Welp. There goes another one.
I keep telling myself I'm not ready to write about you. I keep coming up with the excuse that it's only happened like 2 days ago and it's still too fresh for me to talk about. But in reality I'm just running away again. And I'm sick of running. or more like I'm tired of running away. It's still fresh. The emotions are still raw. That's a good time to write. So it's a dumb af excuse. This rambling too - procrastination. Yeah yeah, i'll get to it.
You're my best friend. Every time something good or bad happens, the one I want to talk to is you. and it's been two miserable days and I miss you. Man, I fucking miss you. It's so incredibly hard when you're attached to someone but you can't speak to them anymore. Well, technically I could but I know you don't want to hear from me right now. So I won't reach out. I shouldn't bother you. You're just trying to find your own happiness, and I respect that. I want you to be happy. Did you know? I'd do anything to make sure no one would hurt you. But that's my problem. Not yours. Not anyone's.
It's hard for me to open up to someone. I think that's obvious when everyone likes to ask me why I keep my cards so close to my chest. This is why. I care too much. I feel too much. I give too much. It's always been this way, and I've tried not to. care. feel. give. But I can never help myself. So instead, I just shut people out. Don't let them get too close. Cause I know who's going to end up getting hurt (the most) in the end. It's always usually me. People often forget. But I don't. It etches in my mind like a tattoo. As stupid as that sounds, but I guess I am stupid so haha there you go.
I'm sorry things are the way they are. I wish they could be different, I don't know in what way, but just different. I wish I could be selfish. I wish I could bring myself to ask you to stay. beg you, even. But I can't. You let go of the ones you love if they are happier without you. And I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you too.
I'm sad. but I am mad at you too. I know it's not your fault, or anyone's. But I am mad at you. I know you understand what I mean, and if I were to tell this to you right now, you'd laugh and tease me until I'm crying but laughing at the same time. I hate you, you dumbass. But you're my dumbass so I love you too. You'd probably pull that stupid face you always do that I hate but I can't help but laugh. ugh. I wonder if you know that I'm sitting here crying about you. I think you do, you know that I'm a big crybaby. You know how much you mean to me, I hope.
So who am I gonna tell stupid, meaningless shit to now? Who 's gonna show me retarded videos and laugh at stupid shit with me now. Who's gonna tell me off for being a dumb bitch when I'm being a dumb bitch now. Who's gonna laugh at me when I cry over stupid things that don't matter. Who's gonna keep me company when I have anxiety from work now. Who's gonna laugh at me when I shove stitch in their face.
sighs. Losing you has been hard ok? You're my best friend..
I miss you, man. I really do.