sgt-phoenix

Come for the content, stay for the tags. Harry Potter, including Drarry (otp) and other pairings, and any drabbles or content for any upcoming fics. | Posted on Fanfiction.net, upcoming on AO3 under the username "sgt_phoenix".

[havisham]

well, this fic isn’t going to write itself, but i’m going to wait a bit longer to make sure. 

[babyboomerbullshit]

Oh No! tattoos!

[yipyap]

lol like this is actually cute. backfire

[obviouscaptain]

they’re boyfriends

[yipyap]

he’s worried his punk ass bf forgot to apply sunscreen again

[chazkuangshi]

he even picked out swim trunks to match his boyfriend’s tattoos. adorable

[loquaciousliterature]

Neville and his happy plant friends! :)

I wanted to draw a little Neville print as a Patreon reward last month and decided to do it in a bit of an Art Nouveau style! Hope you guys like! <3

[perhapsarat]

Harry had such a hard life you guys

[insufferableknowit-all]

Always Bickering

Summary: It’s the end of sixth year, and Ron and Hermione are finally talking again - and much to Ginny’s frustration, most of that talking is in the form of bickering.

(Also read on AO3)

It had been going on for hours. Years, really, if Ginny Weasley thought about it. And she was about ready to snap. The three of them were sitting in the Gryffindor common room and waiting for Harry to return from one of his private lessons with Dumbledore. Hermione was on the ground with notes spread out all around her (a clear mark of her insanity as exams approached). Ron was sprawled across one of the red, comfy chairs and Ginny herself was perched behind Hermione, on the couch. From her seat, she could have easily kicked Hermione in the head. She seriously considered it as an option to get the two of them to quit bickering.

And to think that, a little over a month ago, she had been worried that they would never speak again. Now, all she wanted was them to shut up.

In nearly thirty minutes, Ginny realized that they had bickered over practically every topic in their repertoire. It started over the correct way to write the letter “y” (Hermione said the loop should be long a curvy, whereas Ron argued that cursive was a dead language), had somehow progressed to the ideal way to study for an exam (Hermione said diligently, Ron said cramming), and then ended up on the topic of Harry, whom they discussed with such analysis that, without context, an eavesdropper might think they were discussing their child rather than their friend.

Keep reading

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

Memos of Originality

Mornings were Harry’s favourite. Mornings meant rushed paperwork; it meant excuses and late memos. Mornings meant authors, editors and retailers never being ready.

Mornings also meant Malfoy.

When he had first opened his publishing company, he hadn’t expected to come across Malfoy professionally, hadn’t expected to not only enjoy his work, but also enjoy his company.

However, what he hadn’t expected the most was Scorpius.

The chime of his floo went off as Draco’s voice saying, “Potter’s office,” was heard before his face was seen. Familiar babbling brought a smile to his face as he kneeled in front of the fireplace.

“Gandma!” Scorpius squealed and a small hand covered Draco’s face.

“Yes, after this you’ll see grandma. You just got to be a little patient.”

Harry couldn’t see Scorpius’ full face but what he could see, Scorpius seemed to be moving restlessly.

“Sorry,” Draco apologised as he looked into the fireplace fully. “My mother went on vacation and he’s been missing her. Thank Merlin she got in last night. I fear he would have rioted if she had been gone much longer.”

“Riot, huh?” Harry’s lips grinned. “Was he going to send his stuffed animals off to war with pitchforks and brooms?”

“He’s not a heathen,” Draco argued as his lips twitched. “He’d have made sure each toy had a wand.”

“Silly me.”

There was a softness to Draco when they locked eyes, and it always lured Harry in—always made him melt.

Keep reading

[ohboywonder]

the most unrealistic thing about harry potter

is that no teacher ever called him James by accident, or that Ron never was called “Bill-, eh Charl-, no Per-, argh!”

[animateglee-archived]

As a younger sister who knows this struggle all too well: THIS IS REAL. Pretty sure 70% of my past teachers still think I’m called what my sister is called in fact.

