more ideas, please.

small victories. whole truths. borrowed inspirations. endless beginnings.

[shaoch]

This blog has become a space for mostly venting, non sequitor rambling, and existential crises 😅. Feel free to stay, but also check out my new blog, which is focused on personal projects, travel, and more cohesive thoughts. 🙂

Thanks for following!

[shaoch]

Found blog post - 2015

I found this 2015 look back I never posted. Complex feelings reading it now and seeing how far I’ve come, especially comparing this to my 2016 blog post (http://shaoch.tumblr.com/post/155016801635/2016). Thought I’d post it here for safe keeping, just the way I had written it then - raw and unedited, with no closure.

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Looking back before looking forward

If I had to characterize 2015, it was truly a year of learning and coming into my own. Not only did I turn 30, but there were also number of personal and professional milestones, for better or for worse.

While new years are all about resolutions, I think it's worth taking a moment to look back on 2015:

I had my heart broken for real. I never realized how many songs were about love until the breakup, and suddenly I could relate to all the sad ones, the ones that felt over the top before. I realized how universal of an experience heartbreak is, and in a way I'm glad I got to share in that very human experience.

I found ways to get through the days that were hardest. I'd never been in such a dark place. The number of those days slowly decreased over time. In the end, only time was able to heal the wound, but I also found yoga, one of the best things to come of 2015. I advanced leaps and bounds over where I started at the beginning of the year, and even traveled to Belize to practice yoga.

I became a manager. I wondered what that meant and how I would know if I was any good at it. I wondered how long i should give it before giving up on it, or knowing if I would know if I liked it. About 8 months into it, I did know, and I liked it. I also had enough validation to know I was good at it. Believe it or not, learning to be a good manager also helped me become a better family member and friend.

I actually stopped believing in love. I forgot what it felt like to be excited about someone. I may not know what it feels to find the right one but I know what it feels like to settle.

I learned that the easiest way to be happy is to prioritize the people who prioritize you. I remember the pangs and the jealousy that causes me to keep my guard up and not get too close to anyone.

I let myself make bad decisions, as long as I know they are bad.

[shaoch]

Why is happiness so fleeting? I get bored easily, and that boredom is what pushes me to keep exploring and finding new challenges. But sometimes I wish it weren't so hard to be content..

[shaoch]

Trudeau, save me

I feel like I don’t have permission to be happy. With all the racism, sexism, lower case kkk-ism being perpetuated in America, it feels like enjoying myself would be irresponsible. The worst part about it is that I don’t know how to do anything about it. Yes I know anyone can make a difference - I can protest, donate, make phone calls - but at the end of the day, I really am at a loss as to how this problem can be solved.

Between this negative energy, the constant rain, and stress at work, my mood has been so out of whack. I’m ready to escape to Canada!

[shaoch]

"We come into this world alone, and we die alone." I've come to understand this stoic statement of my father's much more lately. While I'm not sure his interpretation is this way, I see it as less depressing, more empowering now. I alone can create the life I want to live, so that I have no regrets when I die.

[shaoch]

endless beginnings.

This is place I go when my heart needs a little love. 

I have no regrets. whatever happens, happens. 

[shaoch]

Anger

It was gone as quickly as it appeared

Beware words spoken may not be true

A hard lesson to learn when TRUST clouds judgment

Remember that it’s best to rely on thyself

And harder now to be vulnerable.

Does love exist?

[shaoch]

2016

wow, 2016 is going to be a hard year to beat. even though the world went to shit in a lot of ways, it was a personal best for me. 

I have a recurring new years resolution to visit 1 new country and 1 national park each year. This year I: 

- Traveled to Korea, Taiwan, Canada, Argentina and Peru, adding 3 new countries to the tally. 

- Visited Jasper, Banff, Iguazu Falls, Macchu Picchu, and Yosemite national parks. 

- Within the US I went to Portland, Vail, New York, and Las Vegas. 

