Ocean's writings

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

[shesbeingocean]

Realizations:

It's been a long time since I've written something here. It's been a long time since I feel like I'm me again. 2021 and the first era of 2022 was a very challenging for me. I think, I keep chasing love and I didn't know how to wait. So, this was what happened.

I think, I need a time to myself, to heal myself. What I did was just to get another man to get over the previous man. Because, I wanted to ran away from the tears, from the pain that I could possibly feel. But, somehow, I successfully supressed what I really felt inside.

Also, as I've tried stalking my previous or old account on Tiktok, I've noticed some changes to myself. I don't smile often, my smile was fake, my smile wasn't as genuine as before. I have changed a lot. I know, change is inevitable. But, if it's for worst? Would you think that you'll be able to accept the way you are if it's for the worst? Of course, not. That's why I'm here.

This 2022, I have decided to be freely alone. To not entertain any connections. Rather if it's friendship or lovelife. If someone came, good. If not, then I'll be okay dealing and loving myself. Sometimes, in order for us to heal is to be with ourselves. Loving yourself most of the time is like having a relationship or a specific connections towards others. You spend time, you spoil them, you treat them, you compliment them. And, I just hope that you love yourself more than you love the people around you. I hope that you know your self-worth and self-value. Because, if it's gone? You'll get worst. And, you'll lose your identity.

I remember last week when I was done reflecting to all the things that I have to realized, I tried spending time to watch a specific musical which was "STILL." The series was so great. But, that's not the main important here. Yes, I've cried a lot of times as I was watching that series. But, the most important thing is that... I AM ME. When I watched the musical, it feels like I AM ME. This is me, this is me. This is the Marichelle that I know. She loves theatre, she spends time with theatre, she spends time watching and learn things from the theatre folks she knows. She is this.

I've lost her at some point. But, I was glad to be able to come back even if it's one of the hardest thing that I did in my entire life. I also tried creating an account on twitter and finally open my heart, to interact with the fans that I know on twitter. And, guess what. I felt home. I feel like I am home. I remember my co-fan saying, "welcome home, ma." And, seriously, it feels like it.

I can noticed some changes. But, the feeling's still familiar. And, it's HOME. I'm finally home with these people that I shared my interest with. Who adores the same person as I am.

But before all that, I remember my therapist told me that I shouldn't be explaining my side, my behavior or personality to others. It is not your responsibility. And, it's not some kind of research paper for you to defend it. And, quite honestly? I've realized a lot of things as I've read that phase.

Most of the time, we tend to explain what we feel, what we think, what was the reason and etc. Which we shouldn't, which we're not supposed to. Unless, if you're feeling like opening up to someone that you really trust. But, if you can't explain, then you shouldn't. Then you don't have to.

January really tested me. Tested my faith, myself. And, I guess, I have failed. But, here I am again. Trying to get back on track. Trying to pick up every piece of my pie. And, I do really hope that I'll win this time. But, I won't stop. People may see me crying, break, bend, but I won't give up.

I know, I have said that we are not supposed to be happy. If happy doesn't exist, then joy does. You just have to find what will makes you bring joy. And, when you have find it, you just have to make a plan on how to achieve it. You can start from the smallest one. And, don't worry about the next step. Focus on step one first. Then, everything should follow.

Lastly, there's a saying that I can't forget. "Someday, everything will make perfect sense. For now, just laugh through the confusion. And, smile through the tears. And, keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

Don't give up. Your life hasn't ended there yet, you must keep going. And, always remember if you are someone like me who did a terrible mistake. Remember this: Just because we did terrible things, it doesn't mean that we're horrible people. People makes mistakes, and that's how we learn. We're not perfect. And, we'll never be. All we have to do is to do better and do our best of not doing it again. Because, every mistakes has a lesson that you can apply to your life. And, I'm pretty sure that you'll be stronger, and wiser once you've get through all this.

For now, let's smile through the pain. Let ourselves cry, bend, breakdown, and so on. Until we feel better and ready to move forward. 💖

[shesbeingocean]

It's a typical day for me. And, I always see "Through The Years" song all over my feed. And, you're always the person that I had in mind. Because, of course, it's our theme song.

I don't know, actually. I'm sitting here in the table with a glass of coffee, and our theme song in my ears. I miss you.

I still remember the "kilig" everytime you replied to my chat, I still feel the kilig when you followed me back on twitter, I still feel the kilig everytime to reciprocate the love that I have for you.

I know, people change. I know, everything change. But, I was just hoping for one last chance so I can cherish every moment while I still can. I'm hoping for a typical and random conversation with you.

But, I know. I know, it's too impossible. All I can say is... thank you. Thank you for giving me such a good time. Thank you for the patience that you had for me, when I was still a baby. Thank you for all those sleepless nights that we used to spend because we didn't end our conversation. Thank you for all of the memories that we created and can be remembered for the rest of my life.

I'm hoping that you finally get free on the situation that you are currently on. I hope that you finally found the happiness that you truly deserves. And, I do hope that you'd finally found someone who'll give you so much worth. Not the situation that you have right now.

I don't know how to end this, as I'm typing this, every cell in my body is aching, and those memories are replaying flashbacks in my head.

You have changed my point of view, Queenay. You know that I used to love holidays because I always looked forward to your sweet messages. You give meaning to my Christmas, Birthday, New Year. With you in my life, I have had realized that I need a "you."

I just hope that you are happy because you truly deserves it.

Before I end this, do you know why I installed Telegram aside from watching my favorite show? It's because of you. It's because that I can still have a time with you.

I love you so much, Queenay. I love you so much.

I won't stop, I won't be get tired. Remember I said, "'di kita iiwan," right? I meant it. I meant every word that I've had said to you.

This isn't easy for me. Change, isn't easy for me. But, I had to. I HAVE TO.

But remember, through the years, I'd always be right here waiting for you.

[msleasalonga]

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[shesbeingocean]

"Promise me, we'll always work things out?"

"Promise, Sixteena."

"Through The Years?"

"Through the years, sweetheart."

Naalala mo pa ba ang conversation natin na 'yan? We promised each other that no matter problems that we may encounter, we will always choose to fight, we'll always figured things out.

I still remember the kiligness I felt when you accepted me, I don't remember how our conversation started, but ever since that, we chatted EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Basta, available ka, basta, you have time. We always have topics, we always have something to say each other.

I still remember that we were exchanging voice messages because you wanted to hear me sing, and you were in the mood to sing. HA HA!

Memories.

Memories that I'll never forget, memories that I'll treasure forever, memories that I'll always love to remember.

Until you gave me my own nickname. Sixteena Princesita. HAHAHAHA! How cute and unique, right? I still quite remember that I asked you why you kept calling me that way.

