Aster

a dreamer

[sheawords]

I wish I could hate you just like the way I could hate december,

and the day when our story ended.

[sheawords]

Sederhana

Aku mencintai kesederhanaan.

Sesederhana engkau yang tersenyum tipis acap kali kita tak sengaja bertemu pandang Sesederhana engkau yang mengangguk takzim tiap aku memohon pertolongan Sesederhana engkau yang mengulurkan tangan waktu aku jatuh terduduk di pelataran Sesederhana aku yang menatap manik matamu tanpa kedipan

Sesederhana itu, Bias-bias asmara dapat tumbuh menggebu padaku Merontokan raut biasamu Mengabaikan tampilan dirimu

Akankah asmara selalu sedemikian sederhana?

[sheawords]

Last summer, you were mine.

ㅡlast summer, you were.

[sheawords]

I already miss you, with every single sound that creeping on my ears. Every heartbeat and every breath I take. I miss you.

[sheawords]

You're so lucky, because you presence in every single love poems I've wrote. Every smile you make, every move you take, it all turns into a beautiful and magical things and wrote it down to capture the moment.

Every melody fit your body language, and I love you.

Now that I have to let you go. That's the most tragic accident I have to face. Loving you, adore you, pray for you, until now let go of you.

Beautiful person, will stay forever to become a beautiful melody.

[sheawords]

Long long ago, I was a girl who love the night sky. I loved the star and adore the starry dark blue skies. They are just a little light, but they shine upon the dark. Like hope, like dreams, like I was before.

Long long ago, before I met you. I was just an innocent who trying to fit into the world, to find a place to live, to be attached. Adapting here and there, doing this and that. Going anywhere, without being afraid to be lost.

Long long ago, just before you. I was that girl I loved the most until you come to ruin everything at all.

You told me the stars are merely a past. They were already shining a million years ago and their light just arrived on earth after they died. So they were not a dream, but only a memory.

You told me I didn't have to try, to fit into the world. That I can be myself anywhere. Because I finally found my home, you.

You told me you loved me, so I leave that girl I loved the most and chose you instead.

You told me all the beautiful things I need to hear. You showed me every little thing I need to see.

I was happy. I was. Before you go.

Before you took your life, and became one of the starsㅡa memory that I hate to remember. You told me the beautiful side of the world, but the dark side of it takes you from me.

How could I survive? You that I love are gone, and I forget about how to love that girl ever again.

2023: via: astersheas

[sheawords]

Love. When I think about that word, all I could remember is the people who said it would turn out perfect. My life will be happy when I know, what love really is. Now I grown up, I've seen a different kind of love. A beautiful one, a wonderful one, and a magically happy ending one. All of it was someone else's love story. Mine was dark, grey, and blue. Nothing special, not even a single one.

So I hate people. I hate them who said, a love could make a butterfly on your belly. A love could make you smile all day long. A love could turn your life into your favorite movies. That's not even closer to the truth for me.

They were lying to me.

[sheawords]

Today

It was raining that day

I looked up at the sky and realized

You are there, like the stars and the sun

I smiled

I saw your face

You were calling me to fly, to run to you

So you could comfort me and I could be free

But what if I go? What if I did all of it?

Someone else's would feel my feeling right now

Desperately wanting you to go back

Hopelessly hold on to your ghost

Miserably missing you, today

[sheawords]

why it has to be you?

why it has to be me, who fell first?

[mysterieuxclairdelune]

“Nobody has ever measured,

not even poets,

how much the heart can hold.”

-Zelda Fitzgerald

[sheawords]

I wish I could say it out loud, that I love you this deep.

[sheawords]

I like being alone because I hate loneliness.

ㅡfor me, it feels more lonely to stand around the crowd that I was not belong to.

[sheawords]

Kamu

Kamu adalah rahasiaku yang paling istimewa. Rasa cinta yang begitu rekat hingga aku terlupa kalau beda kita juga terlalu kuat.

Kamu adalah cerita paling menarik yang ingin aku tuturkan. Aku ubah sedikit saja huruf dalam namamu, lalu mengisahkan kita seolah fiksi yang berakhir bahagia.

Kamu adalah perasaan sederhana yang rumit untuk aku pertahankan. Tanganmu lepas dari genggamanku, tergelincir klausul tua nan sakral.

Menerobos benteng bukan pilihanmu.

Kini 448 hari kemudian...

Kamu menjadi rinduku yang paling pilu. Sejarah indah yang sulit untuk dikenang dan selalu ingin ku ulang.

Kamu adalah memori.

Sebatas kenangan menyenangkan yang memiliki banyak jejak di ingatan, namun meninggalkan sesak setelah perpisahan.

