“the world is not funny.”
“the world is not funny: Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants.”
“entertainers are not here to help you, they are here to control you.”
“never give them what they want.”
“if you can divide by zero let me hear you say ‘hell yeah!’”
“don’t be pavlovian. I’m looking for actual answers here.”
“pot is ruining America.”
“yeah we got a room full of pot heads, we’re gonna need back up.”
“I have no idea what’s going on over there.”
“what are they fighting about?”
“they have similar hats.”
“I can’t wrap my mind around exactly why I’m here.”
“I just hope I don’t get more from this than you do.”
“I would love to tell you that everything is fine.”
“you wanna be happy? well get in line.”
“yeah this is almost musically incoherent at this point.”
“y’all ain’t never seen a comedy show like this in your fucking lives, and for good reason: it get’s old after a while.”
“so I was at the dentist the other day, and nothing funny happened so I was like ‘don’t mention that on stage’”
“I already fucked it up.”
“haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. you need to reject both ends of the spectrum to leave a healthy middle.”
“I love the idea of you.”
“I’m trying to immortalize something I’ve worked on for a long time, shut up!”
“I have not made my mind up about masturbation, because, on one hand it feels good…”
“did you not think I was gonna use it, idiots?”
“I’ve got a lot of problems in my life, so I wrote a song about some of the problems in my life.”
“I got no one to talk to.”“If I could change don’t you think that I’d do it?”
“God only knows why he cursed me to be a straight, white man.”
“I state my problems, other people roll their eyes.”
“I’ve never been the victim of a random search for drugs, but you can’t say my life is easy until you’ve walked a mile in my Uggs.”
“the gays want kids… what?”
“can’t you just leave us alone? Also, no, to the things you asked for.”
“they’re being greedy and they know it.”
“everyone thinks that I’ve got it easy and just cause it’s true, doesn’t mean that it’s right.”
“give me a chance to show you what it is like to be a straight, white man.”
“my wife bought me the brand new iPhone… with and iPod Touch’s case, the case doesn’t fit that phone!”
“we used to have all the money and land, ans we still do but it’s not as fun now.”
“white guys invented everything but peanut butter, I believe, that’s what I was taught in school.”
“it doesn’t sound right but the american educational system having a racial bias? no way, joseph.”
“put the lights down, their faces creep me out.”
“why is it that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she’s labeled a slut yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket I’m a murder?”
“that wasn’t clever it was just mean.”
*singing* “you’re a faggot! you’re a faggot! you’re a fucking faaaggot!”
“ —why was it on a record player? You know it’s one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing. that’s gonna outlive me.”
“just to be clear I wrote, conceived and executed the entirety of that bit, do not give those dumb fucks any credit.”
“two examples is enough.”
“a lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses, and a better comedian wouldn’t have done it at all.”
“tomorrow is a relative term, we’re not getting there… which make’s ‘Annie’ more depressing.”
“fuck you! you don’t know where I’m going, don’t act like it! you are not ahead of me!”
“honesty is for the birds, baby.”
“that’s textbook pandering.”
“I hope my southern charm offsets all of these rape-y vibes I’m puttin’ out.”
“they’re lying to you, that’s all.”
“you deserve better. I’m not saying I’m it, but I’m the guy that says you deserve better, you go get better and you say ‘thank you weird man, bye’”
“it’s the end of culture! culture’s over, everybody, we lost!”
“I saw a gorgeous… dick.”
“yeah, ‘wooo’ that sadness out.”
“you might think this guy only exists in your mind, but guess what? you’re right.”
“if you want love, lower your expectations.”
“Prince Charming would never settle for you.”
“If you want love, just pick a guy/girl and love him/her.”
“If he’s got a thing for feet say ‘fuck it, sweep me off them.’”
“the good thing is, at least men have very real expectations for women …he said, sarcastically.”
“you might think this girl only exists in your mind, but she’s real– but last week, she died.”
“you might think your dick is a gift, I promise it’s not.”
“but we all deserve love, even on the days when we aren’t our best. ‘cause we all suck, but love can make us suck less.”
“it’s the very best part of being alive, and I would know, I just turned twenty-five.”
“original does not mean good.”
“I don’t wanna get political because I only know my ideas of other people’s ideas.”
“mother fucker’s got moving candles!”
“are you drunk? have you been drinking again? you’re fucking wasted, aren’t you?”
“what’s behind your back? what are you holding behind your back?”
“that’s… mayonnaise. that is a jar or mayonnaise, that is not peanut butter. why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise?”
“no, no I WILL have to clean it up, because you’ll make it worse if you try.”