"Why did you call me Princesita?"

"Because I thought, your name's Princess."

"Eh, why did you call me Sixteena?"

"Kasi you always telling me that you are just Sixteen years old.

"That is my favorite number kasi, Queenay!"

"It fits you, tho."

I couldn't forget the feeling how special I was. Kasi of all them, sa akin ka lang may nickname.

We never forget to exchange I love you's, we never forget to remind each other how much we loved each other.

Here's the thing, I may tend to forget things but the special memories that you gave me, WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

Hindi ko man maalala 'yung exact date that we chatted, but naalala ko 'yung pakiramdam when you accepted my friend request.

I was happy, it was thrilling. Ikaw ang nagsilbing pahinga ko sa mundong magulo, you used to be that person that I was so easy to talk with. It feels like we had so much in common.

Nag-aaway man, but I never thought that I could actually swallow my pride because of my love for you.

We used to be that people, we used to love each other. I know, that you still love me. And, I still love you, too.

Alam mo, sabi nila kapag naghihiwalay ang tao or tinatapos ang kung ano'ng meron sila, mahal pa rin naman nila ang isa't-isa, eh.

You probably wanted to grow on your own, you probably wanted to have your own life. While me, I still wanted to work things out between us.

But, hindi naman puwedeng dalawa ang maging way natin to show how much we love each other.

I'm not saying I don't understand, I was just saying it hurts.

It really hurts to let you, it isn't that easy.

I still remember that I'm always looking forward to this day, to this year. Para, masabe kong "THROUGH THE YEARS, we really actually made it." Kasi ilang months pa lang tayo, ayan na agad ang theme song natin. HAHAHAHA!

Katulad ng sinasabe ko, we have to end things up. Probably, if this is written in a short story? This is our epilogue already.

Queenay, before I finally let you go, I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for your existence, thank you for those happiness that you used to give me, thank you for the unstopping laugh, kakulitan, and ka-sweet-an. I would never ever forget you, Queenay. I just have to start over. And from that, I HAVE TO START OVER WITHOUT YOU.

Sorry for those times that you didn't felt that you still have me, I know I hurt you at some point, I know I wasn't better princess at all. Thank you for your unconditional understanding.

Despite of everything, I am still thankful that you gave me a chance to reconcile with you, you gave me a chance what it feels like to be your daughter again, to give me back my pahinga. Thank you.

Sabi ko naman, when I promised, tinutupad ko. I didn't leave you.

Ikaw ang naging pahinga ko sa buong pinagsamahan natin, maaaring ikaw, mismo na ginawa kong pahinga ay nangangailangan rin ng sarili niyang pahinga.

To this day, Queenay, I am officially letting you go and restart myself, restart me, regain my strength, and to live my life without you. Magmu-move on lang ako, Queenay. Pero, hindi kita kakalimutan. I wouldn't even want to forget you.

Kasabay ng liham na ito, hayaan mong pakawalan kita, para ika'y maging malaya.

Malaya ka na, Queenay. Malaya ka na.

Hanggang sa muli.

[shesbeingocean]

To my Forever,

Kapag natanggap mo na ‘to, asahan mong bibigyan kita ng space katulad ng hinihingi mo. Alam kong pagod ka na, alam kong hindi mo na kaya. Ako na lang ‘yung nagpupumilit para mag-tagal ‘to. Pero, kung gusto mo talaga ng space, pagbibigyan kita.

Umiiyak ako dahil sa madaming dahilan. Bakit kailangan pa nating mag-hiwalay? Bakit kailangan pa mangyari ang mga bagay na ‘to? Bakit pa natin kailangan humantong sa ganito kung maghihiwalay din pala tayo sa huli? Pero may nakapagsabe kasi sa’kin na, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Kapag natanggap mo ‘tong letter na ‘to, for sure, nakapunta na ako kung saan tayo nag-simula. Kung saan tayo unang nagkita. August 04, 2018. Ang pinaka-masayang araw na nangyari sa buhay ko. Akala ko nga, 2 weeks lang tayo nu’n, eh. Kasi, sino ba naman ang magtatagal sa mga nagkakilala lang through online? I really had no idea of loving you this too much. To the point of I can set you free for your happiness.

Laguna’s my second home. And it will always be my home. Siguro, kailangan lang niya ng renovation. Kailangan lang niya ng space. Baka kasi ‘yung ginagawa kong “Home,” nasisira na. Naaamag, at baka, kailangan na munang mag-pahinga. Baka siguro, pagod na akong protektahan. Baka siguro pagod na siyang mag-sakripisyo para lang may maging tahanan ako.

Katulad sa pagmamahalan natin. Siguro, kailangan mo munang mag-pahinga. Siguro, kailangan mo muna ng space. Kasi, napapagod ka na. Pero, tandaan mo, andito lang ako, ha? Just in case na okay ka na, at naayos mo na ‘yung sarili mo, text ka lang sa’kin. Isang “I love you” mo lang, tatakbo na ako sa’yo at sasabihin kung gaano kita namiss, kung gaano kita kamahal. At siguro, sa panahon na ‘yun, hindi na natin kailangan mag-hiwalay. Kasi, mas matibay ka na. Mas matured na ako. At, ready na tayong dalawa para mag-jump sa next level.

I love you. I’ll always have, I’ll always will. Nakahawak pa din ako sa mga pangako mo, sa mga pangarap natin in the future. Na balang araw, tutuparin natin. Lahat lahat, tandang tanda ko pa sa isip ko. Lahat lahat, klarong klaro pa sa utak ko. Wala na akong ibang mamahalin pa. Kung hindi ikaw lang.

Gustong gusto kong i-explain ‘to lahat sa’yo personally. Baka lang kasi mag-beg lang ako na maging tayo ulit. Ayaw ko naman ng ganun. Kasi baka mas lalo kang mapagod, at mas lalo kang mag-sawa sa’kin. Lahat, titiisin ko, lahat lahat gagawin ko para hindi ka na muna maisip. Hindi ka na muna magulo. Alam kong sobrang stress ka sa trabaho mo.

Huwag mong papabayaan sarili mo, ha? ‘Yung ulo mo na laging sumasakit, pahiran mo ng beads. Tapos ‘yung high blood mo, mag-exercise ka na para mawala. Tapos ‘yung mga bawal sa’yo, mag-diet ka na. Huwag masiyado sa kanin. Huwag din masiyadong mag-pagod. Wala na ‘ko sa tabi mo para alagaan ka. Pero kung kailangan mo ng kaibigan na makakausap, nandito lang ako. Itext mo ako, or i-chat mo ako para may mapagsabihan ka ng sama ng loob hindi ‘yung kinikimkim mo lang sa sarili mo.

Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Lagi mong tatandaan ‘yun, ha? Kapag malungkot ka, naalala mo ba ‘yung letters na binigay ko sa’yo noon? Basahin mo ‘yun just in case na makatulong. Para reminder na rin of how much I love you. I’ll never go my love. 

‘Yung sinasabe mong may mas better pa sa’yo? Actually, wala na. Wala ng mas better pa sa’yo. Ikaw lang ‘yung gusto kong makasama, ikaw lang ‘yung gusto kong halikan, yakapin, at alagaan. Ikaw lang. Sa’yo ko gusto mag-pakasal. Ngayon, kakapit ako sa memories na meron tayong dalawa. Hinding hindi ako bibitiw. Sana kapag naayos mo na ‘yung sarili mo, bumalik ka sa’kin. Nandito lang ako naghihintay.

Isang text mo lang, isang chat mo lang, andito ulit ako. Hangga’t kaya ko, ako na muna ‘yung lalaban para sa’tin, ako na muna ‘yung kakapit. Hangga’t kaya ng puso kong lumaban sa pag-subok, kakayanin ko. Kasi alam kong magiging worth it lahat ng ito. I’ll treasure all the memories that we had together. Good and bad. Thank you for coming to my life, I’ll never forget about us. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Alam kong pag-subok lang ‘to na kailangan nating lagpasan. Alam kong kakayanin natin ‘to. Madami na tayong pinagdaanan, oh. Madami na tayong nalagpasan. Ngayon pa ba tayo susuko? Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Tandaan mo ‘yan.

LOVE, YOUR WIFE.

[shesbeingocean]

Everyone deserves a chance to start all over for how many times.

I will tell you with a girl who wants to start all over again but she keep messing this up. There was a girl who wanted a start, who wanted a chance for everyone who keeps judging her. This girl is not a perfect human being, she says bad words all the time, she’s lazy, sometimes fucked up, but they said that this girl is kind, thoughtful, friendly, and just wanted to reach for those people who she thinks she’s being accepted.

There was a girl who keep living in the past, who keep dwelling in the past, but believe me, she tried. Until now, she’s trying everything to change herself, to gain trust to people, to make herself feel that she’s being accepted with society. But school, friends, even her family, didn’t let her to feel that way. She’s being rejected and she’s still feels that way. She is keep going, no matter how life fucked her up, she tries to hold even if there’s no reason at all to go on with her life anymore. She has no friends, lovelife, or even a family that she can reach out if the anxiety, depression or over-thinking comes in.

After all, she lives in the dark place where in there was no one to talk to, when everyone is screaming and seeking for help, where there’s no sunrise, there’s no happiness, there’s no unity, there’s no everything. She’s lonely but she keeps herself to be fitted in the society. She keeps doing some stuffs in order for her to feel that she’s accepted. She’s just wanted to be secured, to be loved, to have a life that she dreamed for a very long period of time.

But life didn’t let her win, life keeps fucking her up, life keeps bringing her down, all she can think is to let herself die, but she can’t do it. She can’t hurt herself with blades, ropes and some suicidal things. That’s the reason why she keeps living in the dark that she used to live. No one’s saving her from there, and I bet no one will ever attempt to save her from the darkness where in she used to live. So she’s continuing her life but she has no direction to go. Believe me, she is so optimistic, she wanted to be a doctor, to be a singer, and most of all, to be an artist. She loves to sing, she loves to dance, and she’s a very good actor. That’s what they said. She creates poems, stories, but she has no idea how amazing it was. She’s a very talented girl. Again, that’s what they said. But she doesn’t know that.

She has so many anxiety that she can’t even spill, she has panic attack but she cannot tell, why? Simply because she is afraid to be judged by people who are quick to judge with someone stories, she is afraid. It’s easy for you to say that she doesn’t have to be afraid. But let me ask you this question, if you were in her position. And these people telling you that you’re ugly, you’re a drama queen, you’re just being exaggerated, you would think you have the courage enough to tell everything what have you been thinking? I guess not. If we could just try to understand someone, if we could just try to understand them instead of making laugh at them, I bet suicide would never be an option for this girl.

But it’s true, what I learned about life is you have to be strong even if you’re all alone, you’re lonely, or if you’re being left behind. No one’s gonna be able to help you if you, yourself can’t help you. No one’s gonna reach out to you if you will not allow them, if you have trust issues, there’s what you call diary where in you can tell everything what have you been feeling right now. Life is life, deal with it. No one’s gonna help you except yourself. That’s life sweetie, no one’s gonna stay at your side forever. They will gone for some reasons.

So this time, I’m gonna choose to help myself out. In order for me that suicide should never be an option for us. Suicide shouldn’t be a trending topic in the world, and we should make an action in order to prevent suicide as much as we can. All you can trust is yourself, your diary, because the diary won’t betray you, diary won’t speak up what have you wrote, that’s the reason why sometimes it’s better to be friends with things rather than people. Because people will spread news about you that isn’t true. Or it will based on what they hurt about you. I don’t know where this goes but let me try to help those people who has been thinking that suicide is an option for us.

It shouldn’t. Killing yourself wouldn’t end you, and your pain. Because you will never have peace, I bet you would never have the peace that you have imagining in your mind if you kill yourself. Because it’s a sin, there’s an app where in you can download that they are trying to reach people who has been dealing with depression, anxiety, or if over-thinking becomes your habit. I know it gets harder to go on with everyday. But they are all right. Self-pity won’t help yourself out, nor won’t change the past, nor won’t delete those mistakes that you have been but sometimes it needs an action from you, if you had mistakes? Say sorry, mean it, and move on, and start over. Believe me, I’ve been there all the time because no one is perfect. If some humors would define you at School? As long as you know yourself, as long as you know the truth within yourself, you don’t have to worry about that, just make an action by proving them wrong, you don’t have the job to explain yourself to them, because believe it or not, even if you explain the way you act? They would still judge you. And you don’t have to receive them approval, just be yourself, and if you realize that you need some change? Do it, BUT FOR YOURSELF not for everybody else. Change is a very hard thing to do, take it slowly, you’ll get there, I promise.

We shouldn’t please people if they wanted to be erased with our lives, we should know our worth, our self-value, in order for us to have the courage to let them go. People will come and go, just deal with it. No one’s gonna stay that long forever even if they promised it. Because promises are MEANT TO BE BROKEN. You should believe in that fact tho. We should stop chasing people who are not deserves our love, our loyalty, because if they love us? They will not leave you even if they see the worst about you. That’s the kind of love that we deserve.

