antipersonhood

read the FAQs in the menu ~ I'm not gonna kms just to spite you :) ~ fetuses are actual people & abortion murders them ~ Family Preservation, Rescue, & CLE ~ anarcho-communist baddie

[secularprolifeconspectus]

FAQs: Please read before sending an ask!

Table of Contents

Directories

Preface

1. Philosophy of Ethics

2. Paradigms of Choice

3. Fallibility of Empathy

4. Fallacy of Bodily Autonomy

5. Value of Futures Like Ours

6. Parallels with Feminism

7. Exploitation of Women

8. Humanity as an Inviolable End

9. Incongruity of Right to Refuse

10. Consistent Life Ethic

11. Family Planning

12. Unsubstantiated Claims

13. Efficacy of Laws

14. Uncertainty of Personhood

15. Fetal Personhood

Links to crisis support for pregnancy, parenting, and post-abortion

Send an Ask

Submit a Thought

Disclaimer

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Hi, it's the anon who asked about sterilization. Just wanted to let you know that I did find someone and have gotten my tubes tied. Thanks for your help.

Hey, thanks for the follow up, that's great news! I'm glad you were able to exercise that control over your body and reproduction and that you remained consistent in your opposition to violence against the vulnerable :) Ultimately this is a very responsible and protective choice. I wish the best for you in the future!

[secularprolifeconspectus]

i read your pamphlet and was thoroughly unimpressed. i'm actually insulted that you think that i as a left wing person (the presumed audience) haven't already thought through literally all of these considerations yes, it is largely because i live in a male-supremacist world that pregnancy would be disastrous to the realisation of my goals and preferences: ergo, i would need to abort if i became pregnant if i wish to thrive in the world as it is (not the world as it should be) it is also because i live in a needlessly carnist world that i, in my particular economic situation, need to eat meat if i want to thrive: ergo, i need to kill sentient beings - persons, because i believe that animals are persons - fish - who have just as much if not more of a preference to remain alive as pre-term fetuses do you eat meat? i do, because i have tried the alternative; i have tried to live in the spirit of self-sacrifice, and it brought me to the brink of suicide. i choose to kill so that i can thrive in the flawed world that exists. i choose myself, because i have learned through experience that there is no other way to make my life worth living. and i refuse to apologise

Oh cool, I think you read my zine, and thanks for giving it a chance! The zine is only an introduction to ideas and not a full argument in itself, so if you've already been introduced to all of these ideas as a leftist, good on ya. I know many leftists who honestly haven't given the issue much consideration, and they are the target audience for the zine. Sorry that you were insulted; this zine was not made for you. You seem to be ready for more advanced analysis. Also, when you say "pre-term" I think you mean "pre-viable"; if you think it's okay to kill premies at will, we need to have an additional discussion.

It appears that you define personhood by sentience — so, in your view, moral worth is a sliding scale based upon one's ability to produce observable evidence of sentience, and the more one produces, the more valuable one is. In your view, fish have personhood, but they aren't equal to you in such a way that killing them or doing deliberate violence against them is unjustified. That tells me that we are defining "person" differently, not just personhood — to me, a person is a being equal to you and I, in such a way that killing them can only be justified by extraordinary circumstances, such as self-defense or risk indicated beyond duty. From what you said, it appears to me that you think a being can be a person and yet still be killed as a means to an ordinary end, such as sustenance and lifestyle. To me, that category of being is "subpersons" — beings who deserve our magnanimity, but not our equal rights. I'm interpreting your perspective this way partly from the assumption that you don't think it's justified to kill me to eat or to meet your goals, because I have some evident "preference" (self-consciousness) that I'd like to not be killed.

