THE BIOTIC HAMSTER STRIKES! (VEE SHEPARD, CRACK!FIC, SHAKARIAN, PREVIOUS SHENKO)
This comes directly out of a discussion with the husband this morning over pancakes. Don’t blame me for this one, blame him. And apologies to all Krogan everywhere.
Crack!fic. Not meant to be serious. At all. Mostly. Anyway…
Takes place sometime during ME3.
Raucous laughter echoed from the main dining table. Vee Shepard frowned as she saw Garrus, Wrex, Grunt and Kaidan huddled around a data pad in Joker’s hand. Somehow Jack and Kasumi had somehow wedged themselves in between the two Krogans to see the screen.
Vee glanced over her shoulder at a bemused James Vega. He raised his eyebrows and answered her unspoken question. “No lo sé, Lola.”
She approached the group at the table and said, “Sounds like you guys are having a party. What are you reading?”
Garrus gave her a wide smile, about as wide as a Turian could, anyway. He slid a hand over hers and pulled her to his side. “Just something in the Citadel rags, Shepard. They must’ve had a really slow day at the rumor mill.”
“”Uh oh.” She squeezed in next to him and rested her hip on the edge of the table. “Should I be worried?”
“It’s not about you, Shepard. Not directly, anyway,” Kasumi chirped merrily. “Well, sort of. But it’s something good. Mostly.”
“Okay, now I’m worried.” Vee sighed and stuck out her hand. Joker carefully placed the pad in it. You could see the headline a mile away:
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT THWARTED BY TRAINED BIOTIC HAMSTER
“What. The. Hell?” asked James. The Marine tried to hold back his laughter and failed miserably.
Vee read the article aloud. “The body of a former Krogan mercenary was found in the airlock to Docking Bay 24 early yesterday morning. Citadel Security examined the body to find surprising evidence of small teeth marks on the mercenary’s face and neck. Forensic pathologists identified traces of element zero in the Krogan’s skin, a tell-tale sign of a biotic attack.”
“Docking Bay 24. Our berth?” James asked.
“Speculations as to the identity of the attacker run rampant throughout C-Sec. Possible suspects include a miniaturized probe filled with eezo, an extra-small rachni, a new strain of duct rat or spider, and a biotically trained attack hamster.”
Vee doubled over laughing. “Attack hamster.”
“Seriously, Shepard. Have you trained Cheezit to attack on sight? Should I be worried?” Garrus choked.
Wrex glanced at Shepard and rumbled, “No self-respecting Krogan would allow himself to be massacred by a small rodent. That was no true Krogan.”
Jack chortled, “Yeah, that would look bad on a Krogan’s obituary, wouldn’t it.”
Vee rolled her eyes and went on, “Citadel Entertainment dug deeper into the files and discovered an important clue in the store receipts of Citadel Souvenirs. Shopkeeper Delaia Sanassi confirmed the purchase of one space hamster by Commander Shepard, almost exactly one year ago. Sanassi denied speculation of possibly exposing the rodent to element zero, insisting “Sometimes a hamster is just a hamster.”
“And sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” Kaidan remarked under his breath. Vee couldn’t help but giggle at the humor in her friend’s tone.
“That isn’t the worst thing.” Grunt pointed out the tiny hyperlink under the article and the even tinier print. “They got footage.”
“Oh, shit, they do?” James narrowed his eyes as Shepard magnified the print. Warning: Images may be disturbing to certain members of our audience, such as small children and embarrassed Krogan. Viewer discretion is advised.
The so-called footage was gray and grainy, as if taken with a home vid-camera, but the audio came straight from a C-rated horror movie. Krogan bellows nearly overwhelmed by outraged screams by a highly pissed-off rodent, and the little scritch-scratch of ninja claws. A familiar blue halo outlined the poor outmatched assassin as it fell heavily on its back, its hands flailing wildly at something at its throat.
“The Blasto movie has better visual than that,” Joker muttered.
Vee rolled her eyes and handed the pad back to him. “And this qualifies as true investigative reporting in the Citadel’s columns?”
“Hey, it’s entertaining,” Kaidan pointed out. He grinned and added, “Having a hamster bodyguard is a good thing, Shepard. Definitely would put my mind at ease.”
“Well, if Cheezit starts glaring at me, I’m gonna be worried,” Garrus objected.
“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from my hamster,” Vee reassured him with a smile. She sighed and shook her head. “If this is the best Citadel Entertainment can come up with, maybe they ought to tight-beam a free subscription to the Reapers.”
“We can shoot ‘em down while they roll laughing,”Joker agreed. “And then we can start a Biotic Cheezit Fan Club.”
Vee rolled her eyes and got to her feet. “All right, I’m off to the CIC, and if there are any updates on this investigation–”
“–you’ll be the first to know, Captain.”
She laughed and waved at her crew as she stepped into the elevator. As the doors closed, she heard Kaidan say, “It’s good to hear her laughing again.”
