Seriously go ahead and skip this one...
Maroon 5′s Payphone lyrics are shouting at me in my head. “All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.”
Warning, I’m going to wax nostalgic, and I’m not really sorry. My feelings are hurt and this is my outlet. Actually this is my attempt not to wallow, which up until this point I’ve almost handled. I keep telling myself that I got this, but the truth is, I’ve avoided relationships for 5 years because I do not deal well with rejection. Much better to be friends and suppress anything else, because heartbreak sucks!!! So much for being the strong person that I keep getting told I am.
Ok, so here goes...
Twice in my lifetime (Actually twice in the past decade) I’ve been told that I was the one that got away, and that fortunately fate had brought me back into these two different guys lives. Yet within weeks of rekindled friendship/relationship/whatever I’m left, abandoned. I absolutely know where my abandonment issues come from...
The first time it (and I’ve already blogged about this one, but to recap) was a guy that I met when I was a freshman at college. I was crazy about him, would have followed him to the ends of the earth, and he picked one of my best friends. When they broke up, we reconnected. We talked almost every night, went on a couple of dates, then he just stopped talking to me. I later found out he had heard from another friend that something that he’d only told two people had been retold... I was one of the two people, but was not the person who blabbed. (My roommate at the time was friends with the other person... well I can only guess that she told my roommate, and it got back to S. For the record, I kept everything about S secret because there were other factors involved, not going to apologize for the life that brought me to where I am...). We are now acquaintances again on social media, nothing has ever been said about it, but I do wish he knew the truth. He is married to a wonderful lady, and they are living their dreams far far away. I’m happy for them, still stings, but I am happy for them.
This current time: A friend from childhood, seriously elementary school is how far back I’ve known this guy. Sunday, family grocery day...Chance meeting at the supermarket, he and I exchange numbers, and for a week, we are talking every day, hours upon hours of conversation (and I’m not a chat on the phone kinda girl, never have been, but I don’t mind because I’m quickly becoming attached to a guy man, that is NOTHING like anyone I’ve ever talked to, ever!) We plan a date for Friday night, but due to scheduling problems with his ex and his children, we have to reschedule...The following day he decides that the date probably cannot happen, because he has “commitment issues” and that with everything the way it is, it’s too difficult for him. I understand, I do. I went through a divorce myself, of course mine was quick and painless (with the exception that he still messages me on social media to see how I am, and ask if I’ve reconsidered. After 5 years the answer is, and will always be, NO!) The following week we still texted, kept in contact daily, nowhere near the in depth conversations, but still “Good Morning, hope you had good dreams, hope your day goes well...” Now we are into week three of our, whatever, and nothing, radio silence, since Friday morning. He said that he might have times when he would just go off the grid (I have flashbacks of Luke’s Dark Day. Gilmore Geekdom, LoL), but +96 hours seems excessive. I’ve given him space (no texting, emailing, etc...), and plan to continue to do so, but what the Fuck am I doing wrong that he doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore?? (Because I totally gave that option. Nothing romantic, no commitments, no promises, just be my friend, which he agreed to, but now I wonder.) :/ And as you all know: I’m the kind of person that values my friendships more than anything (as I’ve already posted about that) I guess my biggest problem is, it’s been 3 weeks, he’s told me time and again that he has thought of me over the years, and that he really has real feelings for me, but we’ve gone from talking everyday to nothing. How does that even happen??
How do you go from being the one that got away to the one that I push away in a weeks time?
I’ve started running out of steam, always for the best. I’ll continue to do what I am doing, because I don’t know any other way. If someone could give me some insight into men‘s heads that would be greatly appreciated.
Until next time...Ciao xoxo