To answer your question directly: yes, I do eat meat, because I don't understand animals to be persons. I don't support animal rights, but I do support animal welfare. So I do have strong concerns about factory farming and other obvious abuses of animals, and I recognize that by continuing to eat meat I am complicit in these abuses. Ultimately, my reasons for continuing to eat meat are extremely similar to yours: I don't know how to survive without it (which may in part be due to my resistance to putting in effort to learn how; I digress.) So, I completely understand your reasoning there. However, I know many pro-lifers who believe that to be consistent, one must be vegan (check out Vegans for Preborn Rights). And I get that there's no ethical consumption under capitalism etc, but as leftists, aren't we committed to prefiguring a better world? We must find balance between surviving a flawed world and not losing our humanity in the process, or giving up on the struggle for a more humane society. (Also, I'm sorry you've struggled with suicide. I've been there, and it's healthy that self-preservation is a priority for you now; let's just make sure it's not at the expense of committing human rights violations.)

I'd like to call a few things to your attention. First, that it's the fourth stage of genocide to deny the humanity of a group by equating them with animals. Sure, you think there's adequate, sane reason to equate fetuses and fish; they're functionally comparable in a temporal sense, right? To challenge this claim, I'd ask you to learn more about polyvagal theory and refine your theory of mind. When your mammalian brain goes offline temporarily in survival situations and you respond from your reptilian brain, are you no more valuable than a lizard? Is it justified for me to kill you when your brain is temporarily functioning in a way comparable to a reptile?

Second, can you defend that evident self-consciousness is actually a morally significant criterion for personhood? Read my selected highlights from essay 2 in this post, "The Moral Insignificance of Self-consciousness".

Third, I think a better criterion for personhood is an active and inherent relation to our collective humanity, which includes sentience and self-consciousness. I explain that more in this post. Give all this a mulling over and feel free to come back to me with questions or rebuttals. It's unlikely that you have a qualm I haven't already thought about.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

To the anon who asked about non-hormonal family planning, I would add that there's a lot of different fertility awareness methods (FAMs is the secular term for natural family planning). They have a bad rep because of old outdated strategies that aren't very effective (calendar or rhythm method) and since some "crunchy" people like them, but the new systems are very grounded in science and can be very effective. FAM is an umbrella term so it's not just one thing. There is a subreddit r/FAMnNFP with links to resources. You can use them with or without barrier methods.

Personally I like the Marquette method where you measure your hormone levels to determine when you're ovulating. I use it with the Mira monitor since it gives more specific measurements but most people use Clearblue. This method is very objective, downside is there is a recurring cost to buy measurement sticks, but it's worth it for me since I want to monitor my PCOS. I personally didn't like the Creighton or symptothermal method where you track cervical mucus and body temperature since I didn't have clear patterns, but some women do and it works great for them at no cost.

I personally also have very positive experiences with periods of abstinence (while married) and think women should always feel confident about being able to make that choice even if there's both religious and secular societal pressure to "put out" when partnered. A man is never owed sex if the woman feels seriously unprepared for the costs of pregnancy or otherwise unsafe during sex, and a good partner should be open-minded about finding other ways to express intimacy until she is ready.

This is great! I support! Thanks for sharing!!

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Can you give some prolife blogs thar are not bordeline radfems/TERF or religious. The only active one i know is thatsprolifeactually, besides then, no one, nothing, nada. Oh, and that one of they are an pro life autistic, but, yeh, besides them, no one.

It's hard to find nonreligious blogs... the pro-life athiest to religious pipeline is real. But here's some of my favorites that value secular arguments and evidence:

@fetalbat

@not-your-average-prolifer

@egalitarianchica

@ffcrazy15

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Can you explain to me why birth control is not ethical like i am 5 years old, please?

I wouldn't say that birth control is unethical, but I would say it might be immoral. Ethics are rules for everybody about what we should or should not do, while morals are more like a personal code of conduct. I don't think that birth control is a human rights violation, such as abortion, so we shouldn't outlaw it; but I do think it's not morally neutral, so we should each carefully consider if using it is in alignment with our values.

So, why might contraception be immoral? Look at it this way: every time you have sex, you're creating a situation in which a new person could come into being. But when you use contraceptives, you're trying to prevent that potential person from ever coming into existence. The intention of contraception is normally to try and control the timing of reproduction so the procreative process can't create. Your rationale might be, "I just don't want a baby right now", but in effect, you're telling the particular baby you would have conceived from that instance of sex, "not you, not ever." You're saying to this potential person, "your existence would be a problem."

