Survival Tips for S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruits

Tips of the trade for new agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., from those who've been there before. Please feel free to submit your own!

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #570: Familiarize yourself with the Evil Overlord List and be sure to develop a mental list of ways to counteract any included slip-ups by hostile forces.

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #569: Despite what Deadpool might say, we are not actually fictional characters.

[Submitted anonymously.]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #568: Don't touch Lola.

[And this is as good a way as any as saying that there's no better time to be back in business. Sorry for the unannounced hiatus.]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #567: Field agents must stop shouting 'To the Batmobile!' when returning to the Helicarrier at the conclusion of missions.

[Submitted by punkrockartpirate]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #537: Please do not try to tell Mr. Stark or Captain Rogers that you 'ship them', and do not try to convince them that they got married in an alternate universe.

[Submitted independently in multiple variations.]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #565: There is not, nor will there ever be, a S.H.I.E.L.D Christmas pin-up calendar of various agents.

[Submitted anonymously]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #564: While it might seems like a kind gesture, trying to give Doctor Banner a hug when he seems stressed is actually a very bad idea.

[Submitted by louxia]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #563: Play Gangnam Style at your own risk. Some people will happily join in, others will not react nearly as well.

[Submitted by papermassacre]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #562: If you see Wade Wilson tampering with the coffee machines, report it immediately and don't let anyone drink from them.

[Submitted by elkian]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #561: In the event that Dr. Banner becomes enraged, please do not attempt to perform the Vulcan Neck Pinch on the Hulk to calm him down.

[Submitted by hardboiledandwutnot]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #560: Never underestimate Squirrel Girl.

[Submitted by louxia]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #559: Yes, we are aware of other superpowered beings on the planet. No, you may not suggest that we make them Avengers. The team is very carefully formed.

[Submitted by askflitterandcloudchaser]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #558: If you are involved in a mission in which you are aiding the Heroes for Hire, do not call them mercenaries, do not bring up the Power Man tiara to Luke Cage, and do not ask Iron Fist to do 'some crazy Bruce Lee moves'.

[Submitted anonymously]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #557: Do not ask if Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner are 'just going to make out already' as Mr. Stark may well take you very seriously.

[Submitted anonymously]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #556: If you do indeed catch Agent Barton 'nesting' in the rafters, do not tease him about it. Any injuries from distasteful bird jokes being made are entirely your fault.

[Submitted anonymously]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #555: Remember that only Deadpool is allowed to break the fourth wall.

[Submitted anonymously]

[shieldrecruitsurvivaltips]

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #554: Should you bring a personal cell phone into the workplace, keep in mind the people you work among. It is highly likely that the contents of the phone will be compromised, so be wary of keeping intensely personal photos or audio on it for any length of time.

[Submitted by ninjakana]