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[mbti-notes]

How Functions Work: Inferior Te (ISFP/INFP)

The inferior function is the hardest to understand and describe. It embodies the part of us that we are least accepting of. Although we are often unaware of its activities, it would be inaccurate to describe the inferior function as “weak” because all of our core functions are powerful in their own way. The power and force of the inferior function actually comes from the mistaken assumption that it has no power. We underestimate the inferior function at our own peril.

Keep reading

[mbti-notes]

Hi mbti-notes, hope you are doing well. I am an INFP who is easily taken by persuasive people with questionable opinions. I was a part of an online forum about women prioritizing their wellbeing in relationships that quickly devolved into something ugly. I want to do better next time. When people speak with a lot of conviction, I am easily persuaded because I see the confidence that I lack. I will be utilizing the resources you have already linked on critical thinking. I need to be less gullible

I understand your sentiment because this issue is quite close to my heart. I always try to place truth as my highest ideal, so it pains me greatly to see myself or others be misled by false information. Part of my motivation for running this blog is to try to warn people against quick-fix ideas that end up doing them more harm than good. Critical thinking skills are more important than ever because we unfortunately now live in a social media world that allows misinformation and disinformation to spread like wildfire. There are too many opportunities for people to find information that engages them at the expense of information that is true.

Generally speaking, Fs tend to be trusting, especially when it comes to people they like or relate to. They need this trait because it is essential for relationships to thrive and love to blossom. Having healthy and happy relationships is one of the major factors that determines whether you will live a good quality of life.

However, every personality trait has its upsides and downsides. The downside of being trusting is that you might end up putting faith in people who don't deserve it. You can think of critical thinking as a form of self-defense training. It helps you spot threats and neutralize them quickly, before too much damage is done. This doesn't mean that you'll never get deceived or hurt. If someone is determined to take advantage of you, they will use all sorts of devious tactics. The most important thing is that you're able to detect them and protect yourself as soon as possible.

Do you understand why people often fall prey to false information? I would argue that the main reason is low self-awareness: they don't know themselves very well and aren't aware of what really motivates them. Most people are at low levels of ego development, which means that they are, by and large, unaware of being driven by underlying emotional issues.

You brought up a great example. One of your main underlying issues is that you lack confidence. Thus, your approach to people is often framed by this issue. You (unconsciously) seek out people who are able to lend you their confidence. You're definitely not alone there. Numerous studies have revealed how easily people are taken in by empty confidence and charisma in leaders. This is why psychopaths and narcissists achieve leadership positions more easily than the average person. The average person is usually more honest, in that the degree of confidence they exude matches their actual level of knowledge and capability. As an average person, you then assume that others are similarly honest. If they exude high confidence, they must know better than you... right? Oftentimes, the more confident someone appears to be, the more likely it is that they're trying to persuade you for ulterior motives rather than educate you for altruistic motives.

There are several aspects to tackling this problem of low self-awareness. Improve your emotional intelligence to make it more difficult for people to emotionally manipulate you. Improve your critical reasoning ability so that you know how to evaluate information on your own. Properly vet your sources of information.

1) Emotional Intelligence: What are your emotional vulnerabilities? We all have them but we are not all aware of them. For example: What sorts of things about people trigger your awe, envy, jealousy, admiration, resentment, self-loathing, etc? It's a lot harder for people to exploit your emotional vulnerabilities when you're fully aware of them and know to tread more carefully whenever they get triggered.

The consumer economy and the social media world run on emotional manipulation. What does that mean? There wouldn't be so many "influencers" out there if not for the masses of people wanting to feel something. There's pleasure in the engagement, the inspiration, the novelty, the shock, the outrage, the possession, the tribal validation, isn't there? If you're looking to get hooked by something, someone will use that opportunity to hook you for their own ends.

If someone is hitting hard on your emotional vulnerabilities (i.e. it seems as though they know exactly what to say to trigger a response in you), have a strategy for maintaining some emotional distance for awhile, in order to give yourself enough time to properly evaluate the person and what they are saying. It could be as simple as shutting off your device or walking away to clear your head.

For example, let's say you go to the store and the salesperson is using high pressure sales tactics on you. Politely tell them that they're making great points and you appreciate their help, but you need some time to mull it over. Leave the store, whip out your phone, and start doing research. You might soon discover that there's another store selling the same product for a lower price or that the product has gotten very poor reviews. Always give yourself the time and opportunity to seek out the truth.

I have a friend who loves to solicit my opinion on random things. However, I noticed that they'll never show any signs of agreement or disagreement when listening to my arguments. The conversation always ends with them saying that they need some time to think on it. They obviously place a lot of trust in me because they often seek out my input, but they don't automatically trust that everything I say is true or the full story, no matter how confident I appear to be. This brings me to the next point.

2) Critical Reasoning: One of the most important aspects of critical reasoning is making the effort to be as objective as you can, which is something FPs often struggle with. Objectivity means that you try to understand the whole picture, from every vantage point available to you. Objectivity means that you evaluate information impartially, from a position of someone who is disinterested (i.e. someone with no stakes in the matter either way). The reason objectivity is difficult is that when you get interested in something, you become emotionally invested in it, maybe you get your hopes up, and that can cloud your judgment.

One easy way to be more objective is to focus less on the person and focus purely on the content of their words. Whether you like, admire, or hate someone is irrelevant to the factuality of their statements. Evaluate the claims and statements for factuality in isolation, apart from who happened to utter them. Several of the books that I recommended on the resources page under critical thinking teach people how to evaluate information carefully, step by step.