Imagine Fred being called Percy by McGonagall accidentally and then he gets so offended that he refers to her by “Professor [insert any other name but McGonagall” for the rest of the year, costing Gryffindor a considerable amount of points one at a time.

From then on, she vows to just call them all Mr Weasley.

Until Ginny comes along and she calls her Mr Weasley by accident and Ginny “accidentally’ calls her Sir and it starts again.

[kyraneko]

It’s lightly off-topic but also slightly relevant but I have long cherished this mental image of Professor Snape saying something snappish to Harry in just the wrong tone of voice and Harry absentmindedly, wearily, and completely accidentally responding with, “Yes, Aunt Petunia.”

[tarvek-sturmvoraus]

which would have all kinds of additional ramifications when you remember snape is the only one who knew petunia personally

[mjrtaurus]

He asks Harry to stay after class and straight up asks him “Am I truly that unpleasant?”

[sheepfulsheepyard]

Okay, okay, okay, this is probably deeply off-track, but all I can think of is Harry––who upon learning that Snape, of all people, his pain in the neck potions professor knows his aunt––has now received what can only be called a psychic punch to balls. 

How, how, how, is a teenage boy supposed to rectify this, mentally? Connect these strange unjoined worlds to somehow explain that Snape––Snape!––knows his Aunt Petunia?

“It doesn’t make any sense, mate,” Harry tells Ron, blearily, desperately wishing at age thirteen years that his butter beer was a real beer. “It just––it can’t be. Why would he know Aunt Petunia?” Ron grimaces. “Why would he want to? I mean, I know he’s Snape, and all that, but––”

Harry writes his only letter back to #4 Privet Drive, dotted with tears, and it has one line: How do you know Severus Snape?

Petunia writes back: DO NOT MENTION THAT MAN EVER AGAIN. 

And this. This. Sparks a light in Harry’s head. This is the same way Petunia talks about celebrities who have deeply, personally offended her. Usually when she fancied them and then they got married. It’s so completely clear to him, now: Snape is deeply, irrevocably, utterly in love with Aunt Petunia. 

Keep reading

[sgt-phoenix]

This post went completely parallel to the original and in the opposite direction, but my face hurts from wheezing in silence trying not to laugh at 12 in the morning

[pollyjean]

before you write: THINK!

is it Tender?

is it Homoerotic?

is it Implicitly homosexual?

is it Noticeably repressed?

is it Kind of gay?

[bewbin]

nunchucks are illegal in some states but guns are not. so if you tie two guns together and create gunchucks it’s neither legal or illegal

[trupowieszcz-moved-deactivated2]

schroedinger’s gunchucks

[occupy-democrats]

Imagine wanting to spend billions on something so easily circumvented.

[mstar1960]

I guess lefties think that illegal aliens can walk on water.

[occupy-democrats]

Wow, you’re right. There’s a huge flaw in my post, I forgot that humans have no way to get across water. Thanks for pointing that out, I’ll get right on deleting this.

[doomy]

[jibany-deactivated20200526]

[avani-hub]

It’s 2019 and if you’re still telling your daughter to “put on clothes” because she wearing shorts or short sleeves in her own house because there’s men in the house you need to look at the men in yo house BITCH

[perfectlyimperfectgoddessss]

A WORD BITCH! LISTEN!!!!! THANK GOD SOMEONE SAID IT!

[funnyjoke]

[perhapsarat]

When I was younger and reading Order of the Phoenix, I didn’t know that punting meant like boating so when Fred and George make the swamp and Filch has to punt the students across I literally imagined him drop kicking them across

just another day at hogwarts

[ununquadius]

Dudley: I met this guy last night that seemed to hate you a lot

Harry: It can be anyone. How did he look like?