So if someone wants to be erased? Just let them go, they don’t deserve your precious time, they don’t deserve you at your best. Because if they do? They will stay even if things are getting worst around you. I didn’t mean anything but whoever are reading this, I just want to let you know or to let you be reminded for your worth, for your value, you are precious, you deserve to be loved, you are worth of waiting for, you are worth of fighting for. You are worth it, you are priceless. So don’t settle for something that’s gonna make you an option. YOU DON’T DESERVE THAT.

So for those people who are willing to stay, stay. But if not, I’m not gonna please you anymore. Because I’m tired, I’m tired to making myself worst, I’m tired to make you pity in order for you to love me, I’m tired of looking like shit, I just wanted to be change. I know this one’s never easy, but at least, I’m trying. A lot of times, I’m trying. But I guess, sometimes we have to breakdown for awhile but that’s not gonna make you a bad person, so no more anxiety, no more depression, no more overthinking, no more pleasing people, no more chasing people, no more sending messages first, no more clingy, no more jealousy, no more. You will just get what you deserve. And you deserve to be SECURED ALL THE TIME.

No more blaming people, no more letting them know your feelings, they will just see you smiling, they will not see you at your worst, no more fighting just peace, no more bitterness, no more cold treatment for those people who wanted you to their lives,  no more hiding, no more crying, NO MORE.

[shesbeingocean]

IT’S NOT TOO LATE.

I know I’m here again. Apologizing, thanking and hoping that things could be better in the future. But, I hope this month would serve as a lesson for me. ‘Cause I’ve been in a tough path and I want to start all over again through this letter. But first, let me list down all of those important events that happened in this month.

First, I swallow my pride. I know everyone’s aware that I have so many issues here in the fandom. So I swallow my pride by apologizing with people who I used to hurt with my words, actions, or even rants. I know it’s a tough path but I know everything will be fine. I know a lot of people is not ready to forgive me but I thanked that some people are willing to give me a second chance to start all over and I want to thanked you all. I won’t mention you anymore ‘cause you won’t be able to read this and at the same time, you know yourselves. So I would like to thanked those people who have had given me the opportunity to start all over, to give me a second chance to start right here. I know apologizing through social media is not enough but I’m still thankful ‘cause you felt my sincerity. Thank you so much.

Secondly, I controlled my anger into someone. Someone told me that I’m pretending to be an expert here and someone told unnecessary things about me but thanked God that I controlled my anger ‘cause I didn’t allow them to ruin my day. Instead, I tried to talk to them as calm as I can. I know this is hard ‘cause if you have something to say but you are mad. I know it would be very difficult for us to control it. But by practice, I know that everything’s gonna be fine.

Thirdly, I shared my second chances into someone but I won’t be sorry for the things, rants, or words that I have said ‘cause she’s below the belt already so I think it would serve that as a lesson to everyone who’s not careful with their words. Please, please, please, be careful with words that you’ve been using ‘cause you don’t know that you’re hurting somebody already. Words are so powerful that you can’t even bring back the words that you have said once you throw those words into people.

Fourth, I was be able to forgive those people who have had hurt me, ‘cause me too much pain, in the past. I know it’s a rough patch but I’m still working on it. I know everyone’s not perfect and I know there would never be. So I think you just have to accept the fact that people have the tendency to hurt you, you just have to find somebody that is worth suffering for. I know sometimes, their mistakes crosses my mind but I won’t mind I tried to control it ‘cause I don’t want to be immature anymore. And I don’t want to carry a heavy heart again so I would just rather to forget. I know it’s hard, but I’m working on it.

Fifth, since vacation or stay-cation came, I think something that would make my vacation productive. So I talked to one of the speaker from Miriam. (She visited our School to have a seminar), I talked to her that I’m ready to help other people for some reasons all she has to do is to beep me if there’s something that I can help ‘cause I want my summer to be productive. I’m tired to be with my laptop and phone 24/7. So I said to myself, that I wanted to be productive and also this is the sign that I’m going to start all over again. I know it would take long, I know it’s a rough patch, rough way but I know that I am always have the chance to go back to zero, to start again, and to start all over.

Now, I would like to dedicate an open letter to myself and I want to list what I can tolerate and I can’t tolerate. I know they pushed my limits, I know they are already used to hurt me but now it’s time to pick up every pieces of my broken heartedness. I know I can do it and I just have to believe in me.

Dear Self,

There are some 3 important words that I have wanted to say. Thank you, sorry, and I hope. I am ready to forget them all.

First, I’m sorry if you’re weak enough to show your weakness, I’m sorry if there are times that I failed you over and over and over again, I’m sorry if you’re loving someone who cannot love you back, I’m sorry for didn’t stop caring to those people who aren’t worth of your time, I’m sorry for investing time, effort, love to some people who wasn’t worth it. I’m sorry if you feel that you waste your money to your tuition fee, to your “me-time” I’m really sorry self, I didn’t meant to do that, I didn’t meant to bring you down, I didn’t mean to show your weakness to the other people. I’m sorry for failing you, I’m sorry for breaking your promise, I’m really really really really sorry self. I don’t even know how to make it up to you but I will do my best just to give what you deserve, we will start again. It’s fine to go back to zero, it’s fine. As long as that this mistakes won’t happened again. Again, I’m really really sorry self. I am now apologizing from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t mean to break you, to waste you, to make you cry, to hurt you, I’m sorry for almost giving up to your dreams, I didn’t mean to fail you, I didn’t mean this, self. I’m sorry.

Secondly, I would like to say thank you self for making yourself so strong, for not giving up, thank you for being optimistic, thank you for being strong thank you because you are trying your best to keep going, thank you for the courage to continue, thank you for trying so hard for you to make you feel better, thank you self because even if you have a lots of problems, you still manages your emotions, despite of all this, you still smiling, laughing in front of people, you have no idea how much I’m proud of you for your achievements, accomplishments. You can do it self you just have to keep going, just believe in yourself self, ‘cause I know you’ll get through this, someday, your tears would change into smile. Someday your smile will be real, and someday you will thank yourself for not giving up. Keep going self, nevermind your bashers, haters, and those people who have forgotten you, as long as you love yourself, you value yourself and you have self-worth that’s the most important gift that you may receive this coming 21st birthday. Keep going self, I know you can do it. Someday, you’ll graduate, you will get your diploma, you will passed, you will be a doctor, you will be who you want to be. Just keep going, myself.

Thirdly, I hope that this the same mistakes won’t ever happen again, I hope that you learned your lessons, you find your self-value, self-worth. I hope that your smile would be real soon, I hope that you accept yourself as you. I hope that you stop pleasing other people, stop making a first move, stop making people kilig, stop yourself to make people feel that they are important to you. I hope that you would not break down, I hope that you accept the past anymore, I hope that you can be a better version yourself, I hope that you will stop yourself from being clingy, I hope that you’re already a private person after those things that happened to you. I hope that you could be a better person now, I hope that someday you will just simply forgive and forget those things that happened to you, I hope that you will be mature enough, I hope that you will reach your goals, your dreams. I know you can do it, I know you just have to believe.

