Not a Poet Just a Romantic

[secretsaintpoet]

Insane

I am going insane. Every night I sit there unable to get past an endless empty stare. I got to bed missing beyond missing trying to recover and become with you again. Infinitely waiting, so it seems until the day it ends. I just can't wait for the day that the waiting is forgotten and there is nothing more there. I just feel so infinitely helpless, unable to move, unable to think. Just hoping for the end to near and the day to break once again.

The full ache continues on and on without any release. Impossibly my heart hurts more and more and I don't know how to fix it, the longing unbearably so just keeps dripping the dark drips of blood with every day. The tears continue on and on, but now instead of wet they burn, I don't want to cry anymore I just want to be back. Back in your arms, back where I know I belong but can't yet quite go. When the days are slow time slows down more than I ever thought possible and my dreams seep into the day where nothing seems real and you seem out of my grasp.

I always wonder if you hurt the same or if I am again alone on this wandering and waiting. I never want to ask because if you are hiding the pain talking about it should only make it worse? But I only want to know that we are here together, not alone, but together like it always should be and exactly how I desperately want it to be. You make me want to be better, you make me want to be perfect for you and I hope one day I can be exactly that where you and I are together perfectly in life. When that day comes the insanity will slip and everything will go back to perfection. Finally at long last I will be home after years of searching, wandering and waiting, finally I will be home.

[secretsaintpoet]

Alltid i dag

En dag går varje natt med du är min för alltid. Ja vill ha dig I varje ögonblick I varje tid för I hela mitt livet. Jag ser inte hur ser jag hur ja mår med jag känna till att jag kömmer alltid att tänka på dig. Du är mig lättast i mig svartast natt. Mig litte tusensköna du är mig alltid och mig slut.

[secretsaintpoet]

Endless tomorrows

Now again in supple stationary time. I look again down the line to when we will see each other again. Now so far oh so long away. With everything breathing breathe and every last sob. My endless eyes can't stop searching for your eyes so stationary. My only thought is of you and by thought I mean the ever present being in my mind. The one thing that is so close but seemingly endless in worth.

And now what can I do but wait. Sit here and long for now. Wait and sit in all the darkness before me. Until finally, one day the light passes through and enters right back in where it once was. That is the day that I wait for and that is the day that I will keep hoping tomorrow is. Even though I know there are so many tomorrow's until that day.

So keep and hoping and keep on wishing for another day until that days comes. Only then can I finally find the end of the light in the breaking of the day. Please move fast to get here faster so that my endless night can be lit once more.

[quotefeeling]

“Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.”

— Khalil Gibran

[secretsaintpoet]

This...

[perfectquote]

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

— Mark Twain

[metamorphesque]

“you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.”

— For Women Who Are Difficult To Love, Warsan Shire

[thepersonalquotes]

[resqectable]

“Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.”

— Joan Rivers

[perfectfeelings]

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.”

— Charlotte Eriksson

[thoughtkick]

“There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald // The Sensible Thing

[perfectfeelings]

“I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level break me. I will simply breathe. I will be OK because I don’t quit.”

— Shayne McClendon

[soracities]

"Can I tell you that, sometimes, I utter the word justice and mean revenge? On my best nights, I mean mercy, but my best is my rarest form."

J. Estanislao Lopez, from "My Uncle's Killer"

[secretsaintpoet]

Forever between breaths

What happens to the words that are sent out into the world, with endless time between them. In the present when we wait the future is an eternity away and will always be that way until we reach that moment. There is no possible way to find the end to a time that is not now and in times crushing wait I now have to wait.

Although, in some moments maybe I want the wait to go on forever, because the deep despair that can come might be better than this unknowing longing. Perhaps it is better to live a life in waiting. In breaths I find the only way to keep thinking and always forgetting. Why am I in such fear of the possibilities of life. What could be worse than being alone in this thought and not having any real reason to change.

My worst fear is you going back, going back to what must be wrong. Going back to the toxic line that can't be right. Those things that we think might be important, but are too spectacular to burn any dimmer than a star, but explode just like everything. We try to contain the damage, but some things are too much and is this one? I have no fear in the explosion that might happen, or in the scars it might leave since the ones underneath already run much deeper. Time is lacking and the world is closing around in a desperate attempt to feel.

