This is a compilation of my thoughts during one of the worst times of my life. No one needs to read, this is for my own personal reference.
I wish I could crawl away, into some dark space, and just stay there forever. Not eating, not sleeping, not breathing. Torturing myself just like everyone else does. Then maybe someone will notice how much I hate myself and want myself to hurt. Maybe that person will stop hurting me too.
I don’t know what I’m feeling. This is all too much.
Faking smiles has never hurt this much.
If he’s gone he takes my heart with him. My air. My sun, moon, and stars. My soul. I can’t lose him.
Can’t I just be upset without having to focus on what’s really making me upset?
Almost 3 am, I love the cold, dark, lonely feeling.
Sorry I almost killed you.
Yes it hurts. But all wounds heal, no matter how bad the scar. If you can move past the scar and make it mean something then everything will be fine.
I’m asking you to stay for me
I really need you there for me
No one’s truly cared for me
Can’t stand to see you hurt for me
Rise up from the dirt for me
Try and not be fake for me
Don’t let your chest quake for me
The words will not come out for me
Wondering what it’s about for me
I guess that all I want to say is
To a fighter and a friend
I can’t see inside of him
Sometimes I want to slit my wrists without having the repercussions. I don’t want to lose blood, I don’t want the scab or scar, I don’t want anyone to find out and be upset. I don’t even want it to last more than a minute. I want to cut myself open and bleed and then I want it to instantly heal and be fine.
I wish I could believe three words more than the rest
All I want is to curl up in his nest
Of comforting words and support and passion
But all I can feel is depression lashin
Why is “I love you” so hard to hear?
I don’t know what’s my biggest fear here
I’d like to go on a walk in hopes of getting lost
Sometimes I wonder just how many times what’s being said to me has been said to someone else
I can sit here and rewrite one lousy sentence for five aching minutes. In that time you’re wondering where I’ve gone and I’m still here trying to turn my emotions into something comprehensible.
I’ve decided that I’ll stop complaining
I’m realizing no one is gaining
And I’m sick of all these tears raining
I’m glad that I’m done with this gaming
And all the emotional straining
And I think that it’s time to stop staining
Off the sad feelings and tend
So, your ears may I lend?
Pain I’ll ignore so that I can mend
Out the hurt cause it shouldn’t belong
It hurts so fucking much and I need it to stop.
I don’t want it to be like this. Something’s holding me back from the kiss and as much as I tell him I don’t know why, all that is a huge fucking lie. I have feelings for him, of course that’s true, but can they even compare to the ones for you? Replace you? Displace you? No thanks I’d rather face you and tell you that I love you. Even when I want to shove you out my mind, maybe then I’ll be above you. Like a nest and a dove you can’t leave oh fuck please don’t deceive all this trust that I’ve heaved on your tree full of leaves that are falling and I just want to catch them, and maybe I latch them, in my heart and hatch them into something fucking beautiful, because you’re at the brim full of hurt and hate and I’m late and can’t put fate in the dirt. If this is how it’s meant to be then it’ll be my plight. But I’m not, fuck it-we’re not, going down without a god damn fight.
I’m hoping this is just a phase
Cause I can’t live without your face
When I can not get through
Or the hurt, anger, fear?
My emotions are too unclear
I know this makes no sense
And I think I’m on defense
Because your words can slice me
And those goodbyes they knifed me
Straight through my heart
Like the board to those darts
But we’ve used up our starts
Because your debt is paid
And you don’t have to raid
Through the depths to trade
Though I wish you’d have stayed
Put a smile on then break it
And then for your sake it
Because when I’m with you I’m happy
When you’re with her I’m crappy
Let it stay there a while
Through your being and wrap
And tell yourself “shine on”
And this is what you choose
And I’ll let myself lose.
I don’t remember when it was. I think that makes it a bit worse.
I was recently (starting two weeks ago) looking down at my hip. I have a scar about an inch long from cutting right there. Above it, I noticed a sort of circular-ish shape of dry, peeling, rough skin. I thought I had just scratched it on something and that it was no big deal. After looking at it everyday I noticed it wasn’t healing like a normal scratch. And it was really dry and skin flakey. I thought I was getting some disease where your skin gets those dry patches. Well, a few minutes ago I was looking again. And I remembered.
I burned myself there. I don’t remember when which is pissing me off. I barely remember it happening. It was with a charm from a necklace that I wanted on me. The shape didn’t turn out right. But anyway. In that moment, I was so upset or mad or depressed that I didn’t even remember doing it. And I just now remembered….after weeks.
So I’ll keep my mouth shut
Wait! One if, and, or but
Doesn’t count as confession
They’re jealous of each other
Craving cease with the other
He says “Don’t hang out alone”
And to not pick up my phone
And to not drink from his cup
And not hug three seconds up
And not be so fucking close
But please give me my dose
The man he wants me to leave
Has always helped me grieve?
But I’ve never let him go
And I’m not going with that flow
This guy’s reminding me of snow-
Hmm, what’s there to oppose?
Both hating on the one threat
Because, I’m sure they could both bet,
This one’s the only danger
I’m the feed in his manger
Because he keeps me collected
And he keeps me protected
I know someone else wants that part
But I can’t kick him out of my heart
Maybe this controlling is what I need
We both know our relationship is an abnormal deed
The only thing keeping me together right now is one very special Joker. I don’t think you know what I’m talking about. I hope you do. Oh well.
Sometimes I stop and think
Until the next time I forget
Sparrows and cats will live in my shoe
Sooner than I can live without you.
Fish will come walking out of the sea
Sooner than you will come back to me.
And a semi sticky feeling is left
Instead I think I shout it
I want you with every look
I need you with every touch
I love you with every word
You’re the best thing that’s happened
And telling you is absurd
If I do, everything changes
Our life after that ranges
So away I sit, at this end
I don’t want to love if it’s not you.
I can’t rhyme with these commotions
There’s still hope when it’s done
I’ve been thinking. And it’s hard to know that I have single handedly fucked up the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever had. Woo me.
I’m screaming for him to notice. I’m pushing him away and holding him for dear life and it’s exhausting. I treat him like shit. I’m an emotional bitch. I’m sitting here selfishly letting tears fall while he’s over there doing anything he can to make me smile. So why aren’t I smiling?
Falling asleep on a wet pillow has become much too routine.
What the fuck did I do wrong?
And really really fucking fuck you.
You’ve got a lot to say for the one who pushed me away.
Trying not to think about him about it hard.
Trying to forget is even harder.
Trying to ignore him is the worst.
I think all this trying must be cursed.
Scratches on my arm and they pretend not to notice
I just want you to watch me hurt so you can see what you’ve fucking done to me.
janainaart
kaledo-art
prguitarman
titsay
jacobvanloon
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
