When I can feel my depression slowly creeping it’s way back:
d e v o n
KIROKAZE
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

No title available
No title available
Sade Olutola
dirt enthusiast
Misplaced Lens Cap
ojovivo
No title available
YOU ARE THE REASON

Janaina Medeiros

@theartofmadeline
Today's Document
tumblr dot com

No title available
🪼
styofa doing anything
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
seen from United States

seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Mexico
seen from United States

seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Russia

seen from Czechia

seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from Netherlands

seen from Kazakhstan
seen from Portugal

seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United Kingdom
@secretsideofme95
When I can feel my depression slowly creeping it’s way back:
Well ... I'm back again. And I'm getting worse and worse every single day.
Its My Birthday ... just wish i had someone to share it with instead of being on my own,
7 Signs that show you’re negatively attached to the past
1. You can’t, or won’t, talk about it.
2. You’re constantly being hit by “those same old feelings.”
3. You can’t relax and be yourself with certain people from your past.
4. You’re attracted to partners who treat you negatively.
5. You over-react, and find it hard to calm down.
6. You have poor boundaries, and always feel you’re being used.
7. You’re always making poor decisions, and repeating old mistakes.
So - I Made A Start
Today i made a start, i cant keep fighting this, not on my own im tired im worn out its been years and i just dont care anymore.
I made an appointment for therapy and counselling . im really no optimistic about it but i cant do this on my own.
I also talked to someone from one of my previous jobs about going back on the weekends, maybe not isolating myself and interacting with others and getting out will help maybe but i wanna start slow otherwise ill get overwhelmed.
i hate that one minuet im great im happy then all of a sudden without warning i plummet really low again in a matter of seconds
This Is My Story!
So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.
I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.
Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.
In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.
Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15.
When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.
I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.
So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.
i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.
This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve.
Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.
My family, that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.
my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day.
my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.
My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..
my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.
i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.
so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore, nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that.
i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,
i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late.
my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do.
everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.
I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.
im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ...
But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...
cool things about people with bpd
i know bpd is hell but like hear me out
we strongly value our relationships
we know when something is genuinely Not Funny
we can read emotions well
being happy is like the best thing ever
we’re really good at helping others
we’re strong as heck, we’ve been through a lot
we see the world the way no one else does
we are super creative
loyalty is easy to us
we are really passionate
finding new hobbies is super fun
lots of us have a high pain tolerance
and for some reason,,, all of us are really good at making puns
Its Christmas
And im all on my own,, no one to talk to no one to see or be around. no tree or decorations, no presents. its just another day for me, nothing different :(
I need friends!
I have none :(.
I just dont know how i feel anymore, im disconnecting for every emotion and feeling. im loosing touch from reality.
My legs are dangling off the edge, The bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone, My legs are dangling off the edge, A stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone. Gone too far and yeah I'm gone again, It's gone on too long, tell you how it ends, I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends, Ones a bottle of pills, ones a bottle of gin, I'm twenty stories up, yeah I'm up at the top, I'll polish off this bottle, now it's pushing me off, Asphalt to me has never looked so soft, I bet my momma found my letter, now shes calling the cops, I gotta take this opportunity before I miss it, 'Cause now I hear the sirens and they're off in the distance, Believe me when I tell you that I've been persistent, 'Cause I'm more scarred, more scarred than my wrist is, I've been trying too long, with too dull of a knife, But tonight I made sure that I sharpened it twice, I never bought a suit before in my life, But when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice. So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow, Yeah I'll see you tomorrow. My legs are dangling off the edge, The bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone, My legs are dangling off the edge, A stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone. We hit the sky, there goes the light, No more sun, why's it always night When you can't sleep, well, you can't dream, When you can't dream, well, whats life mean? We feel a little pity, but don't empathize The old are getting older, watch a young man die, A Mother and a Son and someone you know, Smile at each other and realize you don't, You don't know what happened to that kid you raised, What happened to the Father, who swore he'd stay? I didn't know 'cause you didn't say, Now Momma feels guilt, yea Momma feels pain, When you were young, you never thought you'd die, Found that you could but too scared to try, You looked in the mirror and you said goodbye, Climb to the roof to see if you could fly. So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow, Yeah I'll see you tomorrow. My legs are dangling off the edge, The bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone, My legs are dangling off the edge, A stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone. I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky, Like a bird so high, Oh I might just try, I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky, Like a bird so high, Oh I might just try, Oh I might just try.
Bullet - Hollywood Undead
I can't believe That when I breathe That there's something good inside of me Just one good thing inside of me So close to me That memory Of that one good thing inside of me Just one good thing inside of me Yeah If I went out the back door, nobody would stop me But, where would I go? 'Cause I ain't ever had a real home So, what do I know? So, I could keep runnin', hide until they find me But, what would that do? If they could only know what I knew What would it do? I shoulda' seen the writin' on the wall Instead, I'm left to fall 'Cause the longer I'm away, I'll always stay the same Lookin' back, when I thought I knew it all Instead, I'm left to fall Did I throw it all away? I can't believe That when I breathe That there's something good inside of me Just one good thing inside of me So close to me That memory Of that one good thing inside of me Just one good thing inside of me Yeah Don't you know, little boy, They'll lay you to waste, man Little do they know, every song is a lifespan Yeah, they've taken one, but I'm takin' my last chance To hold all we know and let go with both hands Though, don't you know that plots are made from concrete Right through the stone, can you hear my heart beat? Beats through my bones, like no memory left me Not for a second or a minute when I dream I wanna go home, like a home that I'll keep You can dig six or sixty-six feet We can live forever, still your misery missed me Hold this song together with a bottle of whiskey Look into the mirror, and the lines that time drew Seen 'em painted white in the eyes that shine through My heart beats heavy in an open chest And, I wanna say goodbye, but there's nobody left I can't believe That when I breathe That there's something good inside of me Just one good thing inside of me So close to me That memory Of that one good thing inside of me Just one good thing inside of me Yeah I broke it all, and I put to the test Put your hands in mine, and feel this emptiness There's no beat in my chest 'Cause there's nothin' left No, it ain't goodbye, it's a last caress What's another dream? You could hardly sleep Can you believe bad things only happen to me? God knows one day, you will finally see That's scares will heal, but we're meant to bleed Do you realize I would lie for you? Please out my last breath, I would die for you I know I'm no good, but my heart beats true You know I'm gonna fight, though I must be scared to lose You took me in, and I fucked it up again And an empty promise, no, I won't pretend 'Cause in the end, we need someone to solve 'em Nobody can fix me if I'm part of the problem I can't believe That when I breathe That there's something good inside of me Just one good thing inside of me So close to me That memory Of that one good thing inside of me Just one good thing inside of me Yeah
Believe by Hollywood Undead
so im so so low, crying, literraly just i cant even explain just so depressed and biggest urges, i cut, and then i go to a mood that you couldnt even tell i was like that 10 mins ago.
no one knows how badly im really struggling. no one knows how much i wanna die. no one knows that every night i lay here in a dark room crying, no one knows every day how im fighting so hard not to just turn over sleep, no one knows how disappointing i am that i woke up that morning. no one knows whats really in my head, and i cant tell them, they wont understand.
I feel like instead of going through my 20’s having fun and going out with friends, instead I’m going through a shitty depression I’ve been going through for 9 years