The Intelligence of Ignorance
“Sokhana,” she groaned, rubbing a finger along the snout between her eyes. The female senaalian turned, at the same time twitching her antennae in such a way as to express disproval. “That is literally the dumbest idea I have ever heard.”
Solaan twitched perkily alongside his sister. The two of them stood alone in the small room together, with the windows shut and barred, and the door itself barricaded by a chair, such that no one on Senaalisa would be able to walk into their conversation and overhear the information.
Ledaka watched her brother closely as he maintained an utterly logic-defying chipper disposition. The words that tumbled out of his mouth were almost incoherent, but the excited and energetic tone was inescapable.
“Oh, that’s the entire point! I mean, the entire point is to be dumb. But it’s not dumb. It’s not dumb at all. Grandiose. Plan is grandiose. It’s completely smart. The entire point is I’m doing something that is very smart but it’s something you think is dumb so that’s the entire point. And don’t forget, the name’s Solaan, it’s Solaan, you know that, I’ve told you, don’t let our ancestors get angered at us. We’re still siblings, of course we are, but you know the soul of Solaan is in me now, so you better be calling me Solaan instead of Sokhana, right?”
Ledaka huffed and stepped away, turning away from her biological brother and staring at an empty wall. She frowned for a moment, took a second to lick one of her eyeballs, and then turned around. Her glare at Solaan was impeccably stern.
“My point still stands, though. You’re seriously just going to run off on fool’s errands and ditch the entire senaalian race?”
“No! No. No no no no no no no! Not at all! Not at all! Preposterous idea, completely against what I am hoping to accomplish. I might be leaving the planet, but my future heroicism across the stars will return to your people and brand you with a new form of awe, excitement, and happiness! The senaalians will all look up to me with glee because I am a hero, and -”
Ledaka cut her brother off, entirely unamused.
“Quit the shit with me, Sokha- Solaan. Quit it. You’re talking to me, the one person alive who knows your stupid charade. Drop it.”
Conflicted features ran across Solaan’s face: hurt, concern, and above it all, a defiant glibness.
“Oh come on sis! I’m not close with like all of my siblings except you and stuff, I mean you’re the only one I’m close to from my siblings, so that means you should totally know that this is entirely me!”
“Sort of you,” she amended. She sighed. Pacing around her brother, she began peeling away his layers, bit by bit, in an utterly scathing tone of voice.
“Being happy, cheerful, I know it’s the way you ‘deal’ with all the dry spells and tormenting heat in your life. If you pretend to be naive long enough, maybe that’ll mean emotionally on the inside you’ll be experiencing the bliss of ignorance. If you act happy all the time, then that means you never have to deal with the issues eating the inside of your soul. By being so cheerful, you guarantee that you can keep on pushing away the things that you never want to be serious enough to confront.”
A happy voice confronted her. “Ledaka, what do you -”
“QUIET!” she hissed. She waved a hand angrily in his direction. Then she continued.
“You actually seem to believe you’re that happy. And I think you are happy and as perky as you act. That’s how much you’re steeped in your own lies. Your own intentional lies. If people lie to themselves long enough, they do start to believe and live it. That’s what you’ve intentionally done to yourself - cocoon yourself away from all your problems, all your stresses, all your grievances, all your pain. You actually do believe you have no problems and stresses and grievances and pain because you don’t ever take the time to self-reflect.”
“I know who I am, Ledaka!” Solaan managed to insert that comment into the center of her tirade. His voice was shaking a little bit, but he still managed to sound fairly juvenile and innocent. “I know who I am, I definitely do, and I know who I’m going to become! I’m going to be a -”
“A roving space hero, I know,” she said dryly. “Look, brother,” she said, leaning toward him. Their eyes were almost touching, she leaned in so close. “You need to reflect internally. All you do is run away. Run away emotionally. And now, you’re going to be running away physically. Run away, run away, run away! For all you can be analytical and level-headed with your precious scientific data, you are absolutely incapable of seeing what’s inside your own soul! Absolutely obtuse. Shallow! You’re never going to confront your issues, and so you’re never going to grow.”
“I’ll have a new life!” Solaan protested. “I’ll be going out into space, doing something new and exciting! I’ll save people! I’ll be growing TONS! I’ll grow more than anyone’s ever grown in all of senaalian history and maybe histories of other peoples as well!”
“You’re going to be a buffoon.”
For once, silence descended in Ledaka’s household.
Solaan’s eyes stared down at the floor. His feet shuffled. His antennae twitched. And then he said, slowly, quietly, with none of the chipper eagerness of before:
His sister recognized the change in vocal tone immediately. She sighed, but this time, not in exasperation. It was relief.
“There you are,” she said. “There’s my brother. Not the twitchy idiot who acts like a child - a child who never could have been a commendable researcher for the senaalian government. Here’s the real deal: the cogent adult who rationally led a team across Senaalisa’s greatest scientific frontiers.”
He stared her in the eye. His gaze was piercing, keen, almost as intense as hers was. But the edge was lost somewhat from the sadness that leaked behind.
“I don’t need to be that person,” he said.
“So you’re going to be a blathering dimwit for the rest of your days?”
“I refuse to be that person,” he enunciated, still continuing on his train of thought, and completely ignoring his sibling’s latest interjection. “I hate that person. You were the only one who liked the level-headed me anyway. Only came out when it had to. Just enough to place me in control for scientific endeavors and to be respected by my peers.”
“The level-headed you is what made you an extraordinary asset to Senaalisa’s scientific community.”
“The level-headed not-me is what killed...”
He stopped his sentence. Never finished.
“You know I can’t stay here,” he said, backing up. He was moving toward the barricaded door and pushing away the chair that was blocking his exit. “I cannot live with the press, the interviews, the questions, the concerns of why I was the only survivor on the mission. I cannot live continuing a life that destroyed what I cared about the most. I cannot live in any way here on the planet so long as people know who I am and what I’ve done. There’s no way to escape it on Senaalisa. The best way to get over this is to disappear by completely changing my image and heading off to the far reaches of the galaxy. No one will find me out there, not any of you.
“And you know...” he gave a wry smirk “...I was always bored with offices and paperwork.”
Solaan gestured widely, almost grandly. “Think about it this way, Tsela Ledaka. It’s a new challenge for me. A new field of exploration. A way for me to keep exploring where I’ve always wanted to go.”
“It’s self-denial and avoiding your shit,” she said flatly. But then, with a shrug-like twitch of her antennae, she continued, “but I realize I’m not going to change your mind. You can’t self-reflect. You can’t, even when you try. Not in your charaded personality, and not in your real personality, either. Nothing I say will make you think through your issues. Nothing I say will keep you from running away forever and pretending you never were who you actually are. So I guess all I can do...” and her face finally softened “...is wish you the best.”
“I’ll miss you,” he said.
She turned away, but there was distress on her face. It was clear Ledaka did not want Solaan to see her this upset.
“I’ll miss you, too,” she said.
When she turned around, he was gone.