Now, would you ever tell a child that already exists that their existence is a problem? I hope not. It's a terrible way to think about humanity, that anyone's existence isn't inherently a good thing. This is because humans are intrinsically valuable; they matter regardless of external factors. If you believe this is true, then it logically follows that preventing an intrinsically valuable being from coming into existence is problematic — in effect, by denying their existence, you are denying their value as well.

So this is where it gets tricky, and important. Technically, you haven't harmed anyone real by preventing an imaginary person from existing. But is it okay to hold the mindset that sometimes the very existence of a person could be a problem? That people ought only to exist when we decide it's convenient for us? Is that a good outlook to have on humanity, and is that a moral place to act from?

I hope this breaks it down enough for you. There's a longer explanation of this argument here, and I also go into the pragmatic problems with birth control here, and I talk about other considerations around contraception here.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

I am sorry but i disagree with your argument because of this take:

"The baby is not a stranger because you share 50% of your DNA with them"

I do not think me sharing DNA with someone makes then less of a stranger. And i do not think someone should be forced into extreme body modification because of a stranger.

This kinda falls into "blood is blood" and the "sacred nuclear family" and idk man, its just wrong. I do not think the is a sacred duty of the woman or the man to parent a child, this is why adoption exist.

Eh, first of all, fuck the domestic infant adoption industry. Selling babies isn't the radical take you want it to be.

And okay, fair, the non-stranger point on it's own isn't a complete argument. You probably don't owe people you're related to your body just because you share DNA.

But I think the point still stands that analogies which compare prenatal offspring to strangers fall flat. The blood relationship is distinct from a stranger with whom you have no relation; you can be estranged from family, but that doesn't make them biological or metaphysical strangers in relation to you.

Also, what does extreme body modification mean here? Are we talking, like, amputation? Because if you're gonna have an irreversible mutilation due to pregnancy, I actually think you ought to have the choice to martyr yourself (or not) in such a way for your child.

If my arguments amount to "do x because it's sacred", then I've failed as a secularist. But I don't believe that they do. That being said, I believe you had to read pretty deep into my old posts to find that argument, which I appreciate. Keep reading; just be open to new ideas.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Okay, this might sound rude bcs i am tone deaf and kinda dumb tbh. But if abortion is not an option what is avaliable to avoid pregancy? Bcs hormonal birth control fucks with your body in a way that is just horrible. I am obese bcs of my pills and miserable. Cant have an IUD bcs its abortion adjacent. Cant have my tubes tied until i am 25 and even then i will need to find a doctor willing to do it, bcs in my country they can just denie it for religious reasons. So what? My options is fucking my body with hormones until it kills itself or have an unwated pregancy? Should i not have sex with my fiance until i am 25 to avoid it? The only options left is condoms bcs in my country all the other barrier methos cost more than 50$. No shit. This is serious. Which is fair, condom is a option, despite me kinda having a little tick with the texture, its weird but its not a sensory overload like other things. Fair. But if anything happens, the condeom brokes (not rare) or anything like that i am basically fucked. Natural birth control is not that reliable especially for someone like me who has a messy cicle. So, what do we do? Celibacy? I wish the age where i could get my tubes tied was lower but i need options besides fucking my body with hormones, using condoms bcs they keep breaking. Is there really not any goddam method that is not IUD who last long and that doesnt fuck with my body?

This is such a great question, and you're right, it's very serious. Personally, I use spermicide sponges and condoms at the same time, along with the Billings Method to avoid my fertile window. Because like you, I hate fucking hormonal birth control, and IUDs cause pre-implantation abortions (you have that all correct). Good on you for trying to remain consistent, though. I'm sorry getting sterilized is so hard in your country, it makes me so mad that it's so strictly regulated compared to abortion, which ends a life.

Are vasectomies regulated similarly heavily in your country? Have you talked to your partner about that?

Do sponges really cost more than $50 in your country? 😱 If so, natural sponges can be a backup, and they're reusable I believe. Same with diaphragms. Google that.

