I'll Tell You All My Secrets

i'll lie about my past

[historyofromanovs]

The last Romanov patriarchs at their Coronation Mass, painting by Laurits Regner Tuxen, c. 1898.

“The coronation in Moscow on May 26th 1896 was the most opulent celebration which I ever witnessed. It bordered close to the Oriental and lasted for 10 days. In Moscow the cathedral was filled with paintings on gold ground of saints and all priests were dressed in gold robes applied with embroidery and precious stones. A very deep feeling of mysticism was in all the ceremonies and you could feel the tradition of Byzance… And following the prayer for the Emperor he gets up and then is the only person standing at that moment in the whole Russian Empire… To look at all this must have been like a fantastic dream because the sun was shining an all.” - Ernest Louis, Grand Duke of Hesse, Brother of Empress Alexandra, Grandson of Queen Victoria

[cinematech]

[secreamingsecrets]

Your so beautiful and a good friend to me. It hurts when I'm so convinced that you'll be gone soon..

[secreamingsecrets]

I do try

but it feels like I'm in this constant state of coming up painfully short

but it's cool

i'm happy when people i care about are happy

[voxfeles]

I feel like a ghost. I feel like an apparition. I feel as though, at some point, it occurs to all of them that I’m a ghost, and that they must walk back to their trenches. I’m a mirage. I’m not real. Not more than two nights should be spent with me. It was all a dream. You were silly to think he exists and wants you.

(via trueemergence)

[secreamingsecrets]

I get hangovers from being happy.

[secreamingsecrets]

I feel so perpetually embarrassed. Unconditional is insanity

[voxfeles]

My personal stages of depression, coping methods, and lingering problems

Instead of ever mentioning to 90% of people that I was sad/depressed/etc and that’s why I … disappeared… or any number of things that I tend to do when I get lost. I’m just going to start telling them that I was “ill”. I won’t use the word “sick”, just “ill”.

It makes me feel better because I’m not lying in anyway. There’s often nothing I can do about my depression other than to put one foot in front of the other and brave the storm. All too often if I mention at all that I was sad many people are quick to say things like “Well, you’re the one in control of your emotions.” That’s relatively unfair to say to someone who struggles with functioning in anyway some weeks.

There are many things that one can do though, and I do feel that one should do as many of those things as they can help. However, no matter what someone does climb out of a deep ditch, sometimes there’s simply nothing that will help. There’s nothing that will pull them up. Sometimes it’s permanent, sometimes it’s temporary.

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[secreamingsecrets]

Question for anyone with a history of cutting

I haven't cut in months and months, and for the most part keep all forms of self harm down. I had a pretty awesome night and a good day, but I'm getting these sensations on my wrists.

I can't quite put it to words though. It feels like my fingertips are tingling, and the sensation runs down my hands to my wrists and then the skin there feels really intense. it's especially in my right hand. It makes me want to cut. It also runs down the length of my wrist to my elbow from time to time... it's all so strange and out of nowhere. Does anyone get a similar sensation?

[secreamingsecrets]

i'm just so fucking messed up. It's just spilling out because i felt good, and in the space of time between when i'm happy and when i can repress my emotions - that's the space of time that all my depression escapes through

[secreamingsecrets]

I feel like if I cut I could sleep

I want to be tired

[secreamingsecrets]

I don't want to start cutting again

Im scared But this is what love is right?

[secreamingsecrets]

Another day

Another dazed and confused amble through my life. Reaching my arms out to make certain I dont lose track of the cave wall. For if i trip it takes an eternity to rise up. If I grow weary then it is only on me to pick myself back up.

If it weren't for my natural drive to live I'd long since laid down, never to lift myself up again.

[secreamingsecrets]

There are mornings i wake up where i don't know if my sadness has passed or I'm  just numb from the day prior.

[secreamingsecrets]

If i fall in love with you it's likely ill rip myself to shreds unless youre prepared to nurture what we have. Please don't make me love you unless you have the time to love me. I'll drive myself mad. Not for good reason. Im pathetic and have no control over my innermost emotions.

[secreamingsecrets]

Please. I don't want to hurt. I have no reason to hurt.

[secreamingsecrets]

I'm going to keep talking to people while I wait for you to come spend time with me. It hurts.

I'm being unreasonably clingy right now.