When we like someone, we tend to assume that they are a good person, so we believe that they wouldn't intentionally mislead us. However, good people don't know everything and can still have false beliefs, right? When we hate someone, we tend to assume that they are a bad person, so we dismiss their words. However, bad people can still be in possession of some facts, can't they? In other words, moral character and intellectual knowledge are two different realms of existence. You can be morally good and intellectually ignorant at the same time. You can be morally bad but intellectually knowledgeable at the same time.

3) Vet Your Sources: You are human. Humans have limited time and energy for doing research. You can't know everything. You will make mistakes out of ignorance. Be forgiving of yourself. Throughout life, we sometimes have no choice but to rely on others and trust in their knowledge and expertise. What makes a source trustworthy? Here are some important points to consider:

- What is the source of their knowledge and expertise? Do they have the relevant educational and/or experiential qualifications? If they are a professional, do they have the requisite certificate, license, and/or other documentation that proves their qualifications? If you're not sure about these things, there are lots of forums online where you can ask questions to people who actually work in the field - use social media to your advantage. One sentence structure I always laugh at is "I'm not a scientist but..." Stop listening right then and there because they're basically telling you not to trust them!

- Is there a better source out there? Do you have a tendency to be loyal against your better judgment? When you're young and/or lack worldly experience, you're more easily taken in by interesting ideas and the charismatic people spouting them. However, once you've been around the block a few times, you start to see how ideas get recycled and regurgitated and repackaged. Truly new and revolutionary ideas are few and far between. Whatever idea you're enamored with, there are probably lots of people out there who are already familiar with it. Talk to those people to get a more realistic perspective on the matter (this is especially important for Ns to do). The idea may indeed be a good one, but that doesn't mean there isn't a darker side to it as well. One important thing that modern society has lost, to its great detriment, is respect for elders and their wisdom. With the hyperfocus on youth, we forget that there are people out there who've been there and done that, perhaps many times over. Tap into that treasure trove of information and you could save yourself quite a lot of heartache. In my teens, my parents always side-eyed me for making friends with older people, probably because they were afraid I would get groomed for abuse or something (a very valid concern!) Actually, I was only interested in learning from their experience.

- Are they principled in their dealings with people? Do they have a "code" or standards of conduct that they always follow? Do they make a strong effort to be objective, honest, fair, and well-rounded when they present information? What stake do they have in earning your trust? How do they stand to benefit from your trust? Are they completely transparent about the benefits they receive? When you enter a relationship with someone, even if it's a parasocial relationship, make sure that you understand what each party stands to gain and lose from the interaction. What are you being asked to give? Is it going to be a fair exchange?

Relationships, real-life or virtual, come and go and end for all kinds of reasons. Throughout it all, it's important to remember that being trusting is a virtue. If someone chooses to take advantage of your trust and exploit it for their own self-interest, THEY are in the wrong, not you. Don't blame the victim! All you wanted was to improve yourself and your life. Your intention is good.

In case it needs to be said, just because you've been burned before, doesn't mean that there aren't any trustworthy people out there. The world is full of good and bad and everything in between. The remedy to social threats isn't to become cynical and give up on trusting people, as this would just plunge you into a new form of hell where you've lost your humanity and live in paranoid isolation.

The remedy is to make sure that you take the time to really know someone well before placing too much trust in them. Don't let excitement override your better judgment. Also, Si types often approach trust and loyalty as "set it and forget it". Remember that trust should be earned over time and loyalty should be constantly negotiated throughout a relationship. You can and should revoke your trust and loyalty at any point a person shows you that they aren't deserving.

[mbti-notes]

Hey mbti, I am an infj and I'd like to ask you what exactly consists an spiritual need. I don't know how to explain it to you, but I am in search of a belief system greater than myself. You are a philosopher, right? Maybe I could find some answers in philosophy. If so, where do I start?

The etymology of "spirit" goes back to the word "breath", as related to the "energy" that imbues all living beings. The word "spirit" is invoked as a contrast to physical existence, so it refers to the nonphysical aspects of you and your existence that are presumed to be equally important to the physical aspects. Without one or the other, your existence never really feels right.

If you just live for physical survival, you will soon find that your existence feels somewhat empty or hollow. Why? Because you haven't addressed the question of what you're living for. Many people only come to realize that they have spiritual needs because they sense an inexplicable lack or absence of something important - much of human behavior is motivated by an unconscious desire to compensate for some intangible void within. This leads many people to use their cognitive functions egotistically, as though spiritual needs are just like physical needs like hunger or thirst, for example:

immature Si: only attaches to things for safety/security

immature Ni: only pursues goals that benefit oneself

immature Ti: only uses one's knowhow to cheat or exploit

immature Fi: only cares about one's own feelings

immature Se: only knows superficial pleasures

immature Ne: only wants to be entertained and distracted

immature Te: only wants power, control, or clout

immature Fe: only wants to possess or dominate

The concept of "spiritual need" is about formally acknowledging the necessity of meaning, actively engaging in meaning-making activities, and being in touch with something outside of yourself, beyond mere egotistical wants/desires. Spiritual needs are universal and include things such as:

to seek and apply the right knowledge

to develop one's potential

to put one's talents to good use

to set a constructive direction

to feel a sense of greater purpose

to earn respect and trust

to express care, support, and love

to have a sense of place and belonging

to participate fully in the world

to recognize the value in everything

to conduct oneself in the right way

to care about moral goals/outcomes

to devote oneself to worthy causes

to heal what is hurt or broken

to be present, whole, at peace

to experience beauty, wonder, awe

to have hope for the future

to have faith in a greater power

There are many ways to fulfill spiritual needs because there are many ways to generate a meaningful existence. Some spiritual needs are closely related to the functional stack. The process of learning how to use your functions maturely should naturally generate plenty of meaning for you. For example, observe the connection between these function applications and the needs listed above:

mature Si: use ritual to generate sacred significance

mature Ni: devote yourself to a better future

mature Ti: make the best use of your capabilities

mature Fi: honor what is good and virtuous

mature Se: bring out the beauty and wonder of the world

mature Ne: use possibility to create a better world

mature Te: build a world that works well for everyone

mature Fe: use harmony/gratitude to rebalance the world

Philosophers are not innately more spiritual nor do they automatically possess spiritual wisdom. Some of my classmates went through the entire canon of philosophers and didn't come out much wiser. You say you're looking for a belief system, but that's not really what philosophy is used for a lot of the time. Philosophers are more inclined to doubt and even take apart belief systems, which can be a dangerous activity, if it leaves you with no ground to stand on. Only a subset of philosophers are fully devoted to the concept of wisdom and learning the knowledge that one needs for living life well.

