c l o s e　g a t e

you don't need to read this

[pnglove]

[scottsummrrs]

hi. just some thoughts because i'm in a weird mood.

my friend is trying to help me get a new job, and even though I already got yee ol' rejection letter she's going to try and pull some strings for me, which honestly thank god!!!!!!

this would be a very new job for me and it's really nerve wrecking to think about doing, but also i feel like after training i could actually be really good at it.

i've hit such a wall at my current job. i am doing fine - my kpis, quote targets, etc are all fine but i just...don't know what else i WANT from it anymore. there could be other options within the company but that would then be in office (which is a big pain in the ass to get to) OR i'd be on teams with people i don't like and would hate to sit beside lmfaoooo

___

in other news i found something out about an old flame and i wish i could reach out to him about it. that sounds so weird and cryptic, but i just want to check in and see if he's doing well. but i feel like since he hasn't done so in a while maybe that's a boundary? idk. maybe i'm over thinking things. maybe he thinks the same. and now we're both trying to be so aware of what is or isn't there between us that we're just never going to talk to each other again and live in one big what if.

...... anyways...

i've been feeling like such junk and i have high blood pressure and after a rabbit hole of dr google i feel like i have all these things wrong with me and the only "cure" in snake oil from these fucking sleezeballs

___

most days i've accepted i'm never going to fall in love, be loved, and just be alone forever. and there's a lot of those days where i'm not sad because i've always known this was going to be my life since i was a really really little kid. it just hurts my heart a lot, and all i ever wanted was a safe place and someone that loved me and chose me above all else. that i'm someone's something special. and it feels like all my life there's been things about me that stop me from being good enough.

nail biter - no pretty nails for me ugly voice - AND a speech impediment lmfao ugly face - little looks like i've been melting or like a basset hound my whole fucking life

dumb - can't be smart!!!! no talent - but almost talents. I'm ALMOST good at drawing. I'm ALMOST good at cooking. I'm ALMOST something, but alas I am nothing. I'm not good at singing at all, despite how much I love music. My brothers all picked up the guitar and played without lessons. I can't do ANYTHING and it frustrates me because I can try and try and try and try and try and it just doesnt' click!!!!

early 20's - trich - literally no eyebrows and since I'm ALMOST good at makeup but not really, literally looked like I had sharpie brows

mid 20's - the first and last time i was good looking. and it was wasted on shitty men.

later 20s and beyond?? - nothing. i'm not anything worth any kind of love. 6+ years of therapy, still doesn't mean it won't ever happen for me.

idk what the point of any of this is. I just hate that I'm in my 30s feeling like still.

ebs and flows highs and lows

[polkadotmotmot]

Becca Stadtlander - Cards, date unknown

[scottsummrrs]

quite frankly i just need to type things out, away from journals and other platforms.

3 things i'd say to 3 people

you're a like a faded scar, and i don't even know where the cut came from. it is hard for me to admit that i think about you as often as i do. we had no title, no formalities - just a flicker late summer long ago. i hope you are well, and on my most lonely and pathetic nights, i also hope you think of me. and on my better ones i long for a hello.

i'm so proud of the person you've become. you said you're living the life you never dreamed of. i'm glad life didn't stop for you at 27. i'm glad we're both here to see it.

it hurts that you don't care that you've killed our friendship. it hurts that you still proclaim i'm your best. it hurts that you continue to lie. it hurts knowing i'm only there for you to yell at, to cry to, to let out your feelings - but never once would you allow me to do the same. never once do you take my words to heart. never once do you actually want help. how dare you. how dare you take our friendship for granted. just know that i get it - you've said no enough times for me to get that you don't actually want to be around me.

[8pxl]

streetlight solace 🌙✨ follow me on twitter / instagram / shop / buy a wallpapers or leave a tip

[8pxl]

process gif !~

[8pxl]

♡ SUMMER SALE ♡ get 15% off everything with code: SUMMER23 at the start of checkout !~ your support always means the world so thank you if you even consider it 🌞

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[8pxl]

the promo works for my cross stitch patterns as well if you've been interested in one !~

[scottsummrrs]

i'm sad and wine drunk and ended up on this godforsaken website again

anyways. i'm so jealous that some people just get things. lemme step back.

i ain't saying some poeple dont' deserve things. or that they don't work hard. but it's so easy for them to get it. jobs. relationships. healing. has a hobby? able to be good at it. wants a vacation? has the money for it ((AGIAN i know people work for these things!!!!! but so do i but i end up just living pay to pay :(((((( )). fking eras tickets loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool (jk only scalppers got that shit)

i try and i try and i try, and i still always come short, and i just don't know what else i can do. maybe because i spend so much time wishing i could be literally anyone else. but i try to be a good person. i try and work so hard. but yet i'm never enough. and it hurts and i'm tired. and i know social media glamrorizes it all, but i can't even fake a life to glamorize

anyways we can go back to pretending i don't use this place im gonna go force myself to wash my face or play Stardew valley until 3AM

[scottsummrrs]

ten things, ten people. 

