Petting a Bumblebee

marvel | dc | superheroes | humor my works in AO3

[pettingabumblebee]

Dogs and Their Owners

I bet most people have seen at least one canine “mini-me” who looks like their owner. I think the same is true for superheroes and their villains.

Spider-Man’s interrogation technique would make Venom proud:

Bruce gives a tour to his new sidekick while channeling the Joker:

[pettingabumblebee]

About Batboys and Relationships

Dick can’t decide between the redheads.

Jason is stuck in the friend zone with a redhead.

Damian is only interested in non-human redheads.

Tim plays it safe and continues to prefer blondes.

[pettingabumblebee]

The Secret Art of the Deadly Cape Kungfu

The Tail of Bat Dragon

The Flying Carpet of Vengeance

The Treehouse of Terror

[pettingabumblebee]

Five Reasons Why Batman Should Choose Judge Dredd Over Superman

1. They have the same eloquent sense of humor.

2. Being equals in power means they can have cool buddy fights for stupid reasons.

3. They both have bizarre and dangerous rogues’ galleries.

4. They are both grim bachelors who are obsessed by their chosen missions - but at home they are like big fluffy teddy bears for their peculiar surrogate families.

5. Their team-upping would really annoy everyone not included.

Clark (making puppy eyes toward Hal Jordan): So I bought these nice friendship bracelets for nothing.

Hal: ...

Hal: Like I want to be a stand-in for your batty buddy.

[pettingabumblebee]

If You got a Dose of Scarecrow’s Toxin... What Is Your Greatest Fear?

Batman: “Losing one of my boys!”

Superman: “Hurting someone with my powers!”

Judge Death: “Teddy Bears!”

[pettingabumblebee]

Not a Laughing Matter, Dammit!

I have been determinedly avoiding Batman-Who-Laughs -stories but this weekend I finally got tired of my popular culture gap.

So I gathered my best munchies and started with Scott Snyder’s 6-issue miniseries. My happy hour went as well as anyone can guess.

I kept turning the pages and all the time a part of my brain expected that leather-clad boogeyman to utter some version of his beloved catchphrase:

“This city iss guilty! The crime iss life! The ssentence iss death!”

What I mean... they both have their funny shades and they like their creepy hovering. And yes, it is quite awkward to read a comic book with a serious streak a mile wide when your mind is filled with one-liners and death jokes you memorized as a kid:

[pettingabumblebee]

“Hey, look! Batman got Superman’s powers!“

We will witness his almighty deeds

He goes finally steady with his best gal

And saves little kiddies from the trees

(You wish!)

Batman had Superman’s powers

But magic messed him up really well

Bane got himself almost killed

Naughty Kitty wasn’t thrilled

And Bruce dragged Dick into his hell.

[pettingabumblebee]

“I Gotta Be a Macho Man” - the Beginner’s Guide with Five Easy Styles

1: The Classic Style (by Frank Miller’s Batman)

2: The Rude Boy Style (by Mark Millar’s Captain America)

3. The Psychopathic Style (by Garth Ennis’s Punisher)

4. The Vulnerable Style (by Chip Zdarsky’s Daredevil)

5. The Goofy Style (by Brian Posehn & Gerry Duggan’s Deadpool)

[pettingabumblebee]

“And the Mother of the Year -award goes to...”

“My ma was pursued by the mob because I look like a demon, so she threw me into the river as a distraction!”

“My ma tried to get more power and her revenge over my dad by sacrificing me to the demons!”

“My ma’s name translates to ‘demon’, and even if there is some confusion over the fact whether she raped my father to conceive me or not, she raised me to be...”

- ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! THEY ARE ALL HORRIBLE MOTHERS! NOT FUNNY! JUST STOP IT!

- But I haven’t posted a picture of Martha yet...

- Sorry, sorry, my bad! Wrong Martha! I meant this one:

“My ma gave a home to a refugee from the distant planet. She raised me, loved me, taught me to value life in any shape and form, showing by her example motherhood is not the same thing as biology. The motherhood is unconditional love, care and support, tears and laughter. It’s life.”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

[pettingabumblebee]

I have been wondering during the comic book years why all Bruce’s relationships seem to fail so utterly. Perhaps the easy fix would be he just stopped listening to the strange advises from his middle-aged father figures.

[pettingabumblebee]

Once Upon a Time There was a Comic Book Writer...

whose humor was as subtle and sophisticated as a sledge hammer

who wrote adventures so rough they made even Captain America lose his lunch

(sometimes delivering us mental images any fan of X-men or Spider-Man could have lived without.)

But one day, when he had just written an ordinary Batman story, he suddenly decided to end it like this:  

Damn you Mark Millar, you closet genius!

