A Series of Logical Nonsense

Home to the best of the random theories and thoughts I can't seem to stop from popping into my mind.  Warning: Many of these will probably not make any sense at all (imagine that).

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Comparing Pets

Tapastic. Twitter.

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Obviously not my work, just thought this was weird enough for this blog.

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All Bananas Are Clones!

So the other day I was reminded of the fact that real (or rather the original banana fruit) is actually full of fruit to the point where it can’t be eaten, as opposed to the regular seedless banana we see every day at the supermarket.  Think about it though!  Where do they get the new bananas if there are no seeds?  Sure, they could always get some new ones from the Banana tree, but what happens when the tree dies??  There will be no seeds to replace it!

The Theory:

I have no other choice but to assume that they are cloning the bananas they make so they can get around this dilemma.  

It’s unbelievable, really.  They have the power of cloning technologies and they waste it all on the bananas?!  There are so many other uses for it!  Like creating new organs for those who need an organ donor, saving endangered species by creating more of said creatures, or even getting me my twin!

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The Cactus Dream

I’ve been sitting on this one for a while now and I think it’s finally time to use it.  Every now and again you’ll hear the topic of someone’s weapon of choice being discussed.  Lots of people will say guns, others will say swords and other types of blades, while many will just simply use their words.  I personally would prefer to use a little experiment I’ve been working on called, The Cactus Dream.

What is the Cactus Dream you ask?  Imagine finding yourself trapped in your own house by a hopping cactus in a pot.  That cactus is dressed as a clown (wearing face paint, a red clown nose, and a colourful wig), and pounces on you with its quills!  The only way to stop it would be to throw a pie at its face.   You’d think it’d all be over after that, but then you’d have to take on each of it’s ten siblings (each getting larger and more dangerous than the last).

The real challenge I think would be figuring out how to implant the dream into the victim’s mind.  Perhaps I could use a trick or two from the movie Inception?  Something to consult the Mad Scientist about I guess.

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Twins

In truth, I’ve always imagined life as a twin.  A teammate that shares your face (or they may not), someone that shares your birthday (even if that get tiresome after a while), and someone who has a better understanding of you than most would.  I was only just thinking about this last night and (naturally) I started to wonder about possible ways to get a twin.

I suppose there are many options: traveling to an alternate universe where another version of myself is just waiting to be found, creating a clone of myself, writing a book in which I can create a twin for myself and have adventures with him/her, or even just simply hope that I bump into someone that looks similar to me and hope they are someone I could be friends with.  After much consideration, I have decided that there is only one reasonable course of action for this twin hunt of mine: travel to an alternate universe.

Here’s the Plan:

It’s simple really.  In order to even get to this alternate universe one would have to open a doorway between our two worlds.  Before I can even worry about that though I would have to get that Mad Scientist from that Beehive Zombie post to create a suit for me that will allow me to safely pass through the trippy, multi-coloured hyperspace that’s commonly found between universes.  Following the creation of said suit I would have to prepare an empty closet to be our point of entry. 

Obviously, it will take more than just an empty closet on its own to get me to see my twin in the next universe over.  In order to break a hole so to speak through hyperspace and into said universe, a small colony of trans-dimensional termites will have to be placed on the far back wall of the closet so they can so the burrowing into hyperspace required.  Following this I worry about whether or not the safety line is secure enough after entering hyperspace with the custom suit on (or I could worry about it before hand.  Whatever the mad scientist suggests).

Now this is where things get tricky.  Once deep enough into hyperspace I will have to create another tear between worlds, but this tear will have to lead into the alternate reality (Note: Opening a tear right next to the first one would create a very large black hole created from the two tears that would engulf not only both universes but also the neighbouring ones nearby.  I wouldn’t recommend it).  I will create this second tear by using a Sonic Powered Hand Saw (created by the Mad Scientist), and then enter it (being sure to attach the safety line to something secure) to begin my search for my twin/alternate self!

After kidnapping/luring my twin back into my home dimension and making sure that there’s no way for him to leave our world (not that he/she would be bothered by that or anything) I begin making plans for us to do things together that would inspire bonding like going to an amusement park, pranking people, creating monsters and unleashing them into the public, or even world domination.  Who knows what we’ll come up with.  Maybe we’ll get ourselves a “triplet” brother or sister from another alternate universe!  The possibilities are endless!

