lost in the ocean.

lol I have no idea what to do with my life.

[thepersonalquotes]

https://www.instagram.com/thepersonalquotes/

[grimreapermandy]

[seaswavessurf]

Honestly every time I see this post, it really reminds me of that extract from „Looking for Alaska“ (by John Green) when Miles arrived at his boarding school and it‘s so hot that he showers and says that he „had to spread [his] legs significantly“ (p.16) because he describes exactly the same problem.

[catcomixzstudios]

Hey short people! Looking for a way to get taller? Try replacing your feet with LIVE BEARS. You’ll be taller AND have two LIVE BEARS ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY.

[seaswavessurf]

currently my favourite song 😍💓

»I have a dream for you It’s better than where you’ve been It’s bigger than your imagination You’re gonna find real love And you’re gonna hold your kids You’ll change the course of generations«

[seaswavessurf]

It’s funny how everything seems to be more difficult in another language. Not just to speak but to live. Like I am really not bad in maths class in Germany but in France it’s like a completely different thing. I am not even sure if + and - and • and : means the same thing there.

[seaswavessurf]

Yesterday I received my glasses and it was the best fucking feeling. I dunno, I know that a lot of people don’t like glasses and especially wearing glasses but I could finally see the world as I saw them once. I CAN SEE LEAFS IN A TREE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW! Come on it’s realllllllly fascinating!:))

[seaswavessurf]

So, there is this guy and I know he likes me and I like him because he is really nice, okay. He’s caring and funny and honest and sporty and supportive and understanding and okay in the outward appearance he’s not directly my type but all that doesn’t matter cause he’s really nice. As a friend. I can’t help myself, but I fall in love for the assholes and can’t develope feelings or anything for the boys that are good for me. I just simply don’t have any romantic feelings for people I like as friends and I really don’t want it but you know obviously feelings destroy friendships. Especially when they’re inequal. Because I know he might like me in a more romantic way that I like him and I’m really sorry but I can’t help him or me and I know it’s hard but I hope we can be friends without the damage of feelings because I’ll probably fuck up. I do every time. So today we are gonna watch a sports game, I’ll drive on his motorcycle and we’ll maybe meet some of his friends. That’d be all cute and adorable if I wanted to date him or something like that but it’s just a friendship thing, i swear you.

To sum this up, I don’t know where the point in this text is, if you find it, help me pls. I’m just gonna have a nice evening with friends and drive on a motorcycle and I am so anxious about that, kinda excited but also full of adrenaline because kinda anything on two wheels that moves faster than 30 km/h is a risk to die (hell yeah I have my drivers license but driving in a car is kinda different) so if I die, please tell Miley Cyrus to sing the climb on my funeral, okay? Thanks, that’d be great. And I would like everyone to attend in yellow because that’s a really happy color and I want people to be happy because my life is often sad and depressed with no reason so I want everyone to be happy and smile. And i just wanted to say there has to be a huge tasty cake but then I REALIZED I AM PLANNING MY OWN FUNERAL AND THIS IS NOT RIGHT. TODAY I AM GONNA GO OUT AND LIVE AND I THINK I SHOULD NOT FEEL AFRAID OF THAT AND MORE EXCITED BUT I AM BOTH BUT ALSO HAPPY AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TOO AND EVERY OTHER PERSON SITTING IN HIS/HER ROOM IN FRONT OF A TECHNOLOGICAL THING AND WITH THE ANXIETY TO GO OUT AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS SHOULD BE HAPPY TOO, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE. AND I AM NOT ASKING „OKAY?“ BECAUSE IT IS A FACT! GO OUT, MEET OLD OR NEW FRIENDS, OR TAKE YOUR FAVORITE BOOK AND SEARCH FOR A NICE PLACE OUTSIDE AND JUST READ, TAKE YOUR TIME AND DO WHAT YOU LOVE BECAUSE THATS QUALITY TIME, IT IS THE PRIME TIME OF OUR LIFE DEPENDING WHAT WE MAKE OUT OF IT. SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE OR ALONE, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, GET DRUNK, PARTY HARD, EAT PIZZA, EAT FRUITS, EAT TACOS, EAT CAKE, DO SPORTS IF YOU WANT, DO ARTS, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK? TO TELL IT IN LOVELY SHAWN MENDES WORDS: „THERE‘S NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK“ AND SO IS YOU! OF COURSE THERE IS SCHOOL OR COLLEGE OR WORK BUT YOUR BURDENS DONT HAVE TO DETERMINE YOUR LIFE. IN HOLIDAYS, I WORKED SIX TIMES A WEEK, FIVE TO SIX HOURS, HAD SPORTS THERAPY AND DRIVING LESSONS AND I NEEDED TO LEARN FOR SCHOOL BUT I WAS TOTALLY DRUNK AND HAPPY ALL THE DAY AND IF I LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN THE HELL DO IT ASWELL. BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU. AND YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, SO TAKE IT. thanks.

