Shan Studies @shansydea-blog - Tumblr Blog

(Studying makes me hungry.) . I can't seem to enjoy anything. Every second could be spent revising Anatomy or Physiology, because I'm one hundred and ten percent sure I'm gonna be retaking the exam this winter. And every time I come across something that they asked in the exams, and realise that I know nothing and wonder what I'd written in the answers, I'm more convinced that they're gonna fail me. Not studying has me panicking. Studying has me panicking. Do I not deserve any kind of peace? . And gurl has this account become more personal than my own personal account. I never thought I'd post my food pictures of all the stuff on here. Like...they're not that good, I am in NO WAY a food blogger, that was just a stupid thing I started on tumblr and now I can't seem to stop photographing (and not very good at that too) stuff I make. And, why am I narrating tales from my personal life (thank God my anonymity has been kept preserved so far, unlike other times)? What has this account become? What WAS this account made for in the first place? What do I want this account to be? What do *I* want to be? . Who would have imagined a shot of a banana and walnut milkshake would have lead to an existential crisis in the caption?

Cinnamon in everything is now my motto. #Breakfast #pancakes #cinnamon #papaya #shanpostsfoodpictures

#papaya #pancakes #cinnamon #shanpostsfoodpictures #breakfast

My previous post reminded myself of a recent incident. So my dad got me these chocolates from abroad for Eid, and when we were at our family home for Eid I kept them in the fridge in the kitchen common to the entire huge house, with several people coming and going, including a lot of help my mother hired for a couple of days because cooking during such a time is not meant for one person. I wanted to save them for later and then share them with everyone (by everyone I mean my family, and not everyone in the house), while I'd told everyone that they shan't dare even touch the boxes. On the second day my brother came back from outside and came upstairs to where our rooms were and told me that he saw someone eating my chocolates, and I dropped everything I'm doing and ran downstairs to the fridge. I waited months to have these chocolates, and even after getting them it took everything I had in me not to devour them right away and save them for a special time to share with everyone. And there was some unwelcomed person just casually popping them into their mouth like tic tacs! By the time I get there, there are three chocolates left, and two boxes emptied. I was furious, and so mad at everyone, at myself, at everything. I couldn't stop cursing the one who'd eaten my chocolates, fueled by my righteous indignation. And when my dad tried to console me by telling me that it would probably get me hasana (reward) for sharing something dear to me, it angered me even further, believe it or not. I was absolutely livid, all I saw was red, and I couldn't stop myself, and I ended up saying this one thing that I regret the most even till this day (the people weren't very well to do) that it would probably be the only good thing they'd ever get to eat for whatever's remaining of their miserable lives. . Soon all that frustration and indignation was replaced by self-loathing and disgust. I couldn't believe how I'd behaved. The chocolates weren't a petty matter (chocolates are never a petty matter to me) but surely I could have found in me to let what had happened just be. The fridge was open to everyone and it'd been my fault to keep it there in the first place. Secondly, I had...

#todayinthelifeofshan Went grocery shopping on a tight budget. It was really hard not picking up everything we usually buy. If we didn't need something the next three days, even though we'd need it this week or after that, we had to pass. I made the poor cashier total the bill three different times because the total kept going past my bank balance, as stingy as I was being. A hard and humbling experience. . It made me think about how fortunate and blessed I am, that my family running on our end-of-the-month-ration money could still get us enough to prepare whole meals and still give us snacks and desserts though not as filling as other times, while there are several others who must live on such a budget and even much smaller ones for a large part of their lives. I plan to buy the things I couldn't afford at the time next week after payday, but there are others who can't see themselves spending 'freely' any week at all. I believe it's very important that we see our blessings and be grateful to God, and do our best to extend our good fortune and share a part of it with those in need. Two can live on a plate for one. #groceryshopping #broke #morallessonsinashoppingtrip #helpingothers #lovethyneighbor #alhamdulillah

#groceryshopping #lovethyneighbor #alhamdulillah #broke #helpingothers #todayinthelifeofshan #morallessonsinashoppingtrip

When I checked the time after I'd woken up and found to my surprise that it was early, quite early for me to rise on my own without an alarm clock or someone else waking me up, I knew that something was wrong. Sure enough, as soon as I got out of bed, I felt period pains like I'd never felt in years, and for the next hour I was throwing up. I'd never experienced PMS this bad, not even during the first months after my menarche. . I have this theory that whenever I tend to be emotionally withdrawn or unfazed by something, or when I don't respond to something I should, it gets internalised and takes effect on my physical health. During exams I procrastinate and think of all kinds of distractions to help with the stress intead of facing it and studying, and in the mean time my digestive system is turned upside down (not literally, of course). When something disturbs me or someone close to me greatly I appear collected and calm in the face of the situation but then when I'm left alone I can't breathe sometimes, and feel as though my heart would go into an overdrive and stop working all of a sudden. And these few days while I occupied myself with all sorts of things to keep me from worrying about my results, while I kept my feelings emotions locked away during the time of the month they're normally supposed to be let loose, this happens. The worst PMS I've experienced so far. . Been lying in bed all day catching up on some old BBC dramas and might even rewatch a few absolute favourites later. #bingewatching #miniseries #lazyday #pms #thattimeofthemonth #cravings #cramps #whyisthishappeningtome #takeabreak #mentalhealth #happymindhappybody

#lazyday #bingewatching #cramps #miniseries #happymindhappybody #pms #cravings #thattimeofthemonth #whyisthishappeningtome #takeabreak #mentalhealth

Went out of the house for the first time in days.

