Shitpants Esquire

[shitpants-esquire]

"EYEBROWS ARE MUSTACHES FOR YOUR FOREHEAD."

[shitpants-esquire]

"I TRIED TO SNORT PEANUT BUTTER BUT PURPLE MOMMY SAID I CAN'T BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE NOSTRILS. WHEN WILL I BE A REAL BOY?"

[waverlythetimid]

"MOMMY I WANT ERNJ JOOSE."

"…wh-what the fuck is an ‘ernj’ and how d-do I get juice out of it?"

[shitpants-esquire]

"ORANGE JUICE AND TOOTHPASTE."

[planetearthe]

IMPERSONATE ME IN MY INBOX I WANNA SEE WHAT YOU GUYS RETAIN FROM ALL MY SHITTY POSTS

[shitpants-esquire]

The Family

ask-sullivan - Purple Mommy/Complete menace

waverly-the-timid - Red Mommy/Loving alcoholic

BUG - The 'original' alien mantis they found. Pretty normal, all things considered. Loves funions and mario kart.

MurderDeathSaladFork/MDSF - Part hardboiled cop, part psychopath. Kills things with a fork and duct tapes people to walls for "interrogations."

Nightmare - Horrifying mantis that looks much worse than he really is. Usually accompanied by a sweet metal track to compliment his intense daredevil energy and questionable ethics.

Stump - The only 'normal' thing in the house. A three-legged, one-eyed cat that Sullivan frequently puts in a pirate costume, complete with eyepatch and peg leg. Occasionally puts a saddle on her for Shitpants to ride on.

Batsquatch - BATSQUATCH. Wears a bowler hat.

[shitpants-esquire]

"PURPLE MOMMY ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM, EVEN RED MOMMY'S.

...

...

THERE WILL BE BLOOD."

[shitpants-esquire]

"WHAT'S CHUCK-E CHEESE? I LIKE CHEESE."

[shitpants-esquire]

"I LIKE LICKING FURNITURE."

[waverlythetimid]

"You d-don’t know what’s been on that furniture.

…You n-never want to know.”

[shitpants-esquire]

"YES I DO. IT WAS PURPLE MOMMY AND THE FUNNY-TASTING JELLY. I MADE A SANDWICH WITH IT."

[shitpants-esquire]

"I LIKE LICKING FURNITURE."

[shitpants-esquire]

"I WANT A SANDWICH. WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND PICKLES AND CHEESE."

[shitpants-esquire]

"PURPLE MOMMY DRANK A LOT OF STUFF FROM A BIG GLASS BOTTLE AND FELL DOWN."

[shitpants-esquire]

"FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY."

[shitpants-esquire]

(( How would your character's family/friends react to them trying to explain what/who Shitpants is? ))

[shitpants-esquire]

☋

The mantis just stood there quietly for several moments, staring up at his 'mother' with unfocused eyes. 

"SH-SHITPANTS. STOP P-PUTTIN' MACARONI IN ME SHOES." He suddenly yelled, though not in his usual high-pitched, chittering voice - It was a perfect mimic of Waverly's, accent and all.

[scienceandsolitude]

☋

…Oh my god. Imitating the ‘touched’ bug. ..Well this shouldn’t be so hard.

Deep breaths, clearing of the throat. Here we go.

"HI. I’M SHITPANTS, I REALLY LIKE GUM BECAUSE PURPLE MOMMY SAYS IT’S HOW YOU GET BITCHES IN HIGHSCHOOL. I DON’T KNOW WHAT BITCHES ARE BUT.. CRACKERS."

Choking laughter between shouts

"RED MOMMY SAYS I’M A PRODIGY, I CAN SPELL MY NAME. COCKHOPPING DICKSNOUTS."

Dying laughter. He’s done folks, he’s done.

[inboxstuff]

Send me a ☋ and my muse will imitate yours.

[shitpants-esquire]

"PURPLE MOMMY SAYS I'M THE REASON WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, BUT HE LOVES ME ANYWAY."