"Listen, Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge." (Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 1:7a)
We have always heard it: The Lord, our God, is our strength and our refuge. He is above everything else. While many confess this with their lips, how many actually believe and obey this with their heart? While, I cannot bring revelation or life to a person (only the Lord can do that), I can give my testimony and reveal how He has literally renewed my heart and my life.
Just months ago, prior to graduation, I was completely self-centered, self-seeking, arrogant, prideful, and absolutely miserable. I was focused on my goals and my plans for my future--really pathetic. I knew, for sure, a couple of things: I would race my first half-marathon, be in Colorado, pursue my Master's, and succeed in everything I did because I was strong-willed and overly driven. Can you say: "#lolz joke's on you"? In April, I was running nearly 80mpw (despite a pain I had, had in my hip/glute for nearly 7 months), taking the 15 most intense hours of classes in my major, working 2 jobs, about to graduate, trying to maintain my sanity. Finally, early April, I got an MRI of my hip, because no one could figure out what the pain was. During that week, I continued to run, train, and work like normal despite a slight twinge I felt in my left lower leg. Saturday's long run came around, and I decided to run with a half-marathon on the streets of Springfield in some Saucony Kinvara's (for real though)...about 7 miles into my run the pain had gotten so bad in my leg that I had to stop; I could have sworn a person was beating it with a baseball bat. The rest of the day I couldn't walk, and that night I just wanted the pain to go away so I went out with some friends and after one-too-many Strawberitas, the--probably 20--Strawberitas ended up all over myself and my dear friend's car. I was a wreck. But, the good news (of the flesh) was: I had only a month till graduation, then I'd be living out my dreams in Colorado. However, the good news (in truth) was: I have a good Father and Redeemer, who saw my pain and saw my weakness and foreknew that moment so that He could perfect His power through me--and that was the night benchmarking my journey to Him, although I didn't know it at the time.
That Monday, I went back to the Doctor to discuss my MRI results--I couldn't walk. Basically, he told me: it was a lose-lose situation. I has, had so much inflammation in my hips that, had I continued running, I would have had a fracture--oh, and I now had a stress fracture in my fibula so that meant a boot for 4-8 weeks and no running or weight bearing activity at all. My thoughts were: fine, I'll cross train--I'm exhausted anyway and can use the break. I would do on average 2-3 hours a day on the bike. After all, I was determined (what for, I have no idea...I guess to be the best).
I had 4 weeks left in Missouri, and I was already checked out. I was empty there.
I graduated on a Friday in May; I packed on Saturday; I left on Sunday...and didn't look back.
I arrived in Colorado on Monday. I was staying with my lovely boss, Nancy, and was so excited to see my second families out there! I was so happy to be around people I loved and in an area I loved. But, as the next 6 weeks passed, I was still empty and it still hurt to run even though I continued physical therapy and was progressing slowly--I wasn't healed.
One day, in the beginning of July, I was taking a nap, when suddenly I woke up consumed with the most sobering and terrifying feeling I have ever felt in my life, and it was: "You have ONLY ONE life... It could end at any moment. What are you doing with yourself?" I was not dreaming any dreams relevant, nor had I thought I about it beforehand. It was just...there..engraved in my heart and in my mind. I started to think, "What am I doing? Am I truly living and loving my life?"
The answer was clear: "No."
Then what do I do? That answer--also clear: "Go back."
I thought, "No, I can't go back. I don't give up or give in. I have to win."
A few days later, I finished up, what was supposed to be, a short and easy run. I was in as much pain as I had been in in April, but now it was in my hip and my hip flexor. What was wrong with me! I was fed up to the point of tears. Out loud (literally), I said, "I'm done God. I give up, and am giving it over to You. I can't do this any more." Right then and there I made a decision: I was done running/cross training/everything until I felt I could with thanks.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I just wanted to go home. I couldn't do it--financially, emotionally, physically, mentally--I was empty. So, I did what nearly any daughter would do: call their mom. I wept; I cried; I bawled--all in the middle of a Panera parking lot (good thing it was raining); I had spent all of me, and had nothing left to give out here and I didn't know what to do--so I snuck it in, weary about her response: "Should I just come back to Missouri to focus on my Master's and save up some money?" And praise Jesus for her response: "I think you should!"
