There was once a young girl who liked to spy on her family. Once she was hiding behind the great bell and she heard Brother Lark talking to Sister True Practice about the blooming tulips. The snow was just melting and seeping to the bulbs beneath the frozen soil. She watched Sister True Practice motion with her robed arms, pointing from the cloudless sky to the new shoots of grass. The monk wore brown robes and the nun wore black and they both had shaved heads, but Jenny didn't know why. Jenny is a very curious girl but sometimes hesitates to ask questions, she would prefer to discover things on her own. That night at the evening meditation she asked Sister True Practice, “why is your head shaved?” And the nun kindly answered “we shave our heads because for women, the hair is the ultimate beauty. Woman spend so much time grooming and washing their hair. We want to be humble, and not focus on outer beauty. Therefore we shave our heads.” This perplexed Jenny, why did Jenny have hair? Is she too focused on outer beauty? She pulled her hair out of its tight ponytail and ran her fingers through it. It was long and dark, soft but tangled. It had dust from the earth in it. After evening meditation Jenny sat drinking a mug of tea in the dining hall. She thought about the same thing that she did every night. When would mom and dad come take her back. Jenny's memories of home are getting foggy these days, she has been living at the monastery for a long time now. She's not sure why she is here, but when her mom and dad come to visit once a month, her little brother cries every time. But she does like it at the monastery, the nuns and monks are very kind to her. Her thoughts are interrupted by the loud gong of the big bell. It is far away but she knows somewhere out there, a young nun is inviting the biggest bell to say goodnight to the sun. Jenny remembers that she is supposed to close her eyes and breathe quietly until it is over with. She does it even though she is alone and no one would catch her if she didn't follow the rules.
There was once a young girl named Jenny that liked to spy on her family. She is behind a large sofa, in a large house, on a large piece of land with many groomed trees. Jenny wonders why they cut the branches off at the end of the winter. She wonders when they will cut off her branches. Dad just got home from his business trip, she hasn't seen him in weeks. But mom told her to go to bed because he's too worn out and will see her tomorrow after work if he can. Jenny is listening from behind the big couch. She can hear well but her parents are speaking in hushed voices so she picks up bits and pieces. “J- school says that… not many friends… playground… picking her lips a lot… refusing… to speak… refusing… food… obese… childhood… troubled… they want us to handle her, they can't do anything else.”
There are only two other children at the monastery. Ben is thirteen and Claire is twelve. But they haven't been here long and their parents call them on the phone every day to talk and visit once a week. They get letters and presents in the mail. When they brought Jenny here, mom and dad said that they were leaving her because the nuns and monks were going to make her a happy girl again. But she never felt especially sad. What she does remember though, is all of the crystal clear windows in her parent's house, and how they lined every room, and how the maid cleaned them every day, and sometimes she thinks about how Jenny shattered every single one of them with her small hands. She squeezes her fists tight and the scars pull and turn white, then when she relaxes her hands they turn dark again. Sister True Practice tells Jenny that there is a feeling inside of your body. She says that she used to feel it too before she became ordained. She laughs and says that it is sort of like feeling hungry, or the lump in your throat when you are going to cry, or the knots in your stomach when you are worried. Jenny is working on feeling inside of her body but all she feels is clouds and frozen soil.
Jenny likes to watch Ben and Claire play soccer with the nuns and monks. They run and jump like rabbits. Ben always asks Jenny to play, but she prefers to play alone. But Ben always asks anyway, just in case she changes her mind. She enjoys playing chess with Ben though, but she suspects that sometimes he lets her win on purpose. They spend hours on the weekends playing chess, they talk about old television shows they used to watch and video games they used to play, and wonder what is happening on the new episodes. Sometimes they make up their own stories about what is happening on their favorite shows. Ben came to the monastery a month ago, during the Christmas retreat. Every Christmas the monastery invites the public to come and stay for a week to rest. The families of the nuns and monks are usually there as well, mostly their siblings, nieces, and nephews. They stay in special cabins at the monastery. Jenny remembers that among the hundred or so people that came to visit, Ben was there. He came with his family. His family loves him so much, they cried when they left him. Ben's older brother had hurt himself and died violently and then Ben was failing out of school. The nuns said that he could stay for a few weeks to rest and heal.