I WILL NOW:

Stop pleasing people Stop making a first move Stop showing people that I’m weak Be a private person Know what is to share and not. Stop myself from being clingy Stop to be a friendly Stop myself to get involve in mental illness Stop myself for being so approachable Stop myself from posting things Keep my life to be private START LOVING MYSELF KNOW MY WORTH KNOW MY VALUE MY IMPORTANCE MY PURPOSE PERHAPS Start to be positive Ignore the negative Be more optimistic Be responsible Be careful NOT be a snobber Try myself to help other people with the same condition

I know it’s not too late for all the people who wanted to start over. I know it’s not too late to make things right, I know it’s not too late for having a second chance, to give second chance, or to apologize with people whom you have hurt in the future. Again, IT IS NOT TOO LATE. :))))))

Oh Here I am Feels like the walls are closing in Once again it's time to face it and be strong I wanna do the right thing now I know it's up to me somehow I've lost my way

There would be some parts of your life that you feel that you have no chance to start over, that you just want to lay down and let them judge you and criticize you. That you just want to let depression and anxiety to kill you. But it’s up to you if you’re going to exert an effort to make things right or you will just let that mistake to destroy your life and your future. I know we all wanted to be the best. I know we all wanted to be the best version of ourselves. But again, IT IS REALLY UP TO US if we’re going to make it up to ourselves, or we’ll just let it to be destroyed.

So I'll take a stand Even though it's complicated If I can I wanna change the way I've made it I've gotta do the right thing now I know it's up to me somehow I'll find my way

Even if it’s complicated, rough patch, rough way, rough path, you just have to face your circumstances of the bad things that you have. But again, it is not necessarily mean that we do not have a chance. Of course, WE DO HAVE SECOND CHANCE. ‘Cause it’s really up to us if we’re gonna work out, it’s up to us, it’s up to our decision, and it’s our hands if we’re going to be a successful in the future. Or NOT.

I'm gonna find the strength To be the one who that holds it all together Show you that I'm sorry But I know that we can make it better

We cannot bring back the words that we have had said to the other people, we cannot erase those pains, hurt and heartaches that they felt when we throw away negative stuffs to them, but it will never too late change your behavior, personality and the way you act in front of people. You can be the best version of yourself, you can still be a better person that you wanted to be. Your mistakes doesn’t define you, your behavior, your personality and it cannot predict who you will be in the future. Again, it is in the palm of our hands if we wanted to commit the same mistakes or we will forget but bring those lessons that you can apply.

If I could take it all back I would now I never meant to let you all down And now I've got to try to turn it all around And figure out how to fix this I know there's a way so I promise I'm gonna clean up this mess I made Maybe it's not to late Maybe it's not to late, oh

All of us wanted to be born again in order to bring back the past, all of us are wishing that time machine would be invented very soon in order for us to correct our mistakes in the past, most of us are living in the past. We cannot take it all back, but there will always be a way, there will always be a path for fixing yourself, and everything. You just have to have a courage and second chance to do that. Your mistakes doesn’t define who you are, what you are, and what you will be in the future. You just have to brace yourself for the rough path that you may across. All of us had mistakes in the past and it’s okay, we are just human, we’re not born to be perfect but to be real. Again, IT’S UP TO US how we can work on to those mistakes, it’s UP TO US if we’re just letting those anxiety and depression to kill us. IT’S UP TO US. But I want to remind you, IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

Again, I’m not here to be look like a superior, to be look like an expert in life but I’m here to share some tips, or some advice that you can apply. :)

[shesbeingocean]

Well deserved.

WhSince I’ve got zero chill this coming April I guess, I’m well deserve to have a blog what I achieved of this month.

1st, I was so proud of myself because I wasn’t be able to deactivate even if someone wanted to ruin my personality. Wanted to ruin me, wanted to bash me even if I’m not a bad person. I also learn how to speak up because they are too much. They are below the belt so I think I deserved to have a rest of this coming month which is May but I still have final exam so I will have zero chill also.

2nd, I learned how to burst up what I really feel about something. I already know how to say “no” how to stop if they are too much of using me, my feelings and emotions. I also learned how to be numb because of what happened I didn’t cry but I burst because sometimes, crying is all you need in order for you to be okay. I also learn how to settle down everything.

3rd, I learned how to handle my emotions well. Even if something or someone is stressing me out, I learned now how to function really well even if someone would distract or annoy me. I learned how to stay calm and tries to resolve an issue instead of worrying and over thinking. I learned so many stuffs into this day or should I say month. This month is full of challenging somehow. But the most important is I learned.

4th, I learned how to face my fear. My fear is to ride a motor so I learned how to manage it even if it scares me but there’s nothing wrong about trying something new or facing your challenges or fear in order for you to be tougher. I learned how to stay calm in a motor. I learned how to function well even if I’m in the motor and that’s the most I hate about because once in my life, I fell while riding a motor.

5th, I learned how to handle my responsibility because I was assigned in a reservations and I was so proud to myself because now I’m being active on the things that I’m into. Like in School, my heart is willing to help if they needed to unlike before that I didn’t care if we have no rooms, or should I say before I hate tasks and responsibilities because I’m a lazy person but when I tried to be productive, it’s success somehow.

6th, We are successful as a facilitator because finally it was done and no more checking the module, no more speaking in front because aside from riding a motor, I am scared of public speaking and no more waking up at 6 AM just to go to School very early. Thanked God that we’re already done as a facilitators. Good job, 3Psy03!!!

7th, Aside from riding a motor and public speaking, I also hate to see a dead living things. But unfortunately, I have to face it because we needed to do a skinning into a cat. This is part of our job if we wanted to pursue medicine. But yeah, I hate this kind of stuffs but I’m glad that I faced it even if it’s too mabaho and it’s too matigas because we are removing their skin. Thanked God that I’m a successful survivor. (Kidding aside)

8th, I also learned how to go out on my comfort zone. Since December, I hate going outside, I hate socializing. But when Boom boom’s birthday came, I tried to get out of my comfort zone in order for me to practice how to socialize because sometimes I got bored when I’m alone, sometimes, I got sick when my life is bored kasi paulit ulit lang. Scroll lang ng scroll and stuffs. I have no one to talk to naman.