So I went into Panera, sat down, and opened the journal my Aunt Glen had gotten me for graduation--"God Calling." I opened to July 13th and there I read: "Can you get the expectant attitude of faith? Not waiting for the next evil to befall you but awaiting with a child's joyful trust the next good in store?" Immediately, I became flooded with hope and saw His promise for me.
So I wrote--I cried out: "God, I couldn't think of a better passage than this; it's amazing how You work. And I'm ready for You to show me where You need me. Too long, has running been my idol. You are the ultimate goal--help me to realize my potential within You."
"Cry out loudly, don’t hold back!...
They seek Me day after day
and delight to know My ways,
like a nation that does what is right
and does not abandon the justice of their God.
They ask Me for righteous judgments;
they delight in the nearness of God.” (Isaiah 58:1a, 2)
I knew what I had to do; my mom had reaffirmed it, and the Lord had just confirmed it. I had decided. That day, I turned down my position with the RMAC. I would return home to do: Lord knows what, but I knew what my heart desired--and that was more of Him.
Later that week, a dear friend of mine that I had grown up with texted me, letting me know that she was in Pagosa Springs, Colo. planting a church and wanted to come see me for a few days. Oh, was I excited! I hadn't seen her in two years! Three days of Jess and Moni time--it would be like we were nine all over again--what 22-year-old doesn't want that?!
She got there July 21. I told her immediately I had turned my job down and would be heading home in the next couple of weeks. She was shocked. But I knew she would understand, so I told her why: I needed to focus on my relationship with God--I would save and pursue my Master's even though I was questioning that as well. She responded, "You know, you don't have to do your Master's at all - you shouldn't feel the need to always be striving to achieve something great. Our country has a skewed view that you always have to be achieving something or working toward something."
Suddenly, it dawned on me: "I don't have to. I am putting the burdens on my own shoulders always doing and never resting. But, immediately I also thought "What would I do then? What would I amount to? What would I stand for? Who would I be?--What would my mom have to say about that?!"
Over the next day, I noticed Jessica's demeanor--her relationship...not with people, but with Jesus! I remember getting ice cream that night and asking her if she wanted to rent a Red Box, or what she wanted to do; she said: "I'd rather just spend some time with you, and then I'd like to spend some time with Jesus, too, later on." For some reason that bewildered me.
The next morning, she got up and spent some more time with Jesus--I thought, "Why is she spending more time with Jesus than with me?"
“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vineyard keeper. Every branch in Me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me." (John 15:1-4)
That morning we left and went to visit the World Prayer Center and the Jericho Center--neither of which I had ever heard or been to while in the Springs before Jess arrived. We went into the Jericho center and each got a private prayer room (named after the 12 tribes of Israel). It was...awe-some. I prayed, worshiped and read the Word. My heart felt so alive.
Afterward, we went to Manitou Springs to hike the Incline. I remember as we walked Jessica said, "I need more of you in my life, Moni! I prophesy that you'll move up to Kansas City and live with me at some point--just kidding! That wasn't from the Holy Spirit, but I seriously want you to."
Jessica would be leaving the next day and I decided so would I--nothing was holding me back. I felt a push in my heart to go--I needed to confirm my "yes."
But let your word ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’ Anything more than this is from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37)
So I left...I was headed home--the driven girl, determined to win at everything, gave up what she thought was her dreams, surrendered to her heart and was heading home trusting that, whatever she would do, she would be okay.
Once I got home, I prayed--all day, every day. I was so confused, so I met up with my Aunt, who loves Jesus, to talk with her. I told her where my heart was and that I had this feeling inside of me that I needed to give more of myself to Jesus--that I needed to fully surrender myself to Him; she told me: "whatever you do, don't forget this feeling you have."
After a couple of weeks, I knew what the Lord wanted me to do regarding grad school: withdraw. So, I did. I needed to press into Him, focus on Him--and only Him. No distractions. I began to turn my phone off more often, to purposefully connect with Him and who I am in Him rather than in the world.
"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to murmur, and the waves of the sea were hushed. They rejoiced when the waves grew quiet. Then He guided them to the harbor they longed for. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His faithful love and His wonderful works for all of humanity." (Psalm 107:28-31)
So, I started to apply for jobs. No clue what or where--I just knew I needed something completely different from what I had been doing--I needed a break--something not-so "life-consuming." (Thank You, Jesus!)
