I’m constantly being approached about how much weight I’ve lost, and every single time someone says I look amazing and give any opinion on it, my response always is, “It’s not healthy.”
I haven’t stepped foot in a gym during any of this weight loss. I take 13 pills a day just to survive daily life. I’ve had to switch medications every 4–6 months because something either stopped working or worked too well. I’ve done all of this because I was just trying to get my brain to a place where it didn’t want to die anymore.
That’s the reality of mental illness. You have to numb yourself enough to survive, but not so much that you become a zombie in public. And while doing that, life still expects you to function normally.
I still work more than full time. I handle groceries, cooking, cleaning, appointments, meetings, school stuff, every decision for our life, and everything involving my son’s education and diagnosis. And I’m probably still forgetting a million other things.
The point is nowhere in that list is there room for me to just exist for a second.
So before commenting on my weight, my behavior, or assuming I’m “not in the right mindset,” maybe step back and look at the bigger picture. I’m someone with bipolar disorder carrying the weight of a lot.
Ironically, I’ve never felt more clear-minded. People seem to forget who I actually am. I’ve always been vocal. I’ve always been honest. I don’t care who you are I’ll tell you exactly what’s on my mind. I’ve never lied about where I’m at mentally.
But hear me when I say this: if I have a problem, the first question should not automatically be, “Is she mentally stable?” My doctors don’t call me self aware for nothing. I’m high functioning bipolar, and all I’m trying to do is survive so my child has a mother.
So yes, I’m losing weight. But at what cost?
Am I happy to be smaller? Sure. But what it took to get here wasn’t healthy. I’ve lost almost 60 pounds in a year.
I say all of this to say look at the bigger picture before judging someone. If I seem angry or sad sometimes, understand that I live with those feelings every day. Some days the noise is just too loud to stay quiet.
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month.
Think before assuming. Think before giving unnecessary opinions. If you don’t have access to my medical chart, I probably don’t need your input.
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