Doc said I should journal my feelings. Put them somewhere other than my own head. Not used to that.
I feel like I’ve brought shame on the security department. Losing a limb... feels shameful. Maybe Kruxaruk was right when it said I don’t take proper care of myself. For most of my life, I’ve worn my scars proudly. They were stories. Proof that I had survived something difficult. Proof that I had done my duty.
Lately, they feel different.
Every scar is still a story, but now they feel more like a tally. A record of pieces lost along the way. I look at myself and wonder how much can be replaced before there’s nothing left of the original. I wonder if I am still whole - and if I'm not, will I ever be whole again?
I’ve never lost a limb before.
I always assumed it would change me. That it would make me more cautious. More aware of my own mortality. I imagined there would be a before and an after.
Instead, I woke up, learned what happened, and started thinking about when I could get back to work.
That troubles me, because- no, not sure.
Likely... not the injury itself. The fact that it doesn’t seem to trouble me as much as I thought it should.
Back home, losing a limb was the end of a warrior's life. A crippled warrior was pitied at best and discarded at worst. Here, half the station has been burned, crushed, spaced, electrocuted, or shot at some point. They get patched up and keep moving. Some of them are more machine than flesh. Some of them are all machine.
Nobody seems particularly bothered by it.
Maybe I’m the strange one for thinking about it this much.
I keep finding myself staring at the empty sleeve at night. Not because I miss the arm. Because I feel like I should miss it more.
That feels like the sort of thought I should probably discuss with Doc.
It also feels like the sort of thought I won't. Might have been to much to share here. Shouldn't unsay, cowards backtrack.
((OOC: Art by me, ft: https://making-the-memories.tumblr.com/ in the background. Probably not the normal art I'll do for this blog, this took way to long to do more than once in a blue moon.))
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
snowghoul
andulkaphoto
