I was reminded (by facebook’s ‘on this day’) that I came out to the wide world a year ago last Friday. I’d come out to my family and close friends at Christmas 2016, where the general reaction from people was ‘er, yeah, we know’ which led to a number of conversations around the subject of ‘why didn’t you tell me?!?’ The logical answer was would I have listened? And no, I wouldn’t.
I left the wider coming out so late because I was hoping to be able to combine it with hey, I’m gay - look at my gorgeous girlfriend. When that fell apart (a story for another time, which I am reluctant to tell because I rather resent the fact that having my heart broken is tied so closely to my coming out story) I found it hard to pick a time to actually share my new sexuality, and ended up just picking a random time when I had lots of gay activities planned (which is a weird way of phrasing it - basically I had two meetups scheduled on the same day and told the world).
I came out as bisexual and now I’m more leaning towards lesbian, but putting myself into a box feels somehow slightly off kilter. That too is a discussion for another time.
The keen eyed among you will have noticed that the heading of this includes the word Berena, and you will also have noticed that I have not yet mentioned this fabulous ship. Thank you for sticking with the preamble - here is what I have been thinking about all day.
I find it serendipitous that the Berena storyline should be kickstarted again not only in this month of Pride, but also on the anniversary of my coming out, because I owe quite a bit of my realisations and changing attitude to them.
I’ve not watched Holby in decades, but as many people on here know, when your friends start posting lots of gif sets, you automatically become intruiged and then set about seeking the show or film out. I know I had that effect on a number of people when the second kiss came about, and the gif sets exploded. Anyway, I became intruiged by this relationship and the way it progressed. The intimacy of the friendship and then the slow burn into something infinitely more. I watched every back episode I could find, and rushed home of a Tuesday night to watch the latest installments. In October, a number of things happened to question who I was and what I wanted in relationships, and one of those was a question I asked myself as I sat watching these two characters dance about each other. Why did I empathise so strongly with this pairing. Why did they make me so happy and why was I so involved with every detail of the plot line?
If lightbulbs really did pop up above one’s head, now would’ve been the time for me. Ohhhh …. yes, that makes sense. I want women in my life in the way Bernie and Serena are in each other’s lives. Oh. Right. Ok.
I am in no way saying watching TV made me gay. I’ve been supressing a lot of stuff over a lot of years, and it’s not because authority figures told me it was wrong (although other girls at school always used gay as a taunt); but it is interesting to note that good writing and brilliant acting can open doors and shine lights on things and cause some deeply introspective soul searching.
Last night, when the clips hit the screen, and then the gif makers went to work (blessed are the gif makers) I felt that same happiness and sense of right with my own sexuality that I had felt the first time around, and that is enormously validating in a year which has been very hard for me in terms of asking myself who I am and what I want. I don’t entirely know the answer to those questions, and I may never do, but I am assured that it was a decision based is truth and honesty, regardless of other factors which didn’t play out too well.
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