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How To Train A Thunderstorm

This one I came up with the help of a friend one afternoon when this one storm cloud kept raining on and off as it couldn’t make up its mind.  As we observed this annoying phenomenon, me and said friend began to make jokes concerning how one would get a rain cloud to stick around.  It is through these jokes that this theory was made.

The Theory:

It may just be possible that by means of feeding it the right food, and providing the appropriate encouragement needed, one could raise a group of small fluffy white clouds until it has reached the point in its life cycle where they together create a very large and powerful thunderstorm.

Feeding the Cloud(s): 

Of course, one would have to wonder what a cloud would eat?  No, you can’t give it water.  Seeing as how they are made of water, having them consume water would be an act of cannibalism on their part, which in turn would make them flesh-eating clouds in a way.  No one wants flesh-eating clouds.

The correct food items for a cloud would be steam, fog, and electricity: 

The steam could be fed to a nearby cloud via a very large custom-made diffuser that can be filled with not just water but also scented oils by which flavour can be added to the steam.

The fog could be deployed to the cloud via a similar method.  Using a fog machine one could theoretically deliver the fog to the cloud for it to absorb (Bonus points to whoever can figure out a way to “flavour” the fog too).

The electricity is perhaps the easiest to provide to a cloud and would further speed up its transition into a thundercloud.  Just simply visit your local hobby shop and procure the necessary parts to construct a Tesla Coil!  Be sure to get enough of said materials so that you can build your Tesla Coil to the proper height of 50 feet.  You see?  Nothing major.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Providing Proper Encouragement:

After much consideration, me and my friend came to the agreement that it would take much more than proper food to raise a cloud until it is a full grown thundercloud.  One needs to encourage the cloud, much like a parent should do for their child.  Only for clouds this can’t be done with a gold sticker or any other type of reward like an ice cream cone.  No, there’s only one way to encourage a cloud properly.  Yup, you guessed it!  You must perform a rain dance!

Rain dances show your cloud that you want a bigger and greater life for it, it shows your cloud that you care about its future and are willing to put in the time to help it grow and exceed, and furthermore it shows that you believe it has true potential deep within itself.

With this information, I hope that you can see your cloud(s) flourish and grow into enormous thunderclouds/thunderstorms that will not hesitate to rain.  Do this not just for those who need clouds that know what they’re going to do concerning the topic of rain, but also for the clouds.  Far too often I see stray lost clouds in the sky with potential to rain but little encouragement or proper feeding (the worst cases are the ones who suffer from both).  But you can make a difference!

Do it for the clouds people!  For the clouds!

P.S. For your consideration, please be sure to reblog this to raise awareness!

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The Tombstone Shop

So the other day I was walking across the lawn of a tombstone shop and as I was passing on of said tombstones I heard what sounded like a cross between a ghostly wail and an annoying grunt of sorts.

The Theory:

What if tombstone shops use the display tombstones as guard posts for their ”security team”?

Who would make up this security force you ask?  Ghosts.  Yes, this is another post involving ghosts.  Could not be helped I’m afraid.

Why would a ghost want to guard a shop?  They wouldn’t.  The shop owners themselves would have to be the ones to catch the ghosts I would think.  Perhaps they even use the tombstones not just as guard posts but also as an object to bound the ghosts to so that they cannot leave.  This way the ghosts have no choice but to guard the shop, unless of course they choose not do anything should a robber come by which would make them a tricky sort to trust with such a task.

Therefore, I think the reason behind me hearing the ghostly wail/grunt is that I must have simply gotten a little too close to the tombstone.  Let this be a lesson to you all: Beware the tombstones and their inhabitants.

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Sleepwalking

What if sleepwalking is really just ghosts taking control of our bodies while we sleep?

This would actually be the perfect scheme for a ghost or a poltergeist!  Should a ghost ever want to experience the perks of having a living, breathing, body, they could simply wait for the target to fall asleep so that they can take over for the night.  Is it possible for said host to remember the possession experience?  They might if the ghost wouldn’t make sure to convince the subconscious that it’s all just a dream.

The only thing a ghost would really have to worry about is the fact that they could not do anything crazy that would attract unwanted attention to themselves.  By crazy I don’t mean anything minor like losing a limb or swallowing a ton of bees, I mean the really major stuff like floating around and freaking people out poltergeist style.

Now I’m not saying that all cases of sleepwalking would be possession cases.  In fact, most would have to be just regular sleepwalking cases for the ruse to go undiscovered by doctors.  If I were a ghost this is definitely  something I would try.  So the next time you find yourself sleepwalking, relax.  Really in a matter like this there’s only one thing to consider in order to get out of such a spooky ordeal.  What’s to consider you ask?  It’s a simple question really.

