probably overthinking everything

Learning what's me and what isn't

[shaynmothman]

Setting expectations

In my last post, I introduced the idea behind creating this blog: I want to share what it's like to learn how to "adult" as someone with CPTSD. Especially, what it's like when you're a multicultural person moving from rural Hawaii to a city in North America.

You might resonate with this blog if...

You have CPTSD or a history of relational abuse

You're multicultural / multiracial and struggle to find your own place within your cultures

You struggle with dissociation because of a dysregulated nervous system

You've made the choice to move from a rural place to the city

You feel like you didn't have the chance to experience a normal childhood, teenage years, or your 20s, so now you're figuring it all out in your 30s

You've ever felt like you're the only one going through the struggles you're facing

If any of this feels like you, then stay tuned. You might find more of yourself in the stories to come.

[shaynmothman]

Hello World

When I left Kauai back in January, I thought to myself, "I want to start a blog and share my story as it unfolds." I was embarking on a journey to truly grow into myself, but I felt like there weren't any examples I could turn to of people in similar positions.

I had read books like Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, which showed me what it could look like to embrace vulnerability in your life. And I'd read books like What My Bones Know, which gave me an example of someone living with CPTSD. But there was nothing I found that truly made me feel seen.

See, when you're learning how to be an adult with CPTSD or relational trauma, it's not just about learning how to do your taxes or get your own health insurance or find a new gynecologist. It's also about learning how to trust people, learning how to advocate for yourself, learning how to stop reflexively dissociating from the present.

I want to create this blog as a way for people like me to see what it's actually like to struggle with these things. No rosy idealism or sugarcoating -- just the truth.

And the truth is, I'm also bad at writing endings for things.

So that's all for now. Talk again soon.

[shaynmothman]

Some small progress from today

Today I noticed something.

I touched my leg and it felt warm: the same way I feel warm when someone else touches me.

Ordinarily it feels like nothing when I touch various parts of my body. I can see that it's happening, but I'm not connected enough to my body to really feel it.

But today I did.

It might be a small moment, bit it's a big win for me. The ability to actually be present enough in my body to feel connected to touch.

[shaynmothman]

Reminder to self: The goal is not to be free of insecurity or imperfection *before* building relationships. The goal is to learn how to own and work through insecurity *while* being vulnerable with the people you love.

[shaynmothman]

Today my therapist challenged me to ask the question, "What would my life look like if I was the main character in it?" I think I'm going to make this question the cornerstone of the rest of the year.

[shaynmothman]

Tales in C-PTSD recovery:

Yesterday I tried doing some body awareness and grounding techniques. I actively brought my attention to the feelings of my body and the present moment...

...and then remembered I was currently standing feet away from where I lived when years of abuse happened.

Immediately, I felt panic and that "time slippage" where I didn't know what year it was and everything felt unreal.

NOPE.

Lessons learned: I can be present and be connected to my body. I probably shouldn't decide to do it in places where I was abused (at least not without adequate support systems in place).

[shaynmothman]

I'm empathetic enough to know when you're acting different and you're uncomfortable, stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed. But I'm also narcissistic enough to think that it's somehow my fault.