i havent used this blog properly in years might as well turn into something useful for myself like a diary or some shit
so here it is, ramblings from a nobody that needs to let it out
i wouldnt say im a good person, but that doesnt make me bad by default. that is something i myself have been struggling with for years, deep internalized trauma that if ones actions are not good then that means they're someone bad, irredeemable, disgusting, vile, that deserves to be put in their proper place and shut up. not long ago i didnt know how to formulate my own ideas, how to properly react to situations, what emotions goes accordingly to certain events, if you tell me someone is bad, unless their actions are radical enough that even a baby could tell they indeed are, i would struggle to identify WHY that person is bad. i still cant tell when something is supposed to be sad or shocking, people live their whole lives, something normal for you can be absurd to others, i would just observe and move on, it doesnt click in my mind when something is unusual.
recently i developed bad reactions to hearing certain words... well its actually certain names, i remember talking to a friend and they started talking about pepsi, but i misheard it as the name of someone i used to be friends with and had a really bad panic attack. it was not the first time, it happened before with other names. for that same reason i didnt eat oreos for months because it reminded of someone i want to forget. the brain is weird, no matter how much i want to move on, more it dwells in a time when we hang out and everything was okay, more it wants to stay with memories of people who wanted me gone from their lives. rightfully so, i was a dick, a terrible friend. i didnt want to be left alone and i panicked. i dont know if i will be able to tell them why my life was so shitty at that time, sure, it will never excuse why i said or did all that, but i was hoping it would explain a little why it happened.
i had stopped hrt, stopped taking my meds for depression, started taking birth control pills non-stop and finally, my dad was sent to the er... he had throat cancer and was going through treatment for the last 2 years, but he fell sick. they removed the tumor, along with his vocal cords, now he is mute, has a tube in his throat, has not eaten through his mouth in almost a year. the first few months were hell, with dad in the hospital that meant everyone else was there taking care of him and i was home alone with my grandmother, and she made sure to remind me that i was worthless every single day she could when no one was around
"your father should feel ashamed of calling you his child" she said
"your mother is worthless to have raised someone like you to slope around and do nothing" she said
"youre a leech" she said
i am a leech.
19 years and still here. 19 years of life, and i have accomplished nothing. my peers are already in college, pursuing their dreams, living their lives, and im still here. in the same place. doing the same thing ive been doing since i came out of the womb. nothing. no school, no job, no friends.
this was supposed to end with a happy note like "but im figuring my way around! i know what i must do to accomplish my goals and make my parents happy!" but i dont know what im doing. i have plans, yes, but my plans never work. i wanted to open an art shop, i wanted to save up so i could go to tfcon, i wanted to study to enter the college i want, but none of that is working. no shop, no college, and tfcon? for what? to meet my friends and have q good time? what friends? ever since that shit that happened last year i cant even enjoy transformers like i used to, i get panic attacks and headaches when i read about overlord, tarn, prowl, tarantulas... the last two being so bullshit because my favorite comic is the wreckers saga and the two of them are so ingrained in it i cant possibly not think of them when drawing or making theories, i thought i was good with not associating things to people, well i can see now that i was fucking wrong.
i still want to go to tfcon. to have fun, and to apologize. who knows, we might become friends again.
life has ups and downs, if it goes down far enough it can only goes straight foward, things might get better later
