˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀ m.j edwards - “do i have what it takes?”
— in which your boyfriend martin has a meltdown from stress.
𓂃۶ৎ idol!martin, fem!reader, tears, kisses, skinship, stress, sensitive topics, sadness x comfort
It’s 3AM, and the studio smells like cold coffee and exhaustion.
Martin is slumped over his laptop with his elbows propped up under his chin, holding up his head like it weighs a ton. His body looks limp and fragile. He’s tired; you can see it in the way his body threatens to stop holding itself up.
The track he’s been working on endlessly repeats for the tenth time, a certain beat hitting a little too hard against his temples. He closes his eyes, furrows his brows into his hairline and lets a sigh out, the type of sigh that starts low in his chest, a slow build of air that slowly escapes.
He plays it again, and again.
He plays it so many times his head ends up fully in his hands, rubbing his eyes vigorously.
You approach quietly, because you know what Martin is like, if you try and confront him head on, he plasters a smile on his face and just says he’s fine.
But you know he’s not fine.
“Tini,” You say softly, wrapping your arms warmly around his shoulders from behind his chair. “You should take a break.”
He lets out a small, hollow chuckle. “I’m good, just finishing up, i’ll be 10 minutes.”
Your heart aches, like it’s being split straight down the middle with a saw. You know he’s overworking himself, but you also know he’s too stubborn to give up. You tighten your grip around him, nuzzling your head into the crook of his neck. He’s warm.
Martin overworks himself a lot, even if he denies it, you know that he does. He skips meals, misses out on sleep and locks himself inside until he’s satisfied with what he’s made. And even when he is satisfied, he will continue to listen to what he’s created over and over just in case.
“Martin, just let yourself relax for once.” You sigh against his ear.
You bury yourself in his scent, shaking your head against him.
That small gesture makes him pause. He spins his chair round, forcing you to let go of the grasp you have around him. But now, he’s looking directly at you. And the moment you make eye contact, you realise his condition is worse than you thought. His eyes are bloodshot, dark circles so bad you could mistake him for a vampire. You can’t help but notice his complexion too, he looks drained almost ghastly. His jaw is clenched tightly, like he’s been holding every single bit of stress in.
He exhales, but it comes out shaky.
“You know I can’t,” He says, voice low, like he’s afraid saying it out loud will make it come true. “The album, my schedule, the rest of the guys, everything and everyone is counting on me,” He weakly leans his head on your chest, grabbing you lightly by the hips. “What if I can’t be what everyone needs? What if i’m not a good leader, producer, boyfriend, not good at anything?”
This was the love of your life, and he’s saying these things about himself. It made your chest twist with guilt, all you wanted to do was to lift just a single burden off of his shoulders, he didn’t deserve all this pressure. He’s too young.
You raise your hands up to his head, softly ruffling his hair between your fingertips.
“Hey,” You whisper, patting his head. “Look at me.”
And so he does, reluctantly, but he does.
“You’re not messing anything up ,Tini. You’re amazing. You are part of the reason why you have this amazing life and group. You care too much about everyone, don’t do this to yourself.”
His eyes ever so slightly begin to glaze over, a light film of tears covering his tired pupils. “That’s the problem,” He says, voice breaking. “It’s so hard having to be perfect for everyone.”
You can see him fighting the tears back, trying to swallow it back down.
“You don’t have to be perfect for anyone, especially me. Just be yourself, that’s more than I could have ever asked for in life,” You move your hands down, rubbing his shoulders. “I promise.”
He stands up weakly out of his chair, towering over you. Out of nowhere, he recklessly throws his arms around you, collapsing into you like you’re the only thing in the world that can hold him up.
“I’m scared i’ll let you down.” He mumbles against your hair.
“You won’t,” You whisper into his chest. “You’re my everything, it’s impossible for you to let me down. If anything, I’ll be the one to let you down.”
He rests his chin delicately on the apex of your head. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t ever say that.” You pull back just enough to look up at him, shooting him a hurt look. “I love you, even when you’re the sleep deprived, dramatic, 3AM Martin.”
That gets a choked out laugh out of him.
Yet through the laughter, a solemn tear rolls down his cheek; a tear that threatens to escapes.
This time, you pull him in, gripping your arms tightly around his waist. You plant your head on his chest, hearing the faint sound of his heartbeat thumping against your ear. Even his heart sounds tired.
He strokes the back of your head in careful strokes, like he’s scared of damaging you.
“I’ll be okay, i’m okay,” He sniffles. “I’ll always be okay if i’m with you.”
“Martin you know i’ll always be here, but I need you to know when to stop too. I can’t stand seeing you overwork yourself to exhaustion like this. I know you’re not alright.”
“I’ll do my best for us, okay?” Martin mutters.
“I’m only okay if you’re okay too,” You reply. “So don’t push yourself this hard.”
“I’m scared if I don’t, I’ll fail. I’ll fail at everything, what’s the point of being a leader if I can’t even take care of myself?”
“You’ve been given this role because you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself, you take care of everyone, and that’s something not a lot of people can do. That’s why you’re so loved, your fans love you, your members love you, I love you.”
He looks up, refusing to look at the precious being he was holding as if one glance would break him completely. And for a while, his eyes stayed locked on the ceiling, blinking fast, like he could blink away the sting in his eyes before it all spilled. You could hear him breathing heavily through his nose, each inhale slow and measured yet every exhale shaky at the edges. He holds the pain in his chest.
“Do you think I have what it takes?” He asks weakly.
With all the courage he has in him, he looks down at you.
You reach up on your tiptoes, taking his head in your hands, brushing his cheek delicately. Martin leans into your touch like he’d forgotten how to breathe and you were the only source of air. A sound comes from his throat - raw and fragile, his words threatening to not come out.
“You have more than what it takes,” you reply whilst stroking his warm cheeks. “I see the way you stay up late, perfecting these songs, I see the way you take the blame when things go wrong, I see you. I see all of you.”
A delicate smile broke through despite his stress, it was shaky and crooked but it was real. A real, genuine smile from Martin.
Slowly, he crouches over and leaves a gentle, soft kiss on your forehead. And just through his kiss, you can tell he means every word he says. This boy loves you more than anything, and you can feel it too.
“Thank you, for seeing me.”
You promise to always see him, every single part of him.
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