The Billings Method is not like traditional NFP — even professional athletes with totally irregular cycles have used it to successfully time pregnancies. Look into getting a coach!

And unfortunately... yeah. If you're pro-life and your birth control fails, you're having a fucking baby. I know that sucks but especially with a fiance, it's not the end of the fucking world; just the start of a new one.

If you have more questions about anything specific I mentioned, feel free to send me a non-anon ask and I'll DM you. And if cost really is a barrier to you, maybe I can help connect you to resources to mail you stuff or get it paid for. Best of luck!

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Abortions should not be mandatory for pregnant girls.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

In amidst of all the hate mail probably flooding your inbox, I just want to say thank you for being one of the few good voices not only on this hell-forsaken site, but the movement as a whole. 

It's so rare to meet another non-fundie, secular-based PLer, even if you yourself are catholic (I think, correct me if I'm wrong). I know people will naturally argue from the morals derived from the religion they ascribe to, as religion itself is an ideology/philosophy, but the issue with assigning religious terminology along to your arguments is that they turn them null to a non-Christian crowd. No matter how logical, reasonable, and sensical you are being, the very moment "God" or "Jesus" is uttered, people will automatically think you're a christofascist theocrat and stop listening, which tbf is actually true for too big a number of PL activists. This is ESPECIALLY true for those with religious trauma. The most pro-abortion (self-titled) advocates out there tend to be those with the most traumatic backgrounds with religion, in America at least. Just knowing you're prolife, and they will cut you off as a trauma response. 

It's because of this that pro-life is now disregarded as "religious moral panic" instead of an actual human rights movement. Of how refusing to perform, have, or even voicing anything against abortion is considered "religious objection" in my country. Being against elective feticide should not be on the same level as a muslim telling everyone to stop eating pork. But according to those fundies, it damn as well be, as they have admitted, when questioned, that "saving souls" and converting people are more important than saving lives. Which, goddamn, perhaps bc I'm an atheist, but if your belief system tells you to put it above actually saving living people then that's shit's goddamn heinous. I'm sorry if it comes across as me offending your beliefs, it's just theirs that scare me and most PCers. 

It's even more rare to find another sapphic PLer like me! I feel so incredibly lonely not only in my very PC country, but in every community I'm in. Unlike in the US with a bigger and more varied PL resistance, there's no equivalent of "Rainbow Pro-Life" or "Secular Pro-Life" here afaik. The only PL group in my area is openly religious and hostile to any non-christians. The PL movement as a whole, while you will receive a bunch of shifty eyes for being the black sheep or that dumb "atheists can't have morals" bs, to LGBT+, non-gender conforming people it's especially harsh. On the flipside, the LGBT community too is equally as brutal when they find out you're PL and cast you out. Which I understand, because of that rampant queerphobia and religious trauma mentioned earlier. Again, my frustration is towards those nutters for ruining this movement. There's so much I want to vent about, but don't feel comfortable openly sharing even as anon heh. I heard you were open to DMs, mind if we chat? If not, that's fine, but you mentioned in the previous post that you knew progressive PLers across the country, does that extend to foreign ones as well? Because the only progressive abortion group "closest" to where I live (Rehumanize Toronto) is inactive lol.

Hey anon, thanks for the kind words!

Yes I'm Catholic, but I'm a secularist because I believe strongly in separation of church and state (not that your faith shouldn't inform your politics, but that you can't use your faith to force others into your politics.) You're so right about pro-choice closed-mindedness often being a religious trauma response. And yeah, the people who use the anti-abortion cause just to try and prove the perversion of anything outside of their faith (or the conservative worldview) definitely hurt the movement.

Sure, you can send me a non-anon ask and I'll send you a DM to chat. And I do know progressive pro-lifers all over the world! Unfortunately not that many in Canada, but yeah, you should definitely reach out to the point person for Rehumanize Toronto, Rosalyn Mitchell, who has some extremely progressive writing. I'm sure there are others... they're just quiet, for now. New progressive PLers come out of the closet, all the time.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Any idea why Bee left the movement? She was so passionate yet somehow it was a year ago that she had an abortion? It doesn't make sense.

