Watercoloured Eyes

Lie me down and kiss me to sleep Twenty Veteran Sad Girl Posting my life, my hobbies, my favourites

[paper-wounds]

[shesnotallthere]

my heart hurts. its sore and deep and bloodied, sinking into the depths of my stomach and burning in bile and acid. 

[shesnotallthere]

his hands are around my throat

i stop saying my no’s

waiting in silence, eyes staring at the ceiling

he comes and he goes

cry in the bathroom alone

this is the life you chose

clean up, put a smile on

another one of his hoes

[shesnotallthere]

hit me hard

love me harder

[shesnotallthere]

Mama do you still love me?

an original poem

Mama do you still love me?

with eyeliner on and lipstick smeared

Mama do you still love me?

wearing my heels, crying black tears

Mama do you still love me?

sleeping around with a dozen men

Mama do you still love me?

im not who I was way back when

Mama do you still love me?

he smacks my ass when i twirl

Mama do you still love me?

i wish i was still your little girl

[shesnotallthere]

living in my head

please let me out, let me see the real world, let me smell the grass and hear the trees

i truely dont exist in the real world

even my relationships are littered with my own imagination taking over

i dont know how to exist

[shesnotallthere]

He loves me

He loves me not

Either way, he has me

[shesnotallthere]

lonely. always.

[shesnotallthere]

I just want to love,

Looking up at you with wide eyes

You don’t have to do anything

Just let me love you

[shesnotallthere]

What do it mean if it all means nothing?

[shesnotallthere]

I can’t do this again

You promised to change

Promised to never hurt me

But here you are again,

Hurting me again

[shesnotallthere]

I’ve never yearned for something more than I yearn for you

Just to hold you, to be your loyal disciple and follow where you go

I simply wish to adore you, to have you within arms length

[shesnotallthere]

i remember being a little girl, putting droplets of spit on handwritten notes, begging for my mother’s forgiveness. id draw a picture, trying to appease her.

im sorry mummy

im sorry mama

can i please come out?

please dont be mad

im sorry

i wont do it again

id slide the paper under her door and wait for her to come knock on mine. she rarely came by, letting me cry it out until morning. she wouldn’t apologise. she wouldn’t hug or kiss me. she would make breakfast and move on, sending me off to school.

[shesnotallthere]

‘In the end, I only wanted you to love me more than anyone you ever loved.

More than the stars in the sky.

More than the blood in your very own veins.

And so, selfishly, whenever I felt you were pulling away from me,

whenever we argued so bad or slammed those doors,

or said those things and I grew scared of losing you or was mad at myself for losing me,

I wanted to make everything better right away.’

“To Love Someone Means You Occasionally Want To Murder Them” - Serge Bielanko

[shesnotallthere]

the lights are on but you’re not home

please pick up the fucking phone

im checking the windows, banging on the door

but it seems like no one’s here anymore

[shesnotallthere]

i miss you so much

i wont see you again

i wont touch you again

all i can do is miss you

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