失 眠 Shīmián

This is my happy haven. Sometimes I pour out my thoughts to express my feelings. My opinions are strong, but my heart constantly yearns for peace. Shīmián is a Chinese ter m for Insomnia. In Japanese it means Fuminshoo

[shimian]

Pagkatapos ng mahigit tatlong taong pakikipaglaban sa kunsensya, sa demonyong nagpahirap sa aking moral at ngayon sa paninindigang hinding hindi magpapaloko sa mga taong walang inisip kundi ang pansariling kapakanan, masasabi kong malaya na nga ako sa traumang pinagdaanan ko.

Kinakaya ko nang balikan ang mga bagay na pinadirihan at kinatatakutan kong balikan. Ito'y matapos kong sunugin ang huling poste ng ugnayan ko sa tinuring kong mga kaibigan. Ngayon dineklara ko na silang KAAWAY at ni minsan hinding hindi ko sila naging kaibigan. Mulat sa pul masama at maitim ang intensyon nila. Period.

Dahil sa matinding trauma nagdesisyon ako maging maingat na sa lahat ng mga nakakasalamuha. Lahat ng kaibigan nila kaaway ko. Kaya halos lahat ng mga pipitsugung kasamahan ko sa trabaho ngayon ay kaaway ko.

Wala naman akong ginagawa. Di ko lang sila pinapansin na para bang wala sila roon. Alam kong pinagkakaisahan nila ako pero nakamasid lang ako. Kapag nanakit na lumalaban ako.

Mahirap din ang sitwasyon pero mas mabuti na yun kesa makianib ako sa mga tulad nila.

#traumasurvivor

[shimian]

You can't cover up your past by building your present.

An affair is still an affair.

And I was a witness to that.

Remember that.

[shimian]

It's been more than a month that my stomach started churning.

It worsend when the only friend (I though she was) suddenly stopped talking and refused to look my way without any hint of explanation.

That's the last straw of #rejection.

[wordwizards]

new tumblr people if you have a blank blog and you only like stuff but never reblog anything people are going to assume you're not a real person and block you

[shimian]

I'm a real person 😌

[shimian]

When you've revealed so much in writing, although privately, that you begin to get terrified revisiting the words you've created, stated. Most of the time, unspoken words are calmer where they are, than spawning them in the open, in print, public or private. It seems that the consequence of putting them into words would create a monster of it's own.

[shimian]

What If I don't want to believe anything anymore? I must be stone cold or light as a fallen leaf so that I won't feel anything. Maybe it's a good state of being if you're just letting life pass by.

[shimian]

In Excess of Grace.

When you finally realize you are not loved enough, that whatever you do nothing seems to work out for you. The bad guys gets the best seats, with those whom they like to sit with. You do the right thing, they do the bad. Yet fate has a flaw because you're not on the reward list. Now you're on a cold pavement outside facing the closed front door, looking lost, feeling left out. You still feel the warmth of your hands and weight of your tired arms, from the life-giving efforts you gave behind those walls, now staring back at you with the coldest of eyes, judging you, rejecting, cancelling. Then, you look back on your life and recognized a familiar path of rejection. You ask yourself what have you done to deserve such unprecedented unluck. God must have created you by mistake, that all considerations given to you are just in excess of grace. Yes, I guess all you deserve is an excess of goodness, when everyone has already received their abundant share. You come to a painful resolution that you could never escape the pain, with the only hope that you will get used to it as days progress - so that the pain will eventually be bearable.

[shimian]

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[onlinecounsellingcollege]

7 Tips for Taking Care of your Mental Health

1. Take care of your physical health as this affects your mental health.

2. Take time-out and give yourself some space. You need to get away from the busyness.

3. Invest time in hobbies and doing things you love. These help you to switch off and get in touch with yourself.

4. Develop an attitude of gratitude as that can help remind you of the good things in life.

5. If you can, do your best to stay in top of the mess as a tidy room can help you feel less stressed.

6. Have at least one friend you can turn to when you’re down, as we all need someone who we know is there for us.

7. Avoid toxic people who leave you feeling bad. You have a right to establish healthy boundaries.

[sunsetquotes]

“I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away.”

— Shauna Niequist

[shimian]

I thought so too. But I realized I'm not the architect of my fate. No matter the effort if it isn't in God's plan it will never happen.

[sunsetquotes]

“Saying nothing… sometimes says the most.”

— Emily Dickinson

[creatingnikki]

“We are like books. We wait for someone to find us and open us to see what’s inside. In the end, no one can live without people. When the world changes drastically, people’s diligence keeps it up. We are trees that branch out in solitude and bear fruits. We are beautiful trees with growth rings of our lives. Pride in creating, happiness and trust, those are what it means to make a book. Only after finishing the book I can see what I’ve missed and life goes on the same. Everyone has their own tunnel to pass. A hand from others helps us forget our fear. A book that inspires others may not always inspire you, so find a book that does. When we exchange lines from our heart, we cry, smile and learn to love others. In life, we may face many hurdles, we use each other’s love to jump over them. Loving someone is strange and amazing at the same time. Your hand is always warm because I want you to be warm. The moon is beautiful, and that’s my way of telling you that I love you.”

— Romance is a Bonus Book // Kdrama

[shimian]

Maghihintay

Yung sa tingin pa lang sya na

Kung tumitig ng 3 seconds nakakatunaw na

Yung kahit matagal na matagal na gwapong gwapo ka pa rin sa kanya.

Kahit pumuti ang buhok o kumunot ang balat gusto mo pa rin sya.

At ganun din sya sa akin.

Kahit wala akong make up gandang ganda pa rin sya sa akin

Kahit di ako nakaligo bangong bango pa rin sya sa akin.

