Every year I write notes to let go of it all. Here are the 2022 notes. Even if no one reads them. I feel better šš½āāļø and I encourage everyone to take time to let whatever is bothering them go.
#1 Maybe I made it all up. I do have a ridiculous tendency of fabricating reality to make it seem a little bit less terrible. So letās say I did, letās say the whole thing was a giant manipulation. Well, props to you because that was a play of a lifetime. Somehow you managed to maneuver past every single safe guard that I put up and gain instant access to me.
What I did with you I donāt do with anyone. But you wouldnāt know that. You only ever got close enough to get what you wanted.
I think thatās the part that made me the craziest. Either you managed to master a level of manipulation so high that it felt seamless orā¦ even worse, you meant all of it and then you just took it back.
I suppose Iāll never know what was real and what wasnāt. Actually I know I wonāt know, because Iām more scared of an answer. Either answer is terrifying. Iāve already obsessed too much over this. And I know itās me. I know Iām a lot all the time. I have every health issue in the world, I come with an abundance of trauma, and a sprinkle of sarcasm. But Iām still worth something, and Iām still a human.
And what Iām learning is that I deserve to be more than a maybe. I deserve to be more than held at arms length and used for whatever it is you needed me for in the moment. I know Iām stellar and I donāt want to wait around for anyone to figure that out.
I want to be more than just a person whose existence doesnāt bother you. So this is your letter, and Iām letting it go.
Maybe one day youāll realize that it wouldāve been worth it to actually get to know me. Or then again, maybe you wonāt. I wonāt know, and Iāll pretend that I wont be bothered by it until it becomes true. Until I become the ghost I was always meant to be.
#2 Where do I even start? You managed to literally drain me of every single ounce of care I had. Metaphorically and physically I was drained by you. You were so intense in the beginning, I suppose one couldāve called it love bombing. But I was all in. There were a thousand red flags, and I missed them all. First it was yes, then it was absolutely no, and then it was just kidding yes.
Maybe I was just happy to be seen but I ran with it. And it caught on fire just as fast.
I excused so so so much. You screamed at me, I let it go. You started calling me names, I let it go. You started acting compulsive and possessive, I let it go.
You made me feel insecure, and tired. But honestly I let you. You blamed everything on everyone else but the common denominator was always you.
You destroyed my car. You emptied my bank account. You took advantage of all the trust I had.
So hereās your letter. I hope you learned something from all of this. I wish I could say that I miss you, but you were slowly cutting away since day one, and I canāt say that I do. I just miss the time that Iāll never get back.
This is me. Letting it goā¦
#3 Iāve never written you a letter. I think I was just convinced that you didnāt need one. That I had done all the work of forgiving all of the people that protected you. But Iāve never forgiven you, because I didnāt feel like you deserved it.
As I get older Iām learning that forgiveness isnāt about what the other person deserves. Itās about what I need. And I need to let this go. Itās been years. 20 years actually.
My family never believed me. They took your side, or they hushed me along the way. Some of them literally wrote a different story into my impressionable brain. But I remember.
It came back in bits and pieces. But every single inappropriate word, touch, expression has all come back by this point. It used to be like a vision. I would smell something or hear something and it would just unlock core memories that left me crippled for years.
You, on your own, ruined every normal chance I had with men. There are things I canāt do now. There are things that Iām not sure Iāll ever recover from. There is also the pain. Iām almost positive that my chronic pain came from you.
So every time I take a step and it hurts, thereās a whisper thatās ever so quiet that says your name. Every time Iām intimate with someone and I get nervous, I hear that whisper again. Iāll admit that over the years the whispers have grown quieter and less frequent. But that doesnāt mean that they have escaped me yet.
Hereās the truth though,
I saw that you had a son a couple of years ago. And all I could think of was that I hope he was absolutely nothing like you.
Then again, perhaps youāve been through trauma that I will never understand. Maybe when you go to sleep at night you feel remorseful for everything youāve done. Then again maybe you donāt.
Either way, here is your letter. I forgive you for it all.
Iām definitely ready to let it go.
#4 We were inseparable. I worked 8 hrs in the morning and rushed home to take you the hospital. You thought you were fine. But I encouraged you. Your appendix needed to be taken out and I saved your life. The doctor said so.
So everything you did just hurt even worse.
When I talked to that boy, you uprooted the entire thing. And the party. Donāt get me started about the party. There was only one boy off limits. And you risked everything Including me.
You handed me drink after drink until I was almost so drunk I couldnāt remember my name. Then you convinced me to let a random boy make my drink. I was so drunk I didnāt think about it. So I took it.
I passed out. In and out and that was what you wanted. You let that man drug me so I could be your scapegoat. I havenāt gotten all the memories back yet. But I know what happened mostly.
I know how I felt in the morning. I know how I feel at every house party I go to now.
I donāt know what possessed you to get us to that point. But hereās your letter, and I forgive you. And I forgive that boy too.
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