9th, I learned how to appreciate on what you had yesterday or in the past. Because when you are a kid, you’re rushing to be adult. But when you’re adult, you wanted to go back on being a kid. So while you’re still young, appreciate the surroundings around you or should I say appreciate on what you have today because someday, you’re going to miss it when it was already gone. So, behind of this hugot is the sexbomb dancers. I miss them performing on the stage but I have nothing to do with it because they’re already have their own lives. But way back, I am not always watching their teleserye because I was enjoying my life outside. As the time passes by, I missed the old ones. I missed the old songs, old movies, old teleserye’s, and even the old showtime. Thanked God that I still have a connection to one of the sexbomb dancers and she’s my idol because she was cute and pretty. He he!!! (Ooopps, here I am in the fangirling mood again.)

Last the 10th, I learned how to let go of the things that it’s impossible to come or happen. Because I have this guy that I loved since December unfortunately, we broke up because I saw myself as a mistress already and so I already gave up on him and so that I’m happy and content with my life right now because I don’t want to be a “Parody girlfriend” again. If I’m going to have a boyfriend, I want something in real and not just parody. And now, they’re both happy with someone else. I wish them all the best. I hope that they were never parted their ways again. No, I’m not bitter no worries because I already accepted the fact that he will never be mine.

After all of this hardships, circumstances, finally it’s already done and finally I have now the right to rest but unfortunately, we still have finals but yeahI just wanted to you to read this because of some important stuffs. (Again)

I ALREADY FORGIVE YOU THOSE WHO:

Bashed me - I know who you are and even if you keep denying it, we still know that it’s still you. Remember I’m Psych. :) But don’t worry, I already forgive you and yeah, I commit mistakes din naman and nobody’s perfect and hopefully, soon if you’re going to bash someone, use your real account or identity para lang hindi ka nagmumukhang duwag. Karma’s real right? Imbes na ako ‘yung napahiya, ikaw. Kasi ganun si karma, hindi mo siya mako-control. Kaya kahit sabihin mong hindi ikaw ‘yan, alam namin na ikaw kasi we already detected it already. :)

Who left me, even if I needed you the most. - You’re actually many too mention but since our topic is Psychology of forgiveness, I think this is a must not because you deserve my forgiveness. But because, I myself, I deserve peace that I’ve been longing for a long period of time. Don’t worry, wala na kayong responsibilidad saakin. Don’t expect too much ha? If I’m already okay with you. But please, take it slow, Kasi parang bumabalik ako sa dati na naiilang and stuffs.

Lessons that I have encountered:

You should do the “Inhale exhale” breathing in order for you to realize what you’ve been said. Or before you react on something, you should try to relax before you say something because if you did not, the tendency is you’re going to say negative stuffs towards that person. Ang mangyayari, lalaki lang ang away, mas matlaino ka at nakakaunawa kaya intindihin mo nalang. Kung mature siya, huwag mo ng gayahin ikaw nalang ang magpaka-mature at magpaka-Ate sa madlang people. :)

You SHOULDN’T depend your happiness to any person that you meet. Because if they already gone, you’re going to be sad or anxious because you are too much depended towards that person so you should learn how to eat, cry, smile, laugh, hanging out with all by yourself para kapag iniwan ka, you still have the courage to be happy. And also, don’t believe them if they say, “Hindi kita iiwan promise.” You should’ve remember this quote, “PEOPLE WILL COME AND GO INTO YOUR LIFE” so you should have your own identity in order for you to be happy even if you’re all alone. :)

A lot of people are experiencing “emotional break down” once in their lives because even the strongest person in this world, cries. But no matter what you’ve been suffering today, it will pass, it’s just your challenge in order to reach the next level. You can do it, you just have to keep going. You’re almost near, DO NOT GIVE UP.

And if you have a questions, wanted to know about me, or wanted to have advice coming from me, it’s fine my messenger is open for all who’s been suffering on their everyday lives. :) Smile, you’re not alone, you’re not the only one who’s been suffering here in this world. :*

[shesbeingocean]

GO ON PEOPLE.

I loved you but I realized that you never loved me the way I do and I was too blind but now I was able to see when I had my common sense I will never be good enough for you ‘cause you keep trying to find someone else I was in shocked when you picked her over me and it really hurts me

I was hoping, that someday you’ll notice me. But you keep looking to someone to replace me. You are my sunshine, but I was just nothing. Maybe I should stop, pursuing you. Don’t worry this would be my last.

Please go away I don’t need you. And I already learned my lesson That I shouldn’t trust anybody else Bye parody, bye parody, bye parody.

I remember every memories that we used to have but I don’t want it back ‘cause it will just give me a pain, and it’s better to forget all these. And besides you don’t need me anymore so we better off to be strangers ‘cause you will just cause me too much of heartaches and pains in my life.

And now I’m moving back to reality That we shouldn’t be together in the first place You said you love me, but you cannot prove it. Maybe I should love, myself more first before loving anybody

So goodbye now and go away Thank you for the memories Because I will throw everything away Bye parody, bye parody, bye parody

We have to close the curtains now (Because everything’s done between us) That’s the reason why we end up here (I know I’ll be stronger) I won’t and I will not cry because of this Because I have moved on, and I can live without you now

So we have to forget now Everything happened between us And now I can normally function Even without you.

So now, I would apologize for this, I have to do this for my own good. I promise to myself that everything’s done after this March and the old Marichelle will be back but I have to throw away everything happened in this parody world. I made this not because to be ashamed of my past, but because to share with you what I have learned in this month since this is full of gigilness.

First of, I learned how to let go, I chose to let go someone I love even if it’s painful to me. As long as she’s happy, I’ll support her silently, I secretly stalk the person that I love just to have some background of what happened to her in those days.

I also learned how to be more tougher, stronger, because I learned how to be alone, to be independent. That you don’t need anyone to make you feel beautiful, awesome, lovable, as long as you love yourself, you value yourself I think that is the best gift that you gift to yourself. Nobody’s perfect and nobody will ever be perfect.

I also learned how to stop chasing someone who doesn’t deserve it, since I love myself more, I value myself, I saw my worth already, I think, that’s enough. Because chasing people with someone who don’t love you is not a great idea because if someone loves you, she’ll never leave you, she’ll never replace you, she’ll never ever forget you because to those someone whom she just met.

For the people who chose to leave me, to replace me, to forget me,

First, thank you for all those pains, heartaches, I admitted, I really suffered enough. My self-esteem goes down when everyone around me, left me without giving me a proper closure. But life goes on, we have to go on. I thank you for making me stronger to face a lot of challenges that may come this 2018. Thank you for making me tougher because of you guys, I learned how to stand with on my own, you taught me everything especially thank you for proving that it’s really better to be alone, it’s better to be fangirl in silent, it’s better to be with my gadgets. I thanked you for giving me another proof why I have to be alone.