Dudley: He was tall, blond, pale, grey eyes, pointy face…

Harry: Ah that’d be Draco, my boyfriend

[drarry-on-drarry-on]

Okay, but this could literally be taken 1 of 2 ways:

1: Draco still can’t believe that he—the always poised, ever composed, perfectly fashionable Draco Malfoy—is actually dating Hot Mess Harry Potter (who doesn’t even own a comb, he’s pretty sure), and Draco’s still livid about it because he honestly cannot figure out how it all happened.

Or

2: 8th year Harry has decided that he’s tired of all the dancing around and “foreplay” (if you will), and he’s taken matters into his own hands and declared to any- and everyone who will listen that he and Draco are now boyfriends, and Draco is in full Gay Panic mode because: No, that’s not the way it’s done! “You can’t just claim someone as your boyfriend like an actual Neanderthal, Potter, there has to be wooing.” Which actually leads back into scenario 1, now that I think about it, because Draco is still unsure as to how he ended up mere hours later at dinner with said Neanderthal, and even more unsure as to how he ended up months later happily in love with his Neanderthal (ok so he actually kinda likes when that side comes out) Harry Potter.

[ununquadius]

I love option 2. I’m laughing too hard imagining Draco’s face in option 2 😂

[luciferfemme-deactivated2021122]

Dudley: I thought Cedric was your boyfriend. 

Harry: Oh my god we went out one time! And then he died. Can we please not talk about this. 

Draco: YOU WHAT?!

[strictly-drarry]

ahhhhh omg you all kill me 😂😂

[yellowxperil-deactivated2026012]

srsly tho this is absolutely a thing that dudes do all the f***ing time

like where if he knows a girl doesn’t necessarily want to give him a hug, he will trap her in this position in front of witnesses where she has 2 options- both of which are undesirable for her, while simultaneously desirable for him

if she doesn’t want to hug him, whatever she does, it will suck for her.

she can 1. say nah and be the fucking asshole in front of other ppl or 2. forsake her corporeal boundaries and allow unwanted intimate contact

it’s a f***ing trap

[bombchelle]

F***ing hate dudes forreal.

[poltxsexkitten]

too many f***ing times ugh

[potamideriver]

Story time. One day I was on the MAX (basically a giant street car that goes all over the metro area) on my way to meet up with a few friends. I didn’t look at anyone, I didn’t speak to anyone, I just stood to the side on my phone making sure I wasn’t going to be late to my meeting. Out of no where, this guy comes up to me and starts to chat me up. Me, being who I am, am absolutely terrified to tell this guy to f*** off. He was at least half a foot taller than me, and was way too bulky for me to fight back. So I suck it up at humor him, say hello. Before introducing himself or asking me for my name, he asks me out on a date. Not wanting to piss him off I try to make light of the situation and I laugh, telling him that my boyfriend wouldn’t like the idea, but thank you for the offer. He just shrugs and says, “He doesn’t need to know.” At this point I’m scared out of my mind. There’s this guy who, after seeing me run two blocks to catch the train, comes up to me and has made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t going to leave without getting something out of me. I deny him a second time, saying, “I don’t even know you’re name. We’re strangers, I don’t know you.” He finally introduces himself and asks me for my phone number. I tell him I don’t give my number out to people I’ve just met and he says, “Fine, but at least take mine so we can meet up later.” So he watches me plug his number into my phone (which I deleted as soon as I knew I was safe and away from him) as we’re pulling up to my stop. I tell him I need to leave and switch trains and he tells me, “Oh, I’ll wait with you. I don’t have any plans, so I’m in no rush.” It’s important to note what at this point he had previously told me that he was late to a job interview, but he has all the time in the world because he still hasn’t gotten what he wanted from me; a yes. I get off of the train and he follows me, and waits at the platform with me for over ten minutes until my train arrives, asking me all sorts of personal questions about where I live and where I was going that day. As soon as the train pulls up he grabs for me and says, “Do I at least get a hug before you go?” I was terrified. I was embarrassed. This dude, who before even asking me for my name asks me out on a date and then continues to harass me after I tell him I have a boyfriend, asks me for a hug only fifteen minutes after meeting. People around us were staring at me, as if I was being rude for denying him, and every inch of me was mortified. I wanted to run, but I felt like if I had done that he would have chased after me and things would have gotten worse. So I did, and he squeezed me so tight I felt like I was going to burst. It took me a good ten seconds to get him to let go and I ran to the train car just as the doors were closing. He was trying to get me to miss my train so I would have to wait with him even longer. I would have been stuck there for over a half an hour until the next train came by, and the platform (aside from the few buses coming by) was now COMPLETELY EMPTY. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he knew EXACTLY how to get me alone with him. People, if you are in a situation like this do not feel obligated to give in. If someone is making you uncomfortable and asks to touch you in any way, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY YES. Make excuses, be blunt, just straight up say ‘no’. If possible, go to someone else near by who you think can help you and ask them to help you. It’s important for guys to learn that they can’t get what they want just by asking over and over again. I got lucky. But not everyone does. Please, everyone, Be Safe.