[seaswavessurf]

sorry, i just realized how scary this text seems to be.

To be clear 1. be happy 2. of course I wasn’t drunk all day cuz I was working and drunk during work is not cool 3. be happy 4. the # „be happy or i‘ll come over and make you happy“ is meant in the most innocent and easiest way, don’t worry i won’t come over, now 5. do what the fuck you like okay and pls don’t just waste your lifetime online, i know the outernet is scary but we can’t hide forever 6. no I really won’t come over but I can’t believe myself how long i needed to realize how wrong this # sounded, I’m sorry 7. have a nice day, okay? Thanks.

[seaswavessurf]

So, there is this guy and I know he likes me and I like him because he is really nice, okay. He’s caring and funny and honest and sporty and supportive and understanding and okay in the outward appearance he’s not directly my type but all that doesn’t matter cause he’s really nice. As a friend. I can’t help myself, but I fall in love for the assholes and can’t develope feelings or anything for the boys that are good for me. I just simply don’t have any romantic feelings for people I like as friends and I really don’t want it but you know obviously feelings destroy friendships. Especially when they’re inequal. Because I know he might like me in a more romantic way that I like him and I’m really sorry but I can’t help him or me and I know it’s hard but I hope we can be friends without the damage of feelings because I’ll probably fuck up. I do every time. So today we are gonna watch a sports game, I’ll drive on his motorcycle and we’ll maybe meet some of his friends. That’d be all cute and adorable if I wanted to date him or something like that but it’s just a friendship thing, i swear you.

To sum this up, I don’t know where the point in this text is, if you find it, help me pls. I’m just gonna have a nice evening with friends and drive on a motorcycle and I am so anxious about that, kinda excited but also full of adrenaline because kinda anything on two wheels that moves faster than 30 km/h is a risk to die (hell yeah I have my drivers license but driving in a car is kinda different) so if I die, please tell Miley Cyrus to sing the climb on my funeral, okay? Thanks, that’d be great. And I would like everyone to attend in yellow because that’s a really happy color and I want people to be happy because my life is often sad and depressed with no reason so I want everyone to be happy and smile. And i just wanted to say there has to be a huge tasty cake but then I REALIZED I AM PLANNING MY OWN FUNERAL AND THIS IS NOT RIGHT. TODAY I AM GONNA GO OUT AND LIVE AND I THINK I SHOULD NOT FEEL AFRAID OF THAT AND MORE EXCITED BUT I AM BOTH BUT ALSO HAPPY AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY TOO AND EVERY OTHER PERSON SITTING IN HIS/HER ROOM IN FRONT OF A TECHNOLOGICAL THING AND WITH THE ANXIETY TO GO OUT AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS SHOULD BE HAPPY TOO, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE. AND I AM NOT ASKING „OKAY?“ BECAUSE IT IS A FACT! GO OUT, MEET OLD OR NEW FRIENDS, OR TAKE YOUR FAVORITE BOOK AND SEARCH FOR A NICE PLACE OUTSIDE AND JUST READ, TAKE YOUR TIME AND DO WHAT YOU LOVE BECAUSE THATS QUALITY TIME, IT IS THE PRIME TIME OF OUR LIFE DEPENDING WHAT WE MAKE OUT OF IT. SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE OR ALONE, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, GET DRUNK, PARTY HARD, EAT PIZZA, EAT FRUITS, EAT TACOS, EAT CAKE, DO SPORTS IF YOU WANT, DO ARTS, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK? TO TELL IT IN LOVELY SHAWN MENDES WORDS: „THERE‘S NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK“ AND SO IS YOU! OF COURSE THERE IS SCHOOL OR COLLEGE OR WORK BUT YOUR BURDENS DONT HAVE TO DETERMINE YOUR LIFE. IN HOLIDAYS, I WORKED SIX TIMES A WEEK, FIVE TO SIX HOURS, HAD SPORTS THERAPY AND DRIVING LESSONS AND I NEEDED TO LEARN FOR SCHOOL BUT I WAS TOTALLY DRUNK AND HAPPY ALL THE DAY AND IF I LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN THE HELL DO IT ASWELL. BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU. AND YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, SO TAKE IT. thanks.