I have my ideas about it which I've detailed here, but I don't want to get too much into it because I know Bea is stalking my pages, she's obsessed with me or something idk. I'm truly not even sure if she had an abortion. From what I could gather before I blocked her, she tried to overdose on oregano oil or some other herbal abortifacient to kill her baby during a pregnancy scare in which her partner encouraged her to consider abortion. It then either worked, or she had a miscarriage coincidentally, or she never actually was pregnant. She told many versions of the story in the year between it happening and her flipping, so I'm not certain if she actually induced an abortion or if she just convinced herself that she did. The sad part is that she's now touting the most intellectually impoverished takes on personhood, mainly that your vulnerability determines your moral status. This is plainly might-makes-right, and I lament that someone I considered as intellegent as Bea would stoop to that argument. Denial and grief are incredibly powerful.

As with Ayala, I think Bea tried to hang onto her pro-life views after her abortion, but the way the movement at large treats post-abortive women disillusioned her and pushed her away. That's our fault, we failed her. We could have embraced her and pointed her toward healing, but the movement shunned and ostracized her. Of course she flipped into the "welcoming" arms of the pro-aborts at that point. But to be fair, Bea behaved the same way to Ayala after her abortion. It's mob mentality, puritanical, burn-the-witch style. We gotta do better.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Is in your opinion justifyable to aborto in cases of sexual assault, or if the victim is young? You know what else people are gonna bring up. Or when you mean pro life you just mean "do not abort whithout a good reason"?

I've basically already answered this in more detail in other posts, which I will link. To summarize: I don't think abortion is ethical in cases of sexual assault of adults and teens, however, I am not against the rape exception. In very young people, I haven't taken a hard stance, but I do think that they should be allowed to continue their pregnancies and supported if they choose. When I say pro-life, I mean I'm against elective induced abortion because it's abusive violence. If you have a reason to kill that prevails over your duty to protect vulnerable children, then it's not abuse, it's justified. Hope that's clarifying.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Do you by any chance know of any online places where I could get in contact with a psychiatrist? I need a letter of approval from one in order to get tubal ligation surgery. If not, do you perhaps know another owner of a tumblr bog who might know?

First, may I just say that I think it's really stupid that you have to get approval from a psychiatrist to get sterilized but not to have an abortion. I watched a TED talk years ago that really impacted my thinking on this. I'm sorry you're having to jump through such hoops just to have control over your reproduction. Sterilization is where I lean fully pro-choice/bodily autonomy/repro justice. I just think it's something the government shouldn't have so much say in, and we shouldn't question people who don't want to reproduce like they're insane or haven't thought their decisions through. Maybe something like a waiting period makes sense, but finding a psychiatrist is a deliberate hurdle.

And you know what? I bet the abortion industry is partly behind the difficulty to get sterilized. With more sterilized people, they lose their cash crop. They WANT us to "breed" because they want to sell more procedures. It's repeat income, unlike sterilization procedures. So in a way, good for you getting sterilized, stick it to the industry.

So yeah, to answer your question: I usually just look up psychiatrists on psychologytoday.com. If you're trying to get sterilized, I'd recommend avoiding any therapists who list religion as a specialty. If I learn of any places you can go to look for reproductive health psychiatrists specifically, I'll update this post. Good luck!

Update: this pro-lifer has tubal litigation links in her linktree.

[thatsprolifeactually]

I am pro choice, but i apreciate your work and view into a more progressive, queer friendly pro life view. Most of pro life people i met were neo liberals or conservative, none actually leftist. So this is a breath of fresh air.

That’s the idea! A lot of people don’t know the original pro-life movement was leftists and fought as a feminist human rights issue, before it was co opted by evangelicals and conservatives which lost it most if not all its credibility. My brain is too fried at the moment but there’s articles about how the Republican Party was really only able to stay afloat by dividing people on abortion specifically and it’s fascinating.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Are you against pro-natalism in general or connecting it to pro-life?