Who you gonna call?

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Beehive Zombies

So I was watching the popular tv series Hannibal from the NBC network and while I was watching one episode where the corpse found was turned into a beehive (the two pictures are from that episode, btw) a thought/theory began to brew inside my mind.

The Idea: 

Imagine if someone out there used the bees to help turn healthy living individuals into walking dead beehives.  That’s right! Beehive Zombies!

Don’t think about it, just imagine.

We already know that “zombie bees” are a thing of reality now thanks to scientific research and observation (read an article on “zombie bees” here!).  Basically, they’re bees that are infected with the maggots of a parasitic fly which causes them to fly around erratically at night.  Now imagine if bees were the ones doing the same thing to Human Beings.

The Theory: 

A killer (or simply some mad scientist) could train a group of Vulture Bees to eat their way into the host’s flesh, and begin making their way for the brain.  Once there they would begin burrowing inside (and by that I mean eating) the brain causing the mind of the human host to fall apart.  Piggybacking on the bees themselves would be the carriers for the actual “zombie flu”.  Realistically we’d be looking at a more evolved version of Ophiocordyceps unilateralis  that can not only infect Human Beings but also affect them to the same extent, if not more, that it would if it were infecting ants while at the same time doesn’t affect bees at all (thanks to genetic engineering).  Once inside this “zombie flu” could gain control of what’s left of the host’s brain and in turn gaining control of the host’s body to look for more fuel for the body and the fungus (HUMAN FLESH!!!).  Meanwhile, the bees are eating the now rotting flesh of the walking corpse while also using it for a place to build a beehive.

And to those wondering “How could a bee possibly get that far?  Wouldn’t a person notice a bunch of bees burrowing into their head/body?” That’s why the mad scientist gave the bees an anesthetic that’s injected into their victim’s system.  He’s a clever guy that mad scientist. 

Why would a mad scientist want to create such an insect with such dangerous potential?  FOR WORLD DOMINATION OF COURSE!!! Or maybe he doesn’t want to control the world through Beehive Zombies.  Maybe this is just what he does for fun?  Hey, everyone needs a hobby.

Is this truly possible do you think?  Or perhaps it’s just a crazy theory fueled by a combination of my hatred for bees and love of zombies.  Perhaps we’ll never know.

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Dandelions and the Existence of Magic

Whereas many in life may try to convince you that there is no such thing as magic, I for one believe that there very well could be or at least could have been.  This is a theory/idea I came up with at work and I tried explaining it to my friend/co-worker, but he didn’t understand what I was saying.  Maybe some of you guys will.  So here it goes.

The theory: That Dandelion-Wishes (and furthermore, the existence of Magic as a whole) are not possible anymore due to a paradox but were once possible long ago.

There is this idea/myth that by blowing off the seed of a dandelion one can make a wish and it will come true.  Of course, I’m sure many of us have tried to do this at some point in or lives perhaps as a joke or even truly believing that it will come true, only to find that it doesn’t.  Sadly, blowing away those fluffy white specks will not get us a million dollars, a pair of wings to fly with, or the answers to tomorrow’s math quiz.   Why?  Because magic isn’t real.  What if this wasn’t always the case though?

During my lunch break one day I picked up a dandelion and made a wish of my own: I wished that there was never such a thing as not just dandelion wishes, but magic in general.  As expected, nothing happened.  Whether the reason for this was because there truly is no such thing as magic or because I had created some sort of paradox is hard to say.  However, I don’t think it’s the latter simply because if this were to be true then I wouldn’t be able to even remember making the wish to able to use it in this post concerning my theory.  In fact, not just my post would be affected but many aspects and areas of history and culture.  So then I began to think that maybe this wish was already made by someone else long ago.  How would we know about magic then? Perhaps when the person made the wish their own knowledge was spared due to the paradoxical nature of the wish itself.

In the end, we may never know for sure whether or not magic is real.  Due to this paradox of a wish though, one could entertain the idea that it might be.  After all, whose to say that my wish didn’t work? Maybe my memory really was the one spared, and the only reason you still remember things like the magic of Disney, and Harry Potter, are because your timeline is one completely different from mine.  Maybe that paradox-wish erased all traces of magic from my timeline and sent me to yours so that I may keep my memories concerning magic as well as my sanity…or rather what’s left of it…