SEARCHING THE NORTHERN LIGHTS @searchingthenorthernlights - Tumblr Blog

I don't know where I am in your heart. I know I'm a friend. But I want you to know that I want you more than a friend. I'm so in love with you that there's no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with but with you. You came into my life at a time when I was broken, and showed me care that made me want to continue and live. You inspire me so much that I feel like I can do anything in this world.

I know you will never read this but I just want you to know that I truly love you, and it hasn't changed since the day I told you how I felt about you. I love you so much Nica.

If ever my depression gets the better of me, my dearest Nica, thank you and I love you.

I feel so alone. I want to disappear.

I'm so fucking broken.

I feel like if I kill myself now, everyone would just move on with their lives.

I feel like I’m breaking my own heart over something so trivial.

It’s hard when you pour your heart into something and to not know their reaction to it. I tried not to be bothered. I tried not to overreact. And I tried not to expect too much. But I can’t help it. It has been in the back my mind for a whole week now, and I don’t know what to do. I’m so anxious.

Honestly, I'm not in a good mental state right now. I wish to yeet myself.

I'm just dumping this here because I don't know where to put what I'm feeling right now.

I feel like my efforts aren't enough. I feel so not enough. I don't know if this is the trauma talking but it's really hard. Everyday I'm being eaten by my anxious thoughts. It's day in and day out I'm overthinking and over analyzing everything. Just to find some type of control in my life.

I never really addressed the hurt that I had from my last relationship. The trauma I felt from the cheating that happened from my ex. How it made me feel not enough. I really thought I was over it. That I have moved on but honestly, this is why I'm afraid to like someone again. It is because I know I am not healed yet. I'm still trying to recover from the pain, the hurt that my ex inflicted on me. It took me so long to say this. But I am hurt. I am angry. Why? Because even though she cheated on me, she still made it all about her. Until we broke up, she still fucked things up. And she messed my head up. She messed up my life.

Fick you for the trauma! Fuck you for the hurt! Fuck you for all the pain that you have given me! Fuck you Kaye! I hope you burn in hell for what you did to me. I never deserved what you did to me.