“this is what I deal with man, this is what I deal with Monday through… Monday.”
“guys I was at the store recently and –no, i’ll save you time… I bought something.”
“they’re not sponsoring me I’m just trying to get them to.”
“they like to kick you when times get rough, and you give your all, but it’s not enough.”
“sticks and stones might break your bones but words can break your heart.”
“if you don’t know where to go I’ll tell you where to start: kill yourself.”
“kill yourself! it’ll only take a minute, you’ll be happy that you did it!”
“just go over to your oven and stick your head in it.”
“just grab a mug and chug a cup of lighter fluid.”
“I feel like you’ve pulled back, maybe it’s on account of the face I’m telling you to kill yourself over and over.”
“life’s toughest problems don’t have simple answers.”“get it through your head – ‘it’ being a bullet.”
“I don’t like explaining jokes but the one where I tell everyone to kill themselves might deserve an explanation.”
“if you’re offended, do not right a blog, I apologize immediately. SORRY! right away!”
“do not objectify me. you think it’s okay just ‘cause I’m a dude?”
“you think it’s okay because he’s a dude?”
“life is not always rock and roll.”
“it’s over. we shouldn’t fight to stay together, just to fight again.”
“we need to take a break from us to make us right again.”
“when the dust has settled I hope we can still be friends.”
“eat a dick!”“I think I made the right decision.”
“okay, you’re angry. I can see that, but you don’t have to make this harder than it has to be.”
“honestly are you fucking five?”
“I’m saying how I’m feeling, and then you’re saying ‘eat a dick’ over and over again.”
“see I think the issue is I got my father’s temper and I’m emotionally inarticulate so rather than being honest and vulnerable I did a quick switch ‘cause I’m hurt inside and I’m trying to hide it so-” *crying* “eat a dick bitch!”
“I didn’t think you’d cry for me. I didn’t think you cared.”
“I thought you were lashing out in anger, but now I see you’re scared. I’m scared too.”
“maybe we can work this out and not break up.”
“you think three lousy tears offsets three years of shit?”
“I deserve better than you.”
“it’s a very diverse crowd –I mean more European than I had hoped.”
“I had a privileged life, AND I got luck, AND I’m unhappy.”
“And now you’re thinking, ‘how the fuck are you gonna dig yourself out of this weird hole?’”
“oh you want me to be funny AND make a point?”
“he talked about his problem: race… power… his $90 t-shirts weren’t selling very well, that was most of it.”
“I’ll be honest, my problems are not as high-stakes as Kanye’s.”
“I can’t fit my hand inside a Pringles can. I have a huge amount of trouble fitting my hand inside of Pringles can. I can get my hand like four inches into the can but then I have to tilt the can into my mouth but by that point a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can and they all go spilling onto my face.”
“what I’m trying to say is the diameter of a Pringle can is way to small.”
“I wanna have a daughter. I wanna have a daughter so I can finally have someone around the house that can fit their hand inside of Pringles can– Yes I am still on the Pringle cans thing. Yeah, I’ll move on, but that is priority numero uno.”
“I don’t go to the gym because I’m self conscious about my body, but I’m self conscious about my body because I don’t go to the gym. Irony can be so painful.”
“I went to Chipotle. Got myself a chicken burrito. I went down the line, I got like all these ingredients and then at the end of the line the guy tried to wrap the burrito but have of the shit inside spilled out and he still tried to wrap it and I was like ‘dude you warned me. you’re a burrito expert, you should’ve told me halfway through ‘hey man you might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here.’ do you think I want a messy burrito? no one wants a messy burrito.”
“the whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained within the confines of the tortilla. I wouldn’t have gotten half this shit if I knew it wasn’t gonna fit in the burrito.”
“I’m okay with small mistakes like if you got no more chicken I’ll take pork but I’ll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork.”
“I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are Pringles cans and burritos.”
“the truth is my biggest problem is you. I wanna please you, but I wanna stay true to myself.”
“I wanna give you the night out you deserve.”
“I wanna say what I think, and not care what you think about it.”
“A part of me loves you, a part of me hates you, a part of me needs you, a part of me fears you.”
“I don’t think that I can handle this right now.”
“come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself.”
“on a scale from one to zero: are you happy?”
“you’re on your own from here.”
“what the fuck kind of question is ‘am I happy’?”
“I really wanna try to get happy, and I think that I could get it if I didn’t panic every time I’m unhappy.”
“oh, god, my dad was right.”
“you’re everything you hated. are you happy?”
stormborns
2087
gracieabrams
romaincrisis
