No one is going to read this but it doesn’t matter. I need to get these thoughts out and I don’t want to dump so much on someone else. Here it goes.
It has been 3 years since... you know. So much has changed inside of me. It has been a long recovery but I am getting better all the time, I think. Sometimes I feel like I used to but it is so seldom now. It is a nice feeling to look back and realize how much my mental health has improved. I am learning every day and that is really what has helped me. After 3 years I am finally able to say that happy is an emotion I feel again.
BE FREE of want, desire, and jealousy. These negative things are a waste of energy and were learned from my mother. I grew up and realized that she is not someone to look up to and hardly someone to learn life lessons from. Living without these things has lead me to my next lesson...
HATE IS A PRODUCT OF MISUNDERSTANDING (ignorance). So, love and accept instead. I don’t know what sort of life someone has had, don’t know why they do what they do, or what their mind is like. So, let them be who they want and don’t worry about it. Admire them for it. I struggle with this one because it is easy to hate “bad” people. But there is no all bad and there is no all good, just different mixes of the two.
LIVE FOR YOU. I thought that I was doing this for a long time and then as I got older I was worried that that would make me selfish. I have been told that I am a push over or too nice. The point is; fuck outside opinions of how I should be. The only reason I change is I want to be a better person than I was the day before. I choose to be myself, whatever that may be.
BE GRATEFUL AND DON’T COMPLAIN. I think I struggled with this most of my life. My parents made it hard to like them, so naturally I came off as pretty ungrateful most of the time. They were far from perfect but I appreciate the roof they kept over my head and the (mostly) good childhood I was fortunate enough to have. I am grateful especially for my grandmothers, who help me when I struggle and love me unconditionally. I am grateful for the people who consider me a friend. A recent idea that I am grateful for is life itself. For a while now I didn’t want my life. I knew that was selfish so I constantly wished that I could give it to someone else- I wanted someone else to live instead. I felt I didn’t deserve my life. Sometimes I still feel that way. But the reality is my next lesson...
I’ve got up to 70 years of life left to live if nothing goes wrong and no one else can live my life for me. So, I might as well live it to the best of my ability. That is really the conclusion that this journey has brought me to. Some days I do not do much of anything but that’s okay, as long as I am happy doing so. I still find beauty in everything. I am even making art again. Nature is still the most important thing to me (tied with my cat and a few people I am close to), it is so incredible and beautiful.
LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. The world is full of wonder, not just hate and destruction. I’ve got to keep reminding myself of that. I always get caught up in thinking about the mistakes that man-kind has made.
Me now: I am evermore conscious of chemicals going into my body so, I tend to avoid that shit. Still a vegetarian, have been 6 years, and plan to be until I die. Still expanding my music taste- music is so powerful. I am eager to go back to school but I’m not sure what for. I’m excited to see what I can do with this life I have. Hopefully something positive and selfless. Still a godless heathen hehe. Somethings never change. I am trying to improve and learn important lessons from people and the world everyday by being present. I refuse to pay more attention to technology than to people. I hope that someday I accept (maybe even like) my physical appearance, that would be nice. I have been away from home for a little more than a year. I miss my siblings, my pets, and the mountains. Ryan visited for a few days and I miss him already. Nichole is due to have a baby girl in 2 weeks. It’s fall right now and only a couple days until Halloween. I plan on being an alien.
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