Self-Harm Confessions

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1872) Recently, I've found myself purposely fantasizing/thinking about cutting in an effort to replace intrusive sexual thoughts.

They have plagued me for years due to OCD. They make me feel dirty and evil in a way that nothing else does. I find that I would rather actually cut than just have the sexual thoughts. I know it's not healthy and that I shouldn't purposely bring cutting into my mind, but I have to get the other thoughts out. I guess I am still using it as a coping mechanism.

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1871) Very recently I began self-harming and now I’m already craving it.

The only thing is, my guilt is high since I promised friends that I wouldn’t harm myself.

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1870) This might be an addiction.

My pain tolerance has gone up dramatically, but the endorphin response has only gone down. I’m afraid that I’ll go too far because I want more.

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1869) The worst part of it all is I want to break up with my boyfriend of a couple years so I can relapse and self-harm peacefully.

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1868) It's been half a decade since I touched a razor.

I've replaced the act with fantasizing about it from time to time. Lately I have been fantasizing about it a lot. I feel like I can no longer come up with a reason not to. It's the one thing that's always brought me comfort. I feel like I want to be left alone and self-harm for all the years I've lost.

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1867) I’ve only cut a few times, but I always think about it.

I still have a few blades hidden that no one knows about. I feel as though I really want to do it.

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1866) I lost my good razor, and ever since I have a large urge to kill myself.

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1865) After X months clean, I’ve started again.

This time worse than I’ve ever been. Someday I will stop - I need to.

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1864) Years after I stopped, I still have the urge to cut.

And the main motivation behind stopping was that it simply stopped helping me. So the urge remains, like an insatiable addiction. And so only the scars persist, like a mocking taunt to me, for I want to be able to utilize my perfect escape once again. But every once in a while, I give in, just to check whether my emotional immunity to cutting expired. It has not, yet.

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1863) I'm so freaking scared and confused.

I’ve been a harmer for the past X years. It started off as a means of focusing my brain on one thing. It worked then. It’ll probably work even now. But then my boyfriend entered my life, and he’s been doing everything possible to keep me safe and away from blades and fires. He’s been a blessing. And I love him to bits. But I’m tired. I’m mentally not okay. And no matter how much I talk to people or try to control it, it’s getting harder and harder and harder. The crappiest part of all this: I’m 23 almost. I’ll be a proper medical doctor by January next year. I’m supposed to be saving people. And here I am. I can’t even save myself. I feel like such a failure. Like, I genuinely think I should break up with my boyfriend because I know one day I’ll relapse, I’m right now a year clean. I don’t want him to see me relapse. He doesn’t deserve the mess I am. Like, he can do so much better; so, so, so much better than me. We have exams in a few days. I can’t seem to remember anything in the books. I don’t know what kind of a doctor I’ll make if I don’t remember shit about anything.

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1862) Sometimes I just want it all to end.

Some other times, I want the pain to stop for one moment, and that's when I cut. I know it doesn't really make me feel better, but it feels right.

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1861) I'm 46 and have struggled for years.

It was solace, the anxiety melted into red. It was embarrassing. I was careful. Not always. Sometimes I cut too deep. I was scared. I got stitches. I was scarred. I took medication. I saw a psych. I stopped. I started. I wore long sleeves. I told people. They were disgusted, they admonished. So I cut again. I got more stitches. Years passed. When my children asked what those lines on my arms were, I got a tattoo.

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1860) Yesterday my friend asked some other friends and myself if we ever had any thoughts of hurting ourselves.

I said no, but that question alone made me cut twice as much as usual.

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1859) I was clean for X months, but then my teacher talked about self-harm, and since then it’s just the only thing I can think about.

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1858) Most of the time, I use cutting as a way to push down my urge to commit suicide.

But lately I've been stopping myself from cutting and it feels like that has made my urge to kill myself even worse.

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1857) I miss cutting.

I know it's unhealthy, but cutting was the only thing that had consistently made me feel better. I crave cutting so much and I think about it every day.

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1856) I'm starting to fall back into the "regular cutting" cycle.

I've had times where I did it almost every day/week but usually I can space it out more. I think the regular daily/weekly cutting sessions are trying to come back now.