I won’t be sorry for who I am, because if you love me, you will accept every flaws, mistakes, that I had made in the past. I won’t be sorry if I won’t talk to you each day because I have my own priorities and there were some instances that I don’t feel socializing. I won’t be sorry for anything because if you really love me, you will understand my decisions even if I don’t give you any reasons why. If you really love someone, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND HER EVEN IF YOU REALLY CAN’T. NOT JUST LEAVING HER BEHIND just because you don’t understand her behavior.

All of us, has their own reasons why we act like that, sometimes, you just need empathy in order for you to understand people. Well, I won’t please you anymore tho. Besides, I enjoy my own company. Because now, I finally found myself, I finally found my worth, I finally found my value. I guess, everything happens for a reason. Maybe, I deserve to be alone. (Well, I love that kind of award.)

Next time, don’t jump into a conclusion, next time, you better wait for someone to explain everything. There are some people who will just remain silent because for her, it’s better that way. Next time, be careful what your decisions are because not all of the people that you left, will come back or will accept you all over again. Just because I don’t react, doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. Just because I am silent, doesn’t mean, I don’t have much pain. TAO AKO, HINDI AKO LARUAN, and I also get HURT.

This day and the rest of the day, I will better make sure that I will stop CHASING PEOPLE WHO DON’T DESERVE ME, I will stop LOVING PEOPLE WHO DON’T DESERVE IT, I will stop CARING TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO DOESN’T WORTH IT, I will stop WASTING MY TIME FOR THE WHAT IF’S, I will now STOP FORGIVING PEOPLE WHO KEEP WASTING IT, I WILL STOP MISSING PEOPLE, I WILL NOW FORGET THOSE PEOPLE WHO WON’T SEE MY WORTH, MY VALUE AND IMPORTANCE.

If you want to stay, then I will let you. But if you won’t sorry people, I won’t beg you, chase you for you to stay. Because if you love me, YOU WILL STAY NO MATTER HOW COMPLICATED I AM.

I WILL NOW STOP EXPLAINING MY SIDE BESIDES, YOU DON’T DESERVE IT. YOU DON’T DESERVE ME, YOU DON’T DESERVE EVERYTHING I HAVE.

I will just throw away those memories with you think like I have to wake up from a long long long nap.

[shesbeingocean]

L E T T I N G G O

Feel empty because everyone leaves. Feel that I’m a bad person because NO ONE CHOSE TO STAY. Feel tired of pains. Feel tired of heartaches Feel tired of pretending Feel tired wearing my maskara Feel tired of showing people that everything’s fine. Feel tired of being me. Feel tired of being an option. Feel tired of no one Feel tired of pleasing people Feel tired of being alone. Feel tired of being so jealousy Feel tired of smiling Feel tired of laughing Feel tired of crying Feel tired of suppressing my emotions Feel tired of EVERYTHING...

I JUST FEEL TIRED. I am just a person who wants comfort, to be happy, to be loved, to be the priority, to be someone’s EVERYTHING. But everyone leaves, EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE and I’m really used to it. I shouldn’t please people who didn’t choose to stay. I AM TIRED. I WAS JUST TIRED.

Today, I choose to let go of everything. I want to restart my life, my heart, my mind, my soul and my energy. I WILL LET GO THOSE WHO LEAVES, I WILL LET GO THOSE PAIN, HEARTACHES, that I have been dealing since 2018 starts. Today, I will let go those who wants to leave me alone. Today, I will protect my heart, I will always choose myself over anything, I will always CHOOSE ME. I will always CHOOSE MYSELF RATHER THAN EVERYTHING.

I will not forget those lessons that I have learned in this journey, parody world makes you feel sad, and empty too. But yeah, that’s life. People come and go and I guess this would be my last journey here in this parody world.

Today, I WILL JUST FOCUS ON REAL WORLD. I will forget the parody world and I’ll treat a parody world just like dreams that I have waken up on the long, long, nap. 

[shesbeingocean]

S A N A I K A W

I was just inspired to do this because I’m still ‘nanghihinayang’ because of what happened between me and him.

Ikaw ay dumating bigla Sa aking mundo Hindi inaakalang Ngitian mo ako Para akong natunaw Sa lambing nito Di ka na maalis sa isip ko… 

Oo nga, bigla kang dumating sa buhay ko out of nowhere, hindi ko alam kung ano purpose mo, hindi ko alam kung bakit, hindi ko alam kung paano pero ang saya saya ko kahit biglaan lang ang pagkakilala natin nu’n kahit binigla lang tayo ng parents natin na magka-sundo kasi naaalala ko pa, para daw tayong aso’t pusa.

Paano na ngayon Ako’y litong lito Bakit kaya ako Nahulog na sa iyo Pero meron ka nang Ibang minamahal… Hindi naman mahati Ang puso

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari, dahil ang gusto ko lang naman ay makita ka, makasama ka, makalaro ka, pero hindi ko alam kung paano, kung bakit, kung saan, kung kailan, bigla kong ginustong MAHALIN ka sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan. Pero ngayon, may mahal ka ng iba at soon to be, magkakaroon ka na ng ILAW NG TAHANAN. Masaya ako para sa’yo, masaya ako kasi matutupad mo na ‘yung PANGARAP NATIN. Kahit sa iba mo tinupad, ayus lang. Wala naman akong ibang hiling kung hindi ang maging masaya ka eh.

Kaya pag-ibig, pinipigilan ko Pag-ibig na sana ay sa iyo Diba’t nararapat sa iyo Pag-ibig na buong buo ‘Di ko makakayang May saktan na iba

Pipigilan ko nalang itong nararamdaman ko para sa’yo, ako nalang ang lalayo, ako nalang ang magsa-sakripisyo, ako nalang ang magpaparaya at magpapalaya dahil kayo ay balang araw bubuo na ng masayang pamilya. Ayaw kong manakit na porke sinaktan niyo ako, gaganti na ako sa kanya, naiintindihan ko siya, nag-mahal lang din siya. At ikaw, from the start naman, siya lang ang mahal mo ‘diba? Siya lang naman ang minahal mo. Kaya ako, okay lang. Paulit-ulit kong sasabihin sa’yo na okay lang ako, BASTA ANG GUSTO KO MASAYA KA.

Kaya’t ikaw ay Mananatili na lang Sa damdamin At aking isipan Iguguhit kita sa alaala Pagkat tayo ay hanggang Panaginip lamang

Sa panaginip ko, TAYO. Sa panaginip ko, AKO ANG MAHAL MO. Sa panaginip ko, MAHAL MO RIN AKO. At sa panaginip ko, AKO ANG BINUNTIS MO. Balang araw, maiintindihan ko rin kung bakit ito ang ginawa ng tadhana saakin. Balang araw, maiintindihan din nila ang sakripisyong ginawa ko para sa’yo, balang araw, MASASABI KO NA MASAYA AKO PARA SA’YO NA WALA NG LUHANG PAPATAK SA AKING MGA MATA.