Near the beginning of August, Jessica had gotten in touch with me again--she was heading home from Pagosa and wanted to get together in Branson--at this point, I still hadn't figured anything out for a job. We met up, got breakfast, talked, laughed...and she told me she had a room open in her house in Kansas City. She encouraged me to come check it out, apply for jobs, and come be a part of the IHOP (International House of Prayer) community, where she went to school--and where I'd be able to surround myself with people absolutely on fire for the Lord.
We prayed about it, and asked Jesus to open doors--to straighten and make known the path for me to take--to the place where I would be able to encounter Him most.
I applied for two jobs in Kansas City over the next couple of days--by the third day, both had called me back (and were the only ones to call me back) wanting an interview. So that day I left for Kansas City to my first interview--I got the job. That night I stayed the night at the house with Jess; we went to the Prayer Room, then to service. I walked into FCF, and immediately realized how different this place was from any other church I had ever been to--everyone was so intimately in love with--and on fire for Jesus and it moved my heart. After about 90 minutes of worship, they asked everyone who was hurting or in pain to raise their hands so that they could receive prayer. I humbly raised my hand and a girl came up to me; she asked me what was wrong and I told her about my hip and the pain I had, had for more than 10 months. Over the next five-10 minutes she prayed for it to heal--she cried out to Jesus for every bone, tendon and ligament to be made new. Once she finished, she asked how it felt--I wasn't really sure. The next day, I had my second interview...and a follow up interview.
A couple of days later, I got the call back--I got the job. My decision was made: clearly, I'd be living in Kansas City--now I just had to choose which job I would take. I went for a short and actually comfortable run and prayed for direction. I finished up my run, picked up my phone and had my answer: I'd be the Nike Brand Coordinator at Dick's Sporting Goods in Leawood. When I had looked at my phone, I had received about five or six texts from different individuals dear to my heart confirming to me my decision.
I moved up to Kansas City that week. I felt so blessed--so thankful. One morning that week, I had just started a run when it hit me: my hip didn't hurt--there was absolutely no restriction, pain or tightness anymore. It was gone. Literally, Jesus had healed me. Over the year, I had been to the PT every week at least once, and sometimes up to three times. None of them could pinpoint what exactly it was, what exactly could have caused it, or how exactly to fix it. And after one prayer, it was healed. Thank You, Jesus! I was in awe and my heart was absolutely overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness.
"I assure you: The one who believes in Me will do the works that I do. And he will do even greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in My name, I will do it so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." (John 14:12-14)
Since moving up here, I have dug deeper, to encountered His love more than ever and am renewed in love and in spirit daily by His faithful love. The Lord has broken chains and removed yokes from my shoulders that I could never do alone. He has saved me, freed me, and turned my spirit from death to life. And I cannot wait to love Him, to praise Him, and to remain in Him every day of this beautiful life given to me by His grace alone.
"Therefore, I am going to persuade her,
lead her to the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her vineyards back to her
and make the Valley of Achor
into a gateway of hope.
There she will respond as she did
in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came out of the land of Egypt.
In that day—
this is the Lord’s declaration—
you will call Me, “My husband,”
and no longer call Me, “My Baal.”
For I will remove the names of the Baals
from her mouth;
they will no longer be remembered by their names.
On that day I will make a covenant for them
with the wild animals, the birds of the sky,
and the creatures that crawl on the ground.
I will shatter bow, sword,
and weapons of war in the land
and will enable the people to rest securely.
I will take you to be My wife forever.
I will take you to be My wife in righteousness,
justice, love, and compassion.
I will take you to be My wife in faithfulness,
and you will know Yahweh.
On that day I will respond—
this is the Lord’s declaration.
I will respond to the sky,
and it will respond to the earth.
The earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine, and the oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel.
I will sow her in the land for Myself,
and I will have compassion
on No Compassion;
I will say to Not My People:
You are My people,
and he will say, 'You are My God.'" (Hosea 2:14-23)
***End note: In April, a 5 mile run hurt; last week, I ran 18 miles pain-free--the longest I have EVER run. Glory to God.
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