of only watching "how I lost" YouTube videos on the TV. Sometimes I find them motivational, funny, or even downright stupid. Just depends on the content. Most of them have cookie cutter tips and tricks straight from the internet that I know are not straight from what they learned from their own experience. AND the whole "drinking water just for weight loss" (sorry for this mini rant right here) is ridiculous when water is basic human necessity. Drink it because your body NEEDS it! Rant done! Anyway...I've watched many of these videos, and I've found maybe four or five videos that I've liked, that are straight from the heart and worth listening to. Maybe two of them I actually related to. Hmmm. Maybe I should look for blogs instead of videos? But the weight loss search is diluted with people "How I lost [x amount of weight] in [x amount of time]", you don't get the real stories. Sigh.

Tomorrow is the start of my work week, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. It's just one more headache, one more regular stressor. Ya' know? I don't want to deal with the people I work with because they don't seem to like or respect, and to be perfectly honest, I've never given them any reason not to. I'm respectful, nice, and I try not to make any ripples in the pond. I've given these people a decade of my life, and they treat me so small and keep me in the dark. But I'm vested, and there aren't too many jobs like it. Why leave when I can't get much better right now? Ugh. Why can't I make money doing what I love-writing?

[schizofficial]

I tried really hard to walk 3 miles yesterday evening, but after doing my couch to 10k that morning (I'm in the VERY beginning stages, so don't get all hyped), I didn't quite hit the mark. My knee was aching pretty bad by the time I got closer to the house, so I ended it before it got worse. Darn. Well, 2.64 miles still isn't so bad, right? I don't think so. (You know I like my data.) I still burned 400 calories by the end of it. Score! I got to the point I was hearing my heartbeat through my ears with my ear buds in while listening to my book during my walk. Such an odd sensation.

All-in-all, it was a really good day today. A very calm day. A less aggravating day than the past week has been, and I very much appreciate that, universe. I didn't do much of anything, which is pretty normal for a day off. I'm a homebody, so I'm okay with that. I did do A LOT of journaling though. And here I am journaling. I do, however, need to work on my book. I've just been holding everything inside, I guess. Poetry and short stories. Ya' know?

I have Schizoaffective Disorder, and it's pretty apparent. But I am quite high functioning. My voices have been running rampant lately, and it has been a circus, especially when I am trying to listen to people during conversations or my book. It's kind of frustrating because I lose parts of things and have to catch up and hope for the best. Context clues are my best friend. It's like an interesting guessing game sometimes with my higher ups and coworkers...*uncomfortable laughter* I'm trying here. I have my good days and bad days like everyone though. I say "what?" a lot at home, and it gets on everyone's nerves because they don't truly get it.

[schizofficial]

I find myself obsessing about data when it comes to my weight loss, but I also get hung up on it. Take for instance my actual weight. It bothers me that it fluctuates so much, water weight and such. And I always have to write down all of my stats from my walks and anything else I do (i.e. mowing the lawn, etc.). It becomes a little stressful, but I also enjoy it. Does that make sense?

I walked too fast today, so I didn't get as many active zone minutes on my Fitbit, and that kind of bothered me. I know the sweet rhythm that I need to walk normally, but I kind of felt rushed because I wasn't alone on my walk. One of the kiddos was with me, so it made for one of those "keep up with 'em" walks. Haha. (Did I not tell you I was a mom of four? Weird, right?)

Anyway, I've been having trouble with my foods lately. Trying not to binge has been an issue. (Yes, I have a binge eating disorder, but I'm trying my hardest to beat it on my own.) I've had a few bad days lately, and it is a little discouraging. But I try not to dwell on it, and I begin anew the next day. That's what you're supposed to do, right? I don't want to let this hold me back. I want to be able to portion control and eat what I want at the same time. I can totally do that with a little...a lot of effort. Hmm.