[pettingabumblebee]

“Do you take this man...”

When the love of your life leaves you at the altar, and then your friend consoles you by saying something like “That is so rough, pal, BUT do you remember that one time when...”

“I got married to a demon, who cheated on me with a wolf-man until she run off with Vampire King!”

“I made a deal with a demon and changed my happy marriage for the life of my aunt, and now my daughter will never exist!”

“I married a carbon copy of my dead girlfriend, got her pregnant, ignored her, and drove her so mad she became a literally demon!”

(And because that went down so splendidly, I also tied the knot with my original, former dead girlfriend, ignored her, and drove her so mad she could have been a demon!)

[pettingabumblebee]

"Whosoever holds this hammer..."

It is a god’s precious, but a soldier lift it...

...twice, swinging it around really swell.

There was also some demi-god alien guy getting thorgasm with it. So, if we start to compare (which is of course unpolite)...

Do we find some performance problems, Loki?

[pettingabumblebee]

- Father. - Yes, Damian. - What is this “bondage” Dick keeps talking about? - Hrr-mmm. That is a thing you’ve to get used to if you are considering a career as a crime fighter. - Very well, Father. When do we practice? - Yes, master Bruce. When do you indeed? - Alfred, don’t you have silverware to polish or something? - But of course your majesty! Right away, o you mighty King of Fairies. - I will never hear the end of it, won’t I? - No master Bruce. You won’t

[pettingabumblebee]

- Master Bruce, nice to see you again after the long days of total radio silence. May I ask what happened? - Some vengeful guy kidnapped and drugged me, making me live through a self-doubting nightmare. - And your kidnapper? I presume he took your mask off? - He was killed shortly after he shot his accomplisher. - I see. Yes, very convenient, master Bruce. - What are you implying, Alfred? - Nothing, master Bruce. Nothing at all.

[pettingabumblebee]

One good reason why Bruce doesn’t go to “dinner and movie” dates with civilians:

- (jerks awake during the credits) BEWARE OF THE ALLIGATORS! - Bruce, what? - (groggy) I... I have to make sure t-they are taken care of. Their owner kind of... d-died. - That is so sweet of you, Bruce! So you like animals too? I have cats. - S-s-selina? - Uh, like no? I am Julie. Julie Madison. Bruce, are you alright? - I a-am fine, Linda. Just d-didn’t get enough shut eye last night. P-party boy, r-remember?

[pettingabumblebee]

Horrible Super Powered Earworms Which Can’t Be Unheard

“If Theme Songs Had Lyrics” -series by the Warp Zone must be the most devious and heartless invention in the history of popular culture parodies. At the worst, hearing and watching these old and new YouTube gems will totally ruin your experience with the real deal.

“This is Barry Allen, he was hit by lightning. Now he is faster as a meta-human saving Central City from disaster with the science people who work at the fancy laboratory who are all attractive only to distract you from the story.

His folks were ripped away (too sad)

He fights crime every day (so rad)

- OK this far. But wait for it. Wait for it.

Traveling through time and alternative dimensions in a jiffy facing different metas. Also he is married to his sister. That’s right. His sister.

- And then we are given  some hasty explanations, which really doesn’t make it better.

They are not technically related but they both grew up together hot as they may be as grown adults it doesn’t make it better they both went through puberty while living in the same abode and sharing the same father who is cool with this scenario and still respected as a lawman. Where’s the common sense in that, and brainy nerds at Star don’t have a basic concept of social norms.

- Now our narrator starts to freak out but is soon filled with self-doubt and finally acceptance. Perhaps he has watched too much GoT?

Anyway, the show has crazy stuff like human sharks and also blindly just allows two legal sibling to get freaking married.

DON’T GET

I mean maybe it’s me maybe I am the a-hole

MARRIED

Love is love, man. Who am I to discredit that?

TO YOUR SIBLING

Well. It works for them. So.

THAT’S THE FLASH”

And just when you thought it is over. No more. I can’t take more... Well, look at that! There is more. Seven more thus far, and of course it is like a train wreck, you can’t turn your eyes away. 

“Every single building in the Southern U.S. not on fire really is a building Rick an co. has not yet set on fire.” - The WALKING DEAD

“So whoever takes the Iron Throne people will complain and will get angry on the Internet. Root for team White Walker, bro!“ - GAME OF THRONES

“Clanker and goldenrod those are racial slurs. Sold as slaves, torture caves, no one has it worse. Yet it’s all understood in the universe that it is super OK to be racist only to the droids.” - STAR WARS Cantina Song

“Through the dustiest worlds he rides, kicking ass and slinging guns like a mystery cowboy type hate to say it’s all been done. He’s just Clint Eastwood with a much sweatier hat.” - The MANDALORIAN