I hope it's ok to ask for help here, I'm not secular but I don't know where to look for someone who would understand. I'm pro-life and in what people would consider good circumstances (married, financially well off) so I always thought I'd welcome a child even if it was tough. But I'm now unexpectedly pregnant, and nothing has prepared me for how badly I viscerally do not want this on any level. I know people will dismiss it as just hormones or first-timer anxiety, but I have never felt more clarity that something is just wrong for me even though I'm not really experiencing actual pain or worry. I can't find any resources for anyone who's feeling the way I do–everything that doesn't promote abortion is assuming that the woman feels excited despite any nervousness or that she feels bogged down by guilt because she feels 80% loving instead of 100%. It makes me feel intensely bitter hearing people wax poetic about how beautiful pregnancy is. I've been wishing every day for a miscarriage to happen and feel zero guilt or sentimentality about it, just despair that it might not happen. The idea of not miscarrying is making me lose interest in being alive and I don't have anyone to talk to about it since I don't have any friends who've dealt with pregnancy and don't know anyone who I can trust to not stigmatize me for feeling this way nor try to pressure me into abortion. I already deal with a lot of stigma because I am disabled. Since I'm married, affluent, and already opposed to abortion, I don't know if any resource centers care about how I feel, everywhere I've looked just focuses on talking the woman down from abortion or giving supplies, usually with a hefty dose of the waxing poetic that makes me feel furious. But I know that I'm going to do something rash if nobody starts to care or understand anytime soon. I apologize for how heavy this ask is but is there anywhere someone like me can go? Thank you for listening.
First off, I'm glad you reached out for help. This blog is secular but I am Catholic, so I can talk to you from a religious perspective as well if that helps. If you send me a non-anon ask, I can set up a DM where we can continue this conversation privately and more in depth. And I feel this topic is important – I had a pregnancy scare early last year, and I also remember thinking, "I hope I miscarry". I think this is normal. I don't think you're wrong for feeling this way. Let's not judge your clarity; let's get curious about it.
I can only speculate, but it's possible that your body already knows that something is wrong with the pregnancy. I'd get a health check ASAP. I'd also try talking to a midwife, such as Lisa Marie Oxenham, about your feelings. She has explained to me before that intuition is heightened during pregnancy, and maybe she can help you interpret what in your life is causing your body to send you these signals. The problem might not be medical – you might be sensing something wrong in your relationships or lifestyle that feels incompatible with a healthy pregnancy or raising a child. You need someone compassionate, intuitive, and very experienced with pregnancy to talk this out with you, and then to support you in problem-solving if an issue is detected.
If you want to talk to someone about how non-beautiful pregnancy is, I'd recommend reaching out to Monica Snyder of Secular Pro-Life or Emily Geiger of Equal Rights Institute. Monica is happy to talk about how she does not enjoy pregnancy, and Emily has been open about how she felt no connection to her baby early on. And just to be safe, a reminder that in the US you can call 988 if you have thoughts of hurting yourself.
I think it's good that despite your despair, you're still seeking to prevent harm to yourself or your child. You can protect your baby. It's okay that your desires aren't aligning with what you know to be true. I think our spontaneous thoughts and feelings aren't what define us; what defines us is what we do about them. And your choice to reach out for help despite your clarity says a lot about who you are and what you value underneath it all. We might even be able to use your rational mind to get you excited about your baby. Have you explored embryology? The carnegie stages are fascinating! You can learn all about what your baby is up to, what they look like right now, in this online resource. They look weird as hell!
Another way to get engaged is to get an ultrasound. If you think your local PRC won't help you, then you can go to an ultrasound center like this one and pay for a fancy 3D scan and more. Go see you baby's heartbeat! See them wiggle! Give them a nickname – little spud, sprout, bean, wiggle-worm, etc. Tease them, tell them they look like a little ugly alien freak. Talk to them! You don't have to feel connected to your baby to start building a connection with them anyhow. Often, feelings follow actions, not the other way around. Make the ultrasound appointment. Be furious about it. Do it anyhow. Meet your baby out of sheer spite, not because you want to. Lean into the despise for this whole situation and experience. And then... detach from it, and just observe it. See if it changes.
I'm sorry for the stigma you face as a disabled person. I struggle with it, too. But the truth is, we deserve to continue on through our children. I don't always feel that way, but I believe it regardless. Like I said, our feelings don't have to match what we know or how we act.
And speaking as a religious person, and I know this is annoying, cliche advice – but, pray about it. And again, lean into what you're feeling. Rage at God (it's okay, I promise he can handle it.) Tell Him exactly how you're feeling. Cry if you need to. Tell Him that you're despairing, that you don't want this. Ask him, how dare He do this to you?! And then... pray for the grace to endure. You can ask Him to change your feelings, but He might not... you might need them to grow, for some convoluted reason that you'll only understand when you're dead. And that's why it's so important to pray for grace and endurance. You can survive this. You can protect your baby through this. You can both make it.
And if you end up miscarrying and feel relief... I wouldn't blame you. Again, that doesn't say much about who you are or the value of your child. What matters is that you did no harm, to your child or yourself. I don't want you to suffer the moral injury of betraying your values, or physical injury done to yourself. Please reach out again if you need.