The advantages of being a philosopher come from: general open-mindedness; a willingness to deeply and thoroughly explore concepts; the ability to structure, extract, and evaluate ideas and arguments; the discernment to separate truth from falsity. In short, being a philosopher grants you certain mental tools, but how you choose to use them is what matters most.

You still have to set the right intentions, goals, and purpose. You still have to do the hard work of learning the right kinds of knowledge and then apply the knowledge in the right ways. You still have to keep examining yourself and whether your path continues to be viable and good. To be a philosopher is in some ways antithetical to the concept of a peaceful existence. Is inner peace not what people really want when they say they "want a belief system"?

Instead of getting lost in a sea of abstract philosophical ideas, it would be more fruitful for you to examine the reasons behind why you don't feel at peace and address them more directly. The above list should give you a better idea of what spiritual needs are and the importance of using healthy methods to fulfill them. Determine which spiritual needs are most pressing/important to you at this period of your life, set some concrete benchmarks and goals in relation to them, and come up with a feasible plan for fulfilling them.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’ve been reading your blog and so far it was very helpful for me. I am an infj and I’ve realized that I don’t do things for the sake of myself. For example, skin care or basic chores. I can of course motivate myself if I frame it like “if you don’t do your skincare, you’ll look bad in front of people”. And then I would do it of course. But I don’t want to do anything for my own sake. I have a good morning routine of 3 habits that I do regularly, but after that, I don’t want to do anything. I think I am stuck in pleasure-pain worldview.

I’ve read your post in which you said that self-development should come from a place of love and care for ourselves. Even though I’d like to think that I love myself, my actions tell me that I don’t. I understand that following this path won’t bring me to good places. But if don’t care, what do I do?

I can expect that you’ll say to utilize Fe, but I don’t have good close friendships to lean on. For over a month I’ve been inviting my friends to meet and spend time together, but out of 6-7 people nobody had time (or desire) to meet me. I meet people at the uni and talk, but these aren’t close relationships. I am trying to figure out a trajectory out of this, but I get into a loop, often reading your posts lol. I woke up from years of thinking that I’m doing great when in reality I had poor social skills and was basically isolated. I do well on weekdays, but weekends get tough.

---------------------

You say reading my blog is helpful for you, then you say after reading you get into tertiary loop. Doesn't make much sense. I don't really follow your reasoning. Who is the one afraid of looking bad? Who is the one seeking pleasure and avoiding pain? Who is the one feeling isolated and seeking companionship? It is you, isn't it? You are the person directing all of this thinking and behavior… and for what? For yourself. For satisfying your needs, desires, and goals.

As far as I can tell, it is indeed true that you don't do things for the sake of your SELF (you may also call it "Spirit" or "Soul" if you want). When one does things for the sake of capital-S Self, one's decisions are motivated primarily by integrity and well-being. Such decisions can sometimes feel difficult, but one knows that the long term costs of denying the Self are exponentially more difficult. Everyone already has within them the necessary tools for proper self-care. Anyone can, at any time, get in touch with the Self and allow it to lead them toward a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

But if you're not doing things for the sake of the Self, what are you doing things for then? Short answer: Ego. What are you? Are you and your ego one in the same? Do you identify as a weak, broken, or flawed person? Do you identify as a special, exceptional, or underappreciated person? All of these labels relate to ego. Whatever superficial label you identify as, when you are confronted with evidence to the contrary, the ego reacts negatively. Ego is about propping up a false self-image, protecting and defending it against violation, and constructing the kind of life that is necessary to validate and justify its continued existence.

When you are identified with ego and do things for the sake of protecting the ego, you are actually choosing a solipsistic, short-sighted, and superficial way of life. It is solipsistic because the ego knows nothing beyond personal comfort and desire. It is short-sighted because the ego is too easily distracted and led astray by immediate pains and pleasures. It is superficial because the ego only reacts to symptoms and has no deep insight into the root cause of problems.

Propping up a false self-image comes at the expense of your integrity and well-being, and it creates cycles of self-sabotage. As long as you appear okay on the surface, who cares about the deeper truth, right? Wrong. How is Ni supposed to be healthy, i.e, to have a clear vision and set the right aspirations to strive for in life, when you do not prioritize the truth and do not always act in service of the truth? You can't be a person of integrity and live a life of integrity as long as you can't face down the truth about yourself.

What is the truth about you? How did you get to the point of living in total denial? The truth is that you have unfulfilled needs? The truth is that you didn't really want to be aware of your unfulfilled needs because you were afraid of the change that would be required of you to fulfill them? The truth is that this deep-seated fear kept you making poor decisions that led you away from proper self-care? The truth is that it's hard to feel motivated to care when doing so would interfere with denial?

My blog is meant for people who are ready and willing to change, so maybe it's not appropriate for you. Are you actually ready when you're still claiming that you don't care? Someone who truly "doesn't care" doesn't have any will to live. They would neither seek change nor ask for help. Your actions indicate that you do indeed care. But because you care more about ego than Self, you don't get good results. This leads to a sense of failure that erodes motivation.