I admit that I still have so many what if’s in my head but I know it wouldn’t change at all. I know, this is the end of our love story. But please, in this middle of the night, let me feel your touch again, let me feel that you love me, let me feel that I’m yours, let me feel that OUR LOVE WOULD LAST. Kahit ganito ang nangyari saatin, I would still be thankful for the lessons that you taught me, and that pain that you gave me made me stronger and wiser in life. I guess, you are my GREATEST LOVE. Ang hirap mo kasing kalimutan. Hanggang ngayon, nagigising ako ng mga ganitong oras para lang isipin ang mga what if’s ko for you.

Hayaan mo na akong angkinin ka sa huling pagkakataon dahil alam ko namang hindi mo mababasa ito at ito’y saaking isipan at panaginip lamang.

Dearest Pretty Boy,     Though, we ended up separated, please don’t forget that I will always here if you needed someone to lean on. Please don’t forget that our friendship is still there, our friendship is always present in my heart and you owned a big part of it. I know, I wasn’t perfect partner to you but I just want to thanked you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for being always there if I needed you the most. I’ve been through worst, but you never leave me, you never left me, you never leave my side and I must say that YOU ARE THE GREATEST GIFT that I have ever RECEIVED in my life. Though, we separated, I know that our love will always be present, and it would never fade away. Don’t worry, I’ll keep those memories (bad or good) with you. I love you so much and I will always do my love. I will always love you even if this is what happened to us. I love you so much, deary. I love you. ‘Til we meet again, because in another life, I would make you my HUSBAND, I would make you MINE, I am WITH YOU, and YOU’RE MINE. In another life, I AM YOUR GIRL.

PS: You saved my life also, Thank you.

Sincerely, M2M.

[shesbeingocean]

Dear Old Self...

To be honest, I am so tired to bring back the old you. Before, I lost you because I keep pleasing people not to leave me. But now? I lost for the second time ‘cause I keep chasing the old you. Maybe I have to accept that you’ve grown, you’ve changed. And I cannot bring back the past anymore. There will always be a border between us. And so today, I would love to finally say goodbye to the old you.

Thank you for the memories, thank you for being sweet to the other people, thank you for being sensitive enough ‘cause you taught them how to be sensitive when it comes to their words. Thank you for being humble even if sometimes you don’t believe that you’re beautiful. Yes, you are intelligent, pretty, beautiful, kind, and strong. You are that kind of pie. We’re so thankful to have you.

I completely understand why suddenly you became different. Cold, unfaithful, messy, fuck, and it brings the worst out of you. You became worst Marichelle, to be honest. But you know what? Despite of your mental illness, despite of your depression, anxiety, issues, you remained strong. You stand straight and fight instead of giving up. Keep it up that kind of attitude of yours ‘cause that’s what I like the most.

To the old me, who almost reach her dreams. Hey, I’m ready for the change that I have to encounter. I’m ready to fight for a second time, I’m ready to be brave, to toughen up myself, to remind myself that everyday is worth to fight. I’m ready for a new beginning, for my new me, for my new journey, for my new challenges that I have to encounter.

World, I’m ready. I won’t promise that I won’t get tired, I won’t promise that I won’t break down. But one thing’s for sure, I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I will not give up of FIGHTING. I will not give of TRYING. I will not give up of REACHING MY DREAMS. I will not give up on MYSELF.

I will just go with the flow whatever happens. I’m ready to accept rejections, hurt, pain, without feeling anything. Today, I will choose to be a better person and better version of myself instead of fucking my life for almost everyday.

I’m ready to face the world, I’m ready... I’m ready, I know, ‘cause I am strong. <3

[shesbeingocean]

Before January ends...

This month had been a challenged for me. It wasn’t easy to deal with those people who already forgotten about you. But life must go on. You must be tough, numb for everything that you feel. Keeping secrets, keeping your feelings wouldn’t be easy but as time passes by you’ll get used to keep secrets and at the same time you’ll get used to the pain that you have in your chest.

As I grow older, I learned how to stopped myself from pleasing other people. For begging to stay with me, to understand me, this is new to me. I don’t know how I did that thing. Maybe because I am so tired to deal with people’s shit. I’d rather to be alone, I’d rather to be with myself all the time, I’d rather to trust with NO ONE. Than to hang out with my friends. (If I have any)

Having this kind of feeling wouldn’t always be easy, you’re not secured, you’re not sure if the people around are telling the truth, or being true to you. Having this kind of independent so hard to achieve. ‘Cause in the end, you’ll miss having friends, hanging out with them. But sadly, you’ve changed. You’ve turned to someone you don’t know. You will always choose to be alone rather than to hang out without any reasons.

They said that I’ve changed a lot. To be honest, I missed my old self, I missed the days when I used to hang out with friends, when everything wasn’t complicated. I missed my innocence. But people change, maybe because I’ve experienced all of the heartaches in this world that’s why I’m acting this way. And I’m sorry.

Sorry for those who I’ve hurt everytime I say I’m not free or I have no time. Sorry if I changed a lot without your knowledge. I’m sorry if I cannot bring back everything that we used to. I’m sorry if I cannot please everybody anymore. I’m sorry.

But guys, This is me. Whether you like it or not, I can’t bring back my old self anymore. 'Cause I’m afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of pain, I’m afraid of getting hurt, I’m afraid by getting used, I AM AFRAID ANYMORE. You cannot blamed me if I changed. Sorry, guys. I am really sorry.

At the end of the day, I will always be grateful for the times that we had, I will always be thankful at some time, we crossed our path and shared memories. At the end of the day, we cannot deny that we’ve been part of each other’s lives. We cannot deny this all. So, I’m here to say thank you for the memories, for sharing thoughts, for opening problems, for being there when I needed someone to lean on. And for the things that we used to had.

I will not force you to be with me again, but if you want to stay in my life and to continue what we had, I will give you a chance. But if not, sorry darling, I’m tired of pleasing people just to stay with my life. If you’re tired to deal with me, it’s fine. I’m getting used that people around will always left me.

Maybe, I became like this 'cause I LOVE MYSELF MORE than ANYONE ELSE. So I’d rather to stay away from the people who’ll always gives me problem, bullshits and everything. So, sorry guys. Pain changes me and I CANNOT BRING BACK EVERY PIECE OF OLD ME.

Sincerely, Emnm

[shesbeingocean]

I love you Baby girl. ❤

[shesbeingocean]

Mah friend. ❤

[shesbeingocean]

🙃

[shesbeingocean]

It's time. #Changed