Kahit ano pa itsura ko ako pa rin ang gustong kayakap.

Kahit ano pa man ang sitwasyon hinding hindi ako susukuan.

At ganun din ako sa kanya.

Sabi ng iba imposibleng may ganitong mga puso,

Na nagmamahal na para bang itinadhanang mga nilalang.

Ngunit sa gitna ng kawalan, may binubulong sa puso ko,

"Maghintay ka pa nang saglit, na traffic lang".

Wala namang deadline kung wagas na pagibig ang pinauusapan.

Darating kung darating

Kung para syo, ibibigay Nya.

Manalig lang.

[shimian]

When I start doubting, you rise at the occasion.

Why? Just when I start moving out of my own reverie, you charm me back to the labyrinth of make-believe.

Can you just stop messing up with my head and free me from this madness?

[shimian]

Kelan ka magaasawa?

Noong isang linggo ikinasal yung barkada namin. Syempre andun ang tropa. Di tulad nang dati, kapag may party lagi kaming umuuwing lasing. Ngayon naguunahan pang umuwi. Halos lahat kasi may pamilya na.

Maliban sa akin.

Syempre ako ang tampuhan ng biro: "kapag ikay ikakasal, iiwan namin ang lahat makadalo lamang kami", sabay lakas ng tawanan at hagalpakan. Di ko mawari kung seryoso o nagbibiro, pero nagiwan ito ng palaisipan.

Alam sa mga magkakaibigan ang karanasan ko sa pagibig. Madalas kong iniiwasan ang mga nagkakagusto sa akin. Wala akong pinagbigyan niisang humigi man lang kahit isang saglit. Naubos na ata ang mga nireto ng mga kaibigan ko pero ni isa sa kanila wala akong pinagbigyan. Ako na ata ang nagiisang tao na kahit ikulong mo sa kwarto kasama ang isang lalaki ay wala pa ring magyayari.

Hindi dahil matigas ang puso ko, iisa lang kasi ang dereksyon nito - sa taong gusto ko.

Para sa akin kung magkakagusto man lang ako, yung kasama na ang buong pagkatao ko - at hindi lang parte parte. Di ko kayang makipagkiskisan ng balat sa taong di ko man lang nakikita na kasama o kausap ko sa araw araw.

So sa tanong kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay di pa ako nagaasawa, ay dahil wala pang katapat ang aking puso. Sabi nga nila "sa tamang panahon". Kung kelan yan matagal ko nang ipinaubaya kay Lord. Ang hiling ko lang ay kung may tatapat na sa akin sana hindi ko susukuan at ganun din sya sa akin. At lahat ng nais ko sa isang katuwang at relasyon ay andun na rin. Hindi naman siguro imposible kung ang Diyos na ang magbibigay sa akin.

Sa ngayon talaga walang tuma timing. At isa pa, itong puso ko tumitibok pa sa iba.

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[shimian]

Thank you for that vote of confidence. I've waited for so long that may be it won't hurt if I ask for a little extra: a beautiful package like good looks, kissers and lookers like Sung Hoon or Lee Dong-Gun 😍

Matalino at medyo bastos.

My secret romance com esse ator só tinha a intenção de me fazer chorar e ficar encantada com a beleza del… | Celebridades coreanas, Atores c

16/jul/2018 - My secret romance com esse ator só tinha a intenção de me fazer chorar e ficar encantada com a beleza dele

[shimian]

The Other Guy

I saw the other guy. People also thought that we're "bagay". The reason is he's so intelligent that not many could engage him in a normal conversation, except me.

Parang K-Drama ba kung saan gwapo, mayaman, pero maselan at masungit yung bida? Ganoon nga.

Tapos heto ako, nagkataon lang na ako yung pwedeng sumama sa event. Nakilala ko si other guy who's really famous. Wala akong choice but to talk to him. We hit it well from the first minute. He was attentive to what I was saying. Laughing at my silly jokes. Ako naman nageeffort kasi alam kong matalino si other guy. Kung mag English nakaka intoxicate. Gwapo rin naman talaga sya.

Si other guy crush ng bayan. Ako taga hanga din naman pero di naman ako na fall. Pero it also crossed my mind yung "what if he likes me" . Naisip ko baka okay rin naman.

Anyway, yun na nga, we hit it off well. May intellectual connection. Akala ko normal lang sa kanya yun. Pero nalaman ko sa mga kaibigan nya yung tunay nyang ugali kapag kasama nya yung ibang taong na nakapaligid sa kanya. Yun nga mala suplado, unattentive at stubborn (di nakikinig minsan sa opinion ng iba). Sabi ng kaibigan nya parang iba ang aura nya kapag ako ang kausap.

Kaya dun nag simula yung tuksuhan. Pero sa totoo lang kinilig din ako. Syempre, crush ng bayan yan. Sino ba naman ako ikukumpara sa daming mas maganda, mas matalino at mas trendy na mas karapatdapat sa kanyang atensyon. Di ko rin naman pinangarap na pansinin nya ako ng ganito.

Pero di naman nya ako niligawan. Feeling ko dahil sa unang mahal ko kaya sya magparaya. Magkakaibigan kami at lumalabas kaming magkasabay.

Marami nang taon ang dumaan at lahat nang birthdays may greetings kami sa isat isa. Dumalang yung paguusap pero di naman nagkalimutan.

Nagkita ulit kami sa isang event. The intellectual connection is still there. Kahit iba ang hinahanap ng puso ko, napaisip pa rin ako. What if he really likes me? Single pa rin sya at ganun din ako. Malay natin may chance na makapag move on na sa bagong chapter at pumintig naman ang puso ko para sa kanya.