When people say they have trouble caring, they're telling a lie of sorts, but they cling to the lie because it's an ego defense mechanism that helps numb the pain of unfulfilled needs. Apathy just masks a deeper emotional problem with boredom, fear, disappointment, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, or even anger. But apathy cannot hide the truth of your neglected needs forever and it, too, will eventually become painful. No one can make you care, convince you to care, or beat you into caring. It is a choice you make when you finally realize the alternative path of spiritual death is far too painful to bear.

Like it or not, human beings are cooperative and social creatures, born with the drive to connect and care. Denying your true nature only leads to despair. It's good you're starting to recognize the real extent of your isolation and the need for more connection. While I appreciate that you're trying to learn from others through my blog, beware of misapplying ideas. Someone else's solution might not work for you when your underlying problem is different from theirs.

Many INFJs suffer Ti loop due to poor social skills. But different INFJs are bad at socializing for different reasons, so have you figured out what YOUR reasons really are? You seem to lack self-awareness probably due in large part to poor emotional awareness (something to work on), so you still haven't gotten to the bottom of what's really ailing you. It's very important to grasp the root cause(s) of the problem before you try to apply a solution, otherwise, you could end up with a string of negative results that only exacerbate apathy.

You need more connection, but when you try to connect with people through ego only, the relationship dynamic only ever revolves around the ego's many insecurities. The lower the level of ego development, the more insecurities a person tends to suffer from. Many people are at low levels of ego development and it means they're not "relationship-ready" because their insecurities too often become obstacles to connection. While the majority of people out there are decent humans, decency isn't always enough to make a person a great candidate for a close relationship. The question is: What makes a great candidate and are you one, with the ability to spot and attract other great candidates? Even when you meet the right people, you'll always have a hard time forming close relationships as long as you're not relationship-ready yourself and haven't properly addressed why.

What is the best way to fulfill the need for more connection? For most people, it is through interpersonal relationships. However, what you have yet to learn is that the most important relationship you need to attend to first is the one you have with your Self. Only when you are emotionally connected with your Self and honoring your spiritual needs can you have the right frame of mind to form meaningful connection with others. When people are emotionally connected with the Self, interpersonal relationships get easier, because the most sensitive and vulnerable parts of them are freed up to love and be loved wholeheartedly. The kindness, empathy, and perceptiveness that is needed for socializing successfully come out much more naturally when the Self has been released from the constraints of ego and its compulsion to control. Are you ready and willing to let go of the pretense and denial and finally allow your authentic Self to come to the fore and lead the way?

[mbti-notes]

Hi! I read your developmental pieces and I was wondering if and how it is possible that people remain at levels of 1-3 and somehow still “succeed” in life (“good” job, relationships, money etc). Is the hallmark of these levels not that people do not properly function? Can people at higher levels be worse off, if so, what may be reason? And also, can this “succeeding” make people more resistant to development? Infj. Thank you, love your work.

An agoraphobic person works from home, never goes out, and gets everything delivered to their front door. Are they “functional” or “dysfunctional”? A person stays in a loveless marriage for years, empty and lonely, but gets to tuck their kids in at night. Functional or dysfunctional? A child gang member quickly learns to kill or be killed. Functional or dysfunctional? A person maintains a job, some relationships, and financial security, but inexplicably suffers deep unhappiness. Functional or dysfunctional?

You use the word "functional" without understanding the complexity of the word. For some people, "functional" is already something to be proud of because it means that they are alive when they might easily be dead. In terms of psychological development, "functional" is the bare minimum. It is a very low bar to clear. Being "functional" means that you are able to survive in your given environment by doing what it requires of you to establish the appearance of being "fine" or “normal”. Nothing more. There is no real self-awareness in it.

You ask "Is the hallmark of these levels [1-3] not that people do not properly function?" No. You ask "Can people at higher levels be worse off?" No. Your questions indicate a fundamental misunderstanding of what psychological development is and what personal growth entails, and it ignores the significance of contextual factors (e.g. it’s a lot easier to be functional in some environments than others). It seems you presuppose that development is measured in large part by how "functional" a person is, which is incorrect. And this presupposition is often indicative of level 2 mindset that is mostly preoccupied with superficial appearances of success. Why do some people stay stuck at level 2? It depends on the person. For some, it is because they have not yet discovered the rewards of fitting in, while for others, it is because they cannot let go of the rewards of fitting in.

What is the purpose of your question? Are you asking for yourself, for someone else, for a book you're writing? I can't answer it because it is the wrong question to ask due to the incorrect presupposition. There are a lot of things that might contribute to a person being resistant to growth. You are speaking in the abstract instead of addressing what is causing YOU to be resistant to growth. This is counter-productive, as the purpose of learning about development is to spur honest self-reflection. Every person's case is unique because everyone has their own personal history, challenges, and circumstances to grapple with. Therefore, the generalizations that you’re asking for have very limited mileage. Psychological development is a complicated concept and the Type Dev Guide barely scratches the surface. But you won't get very far in development if you use abstraction to distance from the reality of your self-work, which is, incidentally, how some INFJs get to feeling stuck in life.

[mbti-notes]

About my ask (/post/180182666377/my-hard-won-depth-of-knowledge-helps-me). Can you, please, clarify? E.g. if I see that I did some mistake: I will be satisfied that I actually noticed it, because I was given a pointer on what to do to better myself, and then I'm satisfied that I'm working on it etc., and in the meantime I'm satisfied that my life goes as it goes? Does that mean I'll never feel discontent anymore when I'm at that stage of ego development? Thank you.

