New Zealand Surreal Horror.
- “The longest drink in town”, the cup proclaims. “The longest drink in town”, the cup declares, towering into the sky. “The longest drink in town” bellows the cup from the stratosphere.
- As you walk into the dairy, you give the busker outside the entrance a generous berth. You’re hungry, so you move to the pie warmer to get something for lunch, attempting to block out the violin rendition of some pop song. In the reflection of the glass, you see a tourist outside stoop to place a coin inside the busker’s hat. You avert your gaze quickly. You already know what happens next, and do not wish to bear witness.
- “Drink V”, the advertisements tell you, “Drink V and live forever! Drink V and be happy! Drink V and forget!”
- The internet here is slow. The internet is excruciatingly slow. What day is it? It was Wednesday when you started downloading that movie. You look outside your window. Ah, yes, it’s the end of time. That download is going faster than you expected.
- There is something in the woods. You have seen it, you are certain. It is only when you are waist deep in silver ferns that you realize that the forest IS that something.
-Do you remember when Thingee’s eye fell out? Do you remember when Jason Gunn pulled his own eye out and replaced the puppets missing eye? Do you remember seeing, for just a second, the strings attached to Jason Gunn? Which one of them was the puppet again? It was so long ago, I’ve forgotten.
- Roughly 75% of the population live above Lake Taupo. High above the ancient volcano, the forgotten New Zealanders wait in their cloud fortresses. They wish to reclaim the land that belongs to them, the land of the long white cloud. We will not be ready for their assault.
- Do you hear the morepork? Can you hear its call through the otherwise silent night? You had better go satisfy its hunger for swine flesh, before it decides you a more suitable feast.
- The animated character concludes his lecture on fire safety. “Come on, keep it green! For we all know that green flames are most suitable for the ritual, and produce the most reward from the sacrifice.”
- Someone asks if you are an Australian. You laugh, and tell them “No, but that’s a common mistake! See, an Australian will wait for your back to be turned before sinking the knife in.” Your grin is showing too many teeth.
- Your American friend jests about you being from the future. You don’t have the heart to tell them about the horrific sequence of events that will unfold over the next six months. Warning them would just make it worse.
- You write a post on local surreal horror. Every tag is comparing it to Night Vale. Is it Night Vale? Have you been there this entire time and did not notice? No, you finally decide, as you see a group of scarfies looking for their next victim, you are still in Dunedin.
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