1. do you ever want to live alone (without flatmates) for a period of your life?
i’m not sure if i could manage going without proper, daily human interaction for a prolonged time; even though I tend to avoid most people, i still need to be touched, to be talked to from time to time. honestly, i would go crazy within the first few weeks, if not days.
i would need someone to be there, at least every few days, to check on me, to check that i go outside, that i live and not just am.
2. do you think it can ever be a good thing to change for someone else?
if somebody truly wants to change for someone else, i don’t think that is ever a bad thing. there is no difference in changing who you are for your own sake, or for someone you hold dear, because in that moment, it is the right decision for you, and you’re doing it as much for yourself as you do if for anybody else. but really, at some point you’ll started wondering if you’re changing yourself for your benefit or if you’re doing it for the approval of someone else, and what that means about you.
in my personal experience, i want a certain someone to help me figure out who I really want to be, because I know that if that person is happy with who I am, then I don't need anyone else's approval but my own.
3. do you have pets and if so tell me a bit about them
I have a few pets, none of which i have seen in a while because of the distance my studies have brought between me and the place i used to call my home. A cat, a family horse, a few fish... All of them have some sort of illness, but i am hoping to see them again and again, each time i go visit my family. i miss them more than my people, if i’m being honest...
what i miss most about them is the company, the silent understanding that i like to believe we had, the just being around each other for the sake of being around each other, not necessarily to gain any tangible benefit - but then again, who knows.
oh, and my plants. do my plants count? i’ve been talking to them, and i like to think that they understand me. i’m proud of them for growing this quick, this tall, this beautiful.
4. what inspires you to be creative?
music, the sunset, good stories and often boredom, but if i’m really being honest here, its one specific person. they know that they are the one making me go and write lengthy poems, literature, write letters or draw pictures, paintings and do my best to make something i - and that person - can be proud of.
5. what are you most scared of regarding the future?
everything. im scared about failing the studies i chose, scared about the path i took, scared about the few relationships with people that i have... but im scared the most about having no real plan. i don’t know what people do, but everyone seems to - or at least pretends to - have a plan for their life, at least their most immediate future, and i don’t even know if i’m going out of the house today.
people tell me that i found the right study for myself, people tell me i will have a great future doing what i like, but honestly? i don’t have the slightest idea what im doing. ive never really confessed to this, but i chose this study because my friend was interested in it and told me “hey, you like that, right? it’s right up our alley!”, and that was it. Yes, its interesting, but... i have so much that i am interested in, i can’t really tell if this is what i want to do the rest of my life. i can’t tell if i will be satisfied, and especially can’t tell if this will be a success, if i will be able to be on my own, providing for myself and maybe a family... Anyway, i am rambling. to clear it up: the future itself scares me, because it is so uncertain.
6. do you prefer drawing/painting or writing?
Right now, definitely drawing. i have got into a rhythm with participating in inktober, i would go insane if i didn’t do it every day, which is why it is easy for me. i am blackmailing myself into drawing, but i like it.
then again, i never really had a preference, it is simply what works more easily at the time, which is drawing for right now. might change, this blog might be resurrected at some point, filled again with poetry and ramblings, but today, i draw.
7. if you had to choose between reading and watching, what would you choose?
reading. not because i prefer it, i really prefer neither of them, but because i feel like i never really get to read anymore. that is, i never do it. i would love to, but i just don’t, because i haven’t done it in so long, and i would feel incredibly bad picking up the habit of reading again and then seeing how much i’ve missed, how much i lost in the time i didn’t. choosing reading would force me to read again, and i would love to do it, i’m just not strong enough right now.
8. do you think you can choose your own family?
definitely. there is nothing stopping you from making your own family, leaving old bonds behind and in the past, and creating your own future.
9. what is something you wish you had known one year ago?
the answer to the question above. that who i am with is a proper choice, not just a happenstance, that i can choose between people and not be hated by everyone for my choice - even if that sometimes is still a possibility, i now prefer hate over false friendship - and that whatever i do, the people around me are only around me because i let them, because i want them to be.
10. what is your dream destination for a vacation?
i feel like most people would give generic answers like New York, the seaside, a snowy hut or similar things, but for me none of those answers are true - none at all, to be honest, no location in general. for me the dream destination is not dependent on the destination itself, but the dream vacation would be depending on the person that is by my side.
11. what’s one word you associate with me?
affection. appreciation. respect. trust. friendship. passion.
mostly, love.
