I feel like I am going through puberty again, which sounds disgusting but I mean the psychic part of puberty where everything you thought was stable begins leaking from the edges and your own preferences start embarrassing you because they change before you can build a respectable explanation around them, and every morning I wake up with some new intolerance that apparently developed overnight, suddenly unable to listen to a certain person, wear a certain fabric, tolerate a certain kind of conversation, suddenly disgusted by desires I spent years feeding as though they were pets that would eventually love me back, and there is no dignity in this part of transformation because it is all appetite and aversion and staring too long at yourself in reflective surfaces, trying to determine whether the person in the glass is becoming more beautiful or simply more difficult to lie to. Everything I thought was certain is definitely not, and I keep waiting for this realization to feel liberating in the very clean and very expensive way liberation is advertised, but mostly it feels like somebody came into my house while I was sleeping and moved every piece of furniture exactly four inches to the left, so nothing is technically gone but my body keeps colliding with the new arrangement, hip against the table, shin against the bed frame, hand reaching for a switch that is no longer there, and maybe that is actually Jupiter in Leo entering my second house, not abundance as a reward but abundance as the violent enlargement of what I am able to value, the old containers suddenly too stupid to hold it, my attention becoming expensive, my taste becoming meaner, my life refusing to be organized around what once impressed me, and maybe luck first arrives as disgust, maybe it’s a blessing that the wrong things begin to smell rotten before you are hungry enough to eat them again. But tbh I would like the money too like
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