I'm natalism-neutral. I really don't think we ought to moralize our existence. You exist? That is a good thing! Some hypothetical person that never existed doesn't exist? That's not a bad thing either. I'm very resistant to neo-malthusian anti-natalist propaganda about population control, but I'm wary of pro-natalists leaning into replacement theory as well. I don't think there's a moral imperative to reproduce, nor to not reproduce.

So if you are a pro-natalist, I can't say I agree with you, I'm sort of just apathetic toward your viewpoint. You're correct that what really makes me upset is trying to equate it with being against abortion. I think it's very unhelpful to the anti-abortion cause to do that. Because weirdly enough... anyone can be against abortion, even an anti-natalist, just as long as they recognize that abortion is violence and you can't prevent existence via abortion. So, let's not make the movement exclusive to those who want more babies in the world. I don't want to make more babies... I also don't want to prevent more babies from being made... I just don't want to kill the babies that already exist, yea?

[secularprolifeconspectus]

hey, I hope this doesn't offend anyone

I still consider myself pro life but lately it has been hard for me to connect to the movement, especially since a lot of people seem to support Trump or politics more than pro life issues

Also, I'm frustrated that some people follow the stereotype of not caring for/not having as much passion for people after birth.

Additionally, I have been getting pressure to have children because of "family" values and traditionalism. I admit this gives me resentment with pregnancy at the moment.

I really don't want to have the frustration turn me into someone who thinks murder is okay or listen to people who say it is. I know there are different kinds of pro lifers,people who are more progressive and actually care about lives, but I rarely see them where I am. It feels isolating.

I love your blog and your knowledge, I wish I knew people like you irl

I'm going to answer the last part first. If you want to know more people like me IRL, just send me a non-anon ask and I'll set up a DM where we can talk about that, because I know more progressive pro-lifers all across the country.

And I feel you on struggling to connect. At this very moment, I think I'm having a reckoning with how I participate in the movement do to its incompatibility with my values and strategy. I don't think I'll leave the movement totally, and I certainly won't stop being pro-life, but I need to rethink what I'm willing to give of myself.

Unfortunately, a lot of the stereotypes are true *for a lot of people*, but not all of them, and imo, not even most of them. But, a damn lot.

UGH, FUCK THE PRO-NATALISTS. This movement is about NOT KILLING babies who already exist, not bringing more into existence!! Goddamn. Like, I see the connection – babies, ok? But it's NOT THE SAME DAMN THING.

So good, stick to your convictions, and fuck everyone else. Sorry for all the curse words. I'm just a fucking leftist who feels strongly about this.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

I hope it's ok to ask for help here, I'm not secular but I don't know where to look for someone who would understand. I'm pro-life and in what people would consider good circumstances (married, financially well off) so I always thought I'd welcome a child even if it was tough. But I'm now unexpectedly pregnant, and nothing has prepared me for how badly I viscerally do not want this on any level. I know people will dismiss it as just hormones or first-timer anxiety, but I have never felt more clarity that something is just wrong for me even though I'm not really experiencing actual pain or worry. I can't find any resources for anyone who's feeling the way I do–everything that doesn't promote abortion is assuming that the woman feels excited despite any nervousness or that she feels bogged down by guilt because she feels 80% loving instead of 100%. It makes me feel intensely bitter hearing people wax poetic about how beautiful pregnancy is. I've been wishing every day for a miscarriage to happen and feel zero guilt or sentimentality about it, just despair that it might not happen. The idea of not miscarrying is making me lose interest in being alive and I don't have anyone to talk to about it since I don't have any friends who've dealt with pregnancy and don't know anyone who I can trust to not stigmatize me for feeling this way nor try to pressure me into abortion. I already deal with a lot of stigma because I am disabled. Since I'm married, affluent, and already opposed to abortion, I don't know if any resource centers care about how I feel, everywhere I've looked just focuses on talking the woman down from abortion or giving supplies, usually with a hefty dose of the waxing poetic that makes me feel furious. But I know that I'm going to do something rash if nobody starts to care or understand anytime soon. I apologize for how heavy this ask is but is there anywhere someone like me can go? Thank you for listening.