Did something I haven't done in a while. #baking #cinnamonrolls #homemade #todayinthelifeofshan #shanstudies

#homemade #shanstudies #baking #cinnamonrolls #todayinthelifeofshan

That's my brother's! . Can't believe it's been four days since my last post. Thankfully I'm better than I was four days ago. I still keep thinking about what happened but much of that 'I wish I'd studied better' feeling has gone because well, nothing I can do about it now. The thing with one of the professors still haunts me, though the embarrassment from fumbling in front of the professors has nearly dissipated. I'm okay with failing, because I feel like I'll have a much better shot at bettering my score by studying and re-taking the exams in two months. (But will I actually study again?) I can't get myself to enjoy at all. I sleep in and cook recreationally and spend time with my siblings, but the 'vacation me' is not going to come out any time soon. Every time I think of reading a book from my long list of to-read, or watch a show from my long list of to-watch, my conscious reminds me how terrible I was the past month, and how I have a second chance to redeem myself and get those perfect grades (well, anything that's not a failing grade will do for this year). I've moved on, and I'm ready to ready myself to face whatever's coming for me.

I didn't even WANT to take pictures on the journey. (You read that right.) I lost my apetite and couldn't eat even half of my plate during dinner, even after it being the first time I'm eating proper food in days (and any food in thirty six hours). I can't fall asleep, even though I'm tired as heck and I'm in my room on my own much much comfortable bed where I've wanted to return to for so long. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm back home with the people I love but my mind is still back at school where certain events took place with the staff that could cause me to be failed this year. And I can't stop thinking about how one of the Physiology assistant professors told us that thirty students had been failed in Anatomy. THIRTY. Out of two hundred. Which means one in every eighteen students has failed. And that's just in Anatomy. The departments have all decided to take their anger from certain unavoidable fallacies this year and be absolutely ruthless during our finals. And none of my classmates deserve any of this, because nothing that went wrong was of their fault at all. But me? I deserve to fail. I'd avoided any kind of studying or academic related activity for literal months, and in addition to that went totally AWOL for two months without an explanation. I wasn't even supposed to be allowed to write these finals because my attendance was so low, but I guessed they overlooked it while issuing out the hall tickets and it wasn't really that big a deal. But now I'm sure they're going to take one look at my attendance and fail me. On second thought, I guess they won't even have to look at my attendance to fail me, with the way I'd performed in these exams. I've accepted that it's inevitable, and I ought to stop worrying about it and constantly thinking about it but...I just can't, no matter how hard I try. #todayinthelifeofshan #shanstudies #examstress #medicalschool #cantstopworrying

#todayinthelifeofshan #examstress #cantstopworrying #medicalschool #shanstudies

This bar of chocolate is my first bite of food since yesterday night. I keep telling myself that I won't skip sleep or skip food, but I keep doing it anyway, all the time. No wonder I was such a mess today morning. I couldn't even say the classification of anaemia. When I first saw my questions I was delighted because I'd studying the exact same ones the night before. But then when the time for the oral viva came, I was mumbling through a string of unrelated words. It wasn't hard to sense that the examiners were really unimpressed with me. And I got into a huge mess I got into with the professors today (long story for another time). . On my way home on a bus (with a male passenger beside me who keeps hogging up more than his share of space and music blaring through the speakers), and it's supposed to take longer than usual because of traffic outside the city. I'm too tired to even be hungry anymore. I haven't slept in more than forty hours and I can feel my mind run out of its reserves of sanity, but I can't fall asleep because today's horrible experiences keep replaying in my head. . I hope at least staring out the window on the journey makes me feel better. #donewithexams #medschool #medstudent #medicine #exam #exams #examstress #examseason #college #collegelife #medicalschool #medicalstudentlife #medicalstudent #finals #finalsweek #anatomy #physiology #biochemistry #practicalexams #blog #blogging #photography #shanstudies

...on the bright side, I now have this entire desk to myself. I so enjoy living alone. #livingalone #lastexam #respiratoryexam #clinicalexam #guytonandhall #physiology #medschool #medstudent #medicine #medico #exam #exams #examstress #examseason #college #collegelife #medicalschool #medicalstudentlife #medicalstudent #mbbs #india #anatomy #anatomyexam #finals #practicalexams #practicals #finalsweek #anatomy #anatomyandphysiology #physiology #biochemistry #blog #blogging #photography #amateurphotography #studentblogger #studygram #shanstudies

...on the bright side, I now have this entire table all to myself. I so enjoy living alone. #livingalone #lastexam #stethoscope #guytonandhall #respiratoryexam #clinicalexam #physiology #medschool #medstudent #medicine #medico #exam #exams #examstress #examseason #college #collegelife #medicalschool #medicalstudentlife #medicalstudent #mbbs #anatomy #finals #finalsweek #anatomy #physiology #biochemistry #anatomyandphysiology #blog #blogging #photography #amateurphotography #studentblogger #shanstudies

All my roommates left after their last exam today, leaving me staring at my books and wishing I could fast-forward through tomorrow's exam and get to the part where I too get to pack my things and lock everything and leave. . All because my name begins with an S. .

Finally managed to go to a wedding.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Shan Studies