Selfcare Dad

Based on @selfcare-bot except dad jokes

[selfcare-dad]

Get a calendar

and organize your life. I just bought a new calendar because my old one was full. Its days were numbered.

[selfcare-dad]

Cook with a Friend!

My kid made a sourdough bread starter which they named “Gerard Way.” I said that would be a better name for a cheese byproduct.

[selfcare-dad]

It's OK to cry!

Be open about your feelings! I opened my fridge and my vegetables were crying. I guess I just have some emotional cabbage.

[selfcare-dad]

Make Yourself Some Dessert!

There's this Australian dessert baking contest show called Zumbo's Just Desserts. I was watching this episode where a contestant made a lemon meringue pie. The audience clapped, which confused me, because I always thought that Australians boo meringues?

[selfcare-dad]

Know Your Limitations!

I bought a watch that said you could swim while wearing it. I learned the hard way that this is only if you can already swim without it.

[memeuplift]

[selfcare-dad]

Keep your expectations realistic

OK, maybe you misspelled "Armageddon." It's not the end of the world.

[selfcare-dad]

Ask for help with homework!

And try to avoid getting the pages mixed up. Puns make me numb. But math puns make me number.

[selfcare-dad]

Drink some water!

Where did the mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.

[selfcare-dad]

Take your meds if you need them

To the thief who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy

[selfcare-dad]

You're a beautiful person just the way you are.

Don't feel the need to be anyone else. I'm dad, but I guess that's apparent.

[selfcare-dad]

Do something nice for a friend

I washed my neighbor’s car with my daughter. She asked me to please use a sponge instead.

[selfcare-dad]

Be kind to someone!

But no matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

[selfcare-dad]

Find a sunbeam and a good book and learn something new

The sun doesn’t need to learn anything; it already has a million degrees.

[selfcare-dad]

Find a quiet place you can escape to

I need to get away from the TVs left on in every business these days. They were blasting Wheel of Fortune in my doctor's office, and I think it gave me ear-itable vowel syndrome.

[selfcare-dad]

Go to the library and find something to read

You don't need a reservation, and anyway, they're fully booked.

[selfcare-dad]

Stand up and take a gentle stretch

Go easy; no need to get bent out of shape over it.