[d-o-llf-a-ce]

SECOND STORY TIME

So I was on the transit bus alone one time. This was my first time riding, and so already I was PETRIFIED. I sit down, pull out my ipod, and begin to play some games. This guy sits down next to me, and begins trying to have a conversation. I don’t really respond, I don’t even look at him, just give half-hearted “mhm”s and “oh”s, as I don’t want to be rude if he was just striking up a friendly conversation. He then asks me on a date.

Now, as I stated before, I already was absolutely petrified. My heart stopped and I didn’t know how to answer. So I just didn’t. He didn’t let up and I could feel his eyes on me. I quietly stammer out a “no thanks” and my stop HAPPENS to be coming up, so I pull the string thing to let the driver know I want to stop there, and once we stop and the doors open I get up and he asks me, “Well, can I at least have a hug before you go if you won’t go on a date with me?” 

This makes me break. There are now people staring, as we are the only people standing up and not getting off… So I just start crying. Hell, I am bawling almost instantly. He looks so fucking freaked out and people are now getting up to come over and comfort me/question him. I don’t stop crying, and he keeps trying to comfort me by touching me, and people are yelling at him for that. 

AND THEN. AND. FUCKING. THEN. THE GOD DAMN BUS DRIVER. A VERY EASILY 6 FOOT BURLY MAN. COMES OVER TO US. PULLS THE GUY AWAY. AND KNEELS DOWN. HE THEN ASKS, IN THE MOST CALM VOICE, “Did you request the stop?” I very slowly and shakily nod, as I am still crying my eyes out. He then asks, “Do you want to get off?” I give a quiet “mhm” and nod once again, and he offers me his hand. I take it, he stands up, and he escorts me off the bus. He asks me questions such as where I was going next, if I was going to meet someone shortly, if I was going to transfer buses from there. He was very polite and waited for me to answer the entire time, and my friend (who I was going to be meeting there) showed up. He asked me if this was someone I knew, I said yes, and he said alright, have a good day. He then told me- and this is something stuck in my mind forever, so it is word for word-

“If some guy EVER starts harassing you like that again, do exactly what you did there. Cry. Cry and scream and have a temper tantrum. Not only will it throw him off, but it will get others to notice. They might not interfere, they might, but you will have gotten their attention and if you happen to go missing the next day the search for you will be a hell of a lot easier because everyone in that location will have seen you screaming and crying with a guy now very awkward with his actions. They will know. That is what my daughter did, and three days after she went missing she was back in my arms. I pray for you and every other person like you who has this done. You stay safe now, okay?” And after I began blubbering again, I nodded and he left.

So this is the second lesson for yall. If you can not have the courage to say no or make an excuse, cry. Let out those sobs and tears and cry your heart out. Because it is going to make people notice and make people aware.

[cosmic-noir]

Reblogging for that second story. This might save a life.

[grumpybeardruid-archive-deactiv]

I just wanna note that bus drivers can be really amazing and good ones do look out for their riders.