I’ve mentored a lot of people and though I try to be encouraging, I also have a good sense for when someone is trying to run before they can crawl. No matter how I explain with mere words what running is, you won’t be able to understand it when you barely have control over your arms, let alone your legs. You’re asking about the highest level of ego development when you’re only at the early stages. If you want to learn well, it isn’t useful to get ahead of yourself; in fact, the tendency to get ahead of oneself is a symptom of unconscious ego driven behavior in infjs. 

Keep reading

[mbti-notes]

Hi! I love your blog and your bright insights. I wonder if you could help me as I'm stuck in a loop for quite long time now. I'm really sick of myself and cannot stand myself anymore. :( So I'm an ENFJ in my early 20’s. Over half of a year ago I ended a toxic and abusive relationship, but two months ago I started meeting new guys online and decided I want to start dating again.

Unfortunately, the problem with me, which I see clearly, is that if only I get emotionally invested in something, I start thinking and acting in a manner that is destroying the relationship bonds – like I stop writing to a guy and then be mad at him that he’s not writing me as well, not ‘chasing me’, so I keep ignoring him, the contact stops, I feel bad and guilty, etc., etc.

Your Fe-Ti judgment process is incoherent due to being hijacked by unresolved emotions. If you stop writing someone, it is only logical for them to infer that you aren’t interested, which is exactly what you infer when someone stops writing to you. But then you make the illogical leap of blaming the other person when it was primarily you that caused them to lose interest by cutting off contact. This is self-sabotage. You are afraid of a failed relationship, so you (unconsciously) make sure that it fails before it even gets off the ground. You claim to be “aware” that this is immature, but are you? To be aware is to see through, and I don’t think you fully understand the problem, otherwise, you’d be able to solve it.

Unfortunately, even though I’m full aware of this immature way of thinking, I don’t have a skill set to change it, so I’m stuck. It’s very frustrating. I’m also overthinking a lot, which is also exhausting. Could you tell me how to change this mindset? Like, I would like to be more mature and not push anybody away. Which is also important in here, is that I'm probably afraid of acting too emotionally because I fear of being rejected. That's why when I start to like somebody more, I prefer to pull away than open up and risk being hurt (again). And even if I write this person after ignoring him, it would be probably a complaint and it would certainly push the person away, like I'm too needy or sth.

Here we get closer to the truth, but not all the way there.

Why are you so afraid of “acting too emotional”? Where does the fear of emotions come from? There’s nothing wrong with being emotionally invested in something - this is called “caring”, which is a normal human emotion. Would you rather go through life like an inanimate object, incapable of caring? There’s only something wrong when you try to deny being emotionally invested or try to convince yourself that you don’t care. Most people don’t understand that it is the attempt to deny your emotions that leads to them getting out of your control and then manifesting as negative/destructive behavior. Your approach to emotional life is fundamentally flawed because you blame your emotions as being the problem instead of treating them as important and legitimate. You don’t attend to your feelings and emotions properly, so they always remain unresolved and left to fester into something ugly. It is especially important to learn how to attend to your feelings and emotions when you still carry around pain and trauma from the past that colors your perception.

Do you understand Ti grip? If not, you have some studying to do, see the study guides. You say that you are afraid. Instead of addressing the fear directly, you try to push it away, because you hate feeling negative emotions, right? The more you try to push fear away, the louder it gets, because you’re not listening to the message embedded in the fear. The louder the fear gets, the more you try to suppress it via rationalization and making up dramatic stories (aka “overthinking”). The longer you fail to admit your fear and address it, the more fear hijacks your “overthinking” and mutates into stronger negative emotions like resentment or anger or jealousy. The more your negative feelings fuel negative thoughts and negative thoughts fuel negative feelings, the more confused you get as everything in the mind gets jumbled up around the growing ball of negative emotions. The more confused you get, the more incoherent your judgment process becomes. The more incoherent your judgment, the more you act out in destructive ways.

Yet, in the heat of the moment, you believe with full conviction that you understand the “facts” of the situation, not realizing that you just made up those ”facts” out of thin air in a lame attempt to find a scapegoat for your emotions. Thus, you forge full speed ahead with the acting out only to regret it once Fe revives and informs you that harm has been done. Then you feel guilty and ashamed for allowing your worst self to manifest, and you have yet more negative emotions to grapple with. When ENFJs cycle through Se loop and Ti grip often enough, the vicious cycle of self-loathing gets going and leads them into chronic feelings of low self-worth.

And what was the point of all that overthinking and acting out? The point was very simple: to do something about the fear. It is not a crime to fear; it is what you do in the face of fear that matters. Fear is a normal and useful emotion that alerts you to potential danger. Fear is sometimes warranted; fear is sometimes grossly exaggerated - you aren’t able to tell the difference because you don’t stop to reflect but immediately act out. 

When you are afraid, all you have to do is admit it and talk about it honestly and authentically. It doesn’t have to turn into a big mountain of incoherent bullshit. But you don’t address the fear, do you? You’re afraid of emotions, you’re ashamed of being afraid, you don’t want to look within at your own negativity because it makes you feel inferior / imperfect / unworthy / unlovable / <insert negative adjective that applies>. And that is the crux of the problem: you wrongly believe that experiencing negative emotions is equivalent to being a bad person, so you push them away (due to the fact that you equate negative emotions with bad or morally harmful behavior). As long as you hold this faulty belief, you won’t be able to accept your feelings and emotions and nurture a healthy emotional life. You have yet to learn that negative emotions don’t lead to bad behavior unless you fail to address them. 

What kind of romantic partner are you looking for? Are you looking for someone who will treat you well, dominate/control you, be critical of you, be cold to you? Be honest. If you’re looking for someone who will treat you well, then you’re looking for qualities like kindness, sensitivity, empathy? If you talk to such a person about your fear honestly, do you think they would react poorly? Being honest about your feelings is actually a great litmus test for a new relationship, as observing reactions will quickly filter out anyone that has an unhealthy emotional life and potentially lacks the empathy to treat you well. 