What can we do in a life that doesn't seem to be written by ourselves, that night everything happened in an instant out of nowhere. Now in sleepless ignorance I stay waiting and wondering for what might come next. Until then I will be taken slowly wavering in an out of lapses of time between each check between each breathe that now defines the passing of time. An obscene obsession with the impossibly known and that is the end of time as I wait for the endless silence encompassing my soul.

[secretsaintpoet]

Release

And finally in times gone by,

I have sent it,

I have acknowledged the endless silence,

And entered into the darkest night.

With everything back in the world,

The world seems so closed,

So dark,

but so light in potential.

I need to go,

Use this constrain as energy,

Because now I feel like death,

My lungs are closing.

But with every close,

There is the chance for a new opening,

With desperate self malice,

I sit here in despair,

Waiting for a light,

From that cruel cruel line.

But what if it is done,

What if now there is no further dream,

All in a memory,

Forever forgotten and never lived.

What if the end is here,

With no beginning in sight.

That is exactly it,

The fear behind it all as great as the dark.

[secretsaintpoet]

Toxic Lines

In toxic lines I lay,

Waiting for the day,

Laying wide awake.

The stream of minds end,

Just like a rivers bend,

Endlessly without time for a friend.

How can I speak without a voice,

Like I am kept down without a choice,

Whimpering whailing wanting.

Around and around I look,

But no one is there to hook,

Only my own endless book.

One of endless sighs,

One of forever lies,

One of killer ties.

The ones that never stay,

The ones that always slay,

The ones that keep away.

So I ask where we are now,

With the tears wetting my brow,

Waiting until time takes its bow.

Laying by these toxic lines,

Hoping and waiting for these fines,

To end my endless longing times.

[secretsaintpoet]

All in the end

Where some dreams go to die all my life seems to live. In the end I stare back in bliss at a time when nothing else mattered. A time when everything seemed to stop just for us. In a time when we weren't looked at by those prying eyes, or spoken in the harsh tongue of anyone. Why did it ever have to end? Why couldn't we just leave?

If the end really does mean the end, why exactly do I feel like there is still a way forward. In this instant I am desperate to ask, just what could be. To the big universe out there that seems to never give you any hints. I just want help, I just want to know what you want because now I know nothing of the sort. I know nothing of the vast eternity of emotions that could be screaming at me behind a wall of empty.

The silence is the worst, because I again here the end just as brightly as that day. Just as deeply as the time before which ruins me even more. My chest closes up, breathing becomes shallow and now it all fades to black with the essence of nothing all wrapped up in the sweet paper of danger. In gasps I can't quite see the eternity before me and just like a dream everything is fading so fast. In de ja vu I find the truth, but only in small steps. The times slowly passing by destroying every memory I had. Wondering how things have gone so wrong and seemingly out of fear. Except now there is no fear only anger in the state of reality. Anger turning to frustration ruining the mind without any taste.

And now again we see the end. All faded in darkness losing all of the meaning that will be forgotten in the place. The place that I can never forget, but you will seemingly forget its meaning. A meaning that draws mountains in the sky of stars endlessly moving in time away down the road of life. Losing its light as it moves further away until there is no light and the dark consumes everything else.

Here at the end there is no light, no more memory, just frustration in the fact that the light has been dimmed into a small fraction of what it was and what it might ever be.

[secretsaintpoet]

Dream Away

As the days go by,

and the leaves change back.

My mind is all in awe,

thinking on my dream.

The dream that couldn't be,

the one that only exists in silence,

the one that can never be again.

But that exact specificity ends

in the same place it began,

with a kiss in the dark.

With eyes all closed,

behind the shade of sun,

every feeling was shown,

but none ever felt.

All that is known,

is as absent as my heart,

all lost back in that place,

far below yet so high above.

Now I am alone,

with the memory of you,

to keep the pain.

To slowly slip days knife,

right underneath my skin,

with every feeling doused in pain.

I wished I could sleep again,

but now dreams never come.

Only that day will ever exist,

in a dream back in time.

In a place so large in my heart,

yet so small in time.