[han-syolo-shot-first]

Also, as an additional tip (in case you cannot cry on command or such), you can say, “No, because you’re creepy/creeping me out” and if he persists or tries to laugh it off, say “I do not want to be touched” and look at one of the strangers/persons that is watching.

It: 1. Gives them a sense of urgency in the situation, as the eye contact is a way to make them feel as though you are personally asking for their help and it is now their obligation to help. 2. Contains words so that if you’re in a public place but people aren’t necessarily watching, then they (as natural evesdroppers) can overhear the attention-grabbing words and then notice the situation. Note, this does NOT mean that they will come for help, but you might be able to look someone in the eye (as previously mentioned) or just get some people’s attention. 3. It shows that you have fight in you. As with rapists, those who are physically aggressive (ie. these huggers) choose women they see as an easy target. The moment you show them you are going/willing to fight them, they are less likely to continue. Sadly, this is not always the case, but every little bit helps.

Hopes this also helps, guys, and I’m so sad that this has to even be a post we need.

[oxfordcommaforever]

Dudes who follow me: 1) reblog this 2) don’t be the creepy guy who asks random women for hugs 3) be aware of your friends or random creepy dudes and call them out if they act gross towards girls/womem

[midoriko-sama]

Ok, I wasn’t going to comment about this, because there was no way of doing it without talking about a part of my life I really didn’t want to. But fuck that, there be young girls out there who need a hand.

So I used to be hot when I was young. I mean, model hot, because I actually used to model. Even now, I’ve let myself go on purpose because I was tired of the harassment. But I fit a UK size 6 with a pert ass from volleyball and a cup c breast. As you can imagine, I couldn’t wear anything or go ANYWHERE without being harassed. I sometimes even happened in church.

Anyway, I’m not a shrinking lily, and when I get angry enough I can do some crazy shit. So here are some of my coping mechanisms:

1) find a matronly looking lady, run up to her with ‘aunt may! I haven’t seen you in ages! ’ then whisper ‘please help he’s harassing me!’. 99.9 times out of 100, she will be scandalised and help you anyway even if she’s annoyed or in a hurry. If no older lady is available, find a younger one, or a nun, or a trans lady. We of the sisterhood know what it is to be harnessed, and I guarantee if you look frightened enough, they will help.

2) If you are out alone at night, and someone is following you, spot a house or apartment where the lights are on and knock, asking ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ or ‘john’ to let you in. Even if the people inside are annoyed, odds are they won’t turn you away, and you can phone someone to pick you up, or phone the police from a safe space

3) Make noise. Cry and scream loudly, call them out ‘i don’t know you and you are terrifying me! Please get away from me!’ if there are people around. Even if they don’t help directly for fear of their own safety, someone around you is calling security or 911.

4) speak a foreign language. If you know it, speak the language to them fast and incessantly, like you have just met someone you knew and you’re just giving the best performance rant of why your OTP is the best OTP. Make yourself ANNOYING. Think about what would be awkward and annoying to you and make it what you do to them. If you make them think YOU are something to get away from they will leave you in peace.

Now beware, the following ones are the CRAZY ones and may not always work. But they are a valid last resort:

5) stare at them. Stare at them like you’re hungry and they are a hapless deer you’re going to tear to pieces. Like yours the girl from the ring emerging from the TV to kill them. Don’t smile, don’t change your expression. DON’T BLINK. Hold their state like you’re Wednesday Adams about to do unspeakable things to a spider, and they are the spider. Even the most courageous of stalkers balk at this, but if they don’t…

6) Use the Hannibal Lector. After staring at them for and extended period of time (imagine all the things that have made you scared, imagine you could get revenge on them for putting you here, that’s the thought you need to have), if they are getting closer to you, whisper something like ‘i would fry your liver in garlic’. Even the hardiest ones will be taken aback, but keep it up while making sure you don’t let the others hear you. Things like, occult star readings requiring blood, wondering whether he is the offering the spirits sent. If you’re on this site you’ve read some weird shit at least once. Tell him that. Tell him you would like him to meet your lord, Vlad the Impaler, who requires much blood to be appeased. Be a stereotypical ‘crazy bitch’ like they see in the movies. Believe it or not, this has worked for me twice.