If you don’t want to open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you don’t know very well (like in the case of dating someone new), then, at the very least, talk to a friend, confidant, or therapist, such that you always have somebody to help you prevent Ti grip. As Fe dom, it’s important that you have someone to act as your voice of reason when you’re unable to do it for yourself. It’s up to you to develop enough self-awareness of the signs that Ti grip is coming and then STOP to address your feelings and emotions BEFORE you enter the process of overthinking and acting out. If you create opportunities to process your fear and insecurity appropriately, in a safe space, then it has no reason to escalate into harmful behavior. If you suffer from excessive fear and insecurity (”excessive” is defined as very disproportionate to the objective level of threat of the situation), then you have a deeper issue and should get professional help to root it out, especially if you suffer self-esteem or self-worth problems. Work on your emotional intelligence (there are already book suggestions on the resources page) as this is the “skillset” you’re looking for.

A wise person, upon meeting you and observing your negative behavior, would be able to see the underlying fear/insecurity and show compassion for your emotional struggles. A wise person understands that it is natural to fear pain and rejection, especially after experiencing mistreatment or abuse. Would you not empathize with someone who suffers from pain and trauma? Would you not see that they require patience and understanding to heal properly? Most people aren’t wise but rather superficial, so they’d judge your behavior as indicative of you being an immature, bratty, overdramatic, self-victimizing, needy, clingy, desperate person. A superficial person would quickly write you off as not worth it because they don’t understand what your negative behavior really means. Here’s the question: Are YOU a wise person or a superficial person? When you look upon yourself, do you show compassion or contempt? 

To have the wisdom to understand yourself requires Fe-Ni development in ENFJs (see the Type Dev guide); it requires the ability to see beyond the surface of people’s behavior and understand the underlying factors behind what is happening with them. The remedy to excessive or unwarranted shame and self-loathing isn’t to try to eliminate the “negative” such that you only show people what you think they want to see for garnering empty validations. The shame that stems from low self-worth is remedied with self-compassion. Self-compassion is a mandatory component of self-awareness, which is why I say that you aren’t truly “aware” of your problem as you claim, since self-compassion is entirely missing from what you wrote. You are aware that you behave with poor consequences, but you are not self-aware enough to understand the cognitive and emotional mechanisms of how the bad behavior manifests from deep within. Reflecting deeply requires Ni, and that is the remedy to Se loop.

Low self-worth (i.e. what you truly think about yourself) shows up in your behavior for all to see: in how you try to act like your feelings shouldn’t matter, in how you crave love but then can’t receive it, in how you don’t speak up for yourself except in passive-aggressive ways, in how you swallow mistreatment, in how you have to compulsively “test” people to see if they really love you, etc. If you treat yourself as broken and worthless, then that is the image you project to others regardless of any mask that you try to don. And people won’t hesitate to treat you like a piece of garbage when you feel undeserving of anything more. Don’t you want people to feel compassion for you, to understand the sensitive heart that fears rejection, to have patience for the struggles and the pain that you’ve suffered? Don’t you hope that people respond with empathy when you express your fears and insecurities? Well, first, you need to be able to show that empathy and compassion to yourself. You won’t be able to teach others to treat you kindly if you aren’t even able to treat yourself kindly. Instead of acting out in harmful attempts to force people to validate you, practice healthy self-compassion as a means to validate yourself. 

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Anon wrote: (700026129933860864) Thank you so much for your thorough response. I believe I am INFP, just in a grip, but am open to the possibility that I am mistyped.

Background info, brief due to limited space: my mother is ISFJ (I could not get her to take the test because she thinks of MBTI as horoscopes and personality types as destiny), but the people and society she has lived with have a very strong preference for Te. She unknowingly tries to find harmony (Fe) with people (e.g. my father) by strongly and again unknowingly trying hard to talk the Te talk. So I (& my siblings; I am the only one with Te in my stack - I have always played the "parent" role in my family) was raised with emphasis on Te (raised to be in a grip?), even envy because no one actually used Te "well". Mixed in are Confucian values (being Chinese) - repeatedly told that deviation from my mother's values = not filial, = betraying her by not working towards "rich and successful" to avenge on my father for mistreating her.

At school and work - can't claim I did this very often, but whenever I did mention I like to write or show my little poems or drawings, etc., I was laughed at or just told "you have no talent". (Thinking back, what can one expect in an AP math class or a cut-throat Manhattan office?) I learned to hide my (N to a certain extent) FP and act out my best rendition of (S)TJ - the better I could build a financial model, organize a project or analyze in a transactional manner a business decision, the more external recognition I got, the more career progression I got, and the more I hid my (N)FP. All done with a price of mental distress - your guides describe what I experienced very accurately.

Analogy: though left-handed, I was told since young that only right hand is "good"; the more I got rewarded, the better I got at using it. But I had to expend a lot of extra energy using my right hand, and actually, subconsciously don't believe it and even hate myself for it. Unaware of this until ~10 years ago, I have been struggling with "shedding the baggage" (habits, reward, self-esteem, etc.) associated with using my right hand while also realizing my left hand has gotten rusty due to lack of practice. Socially, I have close to no support or understanding for “coming out” as FP because my family's culture hasn't changed, and the “identity” I have with my "friends" (almost all from work) has been constructed from the TJ they have known me as (or they don't want to hear about FP "soft feeling" stuff). I.e. I feel highly not integrated.

As you wrote: I have "immense difficulty staying true to myself." I have attempted to remove obstacles as your wrote, but keep faltering: left my formal business positions a few years ago, but keep interviewing when jobs are proposed to me and doing freelance business projects but not enjoying them; entered a formal creative writing program but constantly fighting in my head (how do I get published, what kind of competitions or social media presence could help me gain recognition, vs. writing isn't about this, I need to learn to enjoy the act of writing, etc.) and also disappointed that many of my classmates aren't that "pure and passionate" with their pursuit of writing. (These are generalizations and probably made a bit extreme to convey the points with little space.) I haven't lived with my mother since college, but every so often would stay with her for a few months to take care of her.