[msanonymous]

Home. When I think about that word, no place from the present comes to my mind. But rather a place from the future, I'm not even sure will exist for me. A place that will be filled with love. A place in which the only sound that'll echo and the neighbours will hear, will be the sound of people's laughter, the sound of happiness. A place where nobody drinks their morning coffee alone, but rather surrounded by the people they can call their own. A place where walls will be painted with bright pastel colours. Where you can say things on the dining table, without thinking too much about them. A place where no doors will ever be slammed shut. A place where life will not feel like burdening. A place where I'll get to bake things with love, every single day. A place that will not be draining, in any way. And when dusk will come, the members of the house will gather, with their tea and coffee cups and listen to the stories of elders over a plate of cookies I would have just freshly baked. A place where the main door is always open for people to come. A place that is peaceful. A place I would think about coming back to after a long tiring day. A place where nobody hesitates before knocking on the door, after having a nightmare. A place where hugs are normal. A place where people feel loved, deeply and truly. A place where a room filled with books exists. A place that feels lively every single day not just on occasions like a night before Eid or weddings. A place where Mother and Father are always smiling. A place where nights are always lit with gatherings, talks and laughter. A place where ladies receive flowers 'just because'. A place where people notice when you're not there. A place where you live with people who love you, for the sake of Allah. A place where if somebody will ever see you crying in your room alone, would give you a shoulder. A place where I can read my books while sharing my solitude with someone. A place I'm not sure will ever be mine to call, but I pray I get to one day. I really do. I pray a place like that exists, that I can call My Home. I hope I get to be inside that Home. A Home that feels like home because the people in there try their hardest to make it feel like so.  

ms.anonymous

[sheawords]

I once was thought, I have to be that standard

...that beauty

...that perfect

...that goals

...that many many more standard

to make my self worth

ㅡbut what's life? I kill my self a thousand times, to be there.

[sheawords]

Aku merindukanmu. Berkali-kali dalam seminggu. Tak hanya di pertengahan malam atau ketika subuh menjelang pagi, aku juga merindukanmu saat jam makan siang. Ketika aku pulang kerja, atau saat aku duduk termenung sendiri tanpa rencana.

Bagaimana ini? Aku pikir perasaanku hanya bercanda, ternyata dia begitu serius mencintaimu. Aku kira rasa ini akan bertahan hanya untuk sementara, tapi ia masih berdebar bahkan setelah sekian lama. Aku salah langkah, salah terka. Menafsirkan kagum ini sebagai angin lalu yang sewaktu-waktu akan berhenti, namun ia justru menjadi badai. Kini habis sudah ruang di hatiku, dipenuhi oleh sosokmu.

Via astersheas on tumblr: 21 Februari 2023

[sheawords]

9 Januari 2023

Apakah Perasaan Ini Akan Bertahan Selamanya?

Hari ini aku tidak bisa melihat bintang. Satu-satunya keindahan yang aku kagumi di dunia, kini aku melepaskannya untuk selamanya.

Semesta. Satu mantra yang aku ulangi berkali-kali ketika aku muak terhadap dunia.

"Aku harap kau datang dengan kabar baik esok hari."

"Jika bukan besok, aku harap kau akan datang dengan kabar baik lusa nanti."

...dan seterusnya

...dan seterusnya

Namun semesta, bagaimana ini? Bahkan setelah berhari-hari, minggu, bulan, dan tahun kini sudah bergantiㅡkabar baik yang selalu aku nanti-nanti masih saja betah bersembunyi.

Ia tak datang.

Aku seharusnya tahu diri. Melepaskan apa yang harus dilepaskan hingga kedua tanganku kosong tak menggenggam sehelai pun harapan.

Seperti aku sedang berdiri di ruang hampa. Aku tak bisa menemukan setitik pun alasan untuk bertahan.

Ketika aku menoleh kebelakang, kira-kira telah berapa jauh aku berlari? Sudah berapa banyak yang aku hindari? Sampai-sampai aku lelah sendiri seperti ini. Aku tidak ingin pergi sebab masih banyak mimpi yang aku cari.

Semesta. Akhir-akhir ini aku sedang membenci diriku sendiri. Aku benci karena aku marah terhadap hal-hal kecil. Aku benci suara gemericik hujan. Aku benci suara tepuk tangan bahkan tawa dari kejauhanㅡsemuanya terdengar begitu nyaring, memekakan telinga.

Dunia bukan lagi tempat yang menarik bagiku. Bahkan kicau burung paling merdu pun kini terdengar membosankan. Kemana perginya hal-hal indah itu? Kemana perginya nurani lamaku?

Apakah perasaan ini akan bertahan selamanya?

Semesta. Aku benci perasaan ini.