𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 , cassidy and noah were a lot alike when it came to how closed off they were . when it came to letting people in . when it came to wanting to be wanted , wanting someone to stick around even when things got hard , even when they were the ones pushing people away . but they were also a lot alike when it came to finally getting that feeling of someone being there and feeling this need to destroy it . even still , cassidy struggled with keeping people close . he still felt himself shutting down at times , felt himself start pushing away as if it was some kind of instinct . like a defense , even when things were going great . there was still a voice in his head telling him to set everything on fire . of course , now he tried his hardest not to let the self destruction effect the relationship he was in . (and even then , he wasn’t perfect at it . ) listening to noah , he nodded . ❛ i get it and if you aren’t ready for whatever it is that’s going on between you and laff , then you aren’t ready . ❜ the male spoke honestly , ❛ can i say something without you getting defensive ? ❜ cassidy asked , knowing that if the situation was flipped and he was the one saying what noah was saying and noah was the one saying what he was about to say . he’d get defensive . ❛ you ever think you push people away before they ever get a real chance to show you that they’d stay and love you ‘cause you don’t think you deserve it ? ‘cause you think you’re better off on your own ? maybe even like you weren’t built to be with anyone , that it’s just supposed to be you on your own ? like maybe you don’t wanna burden anyone with yourself ? like you’re protecting them from the inevitable crash and burn ‘cause you have this sinking feeling that you’re supposed to be alone ? ❜ and maybe he just wanted to know if she had the same plagues on her mind that he also continuously pushed down . he didn’t have any magic trick to help her out of it but the thought of feeling like the thoughts weren’t crazy or shared , maybe it’d help ?
“ probably not, ” it was an honest answer. she had a tendency to be up in arms about someone not liking her shoes, let alone one of her best friends saying something that made her stomach drop. “ but i can promise not to punch you. ” a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. she doesn’t come to cassidy for advice, well not real advice, she comes to him to talk. to dump out all of the thoughts and feelings she can’t tell anyone else. he’d always been the one to listen to her. take in her words without a drop of judgement. when it started she didn’t even know his name, she couldn’t have cared less what he thought of her, or anyone else for that matter. the point was to get drunk, blab about her feelings, and go. most times she couldn’t remember exactly what they’d talked about in the first place so it was easy to tell him things she kept buried under the surface. she can’t remember the exact moment that changed, when she stared tucking little strips of his advice in her back pocket, but this wasn’t like usual. fortune cookie advice she could handle. she could break down his cryptic meanings into whatever she wanted them to be. this time, there were no bite sized nuggets of wisdom that you have to squint your eyes at, just truths about herself that she wasn’t aware he knew. “ i don’t know. ” the words leave her mouth before she can even think. an automatic response to feeling any type of emotional pressure. “ well i...i do. i do know. ” picking at her nail polish as she tries to force his words through her mind. “ i think that i...i know how to be alone. i’m really good at it, in fact, ” she laughs a little at how sad it sounded. “ what i don’t know, is how to be whatever it is that people are looking for, i’m not a perfect girlfriend who keeps her emotions under control when things go to shit. i’m not a good housewife who’ll want to stay home and raise the babies. i’m not even a good friend, who is there to listen to people instead of just dumping all my shit on everyone all the time. i... ” trailing off as her brows knit together, “ i don’t want to be alone. ” that much was painfully obvious. she went out of her way to spend every waking moment with someone. attaching herself to anyone, anything, that showed her even a drop of attention. “ i want to be able to just be the old me, that trusts blindly, that gives second chances. it’s just hard to let go of everything else. to believe that anyone would want to actually be with me, you know. the me that’s a total fucking mess, that swears like a sailor, that drinks like a fish and takes a stuffed bear with me to every destination. i don’t know if it’s even fair to want that, to try and force someone to put up with me and all my...meness. ”
