My Sweet Boy,

Why.

[shibbyscribbles]

Standstill.

I understand it now. You feel this sort of buzz, this high, a sensation of feeling nothing at all. Like the world has stood still and nothing around you matters. It’s almost as if it disguised itself as a friend coming to comfort you. It makes you feel how you wish you could.

Numb.

As soon as you feel it trying to leave you beg it to stay. To keep you company. You don’t want it to go. You want to be there for a while. And you keep drinking, hoping that you’ll black out soon. That your reality will disappear and that you’ll forget who you are. Maybe it’ll make you feel the way you wish you did. Dead. Non existent. Gone for a while at least. An escape that costs you your health and your happiness. You don’t want to see your reality so you choose to blackout and make it go away.

The best part is you know how it kills you. And you know how badly you feel about life but you’d never go as far as to end it. It’s not your decision to make an end. You’ve done nothing of purpose yet so why would you deserve eternal life? And you go back and forth between a will to live and the meaning of life at all. Who am I and what is my purpose? I don’t deserve to die if I haven’t even had the strength to live. The thoughts that run through my head are only the ones alcohol invites out. and only this keyoboard will ever know. To the rest of the world,

I’m fine.

[shibbyscribbles]

Illness. Everywhere.

Is it strange to feel guilty for feeling sad? Why should I be sad when people have it way worse than I do... But then why are my feelings not just as valid as any one else’s?

[uptional]

“You never apologized to me for hurting me, but I apologized to you 12 times for being angry about it.”

— Unknown. (via nobroken)

[shibbyscribbles]

I hate feeling like I’m not what you want.

[shibbyscribbles]

The problem

He asks after not speaking to me for nearly a week.

“What’s your problem?”

I don’t know.. maybe the fact that we have had no connection at all. The fact that you haven’t even tried to speak to me or maybe the fact that all you ever think about is yourself and your damn life. So why is it that when I do the same thing I have a “problem “ now. Just because my entire life isn’t admiring and revolving around you.

[shibbyscribbles]

You’re a damn liar.

Words fell from your mouth the same way I fell for you.

Easily.

Quickly.

And without much thought.

[shibbyscribbles]

You don’t know

[shibbyscribbles]

It was always waiting with you. Wait til this wait til that. “One day” “in the future”. That passed a long time ago. I learned that if I want something I do it myself and I do it for myself. Waiting on you is absolute bullshit. The emptiest promise I’ve ever heard.

[shibbyscribbles]

Love isn’t about finding somebody you can’t live without it’s finding somebody who adds to your life

[shibbyscribbles]

Words are knives

With each word we tore deeper into each other. The more we spoke the more we bled. Our words were splintered into each other and serrated our own hearts. We knew what we were saying and we just wanted to see who was truly right. We tore ourselves to shreds. And I can’t see how I’ll ever be able to put myself back together and feel the same.

[shibbyscribbles]

“You don’t love me anymore?”

I guess I thought I did.

[triflingthing]

[shibbyscribbles]

When will people realize that when I say “I feel like dying”, that I’m not actually joking. That when I say I need help, When I say I’m not okay, When I say I need a doctor and that I have mental issues… I’m not joking? When will someone realize that I cry every night because I feel disgusting about myself and hate absolutely everything in this life. I hate the fact that I can’t be warm with others because I don’t know how to socialize. I hate that I can’t be caring like everyone else because I don’t know how to. I hate not being able to be happy and everyone thinking I have an “attitude problem”. I hate talking to myself, having to comfort myself because I can’t tell anybody how I’m feeling. When will they stop laughing my feelings off and realize that I’m not joking, that I never was. I feel dead inside already. Isn’t that enough?

[shibbyscribbles]

It's not a dream

You’re in my head again. You’re under my skin, in my veins. I can feel you everywhere. I’ve taken you too many times, in doses of plenty. If I don’t have you in the morning & night my stomach churns of withdrawals. I need you every three hours or so or I’ll get anxious. At times I sit and stare at myself until I can’t bare looking anymore. A mirror welcomes a stranger in its reflection. It’s quite blurry in here, as if I’m sitting in a winter snow globe watching everything around me move by so languidly. It’s foggy. It’s worn. I keep walking, though a path is never in sight. All I know is that there’s no ground and there’s no stopping. Tell me I can sleep this off.

[shibbyscribbles]

She was the wind. -L

[shibbyscribbles]

[edithalicepoe]

It doesn’t take much to turn a yes into a no. Certainty into hesitation. Love to resentment. It starts with indifference. You stop kissing her forehead before you go to sleep. You don’t notice. She does. You begin to anticipate the candlelit dinners and movie nights. You stop thanking her for making your favorite pasta. She stops wearing that shade of lipstick you love. You don’t notice. When she puts on the lacy black that always caught your eye and beckons you through the doorway you call back, “In a minute.” She is asleep when you go to the bedroom, bits of lace sprinkled on the carpet. You start to lose her. She stops telling you about her day; You stop asking. She wanted you to keep asking. You don’t call her on your lunch anymore, “just to hear her voice.” She hears every ring that never happens again. You are tired, you are busy, you just need a break. You love her, you need her, you swear. You swear. You swear. You swear at her. You wish she didn’t notice. So does she. This is how you lose her. When the love becomes mundane and everything that made her beautiful now seems ordinary… You lose her. When you stop feeling your chest tighten every time she smiles at you; and when you cease to tell her the way she bites her nails makes you forget to breathe, You lose her. Because she will notice. Every lost kiss, forgotten call, absent affection- She notices. And when she begins to feel ordinary… You’ve lost her.

A million times you lose her (via edithallanpoe)