Follow-up questions: I agree with your 2 & 3 about my inability to distinguish values, traits, introspect/interrogate, etc. I understand their definitions, and can even explain to others. But when I read your sentence, I felt a visceral reaction, a small panic in my stomach that flashed "oh, I have absolutely no idea how to define each of these for myself."

Do you understand that you're essentially saying you don't have dominant Fi at all? While chronic inferior grip does happen, it is rare, and not what you think it looks like. Te grip does NOT accurately encapsulate your problems. It seems you are operating on some misconceptions or gaps in knowledge. I don't consider it my job to convince people about their type because it's none of my business. Purely as a courtesy, I say something whenever I believe people may be mistyped, but it's up to them to sort it out for themselves. Unless you decide to submit a thorough type assessment by carefully following the instructions on the contact page, I won't discuss tips for function development. Some people get deeply convinced of the wrong type and it does them no good in the long run. Time and time again, I've seen such individuals lock themselves into the wrong self-image and it actively prevents them from gaining the self-awareness they require for personal growth. I strongly suspect you are one of these individuals.

(I often tend to run my analytical mind on turbo on whatever problem I encounter - I have been practicing mindfulness with my therapist, to get to my feelings and body sensations before my analytical side jumps out and "takes over".)

You are correct to identify this as a significant obstacle. However, this is NOT an INFP problem and even helps rule out INFP. If you believe it is easy for INFPs to block out feelings, lose touch with body sensation, and find comfort in intellectualization, then you don't know what it means to be INFP. This problem more likely indicates that T is your tertiary function (not the inferior function). You use "analysis" as an unconscious defense mechanism against uncomfortable feelings and emotions, indicating that F is the auxiliary function that is poorly developed (not the dominant function). If you are indeed N, then logic dictates that there are only two possibilities: ENFP and INFJ. If you are perhaps not N, then you'd have to consider ESFP and ISFJ as well. Given the scattered evidence I've processed, IMO, any of these four types would fit you better than INFP at this point.

So, what can I do to start learning how to distinguish them? I couldn’t find a better way of asking this question as they all sound simplistic, rhetorical, or too close/open-ended. E.g. I know it’s not reading books that describe these concepts, so I can’t say “could you suggest a reading list.” It's also not “get CBT as opposed to general talk therapy” or “do meditation” as it’s not a simple prescription that will help me.

For your 4 - I have indeed tried to visualize my positive potential but just could not - as you said, the obstacles have not been removed yet. As mentioned, I have tried to remove what I know as obstacles, but I discovered they leave holes that I don't know with what/how to fill. E.g. Leaving my business career means I don't get the adrenaline from all the action daily and the external recognition to (unhealthily) hold up self-esteem. But without the adrenalin and movement, I feel I have lost all triggers/forces and momentum to take actions on a daily basis (depressive tendencies), only feel inertia, and also have not learned to give value to self-recognition. How do I create a break/what does one look like to overcome what seems like a chicken-and-egg relationship between removing obstacles and positive visualization, to get out of the vicious and enter a virtuous cycle?

These are problems to work on with your therapist. There's not much more I can say without your true type. The advantage of knowing your type is that it provides a roadmap to guide you. Without that roadmap, it is much more difficult to reach down to the root causes of your problems. Getting in touch with your feelings and emotions is a very important thing to do because they are generally an important source of self-knowledge (especially in cases where it would aid auxiliary F development). You should keep working on it. The deeper problem seems to be that you really don't know yourself because you basically have no identity of your own. Whatever identity you possess has been cobbled together through the process of internalizing the judgments of everyone around you. Over and over, you've chosen to give in to social pressures to put on flimsy masks or false ideals and be someone you're not. You are, in a sense, very addicted to social validation in many forms. According to what I've observed in people with this problem, they can't kick the addiction because they're unable/unwilling to face up to very deep-seated fears about what their life would look like without it - perhaps that's a place to start. In other words, they benefit too much from denying who they are to ever want to stop. You keep saying you're in pain/distress, but perhaps it's not yet painful/distressful enough for you to grasp the full cost of self-denial and finally see the benefits of stopping.

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Hi! I'm asking for your help in how to completely let go of old beliefs? I've had this belief for a very long time (prob. due to growing up in a very unhealthy atmosphere, but not sure) that I have no right to exist if someone is mad at me, or judges me or rejects me, etc. I read some things on your blog and it helped me to really notice it in me, but the reflexes are still there, and I feel awful as though the pain will never end. It affects me physically (duodenal ulcer). (INFP). Thank you <3.

Were you the one who corrected the type to INFJ? If so, the basic problem is that you have bad moral judgment due to poorly developed Fe. You conflate a person’s worth with social approval, therefore, you think a person has no worth as long as they aren’t approved of. Think of it this way: Would you say that every famous person in the world is a great person? Would you say that every admired celebrity is indeed a person of great moral character? Would you say that a person with only a few friends is necessarily a bad person? To think like that would be oversimplistic. Yet, these are the logical moral judgments you must make when you believe that a person’s worth is derived from superficial social rewards. When you have the wrong moral values, you make the wrong moral judgments of yourself and others.

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I'm an INFP but I also look for personal meaning. In this specific area, could you explain the differences between Ni and the functions that I'm possibly using?

All introverted functions want personal meaning but in different forms. Si looks for personal meaning through finding familiarity in the world. Ni looks for personal meaning through finding purpose in long term vision. Ti looks for personal meaning through clarifying knowledge and building competence. Fi looks for personal meaning through individual experiences and personal values. All introverts reconfigure information about the world, interpreting it through their own personal frameworks.

