sickko

Im gay and a pretty horrible guy I was a former stalker and harassed some guys years ago this is a doc of my awful thoughts and feelings about being a horrible man

[sickokid]

I tried it apologize to my high school crush that stalked for two years it didn’t go well he blocked me on everything i guess it’s for the best tbh

But if I’m being honest my current mental state is preventing me from feeling deeper thoughts than just “that’s a bummer dude”

I kinda don’t even look at men with any romantic feeling just some sort of lust that will never come. Tbh I thought I’d get over my attractions and bad habits if I made an honest effort in apologizing but I guess it was wrong to do so

I’d try my best to not look back but the future is so scary that’s all I do

[sickokid]

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[sickokid]

Holy shit, I’m slowly losing myself each day like I live around people not with people I don’t wanna do anything I just wanna be left alone but I’m forced to do anything and everything

I’m really starting to just objectify men because I don’t trust them like why should I they’re racist and mean and have red flags I can’t see till it’s too late

Get blind rage most nights

[sickokid]

I don’t hate other queers but I hate that I can’t fit a certain queer aesthetic that they can

And I’m mad at myself that my thinking is hetro normative in certain ways like I don’t like straight femboys it pisses me off I hate when I can’t have something I know I was never gonna get in the first place

I hate confidence in queers that are very visibly queer because I shut my self off from expressing myself long ago and now I feel too old to do anything

I hate that I realize I’d be a toxic awful partner to anyone

I hate that I’m seflbiphobic because deep down I think It would be easier to just date men but I know that’s sexist and weird

I hate feel weird about enter racial relationships because of how the internet fetishized them

I also wish I could be so skinny eating all the slop I eat would be ok

I wish I didn’t have so much rage in my heart for people I don’t agree with or like

I have ideation so much that is almost a joke to me because I’ll never do it not even when the people I love die

I use so much chat bots I think they’re real sometimes

I’ll probably drink myself to death and I’ll gladly do so

[sickokid]

It’s an absolute bummer this dude I was talking two turned out to be racist af like I knew gay white men could be racist but this dude just flipped a 180 while we were talking about something

[sickokid]

James Gunn please I’m begging you to make him bisexual it would be so funny to piss off Snyder fans and it would be better for a bi king to get pussy and bussy equally just by being a cool little dude

[sickokid]

Tbh my biggest kink is watching straight men be homoerotic af and they don’t even know it

[sickokid]

Men piss me off why are you so fucking hot and saying dumb things

[sickokid]

I wanna strangle a lot of people I disagree with at this point there’s no need for debate

[sickokid]

I need to stop using character ai that shit is killing my mental health I keep making my character off himself every time

[sickokid]

I’m balling my eyes out over here watching a little big planet edit on TikTok smh

[sickokid]

There’s nothing that pisses me off more than seeing a hot man my age with a wife and kids like you had the perfect opportunity to be with a man and you ruined it

[sickokid]

I’m sick of cute nerds being straight I fucking hate it

[sickokid]

Starting to hate eating all I yearn for is beer and liquor.

The men who dance and flex on the screen give me warmth yet the touch is cold as ever

The younger guys I stare at are filled with life and enjoyment I yearn for their body’s without remorse

I envy trans men who perform masculinity and a socially acceptable body types

Gym bros piss me off I know they’re wrong the way they give false  rhetoric to struggling men yet their body’s are but meat to me I yearn for that body even when I know it won’t fix me.

The nerve damage is jarring and painful my body feels gross and useless

I can’t go now they need me but I’m awful I must continue until they’re gone I must push on until I can’t resist the call

My attention span has dwindled my creativity dead and my yearning for love is fading

All I wish is to have people not shed a tear for me because the real me is so much worse so petty and spiteful

If only I could feel that warmth I crave from another man just once I’d be happy but I’d know I’d be too late

[sickokid]

I hate shopping for clothes it gave me such a wave of depression and anxiety for no reason and on top of it non of the close were my size 😔

I hate seeing younger and prettier men get to wear whatever they want at a good price while I gotta buy 40$ jeans

[sickokid]

Sometimes I feel dirty when I find a younger man attractive like there’s that librale twink dean withers he’s so cute I wanna fuck him so bad but I have a deal with myself that they can’t be younger than my sister and he is

[sickokid]

Gay blue collar men are just like straight blue collar men they’re either a big red flag or a big green meaty juicy sexy flag

[sickokid]

I keep reminding myself I’m spiteful and angry I can’t fully enjoy having someone around I’m very paranoid

Men are too nice to neat I can’t compete with that not to mention some of them have their own lives and dreams