Jules ࣪𖤐.ᐟ

18 | She/Her | Film Student 🎬

[lily-isalittlegirl]

born to feel to much cursed to say too little

[silenceonthestage]

ha ha!! sucker!!!

[silenceonthestage]

okay reasoning for the previous post I think I’m just ovulating sexuality crisis averted

[silenceonthestage]

asexual and freaked out on main might just implode

[lily-isalittlegirl]

WE COULDVE HAD SOMETHING WE COULDVE HAD SOMETHING WE COULDVE FUCKKKKKKKK

[silenceonthestage]

worst feeling EVER get well soon 🩷

[silenceonthestage]

what if I were happier in hell would it still be hell

[silenceonthestage]

big strong woman is getting her status called into question first by Pom Pom McJoy now by herself more at 10

[lily-isalittlegirl]

who the fuck is the pom pom do i need to beat someone up

[silenceonthestage]

yes and hes like 3 apples tall and evil

[silenceonthestage]

big strong woman is getting her status called into question first by Pom Pom McJoy now by herself more at 10

[silenceonthestage]

ok the freak’s worn off I am pining PATHETICALLY once again goodness me let it end

[silenceonthestage]

how am I questioning the aspect of my queer identity I was most certain of like no you can’t take that from me stop that’s my brand

[lily-isalittlegirl]

why hello there

[silenceonthestage]

gulp hey uh… hah hi 😅

[silenceonthestage]

sexuality crisis aside idgaf about The Bitch tm today so it’s actually pretty nice despite me trying to figure out if this is sexual attraction or not

[silenceonthestage]

how am I questioning the aspect of my queer identity I was most certain of like no you can’t take that from me stop that’s my brand

[silenceonthestage]

it’s both a blessing and a curse to care so much because wdym upon scheming to get a gal the courage to ask someone out I end up sitting here awake at 2AM thinking about how I’ll never have the courage to risk it myself and I will go off to college likely never saying anything and he’ll never know what I really think of him

[silenceonthestage]

guys the guy that wouldn’t care if I dropped dead MIGHT care if I dropped dead why are we so so back

[silenceonthestage]

how has this stupid stupid idiot not realized yet he could say ANYTHING and I’ll be staring at him, dazed, giggle and go “nyeaahhh.. 🥴😵‍💫” I am PATHETIC please

[silenceonthestage]

I said straight faced to my english class that Jane Eyre should be cut from the cirriculumn as I hated it and Jane pissed me off as a character and it was REALLY boring and all of the most stupid pissy "oh my gawddd I'm hurttttuh" girls were SO pissed whilst also saying that they hated Catcher in the Rye and The Crucible get me out of this hell where am I

[silenceonthestage]

There’s mental health days and then there’s mental illness days and today has been a mental illness day

I have spent ALL of today just thinking and pondering (aka being depressed and HATING myself) but boy have I made some discoveries

First and foremost I am likely to give up on the gorilla seeing as even amongst mixed signals a girl can take a hint. This is also because of crippling guilt and disgust of how I could possibly DARE to put someone through the displeasure of me having feels for them as I am awfully pathetic and unbearable in such a state.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that the reason I seem to be so unfortunate in all of my romantic endeavors is that I simply get much too in my own head (shocker it’s almost like there is mental illness there or something) and I end up ruining things by thinking way too much and convincing myself that I am scum which is super duper fun!! With the first bf I was convinced that it was my fault that he never spoke to me and I tried so hard to be such a good girlfriend that I likely freaked him out and scared him off. With the second, he was so kind and overly clingy to the point where I convinced myself that I was underserving and got to the point where I was sick every time he touched me (which MAY relate to the sa bit but who knows)(sarcastic btw) and then I ended up turning super duper evil and insane so that he’d break up with me because I didn’t think he deserved for me to break up with him which generally just made things so much worse. Now this time with this new interest of doom and agony, I find myself interpreting everything as some sort of signal and flipping from “omg wait I might have such a chance” to “holy shit no why are you a horrible person he would NEVER” at least twice a week so I fear that the only options are to act upon it and be that horrible disgusting friend who’s like “eheh.. my crush? you know they reeeeaaaallly well ;) :3” and possibly ruin the entire friendship or sit and suffer and wait for it to go away. Like the answer is very clear because I’d rather I suffer than he does it’s not even a question.

But anyways the hopeless romantic weird mentally ill freak (yours truly) is straight losing her shit as she so often does because believe me nobody wants me to go and confess to the fella as much as I do (except maybe you big fallonious) but simultaneously nobody wants me to stfu and let this hell end as much as I do

I need a lobotomy

[silenceonthestage]

I look to him and it’s as though he’s wearing the skin of the man I once loved. There’s that same smile, his typical, affectionate bullying, those same eyes that watch me go scarlet whenever he caught me staring, but now there’s nothing behind them. I meet his eyes and there is nothing behind them. Instead of feeling my face warm with a flush, I feel myself go cold.

He is a foot away from me and I can smell the faint scent of decay. I reach to take my paper back from his hands and they seem slim. He has always had slim hands, but as I look at them now they are only bones. I remember how they had felt in mine what seems to have been years ago, how he used to be warm with life, but as I pull the paper from his hands I find they are cold.

We lock eyes during a love song and I could have sworn I saw a hint of a smile, but it was hard to tell from where I sat. He was directly across from me, front and center in the audience, looking up with those wiry fingers laced together. It could have just been the light reflecting from his glasses, but he could have been laughing at me.

I find myself haunted by something in the skin of the man I had loved. To everyone else, this is simply just what happens when one grows older, but to me, it all feels so wrong. I refuse to accept that the rotting corpse before me is the same boy who had been so lively. I refuse to accept that we all die someday.

And as he walked across the stage, I couldn’t bring myself to watch.