Hi anon 💙

First off, I'm glad you reached out for help. This blog is secular but I am Catholic, so I can talk to you from a religious perspective as well if that helps. If you send me a non-anon ask, I can set up a DM where we can continue this conversation privately and more in depth. And I feel this topic is important – I had a pregnancy scare early last year, and I also remember thinking, "I hope I miscarry". I think this is normal. I don't think you're wrong for feeling this way. Let's not judge your clarity; let's get curious about it.

I can only speculate, but it's possible that your body already knows that something is wrong with the pregnancy. I'd get a health check ASAP. I'd also try talking to a midwife, such as Lisa Marie Oxenham, about your feelings. She has explained to me before that intuition is heightened during pregnancy, and maybe she can help you interpret what in your life is causing your body to send you these signals. The problem might not be medical – you might be sensing something wrong in your relationships or lifestyle that feels incompatible with a healthy pregnancy or raising a child. You need someone compassionate, intuitive, and very experienced with pregnancy to talk this out with you, and then to support you in problem-solving if an issue is detected.

If you want to talk to someone about how non-beautiful pregnancy is, I'd recommend reaching out to Monica Snyder of Secular Pro-Life or Emily Geiger of Equal Rights Institute. Monica is happy to talk about how she does not enjoy pregnancy, and Emily has been open about how she felt no connection to her baby early on. And just to be safe, a reminder that in the US you can call 988 if you have thoughts of hurting yourself.

I think it's good that despite your despair, you're still seeking to prevent harm to yourself or your child. You can protect your baby. It's okay that your desires aren't aligning with what you know to be true. I think our spontaneous thoughts and feelings aren't what define us; what defines us is what we do about them. And your choice to reach out for help despite your clarity says a lot about who you are and what you value underneath it all. We might even be able to use your rational mind to get you excited about your baby. Have you explored embryology? The carnegie stages are fascinating! You can learn all about what your baby is up to, what they look like right now, in this online resource. They look weird as hell!

Another way to get engaged is to get an ultrasound. If you think your local PRC won't help you, then you can go to an ultrasound center like this one and pay for a fancy 3D scan and more. Go see you baby's heartbeat! See them wiggle! Give them a nickname – little spud, sprout, bean, wiggle-worm, etc. Tease them, tell them they look like a little ugly alien freak. Talk to them! You don't have to feel connected to your baby to start building a connection with them anyhow. Often, feelings follow actions, not the other way around. Make the ultrasound appointment. Be furious about it. Do it anyhow. Meet your baby out of sheer spite, not because you want to. Lean into the despise for this whole situation and experience. And then... detach from it, and just observe it. See if it changes.

I'm sorry for the stigma you face as a disabled person. I struggle with it, too. But the truth is, we deserve to continue on through our children. I don't always feel that way, but I believe it regardless. Like I said, our feelings don't have to match what we know or how we act.

And speaking as a religious person, and I know this is annoying, cliche advice – but, pray about it. And again, lean into what you're feeling. Rage at God (it's okay, I promise he can handle it.) Tell Him exactly how you're feeling. Cry if you need to. Tell Him that you're despairing, that you don't want this. Ask him, how dare He do this to you?! And then... pray for the grace to endure. You can ask Him to change your feelings, but He might not... you might need them to grow, for some convoluted reason that you'll only understand when you're dead. And that's why it's so important to pray for grace and endurance. You can survive this. You can protect your baby through this. You can both make it.

And if you end up miscarrying and feel relief... I wouldn't blame you. Again, that doesn't say much about who you are or the value of your child. What matters is that you did no harm, to your child or yourself. I don't want you to suffer the moral injury of betraying your values, or physical injury done to yourself. Please reach out again if you need.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

Hello! Update:

After asking external sources for review, I was informed that I should have mentioned a few possible mental conditions for which you might seek professional treatment:

• antenatal depression

• perinatal OCD

• pregnancy-triggered suicidality

Again, if you send me a non-anon ask, I can DM you and we can work together to find a professional to help you.

I was also reminded that you ought to talk to your partner about how you're feeling if you haven't already. I'm here for you!