[seaswavessurf]

I‘m probably gonna fuck my life up and risk another injury but maybe I will not.

— a novel by me

So last November i got injured inside my knee, doctors didn’t realized i had an ACL and meniscus damage so all this shitty thing was operated in April. Now it’s October again and a sport therapist told me to try playing handball again, it would help me. But I’m scared. No not just afraid, I’m anxious. Every time I watch sports (as for example during PE class), I convulse when someone jumps and lands and my eyes fill up with tears because I imagine the knee breaking down in the next second. I know it’s ridiculous but at the same time I know this isn’t normal but none of my doctors can help me. I don’t know what to do about this fear, even when I imagine a situation where I jump and land, I can nearly feel the physical pain, hear the harrowing sound of a knee damage, my breath goes too fast and low, I nearly pass out only by this imagination because it’s the memory that lasts in my head and I can’t get rid of it.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try a handball session and I hope everything goes fine. I’m really scared. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything ever without anxiety. And I cry again. Only by imagination of what could happen. But these memories are remarkable and this is shit because I really want to move on but I feel like as soon as I take one step forward, I’m thrown two backwards. And I’m scared that my always injured leg will make me even more problems in the future.

But maybe I won’t get hurt. I really hope and try to be optimistic that I‘ll be able to restart an begin again with the sport I love. Running, throwing, laughing, making goals. That’s what I really want. I want to be at my best again. Because when I remember my last good game, I made more than the half of our goals, I defeated the defense of the other team, my friends who where watching and even the other team told me that I was the best player in the game and this makes me really proud. At the same time I want to reach this status again and improve my technique even more, getting better.

[seaswavessurf]

Update: everything went okay, I am alive. Though my knee hurts sometime but it’s really getting better 🙏 I did some things in sport therapy again and i was able to jump, run really fast, run in curves and I am so greatful. 🙏 buuuut it still hurts sometimes and my thoughts are shitty because I think too much of what could happen and It’ll take time to recover but I am happy and glad what i have done so far and that makes me so fucking increadible outstandingly wonderfully happy, I can’t find the right words! (Or obviously the correct grammar, sorry to all English speakers.)

There is only one remaining thing to discribe my mood: :)

[wildvignette]

4th May 2013, 2 years ago today.

I don’t normally post things like this, but this is a big deal for me….

2 years ago I had a serious accident. Sport was my life at this point, I trained 8 times a week. After this injury I was told by my doctors that I would never run again, and that I may never even walk without a brace to hold my leg together. They said it was too serious to fix and that my days of competitive sport were over, the NHS left me in a brace to “see what happened”, and that is a direct quote. At 15 years old that was absolutely devastating to hear.

After 2 months of searching we managed to find a doctor who would do my operation. I had grafts taken from both of my legs to rebuild my knee.

For the next 2 years I did 2 hours of physiotherapy EVERY day….. They were the hardest years of my life, trying to rebuild what I had lost. I had my ups and I had my downs as we all do, but with the help of the amazing people around me I kept going.

And today, on my 17th birthday, I ran my first race…..

I CAN RUN!!

It’s taken me over 1000 hours of physio to get from where I was 2 years ago to today, where I can run. All I can say is never give up, otherwise you’ll never know what you can achieve. And never let anyone else tell you that you can’t do something, set your own goals and limitations. I’m starting to get my life back…

Please, appreciate everything you have, because you never know when it could all be taken away from you

:)

[seaswavessurf]

I‘m probably gonna fuck my life up and risk another injury but maybe I will not.

— a novel by me

So last November i got injured inside my knee, doctors didn’t realized i had an ACL and meniscus damage so all this shitty thing was operated in April. Now it’s October again and a sport therapist told me to try playing handball again, it would help me. But I’m scared. No not just afraid, I’m anxious. Every time I watch sports (as for example during PE class), I convulse when someone jumps and lands and my eyes fill up with tears because I imagine the knee breaking down in the next second. I know it’s ridiculous but at the same time I know this isn’t normal but none of my doctors can help me. I don’t know what to do about this fear, even when I imagine a situation where I jump and land, I can nearly feel the physical pain, hear the harrowing sound of a knee damage, my breath goes too fast and low, I nearly pass out only by this imagination because it’s the memory that lasts in my head and I can’t get rid of it.

