Shit My Callers Say

I am a 911 dispatcher and control operator for a major metropolitan city. These calls are real. This is my diary.

[shitmycallerssay]

Caller: (telling me a rambling story) “…and the Flintstones robbed me.”

Me: “The Flint- Sir. Did you say ‘The Flintstones robbed you?”

Caller: “Yes. And the police.”

Me: “The police robbed you?”

Caller: “Yes. And they robbed the Gambinos too. It’s on video.”

Yabba dabba don’t call me with this nonsense. Unless you have that video, I’d like to see that!

[shitmycallerssay]

Drugs are bad, mkay?

[shitmycallerssay]

One of my dispatchers calls me. Says he has a weird one. I’m like okay, hit me. 🙄

“This guy wants a police officer to come out and stand by to keep him safe while he meets his drug dealer to explain that he has no money and can’t pay.”

Me:

Employee:

Me: Did you say he wants the police to stand with him while he waits for his dealer?

Employee: .....Yes. He’s not even there yet. He arranged this meeting in public in front of the library. He wants the officer to go first so he won’t be alone.

Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that damn phone rings again...

[shitmycallerssay]

If you’re curious how my day is going, I’m fielding a complaint from a man who is angry about accident debris that was in the roadway two days ago.

[shitmycallerssay]

You forgot Bang.

[shitmycallerssay]

Me: “Communication supervisor.”

Caller: “Yeah I need to talk to that place where people go when they get arrested.”

Me: “You mean the jail?”

Called: “Yeah, something like that.”

[shitmycallerssay]

Show me your BB shirts!

[shitmycallerssay]

What’s your Bang flavor? Let’s discuss.

[shitmycallerssay]

I hope you're all off to a safe start!

[shitmycallerssay]

Merry Christmas and happy holidays too ALL our first responders, as well as our men and women serving away from their families! Be safe and have a wonderful day! I'll see you back at 2200 tonight!

[shitmycallerssay]

Florida has the weirdest warrants.

[shitmycallerssay]

Shout out to my fire and EMS people too- couldn’t find a pic for you but you’re no less appreciated. I hope you all stay safe and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[shitmycallerssay]

Be safe, be vigilant. Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you and all that you do!

[shitmycallerssay]

Dat Blood Tho

Trainee: "Okay, and what's going on out there tonight?" Caller: "This guy needs an ambulance I think. I'm not sure what's happened, but he's bleeding, um, profusiously.

[shitmycallerssay]

Reeducation

Me: "I would have asked her if he choked himself with the intention to harm himself. Just give us an idea of his state of mind." Trainee: "Why else would anyone choke themselves?" Me: "...have you ever heard of auto-erotic asphyxiation?" Trainee: "A-what a whatta?" Me: "Oh lord. Here, let me google this, but NOT on the work computer." -5 minutes later- Trainee: "That's the craziest shit I've ever heard." *pause* "I'm really glad you didn't google that on the work computer."

[shitmycallerssay]

Sewer Clowns

My trainee: “Which way did the clown go?” Caller: “I didn’t see, but he came out of the sewer so he must have gone back that way.” Me: “Did he say ‘sewer?’” Trainee: “Sir, did you say 'sewer?’” Caller: “Yes. Down the sewer.” Trainee: ….. Me: ….. Caller: ….. Trainee: “…like the Ninja Turtles?”

Guys, I’m dead.

[shitmycallerssay]

Cloudy with a chance of clowns? I think not. Y'all, I'm up to my ears in these calls. I can't decide if there are fools out there really putting on clown masks to terrorize people as a result of the news, or whether people are just losing their heads over nothing, or if everyone has drunk the koolaid and are all sharing the same hallucination. Who has a funny clown story?