Fi-Ne: INFPs seek meaning through exploring many possibilities in the world that they see as being congruent with their own values. They look for opportunities to express their individuality and values and go wherever the possibilities lead them.

Ni-Fe: INFJs seek meaning and purpose through actualizing a singular vision of the future that produces the kind of world they believe is best. They want to understand one ultimate unified truth about the world and use it to find personal direction; they will feel very uncomfortable if they cannot find that one true path to follow.

From the outside, these two motivations may appear similar but, cognitively, they are not, which is why INFPs and INFJs often mistype as each other.

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Hello! Are there signs to look for when developing functions that you may have mistyped and are developing things in the wrong order? I've been struggling with my type off and on for about six years now due to terrible self awareness, and while I believe I know it now, I'm a bit concerned about accidentally falling into a loop or a grip because I mistyped myself. Are there ways to tell if you are working on a function out of order before it goes that far?

The signs = all the many ways that people misuse and abuse their functions. However, people with low self-awareness are largely unable to detect misuse of their functions. That’s why I’ve provided general info about healthy vs unhealthy functions for people to use as a reference point. It’s not a crime to make mistakes with loop and grip - it’s par for the course. The main point is that you have to be able to learn from your mistakes over time, and it’s hard to do that when you’re not even aware of them in the first place and thereby allow problems to snowball. This is why I emphasize, over and over again, that you should always reflect on your intentions before you do something so that you don’t do it for the wrong reasons and then get smacked by negative results.

Generally speaking, it’s easy for me to tell when someone is on the wrong track because they either cannot produce any convincing evidence of using the functions that they claim to be using (i.e. mistyped) or their use of the function is defensive/compensatory and even decreases their self-awareness (i.e. wrong function order). In either case, the end result is the same in that their attempts at type development won’t get anywhere - nothing really “clicks” for them and no significant self-insight is ever achieved. Perhaps they keep making the same error over and over again, which is usually a great way to spot tertiary loop.

When your self-awareness is so low that you aren’t even able to know your type, then proceed with the guidance of an expert. I understand the impulse to want to do self-improvement on your own. However, is it wise for you to proceed alone? You have to face facts and admit that you need help when you don’t know what you’re doing, if only to ensure that you don’t harm yourself, in the same way that you wouldn’t try to fix a machine without any knowledge of mechanics. Psychology is very complex, as well as fragile in many ways, so be careful about damaging your well-being. 1) Get proper help with doing a thorough type assessment. 2) Solicit continual feedback from people who know how to use a function well in order to ensure that you’re on the right track.

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I've read that one of the differences between INFP and INFJ is that INFPs seek validation while INFJs seek understanding. Could you expound on this? Thank you!

Validation means to have one’s worth acknowledged. Fe and Fi both need validation but in different forms.

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Hi! In what way would it be problematic for someone who mistype themselves as, for example INFP when they are INFJ? Both types need to develop the N and F function, so in what way is it an obstacle? What happens in this case, when an INFJ (or whatever type) try to develop an auxiliary function that goes in the opposite direction? Asking out of curiosity and so that I can grasp the theory better.

You make it sound like details don’t matter. Using your logic, why not go all the way and say that every type has to develop S, N, T, F functions, so just do it any way you like, in any order you like?

Type dynamics is explained in the study guides. In my view, recognizing the correct position of the functions is vital to the success of personality development. The functional stack order optimizes the growth of self-awareness. If the goal of type development is to learn how to be fully and authentically yourself, mistyping yourself is a direct impediment to that goal. 

The e and i are very important because they indicate opposition. The right amount of psychological challenge spurs on growth, but too much psychological tension, contradiction, and conflict has a negative impact on well-being. For example:

An INFP mistyped as INFJ trying to develop “auxiliary Fe” would effectively sever their connection to dominant Fi, which in turn would leave them highly susceptible to inferior Te grip problems. If they tried to develop “dominant Ni”, it would counter the Ne development that is essential for their growth. It might exacerbate their existing Si loop problems by producing an even more dire and pessimistic vision of the future to discourage them.

An INFJ mistyped as INFP trying to develop “auxiliary Ne” would effectively sever their connection to dominant Ni, which in turn would leave them highly susceptible to inferior Se grip problems. If they tried to develop “dominant Fi”, it would counter the Fe development that is essential for their growth. It might exacerbate their existing Ti loop problems by drowning them even deeper into their sea of dark rumination.

BTW, this is not really “theory”. I didn’t learn it from a book. Like a broken record, I warn people against developing the wrong function because I have observed case after case of people suffering miserably from it.

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Manipulative Behavior

Some notes about how to spot and avoid manipulative relationships.

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Could you advice on how to properly receive love? I am entj and rarely be in relationship. I notice that whenever someone likes me,I'd always push them away so they'd leave me alone. I am afraid I have intimacy problem. To be noted, I have always been loved for what I have done (accomplishment) so I never show my vulnerability side. There is a person who likes me and being so kind and I blame myself everyday for not being able to be nice back to him. I might like him too,it hurts when I hurt him

To love someone involves accepting someone for who they are and appreciating the whole of them, good and bad. Therefore, to receive someone’s love involves allowing them in, making yourself emotionally available and fully visible to them. It follows then that the underside of love is that you open yourself up to the risk of being judged, rejected, or hurt by the person you most want affirmation from. You can’t have only the good side of anything; gaining something important always involves risking something important.

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Anon wrote: INFJ here. One thing that I dislike about myself is that I am really avoidant and shy. I can’t stand my ground or defend myself or others. I either doubt my rightfulness or worry about the other party yelling, beating me or overreacting. 

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