At work I got promoted, launched a new function, and also took on a new team, tripling the number of my direct reports. I’m happier at work than I’ve ever been. 

I finally moved out of a 7 year rental and bought a condo in San Francisco (this line item could be an essay in itself). 

I lost some weight (“some” because I don’t have a scale lol), got in shape, learned how to do a bunch of yoga inversions and am happy with my body.

I actually found someone I want to date… and I think we might be dating (the fact that it’s a question proves that some things never change). 

The best part of 2016 though isn’t that I accomplished a checklist of items (some of which I didn’t know were in the stars at the beginning of the year), it’s that I feel like I might just have reached that place at the top of Maslow’s pyramid known as self-actualization. For a while I couldn’t even comprehend the meaning behind that elusive state, but now I can feel it: I’m exactly where I want to be.  

So much of my life has been spent searching - for material things, for belonging, for friends, for lovers, for affirmation, for the right job. At times I knew something was missing but I didn’t know what it was.

Right now, I’m exactly where I want to be. Thank you for that 2016. You’ve set the bar high for 2017. 

[shaoch]

my “type”

as expected, my type has evolved over the years. I feel like in my 30s I finally have clarity on who I want on my team. instead of tall, dark and handsome, now I realize I need someone who: 

- can keep up with me 

- isn’t intimidated by me

- and that I can respect. 

it remains to be seen if this is too much to ask, but one thing I do know for sure is that I don’t need anyone. finding a great partner would be the cherry on top. 

[shaoch]

Happiness is fleeting, and harder to recognize in the moment than when it’s gone. I’ve learned this the hard way and felt far too many times nostalgic for a time that passed. I am grateful for the happiness that’s real now; I’ve wanted in every moment to get the most out of life, and I couldn’t ask for more. ❤️

[shaoch]

Gilmore

I’ve always been a fan of the Gilmore Girls - hell, I named my flute and piccolo after Lorelai and Rory - and I just finished watching the Netflix revival. Man is it refreshing to see the producers bring Rory back in her 32 year old self, unmarried, path uncharted. I just had the realization that I’m no longer 30 (as I just had a birthday) and I can honestly say that being in my 30s has been the best year from all perspectives and most fun I’ve ever had. I couldn’t ask for more from life. I realized that I have to recognize when I’m happy in the moment because it’s always easier to remember when I’m happy in the past - and here, right now is full acknowledgement that I am HAPPY, which is my one goal in life.

Thanks Gilmore girls for showing the world that 30 doesn’t have to mean married with kids. ❤️

[shaoch]

When it rains it pours

since I’ve been single I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be on a roller coaster of emotions since I get to be in control of my emotions all of the time (so nice).

Today, I’m riding the roller coaster for work and personal reasons, and it’s rough…when it rains, it pours.

[shaoch]

Told myself to be productive tonight…then I drank a bottle of wine

[shaoch]

A little baffled

...by the world as of late. Between a mind blowing talk on the universe last week, the Orlando tragedy on Sunday, and coming to terms that trump is actually running for president, it's hard to feel believe reality. On the personal side of things, I'm having trouble understanding myself, as odd as it sounds. I feel...closed off to people in my life, both friends and new acquaintances, and I seem to have misplaced my intrinsic motivation. I think it's time to introduce a new routine in my life that doesn't require being glued to my phone - perhaps meditation or a creative outlet... to be continued.

[shaoch]

My mental space feels disorganized. Kinda like: Avocado toast Lint roller Work Hungryyy Bitmoji Lulus Workkk Nature You don't gotta go to work work work work Zzzzzz

[shaoch]

The least you could do is ask me how I feel.

[shaoch]

Deja vu

History repeats itself... In increments of 15 months for me, as it turns out. January 2015: get promoted, go to Asia, go through a break up April 2015: get promoted, go to Asia, go through a break up I'm won't be going to Asia next July, that's for sure. And the jet lag is a bitch.