Tomorrow I’m gonna try a handball session and I hope everything goes fine. I’m really scared. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything ever without anxiety. And I cry again. Only by imagination of what could happen. But these memories are remarkable and this is shit because I really want to move on but I feel like as soon as I take one step forward, I’m thrown two backwards. And I’m scared that my always injured leg will make me even more problems in the future.

But maybe I won’t get hurt. I really hope and try to be optimistic that I‘ll be able to restart an begin again with the sport I love. Running, throwing, laughing, making goals. That’s what I really want. I want to be at my best again. Because when I remember my last good game, I made more than the half of our goals, I defeated the defense of the other team, my friends who where watching and even the other team told me that I was the best player in the game and this makes me really proud. At the same time I want to reach this status again and improve my technique even more, getting better.

[seaswavessurf]

After nearly two years I need to confess that I broke up with my first boyfriend using quotations of "gotta go on my own way" because I wasn't able to put my feelings into words.

[seaswavessurf]

13 reasons why

I just finished reading 13 reasons why. For the very first I'd like to admit that I had doubts about all the rush about it during the past few weeks. I just read the book, haven't watched the show on Netflix so excuse me if there are differences. But I read this because I had a personal connection to the theme of suicide. Don't judge me but I thought about killing myself some times which is one of the reasons why I wasn't sure if I could read the book. If I would be able/ strong enough to do this. Though it's "just a book", every reader has his own thoughts connected to the content. After all I this it is a compassionate and sophisticated story. I like the way everything is connected with everything which I believe is one of the main topics this book wants to teach. Which leads us to my statement: I heard there were people killing themselves the way Hannah Baker did. At least explaining their intentions to other people and blaming them as a part of some reasons that lead them to do it. What I don't understand is why are people even thinking this would be clever? I'm sorry if I may have an other opinion than you, but I think those people haven't understand the message of the book. >>>Everything affects everything. And as much as all the things happened to Hannah Baker, the blame she's sharing with the listeners affects them. Maybe it would be a reason for e.g. Jenny Kurtz to give up? I really don't know but as we saw with Clay, Hannah didn't know the situations of the others. And what they lived through. And what they thought. Let's take Jenny Kurtz as an example. All we know about her is that she's a cheerleader and caused a car crash with the ending of a boys death. I'm definitely not defending her, but maybe her life was depressing too? She's a cheerleader, which may lead to jealousy of others, maybe she was being dumbed by the boy she liked and used Hannah as an excuse to leave the party, maybe she has a little sibling needing her help and it's her dare to help them from her dad who's aggressive and an alcoholic? We don't know. And that's the point. We mustn't forget this is just a story but we can learn from it. This is not an instruction to find the best ways of taking your life; it's rather a warning. It shows what such an action can do to someone at the example of Clay Jensen. Everything affects everything. On my opinion 13RW is rather an advise to care for each other, to know what can happen and to pay attention of what you do, say, how you act towards your fellow human beings. That's it. Thank you. ;)

[seaswavessurf]

<strong> How can anyone ever forget how heartbreaking this song was?? </strong> <em> "I'm standing here but all I want Is to be over there Why did I let myself believe Miracles could happen? 'Cause now I have to pretend That I don't really care" </em> <u> I mean this is incredible how my heart breaks a little more every time I listen to this song. Like Gabriella just heard heavy words about Troy and his words but she will has to pretend that she didn't really care which is basically the worst.

[seaswavessurf]