It is days before the spring equinox. Sister True Practice is sitting on a bench with Jenny, touching her hand lightly. “Your mother said they will not make it tomorrow Jenny, I'm so sorry.” Sister arches her neck down, to look Jenny in the eyes. Jenny looks away, at the tulips leading the pathway to the meditation hall. The pathway is made of cobblestones, it is lined with tulips as well as small lamp posts and statues of the Buddha. The meditation hall looms in the distance, it is a pale wooden building, like a cathedral. The ceilings are a hundred feet high and arched up to a point. There are beautiful windows lining each wall. The windows are cleaned by nuns every single day so they are spotless. They look out into the woods and the river that flow by with your thoughts. At the front of the hall is the altar. The altar is the most beautiful thing Jenny has ever seen. It's more pretty than when her mother used to braid her hair and place a fancy headpiece on for special occasions. The altar is made of marble, it is covered with dozens of orchids in purple, blue, and white. There are white candles, oranges, and sand that is scattered in mesmerizing patterns. Every morning and every night the family meets here to meditate and teach Dharma. A lot of it is confusing to Jenny, so they let her leave early to go play with her dolls. Jenny sleeps in a room with Sister True Practice, another young nun, and Claire. They share a room and they turn the lights out at nine o'clock sharp every night. And Jenny falls asleep as soon as the light vanishes. She has sweet dreams about riding horses and going to the beach, like she did before her brother was born. But she is not sad. She feels nothing inside of her body. She rubs the scars on her fists.
The next night at dinner, Sister True Practice surprises Jenny with a vegan chocolate cake for her birthday. It has nine candles. Jenny is so happy, the whole monastery sings her happy birthday and she blows them out. Then they give her a present wrapped in shiny blue paper. Jenny takes the box hesitatingly, looking around the room and uncomfortable with the attention. She carefully opens the paper and opens the box and it is a whole play set of horses. It has a miniature stable and a stallion, a mare, and a colt. Suddenly Jenny feels nothing inside of her body. She is stuffed with cotton. She is a doll. She has long hair and clear skin and bright eyes and she is lean now since she has been at the monastery. It is all a sheet of paper when she pictures herself. A fragile sheet that could so easily be ripped and thrown away if anyone wanted to. Jenny is a sheet of paper. She puts down the horse set and picks up the shiny blue wrapping paper. She looks into the paper and sees a reflection of her face. There are no mirrors at the monastery. There is a mirror in her mind, in her breath. She hears the chime of the small bell. But she cannot close her eyes, she stops breathing. The whole room is silent as the bell graces the air. Everyone's eyes are closed with small smiles, and Jenny is all alone again. Their faces are not looking outside, they are looking within. Where are they. Why have the tulips bloomed but I have not seen my family. But she does not mind anymore. In this moment, with all eyes closed but hers, she whispers a thank you to every single nun and monk in the dining hall. She looks back into the shiny paper and is shocked to see a smile looking back at her. She picks up the horses and pets the mare's shiny plastic hair. Then she closes her eyes and breaths deep. Jenny feels a strange sensation. Her fists are burning. They are burning to the beat of her heart, to the rhythm of her breathing, to the chime of the small bell, to the whisper of the wind, to the breath of the monastery. Jenny feels something inside of her chest. She has no words other than warm, and, friend. Then she finds another word. Happy. A happy girl one day. That's what her mom said when she left her here. At the last chime of the small bell everyone opens their eyes. They look at Jenny and beam.
There was once a young nun named Sister Freely. She became ordained when she was only fourteen years old. She has bright eyes and straight, white, teeth and she loves to play soccer when the children come to visit. Sister Freely is sixteen years old and she feels the breath all around her. Her family is her sisters and brothers. The bell is her lover and the summer grass is her bed. She has a set of toy horses that she gave to a little boy who is staying here now. His family brought him here to rest. Sister Freely doesn't know how long he will be here. But she makes a point to speak to Caleb every day, and make him smile. Sister Freely does not want him to stay here forever, but she knows that some people need to. She knows that it was right for her to stay here. Where she can rest in stillness and feel the beating of her heart. The scars on her fists are silver now, but still raised. For a long time she covered then with gloves but now she lets them show. If anyone ever asks what they are she just says, “I had to feel my body.” Sister Freely is outside, with the big bell. The sun is setting and the evening meditation is over. She stands beside the bell, under the structure that holds it high in the air. The top of the bell is almost as high as the trees. The bell is made of metal and carved with symbols and painted gold and red. She chants ancient songs in Vietnamese. She takes the large mallet and invites the sound of the bell to kiss every inch of the monastery, every quiet sleepy ear and every blade of summer grass. There is a breeze that carries the vibrations to lands far away. She invites the sound of the bell and chants on and on until the sun is gone. She knows that Caleb will sleep soon, after playing with his horses and trucks. She knows, that somewhere her mom, dad, and brother can hear her song, and they would think of her and smile.
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