Above all, banish the notion that you have to be polite.

They were impolite by approaching you. If you can, ignore them. If you are not alone, pointedly put headphones in your ear, and don’t make eye contact, wait for them to realise that ‘youre a bitch anyway’ and move away. If you are alone, evade and find places and ways to fix that as soon as POSSIBLE.

And if all else fails, summon Satan.

[prismatic-bell]

Something I have learned at work:

Never underestimate the power of a good “EXCUSE me????”

Legit. It makes people STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. This is the one I whip out when people start swearing at me over the headset and always, without fail, they stop what they’re saying, shocked.

Go for offended, and go for loud. Not yelling loud, but giving-your-best-presentation loud. “EXCUSE me??? You approached me two minutes ago, I don’t even know your name, and you want WHAT? Creep.”

For one, the presentation will shock them. For another, that indignant tone? EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS GOING TO WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS JUICY SHIT.

Now the second key here is, DON’T LET HIM JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). He smiles and goes “I just wanted–” FUCKING INTERRUPT HIM. Firmly. Irritably. “I heard what you wanted, and I’ve already declined once. Maybe you should go back to kindergarten where they teach you no means no.” Run right over the fucker. He’s not respecting your words, you don’t need to respect his.

A further note: if you’re an iPhone user, you can use Siri to call 911. (I know Android has a similar function, but I don’t know what it is–play with your AI and find out.) If you’re in a secluded area, this works well; I used to walk home from work at 2am and had to do it twice. Make eye contact with your harasser, activate Siri, and loudly, firmly say “Siri, call 911.” Siri will immediately reply “calling emergency services.” (It actually takes five seconds to activate, but there’s a Call Now button if you need it.) Almost ALWAYS the person harassing you would rather take off than wait for you to get a dispatcher on the line.

[alleiradayne]

As they say on the podcast, My Favorite Murder:

Fuck Politeness.

[femmefaramir]

older lotr illustrations sometimes depict éowyn wearing ridiculously small armour. apart from the problem general sexualisation of the only female character (who really does anything), there’s another hilarious thought:

éowyn pretended to be dernhelm, a man. to fit in, she must have worn men’s armor. so the armor in the illustrations is normal for rohirrim.

therefore, all the rohirrim rode to war just like that:

[hobbit-hole]

there’s a thundering sound in the distance as the rohirrim ride into war but rather than hoofbeats it’s the collective sound of all their cheeks clapping

[delicatelytoobear]

the artist for this particular piece is Frank Frazetta and to be fair to him this is how he drew the orcs armor 

so the rohirrim comment is probably not that far off

[sergle]

THIS TAG KNOCKED ME OUT

[whitepeopletwitter]

[silent-calling]

You teach them responsibility by entrusting them with these devices.

You teach them teamwork by taking them away at night and storing them in your room.

[tetigistuss]

My dad kept the computer locked and monitored (and only used when under direct supervision), an intolerable situation to which my little brother and I reacted with gusto. We set up a camera to get the password, coded password guessers, bootcamped a Mac to allow us to use an entirely different system, and figured out various ways to avoid logging internet activity, logins, and even the hidden camera my dad set up. He would discover our new hack and put even more restrictions (he is very computer literate), and we would crack it again. We learned computer security just because my dad didn’t want us to.

I breezed through AP comp sci into a tech field. Ironically, I was introduced to porn because I was looking for another bypass and stumbled into a BDSM site so I can also blame my dad for me being a freaky ho.

[thegreenpea]

Out of all the responses to this post. Yours was my favourite. I cried laughing when I saw the last paragraph

[snarkyhetalian]

Lol