beloved Seoul @seoulfernweh - Tumblr Blog

Posts

morticiaandthediamonds-blog

date someone who loves your belly

deadjosey-deactivated20200613

niambi

I’m????

alarajrogers

Oh my God this actually explains so much.

So there’s a known thing in the study of human psychology/sociology/what-have-you where men are known to, on average, rely entirely on their female romantic partner for emotional support. Bonding with other men is done at a more superficial level involving fun group activities and conversations about general subjects but rarely involves actually leaning on other men or being really honest about emotional problems. Men use alcohol to be able to lower their inhibitions enough to expose themselves emotionally to other men, but if you can’t get emotional support unless you’re drunk, you have a problem.

So men need to have a woman in their lives to have anyone they can share their emotional needs and vulnerabilities with. However, since women are not socialized to fear sharing these things, women’s friendships with other women are heavily based on emotional support. If you can’t lean on her when you’re weak, she’s not your friend. To women, what friendship is is someone who listens to all your problems and keeps you company.

So this disconnect men are suffering from is that they think that only a person who is having sex with you will share their emotions and expect support. That’s what a romantic partner does. But women think that’s what a friend does. So women do it for their romantic partners and their friends and expect a male friend to do it for them the same as a female friend would. This fools the male friend into thinking there must be something romantic there when there is not.

This here is an example of patriarchy hurting everyone. Women have a much healthier approach to emotional support – they don’t die when widowed at nearly the rate that widowers die and they don’t suffer emotionally from divorce nearly as much even though they suffer much more financially, and this is because women don’t put all their emotional needs on one person. Women have a support network of other women. But men are trained to never share their emotions except with their wife or girlfriend, because that isn’t manly. So when she dies or leaves them, they have no one to turn to to help with the grief, causing higher rates of death, depression, alcoholism and general awfulness upon losing a romantic partner.

So men suffer terribly from being trained in this way. But women suffer in that they can’t reach out to male friends for basic friendship. I am not sure any man can comprehend how heartbreaking it is to realize that a guy you thought was your friend was really just trying to get into your pants. Friendship is real. It’s emotional, it’s important to us. We lean on our friends. Knowing that your friend was secretly seething with resentment when you were opening up to him and sharing your problems because he felt like he shouldn’t have to do that kind of emotional work for anyone not having sex with him, and he felt used by you for that reason, is horrible. And the fact that men can’t share emotional needs with other men means that lots of men who can’t get a girlfriend end up turning into horrible misogynistic people who think the world owes them the love of a woman, like it’s a commodity… because no one will die without sex. Masturbation exists. But people will die or suffer deep emotional trauma from having no one they can lean on emotionally. And men who are suffering deep emotional trauma, and have been trained to channel their personal trauma into rage because they can’t share it, become mass shooters, or rapists, or simply horrible misogynists.

The only way to fix this is to teach boys it’s okay to love your friends. It’s okay to share your needs and your problems with your friends. It’s okay to lean on your friends, to hug your friends, to be weak with your friends. Only if this is okay for boys to do with their male friends can this problem be resolved… so men, this one’s on you. Women can’t fix this for you; you don’t listen to us about matters of what it means to be a man. Fix your own shit and teach your brothers and sons and friends that this is okay, or everyone suffers.

dollbeshop

The next time a guy says, “What? You don't want to be my friend?” I’ll text him this and then ask if he really wants to be friends or just have another potential girlfriend.

sounddesignerjeans-deactivated2

y’all I am living for these analyses where the new way to fight the patriarchy is to teach men to love each other and themselves

astronomically-androngynous

Im a communication student and can confirm the above is absolutely 100% accurate and it’s called agentic vs communal friendship theorized by Steven McCornack

wordsnquotes

“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”

— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via wordsnquotes)

wnq-writers

“Don’t let this world poison you. This society that idolizes sociopaths, depression, self harm, and abusive relationships—do not buy into the hype. Empathy is not a crutch, although you may swallow that sweet lie when your bleeding heart has gotten the best of you. Do not harm your body. You only get one per lifetime and scars will always last longer than depression. Addiction takes much more than it gives, and relationships are not made to be permanent, make peace with that. Whether you’re together one month or forty years, love is an eternal feeling without an infant life source. But most importantly, the reality is you’ll be a different person ten years down the road, so why make permanent decisions for an impermanent situation? Why regret the past and waste the future? Why punish the body for the sins of the mind? Remember, you are not a slave to your emotions. Discomfort is good for you, pain brings growth, and regret teaches forgiveness. Do not forget that all life is priceless; however, the value of living is only understood in the face of death. By then it is too late. Do not wait until it is too late.”

—

feministism

twistedrunes

I remember years ago listening to a doctor speak on the radio and something stuck with me ever since. I’m paraphrasing but the gist was this:

When someone who has been sad, distant, not themselves for a while suddenly starts going out of there way to see people, often giving them gifts or possessions don’t assume they got ‘better’. This is the time to really ask them if they are okay; to reach out and not simply accept the answer of ‘fine’ or ‘great’ or ‘never better’. Because for some people the relief of having made the decision to end their life can make them happy, euphoric even.

He pointed out that often this change in the person is such a relief to their friends and family after having seeing someone they love suffer, they just don’t realise what has caused the change and frankly they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ because they are just so happy to have the person they love ‘back’. But in reality, the person they love is saying goodbye.

During the interview, he told the story of a colleague (back when he had a factory job before he became a doctor) who had been depressed for a long time. One day he came in and was really happy, people kept commenting on how good it was that he wasn’t sad and grumpy anymore. He gave people some of his things, took people to lunch. Went home and killed himself.

He explained that when the police came to talk to people, they told him it was a common story they heard “but they were so much better.”

So be there for your friends and family. Tell them what they mean to you. Let them talk to you without fear of judgement. LISTEN. Suggest people get help if you think they need it.

Finally, let me add: The world will not be better off without you in it. You matter. You will be missed. Please don’t harm, hurt or kill yourself.

explorerrowan

And I feel it worth mentioning that this phenomenon is why medication and therapy go hand-in-hand. Studies have shown that just going on medication without regular therapy actually increases suicide risk, because now a person finally has enough energy to make the decision and do it, including energy to make all the goodbyes and other arrangements they feel need to happen first. Similarly, this is why therapists get really worried if a new patient comes for a handful of sessions and then vanishes from their radar, because it is entirely possible that they got just enough help to get over the hump of inaction but not enough to make things actually better. Depression and suicidal ideation are not things that just go away like that. If you have a friend who seems suddenly “better” without extensive, long-term treatment, keep an eye on them.

And just as a reminder, if you’re out there thinking about injuring or killing yourself, please don’t. I’d personally much rather you be here tomorrow, I care about you as a human, and I know that there are other people who care about you and would like to have you around tomorrow, too. Even if tomorrow is all you can commit to today, that’s enough for today, and we can worry about the next day tomorrow. Ultimate procrastination challenge, okay? Whatever your plan is, just hold off for at least one more day.