i will burn hotter than the sun

my name is aether, i'm schizospec and a system, and life is a nightmare.

[schizoscope]

schizosolutions -> schizoscope

hi!

my name is aether. i have schizophrenia that IS medicated, with mixed results. i try to tag posts as "actually delusional" when they are, but i slip up sometimes and this generally isn't a safe blog for you if you pick up other people's delusions easily.

fine with notif spam.

my mainblog is c--------v

(more info about me and this blog below)

i'm 22 years old and use he/him primarily, although they/them won't hurt my feelings. my art is tagged "artbit" and is mostly vent art as i post my regular art on my regular blog. in general, this is a schizospec symptom focused vent blog.

i am 100% fine with any of my posts being reblogged if you find them insightful or relatable, but i will probably block you if you leave something inflammatory on the post.

i am autistic, so i may have issues determining the tone of messages towards me. i try to take things in good faith though.

i am transmasc+bigender.

i also request that you do not attempt to "reality check" me, as it is harmful to me and can worsen my symptoms.

if you believe biid/bid is fetishistic or ableist, you are going to be unhappy with my vent posts as i struggle with the disorder heavily, so i recommend not following.

my icon is alpharad.

[labmousegirl]

one of the things that makes autism a disability (and why some of us choose to label it as such rather than an “alternate neurotype”) is the stress. 

part of autism is just being incredibly stressed. overstimulation? stress. holding a conversation? stress. something happening to our schedule? stress. people talk about how often autism is recognized and diagnosed via our stress responses (like meltdowns) because it is just so common to see autistic people stressed because of lack of accommodations to how our brains work.

and this matters because stress kills. stress causes a lot of health issues, or it can trigger pre-existing ones by making certain chronic conditions flare up. i once had a psychiatrist very unhelpfully tell me i “just need to manage my stress” when the stress i was describing was things i could not avoid in neurotypical society and can’t “just get over”. i can do “self care” all i like but i cannot at the very base level change the way my brain inputs information and reacts accordingly.

[roach-works]

i only learned this year that loud noises aren’t physically painful for other people. i have lived 34 years in a world in which my friends and family regularly physically hurt me at random just by shouting, and i thought everyone else just thought i was kind of a wimp for not dealing with the pain as well as they did.

like. loud noises physically hurt. it’s like a static shock from my ears to my spine that doesn’t stop until the volume goes back down. i thought we all agreed that ‘that’s too loud!’ and covering our ears meant ‘ouch!’. turns out i’ve been dealing with a stressor almost no one else has, my whole life, alone.

autistic people have to keep functioning through debilitating levels of stress that no one else in their life acknowledges or helps them with. it’s no wonder that their most visible ‘tells’ are breakdowns. 

[schizoscope]

so the alter that cut off our best friend of 4 years can do it without crying at all meanwhile i can't receive a slightly mean reply on main without bursting into tears for 20 mins. wonderous. i fear i may be the weakest link

[eptck]

you have to be kinder to people with memory issues.

you have to be kinder to people who are slow processors.

you have to be kinder to people who don't understand your jokes.

you have to be kinder to people who forget important dates.

you have to be kinder to people with cognitive decline.

you have to be kinder to people who were always this way, too.

you have to be kind. you have to be kind.

[capacity2]

It’s actually crazy how bad feeling bad feels

[schizoscope]

for the most part i find posts along the lines of "but people with [x disability/disorder] arent ALL the worst scenario cases! some of us have milder symptoms" to be in poor taste just... generally. it's probably a me issue because they seem to gain positive attention a lot across a lot of different disorders/disabilities but every time i see one i grimace because it always feels like there's a barely unsaid "some of us are Still Normal"

and anyway just in general its like... idk. is it that necessary to make sure people know you're not one of Those ones? if so, why?

[wheelie-sick]

so much autism "advice" boils down to "just spend more time socializing and you'll catch on to the rules :)" as if one of the main points of autism is that you can't "just catch on"

[crippled-peeper]

“Psychotic people aren’t homeless in the streets or psych wards!!! some of us are playing video games” some psychotic people ARE homeless in the streets and in psych wards and they don’t deserve to fucking die for it or be forgotten or swept aside because they aren’t a convenient poster child for your symptoms RAAAAHHH

[scramratz]

I think people would be less suicidal if they were allowed to talk about being suicidal without risk of being sent to the Torture Dungeon

[schizoscope]

legit what is the fucking point of being strip searched in the mental hospital other than as a humiliation ritual. like if youre that concerned about ~psych ward contraband~ just have them turn their pockets inside out or something.

i'm still furious about the way they made me feel so gross for being unshaven and acted like it was ME being sexually inappropriate that they forced me to strip down and i had the GALL to not be wearing a bra or undies. like i'm sorry i wasnt gussied up to your standards when i attempted suicide and it made you uncomfy, myyyyy bad.

[schizoscope]

same stay where i got sexually harassed by one of the other patients my whole stay and the doctors didnt give a single flying fuck. which tracks

[schizoscope]

legit what is the fucking point of being strip searched in the mental hospital other than as a humiliation ritual. like if youre that concerned about ~psych ward contraband~ just have them turn their pockets inside out or something.

i'm still furious about the way they made me feel so gross for being unshaven and acted like it was ME being sexually inappropriate that they forced me to strip down and i had the GALL to not be wearing a bra or undies. like i'm sorry i wasnt gussied up to your standards when i attempted suicide and it made you uncomfy, myyyyy bad.

[unfiltereddddmess]

[schizoscope]

anytime i say i dont feel like i have an identity/am even a person, people always respond with reassurance that i totally DO have a personality and interests. which is not ever what i mean

[schizoscope]

i would not be able to parent but at least my never-happening baby would have a sick name

[schizoscope]

post of a guy that forgot about pandora the internet radio

[starrysanity]

please enjoy this comic I made about OCD at like 3am

[schizoscope]

i genuinely cant remember if my mental images have always been this... abstract? symbolic? or if thats something thats deteriorated over time. either way it annoys me when other artists tell me to just think about drawings as 3d objects and not flat pngs because i Cannot. i cant even picture a real human face in my mind. its cartoons all the way down. its actually astounded me for ages that people can render realistic art of their alters because good lord there is no realistic translation of what my minds eye sees and therefore a realistic version of my alters cannot exist. what comes across in my art is pretty much just a solidified version of what my mind sees and my art is not realistic At All

[schizoscope]

bluh