Fuck my life. Pt 273828361718

So I went on holidays to Denmark. I went with my parents and we lived near the see where I could go surfing. Because I had shitty injuries four month ago I was not officially allowed to to sports but I fucking love surfing so my parents and I decided to participate a class so I would be more certain. So. I met this holy cute boy who was my teacher and I’m still not over with how breathtaking marvelous pretty he is. Though he gave me tips and everything was right and professional (which means we didn’t even talk a lot and I failed as always) , in breaks or when I was near this surf school we looked at each other. (Plus they were some situations when something embarrassing happened to me and us both had to laugh but stopped when to other one saw it because idk tho. I guess I was too embarrassed and shy.) You know when you look at someone trying not to bet not noticed and then look away embarrassingly? Yeah. I just liked the way he looked at me and sometimes we looked in each other’s eyes like one of us would like to say something but both of us were to shy to say something. Then it was our last day and I had one class right before our departure and I wanted to say something to him because I don’t know anything about him. I know his first name but that’s it. I don’t even know from which country he comes from because he spoke all of these languages! I don’t know anything but his name and his unbelievable wonderful brown eyes where I lost myself in when I they met mine. And now I sit at home, over 600 km away from him, trying to hold on my tears and regretting that I was too shy to say something. I don’t even know if he knows my name. And everything about him and that we would meet again seems unlogical and my thoughts are idiotic. Like I hope to meet him again next year. Ha. As if. But I can’t put my hope down. And I don’t even really know him but I miss him. And it kind of hurts because I really wanted to say something but I was not brave enough. I mean I don’t even really know him but I miss the way he explained me things, how he behaved around exhausting customers when they asked dumb questions, how nice he behaved towards me (I’m probably just one of these dumb persons for him), and especially I miss the way he looked at me, wanting to say something but then he didn’t. When we said goodbye, I could not even find the courage to look at him because I was too shy. And this sucks. Knowing that we will always rest as two foreigners whose met once in a lifetime but won’t ever see each other again. And the pain in my tears is only the regret of not finding the courage to tell him my name or that he’s so damn pretty or that I liked the way he looked at me or anything. Anything would behave been better than hoping he’d say something and regretting in the end to be too shy.

[seaswavessurf]

Wow I am really bored and instead of doing my homework I sit in my room, listen to sad music and think about how happier I could be.

Yesterday I went snowboarding (luuuuv it) and it was the most awesome day of my year. I went with my dad and we have a problematic relationship and discuss a lot but yesterday everything was perfect. We talked a lot and he told me about his time when he was young. And he convinced me to go on a another trip for snowboarding with some other teens. So in two month I am going to travel to Suisse for a week and I am going to snowboard all day. This makes me really happy because i really enjoy doing snowboard. I cannot even describe but I love the way I feel free and how the stress about my life just falls apart and how I am able to let everything go. Sometimes I sit in my room and start to breath way too fast and everything gets hot and cold at the same time and I feel locked into this grey city of liars and superficiality. Sometimes I feel sad though I should be really happy and sometimes I feel like I give up and sometimes I feel like I am not existing but the worst thing of all these is the fact that I do not know the reason for all this. I have a great life.

Oops. I wanted to use the daddy hashtag but I cannot. This internet kills me.

[seaswavessurf]

the reason why I hate myself.

people don’t understand me. every time I look into the mirror, I just want to disappear.

they say I am curvy in a good way. I have a tight gap. but I think I am just fat. and the tight gap is because of my hip. and people told me this. that I am fat. there were haters a year ago. one day I weard a new tshirt. with little palm trees and I felt good. in school they asked me ‘how are you supposed to wear that shirt? you look very fat.’ I never wore this shirt again. now they say these things but they do not tell me these directly.

I have light-golden blond straight hair but I feel ugly because they say it is ugly. and now I think this myself.

I have long dark blonde lashes. I used to like them but they told me it looks unnatural when I was six years old. since that I believe this myself.

I have freckles. just in summer in my face. but since primary school they were used to say that freckles are ugly and unnatural. now there are some people telling me, the freckles looking cute. and when I answer that I do not like them, they ask why. and I say that I do not know the reason but silently I know they make me looking ugly and unnatural.

when I was younger I was proud to be one of the tallest. but they said it was not normal and I am not like them. since that I say that I am less tall.

stop bullying people. it destroys them. everytime I look into the mirror, I want to kill myself. suicide seems easiest sometimes. but I can not because my family loves me. they love me like I am.

[seaswavessurf]

Today i read lots of my old posts. I have to comment on this one. Right now i am progressing on getting more self-confidence. This is really important for me but unfortunately I doubt myself. But when I read this I see that there are already some details that have changed in my mind. I stopped crying when I look into the mirror and I try to smile. I'd like to give an example: I am beginning to like my hair the way it is. Because that is a part of how and who i am. Additionally the freckles. They are not usually and I try to give them a chance. What I want to say is that it just makes me really happy that I am obviously making progress of having a more positive mind. :) my personal proof of that it gets better.🙏