1. i exhausted myself trying to prove myself to you, only for you to turn at your first chance. i don’t know what i did to deserve that. 

2. i’m very lucky to have you in my life, but i can’t help but think you don’t feel the same. i wouldn’t blame you either. 

3. when i think about you, the weight comes in. and i’m not sure if it’s regret, or just a lesson. but i know that what you’ve done is forever, and that you’ll never care 

4. you can’t treat me like this, and then get mad when i treat you the same. it’s not cute, and we all have damage. 

5. it’s weird knowing what i feel is apathy. i tried so hard to hold onto what i could, and i’m sorry (but only to make my own self feel better) 

6. i’m projecting, but thank you for everything you’ve done for me. your gentleness and kindness goes beyond what you know. 

7. i miss you. a lot. i miss your jokes, and quips. i hope you’re doing really well. 

8. i never did it for a thank you, but you act like it wasn’t done at all. glad you came out better from it all though. 

9. you deserve better. i don’t know the whole story, and i hope everything i don’t know is good. but from what i know, i know you deserve better.

10. i hope one day you have it all. 

[scottsummrrs]

it’s becoming painfully evident that i’m probably not going to meet my “soul mate” or whatever online. he’s not on a dating app. it’s becoming so frustrating, because i feel like i’m running out of time to have the fun “young” part of relationships. i lost my early 20s to selfhate, and my late 20s going on date after date *pause* date *enter one bad relationship* *enter a REALLY bad relationship that has changed me forever* *enter...whatever the hell happened in my last one*  I’m v lost right now in that sense, and it kinda hurts my heart that i don’t think i’ll ever end up getting into a real relationship ever again. sometimes i even doubt the ones i were in was real  anyways today was actually a really good day, and i’m trying to celebrate that....but it’s also on these days that i makes me the saddest because the one thing missing is having somoene to love 

[scottsummrrs]

my anxiety is pretty uhhh bad  my depression is also uhhh bad  i’ve had like six baths today  and a nap  sorta made something to eat for dinner  so that a win (i just fried up some veggies)  my stomach has been in knots all day and my head has been hurting too   idk i’m just real sad  and it’s my working weekend which will be a good distraction but also i wish i could be sad in my bed all day ----- i’m just so sad. like the pit of my stomach is just sinking and i just...i don’t even know for sure what it is.

i had a dream with my family in it, and apparently i was also in a toxic relationship. he had cheated on me and i found out after a fight with my family. which....lol

anyways no matter what i do these feelings always end of cycling back of this heavy sadness and anxiety and i just don’t know if this shit is ever going to end

[scottsummrrs]

wow things ain’t good tonight!!! 

at work in our huddle meeting we were asked something that scared you as a kid

and like obvz that’s supposed to be harmless

and fun

and i for sure had fears as a kid

but like mostly i was scared of my home life

and when my parents would fight etc haha 

so that’s been on my mind today

i also hate how much weight i gained - like nothing fits me anymore

and i know a lot of people go through that

but like....until 2020 the only fucking compliment i got was how “amazing” my body was 

and now i let that go 

and now i have no compliments

(sometimes that i’m funny but you know what they say about funny people) 

and i try to work out but i’m so depressed trying to find that energy is impossible

i’m so....zoned out after work 

and now it’s 9PM and i haven’t eaten all day

and the food i did buy has started to rot 

and i don’t know what to do 

i keep ordering in like i can afford it 

and that’s not helping anything either 

i know i have a problem but i literally have no one to talk to until the 8th when my therapist is back from vacation 

someone give me my body back

my heart back

like i’m over him but FUCK did Buddy ever ruin me 

i can’t blame this all on him, but things were never like this before him 

AND IT’S NOT LIKE GAINING WEIGHT IS A BAD THING  (well it’s probbaly bad for me since i’ve been UNHEALTHY)  But it’s more that since i was a KID  Like FIVE  That’s been my thing  “You’re skinny!”  “WOW you’re so lucky you can eat what you want” 

now every bite is a war

[ohyoustyles]

baby, you’re the end of june

[burntcopper]

Kromlau bridge, Germany, during all four seasons.

[kovir]

being a woman isn’t about the body you were born with or your feelings or your brain it’s about being haunted by this quote from margaret atwood for your entire life

[hopeforhealing-deactivated20200]

“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it’s all a male fantasy: that you’re strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”

― Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

[kenobios]

Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Obi-Wan and Anakin (2016)

[bassiter]

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Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver except it’s playing from your neighbor’s radio that you can hear from your back porch, which you sit out on to relax in spite of the loud buzzing from the lightbulb and the hoards of moths that flock to it on summer evenings like this.

[gdbot]

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